Attention – Page 7 – mardihumphreys.com

It’s Alright to be Wrong

Father’s Day has me thinking about how patient my dad was.

There was the time I:

woke the whole house by climbing up in the attic and walking on the creaky floor over my parents’ bedroom early one morning
overcorrected a turn and drove into a yard at the top of a hill while learning to drive
flushed an item down the toilet and clogged the septic tank

These mistakes were explained to me (usually) calmly and corrections were requested (usually) just as calmly. He made me feel like I made a mistake, not like I was a mistake. There’s a big difference and it’s easy to miscommunicate. He made sure I knew my imperfections didn’t stop him from loving me. How often do we beat ourselves up because we feel like we failed? Three instances occur to me.

Failed Goals

When setbacks happen at work, it helps to remember our past successes. (If you don’t keep a success list for performance reviews, start. Now.) After reassuring ourselves, let’s reframe. This isn’t a failure, it’s an experiment. Was it a S.M.A.R.T. goal? Can we extend the deadline? Do we need additional resources to reach it? What if we tweak the process? We can analyze the data, then make a decision.

Failed Expectations

I registered to attend a free webinar given by a colleague. It was his second one. For the first one, he requested my help cohosting and I assumed (you know what assuming does) he’d want help again. Then I discovered a meeting scheduled for the same time that I’d rather attend because I’d have an opportunity to invite those participants to a webinar I was presenting the following week. I was disappointed I couldn’t attend the meeting. Then, I thought. “Why can’t I?”

The angel on one shoulder argued with the devil on my other shoulder:

Angel: Because you made a commitment.

Devil: They’ll be another webinar next quarter. Cancel the registration.

Angel: Your colleague will want your help again.

Devil: He hasn’t asked for it.

Angel: But you always put others’ interests ahead of your own.

THAT did it. I decided to attend the meeting instead of the webinar and if people think less of me for choosing what’s best for me, so be it.

Failed First Try

The team shot down my first idea for the website refresh in the project meeting this week. Does that mean I shouldn’t suggest another one next week? Is everyone judging me? Should I give up trying to be creative because I’m obviously embarrassing myself? Truth: my team probably forgot about my idea as soon as they left the Zoom room. I can’t remember what Joe’s big-SEO-lead-magnet-idea-that-tanked at last week’s meeting was. No one is holding our imperfections against us; except us. Let’s throw out our fixed mindsets and adopt growth mindsets. What exactly was it about my idea the team didn’t like? Was there a kernel of the idea they did like? Can I cultivate it and bring a revised idea to next week’s meeting? Struggling reminds us we’re stretching. Let’s not allow our mistakes to define us.

What flavor of imperfection is bugging you this week? Please share in the comments section.

Teamwork Makes the Dream Playlist Work

After so many times asking each other, “Have you heard this song?” my best friend, Kelly, suggested we start a playlist in Spotify to keep track of them. Because we’re both rule followers and goal oriented, we had a couple of guidelines. The originals were: Listen without distraction (no driving, working, social media, etc. on first listen), preferably through headphones, and post at the same time every week. We inadvertently stumbled onto something deeper than trading songs. In this new world of COVID-19, people are turning to music and using it almost as a healing balm to our psyches.

Our original intent was to have fun in sampling each other’s taste in music, but after being at it for over a year, it’s evolved into a means of communication. We use it for commemoration and encouragement. We acquire a clearer understanding of each other’s worldview because our song choices reveal our personalities. The anticipation of new music (I’ve heard artists I never would’ve known otherwise), and trying to guess what the other is going to add, makes it a game. An unexpected side effect of building our playlist is how it’s affected my job.

Teamwork

Team members have to know what the goal is. I asked Kelly what she thought the goal of building our playlist was. She said, “…to share ideas, thoughts, and feelings that we may have had during the week through music. Doing this often generates conversations we may not have had otherwise, and can get us thinking about various things in ways we might not have before.” A team works toward the goal together, but we come at it from different perspectives. Building our playlist helps me be open to my team’s opinions on how to reach our goals.

Perseverance

I keep my ears open throughout the week and seek unusual sources for songs to surprise her. At work, this translates into pushing me to seek new and unusual ways to help my company grow.

Communication

We often ask each other why we chose that song this week, usually via text. We have to corral our thoughts and boil them down to those most important and present them briefly. I find myself editing my work emails down to short active sentences; a hallmark of good communication.

Deadlines

Sundays come with excruciating regularity. So do work deadlines. Our playlist helps me remember not to wait until the last minute to research my share of the project.

Relax

Our playlist reminds me to take a break from working. It’s something fun to look forward to instead of thinking about COVID-19 all the time.

One of the reasons humans love music so much is because it helps us express our feelings. Why try to put them into words when a musician has already done it so eloquently? Sometimes there aren’t adequate words to express our feelings. We need a crunchy guitar (or maybe a plaintive violin) solo to do it for us. Let’s think about adding music to our self-care routines. We can intentionally build a playlist for lifting our spirits. If we need some ideas, we can ask a friend to build one with us.

Do you have a song that makes you happy every time you hear it? Please share title and artist in the comments section.

Going the (Physical) Distance

Even we introverts are over this whole sheltering-at-home sequestration. Boredom has officially set in. The value of teachers, the healthcare workforce, truckers, and sanitation engineers is proved. The struggle with guilt is real. We’re asked to stay home with our snacks, entertainment, and stimulus checks, but we want to be out with our friends. We feel survivors’ guilt working from home (WFH) while 1 out of 10 other people in America have lost their jobs thanks to COVID-19. Instead of pining for what we can’t have, let’s give attention to what we can do.

Each Other

Let’s take a break from supervising our children’s online learning, WFH, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc., and make virtual coffee dates with our families and play virtual games with our friends. It gives us peace of mind to see our loved ones safe and healthy. By the way, we have to initiate these. I posted offers on my social media for all comers to hang out and no one took me up on them. But, when I invited specific people to meet, they all accepted. This also goes for networking. Is there someone you want to connect with, but couldn’t pre-COVID-19? Plenty of people are now open to spending a few minutes on a meet and greet teleconference. Everyone just wants to know there’s life out there.

Emotions

Are you journaling more since sheltering at home? It’s good to empty our heads of negative thoughts and drag them into the light where we can see them more objectively. Our fear of the future can be analyzed. Our guilt over whining about WFH while our friends are furloughed may be admitted. Our anger sparked by the abrupt annihilation of our routines has a place to go. Then, we can deliberately relieve these negative emotions with positive actions. (E.g., help your first grader write a thank you note to his teacher for adapting to an online classroom.) In a few months we can revisit these journals and determine if we developed habits in quarantine worth keeping.

Envision

We can start thinking about life after lock down. We can update our resumes and LinkedIn profiles. We can touch base with warm contacts. Networking is easier right now because COVID-19 gives all of us something to talk about. We can plan a vacation for October, make a menu for Thanksgiving dinner, and start a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa gift list. We can think about what scheduling adjustments we want to keep, what lessons we’ve learned, and what technology we need to implement to improve our future work life balance.

My late maternal grandmother was famous for the catch phrase, “This too shall pass.” I hear it a whole lot these days, which is good. It’s a statement of hope. The world will probably never go back to the way it was before the pandemic, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But right now, let’s focus on helping each other get through today.

How are you encouraging hope during the pandemic? Please share in the comments section.

The Uns

James C. Collins coined the phrase, “Good is the enemy of great.” He suggests we have to remove some good things from our lives so we can focus attention on achieving bigger goals. Since we are stuck sheltering in our homes a little longer, (Thank you, COVID-19.) maybe now is an appropriate time for evaluation. Are we satisfied with the state of our lives? Do we need to take a hard look at our priorities? Should we trim some good items so we can excel? Are we ready to make some uncomfortable but necessary choices? If so, how?

Uninvite

We are highly influenced by the people who surround us. They can determine the quality and direction of our lives; much like the wind influences a sailboat. People treat us the way we let them, so let’s make respect one of our boundaries. Let’s be intentional about networking with positive people who have standards we admire. Let’s treat coworkers the way we want to be treated and associate with those who reciprocate. This can be hard. We don’t always have the luxury of choosing whom we work with and our emotions can get in the way, but let’s not reward bad behavior (e.g., our opinions and/or feelings are ignored). If a team mate consistently gossips in the break room, shoves her busy work on us, or complains about how she never gets high-profile assignments, it’s time to uninvite her from our projects.

Untie

Time flies when we’re making a living. In our efforts to keep moving forward, we neglect to stop and assess where we are, what has changed, and how outdated thinking may be holding us back. Do we believe we can’t do something just because we’ve never tried it? Thanks to technology, what was unthinkable 10 years ago is now normal. (Think Lyft, Instagram, Amazon Echo) Are we making choices based on what our circumstances were then? We can’t use the same decision making criteria on our first full-time job that we used in college. We can’t use the same criteria as a spouse that we used when we were single. We can’t use the same criteria as a parent that we used before children, but we can untie ourselves from the past by using a filter like: Is it worth my T.E.A.M.?

Unexpected

We can’t predict there is anything better than what we have now and we don’t realize we’re settling for good. Going for more requires change and we don’t like what we can’t expect. Maybe we start by asking ourselves what we do better than anyone else. If we don’t know, we can ask a friend or trusted coworker. We’re usually counseled to build up our weaknesses in order to succeed, but I think we should spend more time cultivating our strengths. Getting less weak at something takes more time, energy, and attention (for marginal improvement) than getting better at something we’re already good at. Let’s stop binging Tiger King and read a leadership book, listen to an industry podcast, or take an online class.

What are some good things you need to eliminate to make room in your life to pursue great things?

Die Hard

B2B cold calling is a hot button. Sales professionals have strong opinions and compelling arguments both for and against it. 2019 data says it doesn’t generate business 90% of the time and it takes six hours of calling to set one appointment, (which may not lead to revenue, btw) but companies who didn’t do it grew 42% less than companies who did. Everyone agrees it’s a huge time waster and isn’t the best way to attract clients, but most also say to do it. Not helpful. What are some of the problems and how can we solve them?

Problems:

It’s outdated

Invented by fellow Daytonian John Patterson to sell his cash registers in 1873, cold calling is no longer novel and it’s developed a bad reputation. It’s considered selling, but isn’t it just hunting? We call a stranger and try to ferret out if they need what we have. I interrupt someone’s work to pitch my company. Is this the first impression I want anyone to have about us?

No Gatekeepers

With companies phasing out admins, decision makers have to answer their own phones and they usually just don’t. They get so many sales robo-calls, they don’t consider it rude to hang up on us. People would rather receive texts than calls. They’d rather receive emails than texts. They’d rather ignore all three.

Buying has changed

The seller used to be in control of the information the buyer needed. Thanks to technology, information is available at decision makers’ fingertips. Customers prefer to check our websites, Google us for reviews, and talk to people we’ve worked with to find out if they want us. Customers want personal service from trustworthy local businesses. They want to discover us and enlist our help in solving their problems.

Solutions:

Qualified leads

Narrowing down not only the companies we contact but also the appropriate personnel is crucial. It saves time and puts us in contact with the person who knows if their business has problems we can solve. This is a big deal and big business. There are a ton of companies who supply sales leads.

Inbound marketing

If we analyze our data and determine what our customers have in common, we can reach out to similar businesses through our websites and social media channels. We can attract those who need us by demonstrating who we are and what we do. We can earn clients’ trust by giving them content they can use. We can establish ourselves as the SME to solve potential clients’ problems, then invite them into conversation.

Develop relationships

Let’s make friends now, so people know and trust us in the future. If we can do someone a favor, we should; even though there’s no revenue in it for us. We never know who a potential client is and “Bacon’s Law” is real. We can like and/or comment on new acquaintances’ social media posts. We can send them emails with helpful content (e.g., an article regarding an industry trend) without including a sales pitch.

When we can’t find businesses who need us, is picking up the phone and calling random companies the answer, because at least we’re doing something? What do you think? Please share in the comments section.

What Difference Does it Make?

Last year there was huge buzz around Marie Kondo and her movement to spark joy through tidying up. If you followed her method, do you still feel joy from the things you kept? If not, maybe tidying up just made you happy instead of joyful. Here in the doldrums of winter, let’s brighten things up a bit by discussing the difference between happiness and joy and what we have to do to get them.

What’s the Difference?

Happiness – is a temporary and fleeting emotion. It’s a result of what’s going on in our lives at the moment (e.g., landing a big account or going on vacation). Happiness is external and pretty much out of our control. It’s experiencing positivity, gaining fulfillment, and getting what we want. Happiness is a consequence of good fortune; like how we feel when we reach a goal (e.g., a promotion). It’s a feeling and feelings can change in a New York minute.

Joy – is permanent and comes from within us. It depends only on our behavior; as opposed to how someone else’s behavior affects our moods. We have to choose joy. It doesn’t just come naturally. For example, we can choose to like ourselves for our kindness instead of berate ourselves for not yet losing those last ten pounds. Joy is closely associated with peace of mind. We can build it and allow it to evolve as we discover what people, places, and things bring us comfort. Joy is wanting what we have. It’s a state of being content in all circumstances. Joy requires a growth mindset. It is unique to the individual and can dictate the steps we take to attain our goals. Cultivating joy is definitely worth our T.E.A.M.

How Do We Achieve Them at Work?

Happiness – We can set and meet S.M.A.R.T. goals, make $60,000 – $95,000 a year, take a coffee break, text a friend, or listen to a song. We can routinely treat ourselves to small diversions to refresh our dispositions. If we don’t like our jobs (e.g., digging ditches) we can unearth an aspect outside of our tasks that we do like (e.g., my muddy buddy in the ditch beside me could be a stand up comedian).

Joy – We can practice gratitude: be thankful we have jobs and hot cups of coffee. We can discover meaning and purpose in our work. We can choose to further our personal development. We can let offenses go and not dwell on the negative. We can do what’s necessary to obtain peace of mind (e.g., prepare for a client presentation for an entire week ahead of the meeting). We can adjust our attitudes. We can cut back on social media; especially the platforms that promote competition (look where I went, whom I’m with, what I’m eating). We can take on challenges and risks and not give up until we’ve competed the tasks. Then, we can celebrate our successes no matter how small.

What are you doing to build joy into your work life? Please share in the comments section below.

What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

Here are a few women-in-leadership questions capturing my attention lately:

Q: In the churches I attended growing up, I was taught God created women to be men’s helpers so men are leaders and women are followers. I’m all about helping and my worldview is Biblical, but it often clashes with my ambition. I read about The Wife of Noble Character and get confused. She’s obviously a leader in the workforce, so why is it negative for women to lead?

A: You know how I love my data. Here’s a study of 19 key leadership capabilities. Women scored higher than men in 17 of the 19 capabilities, so why aren’t there more female CEO’s in America? Men assume they are competent to lead. Women assume we are not. This unconscious bias is ingrained in us and society just takes it as gospel. (See what I did there?) When hiring managers read a resume, they need to stop and think, “Based on track record, is this the right person for the job?” and avoid focusing on whether the person’s name is Joe or Joann.

Q: American society needs strong women, but when one steps up, we tear her down. The female 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates come to mind. Why do we do that?

A: In spite of progress women have made in the workforce, society still isn’t used to confident women. To rise in an organization, women must be both likable and outspoken. That’s a difficult tightrope to walk. To be likable, women are advised to share credit for a project’s success. This waters down our contributions and gives us no accomplishment to note at promotion time. On the other hand, women who excitedly speak up in meetings to promote our ideas risk being perceived as overbearing personalities; forfeiting our chances to pitch them to the client. This is a blow both to women’s confidence and to the company’s revenue.

Q: When a woman is vocal about owning her achievement, she’s usually perceived as aggressive. What can we do to support confident women?

A: Women typically approach a job like we approached school. We found out what our teacher wanted and gave it to her. On the job, we find out what our boss wants and give it to her. Then we wait to be rewarded with higher stakes projects, a pay raise, or a promotion, but because we’re quietly working no one notices. Women need to get brave and own our contributions. Will we be judged for that? Yes. Should we let that stop us? No. Haters gonna hate whether we speak up or not. When we see a woman tooting her own horn because she achieved success through hard work, we should pick up a megaphone and amplify her because the whole organization will benefit.

We (men and women) get further together than we do on our own. Let’s look for ways to build each other up instead of trying to one up each other. We spend so much time on the job, wouldn’t it be more pleasant to work under conditions like that?

What are some ways you support confident women in the workplace? Please share your tips in the comments section.

This is How We Role

Does leading people scare you? Good. It means you care. The best leaders want the people in their charge to succeed. How can you achieve that? Model learning, networking, and resilience; like these women.

Learning: Katherine Johnson

You probably know her from the movie Hidden Figures. Katherine has been a brilliant mathematician since she was 13 years old. In 1939, she was the lone female of only three black students permitted to attend the graduate program in mathematics at West Virginia University. She began work at Langley Memorial Aeronautical Laboratory in 1953, where she was the only one John Glenn trusted to calculate the trajectory of his orbital flight around the earth. She is the author/co-author of 26 research reports. She cites helping synch Project Apollo’s Lunar Lander with the moon-orbiting Command and Service Module as her most important contribution to space exploration.

You may not be a STEM rockstar like Katherine, but you can build on your strengths and use them to inspire your team. Do you like to communicate? Is your delivery clear and concise? If your colleagues’ eyes glaze over when you present in meetings, maybe it’s time for a refresher on communication best practices.

Networking: Judy Robinett

Judy is “the woman with the titanium digital Rolodex.” She’s an entrepreneur, business thought leader, author, and she was profiled in Fast Company, Huffington Post, and Forbes for her reputation as a “super connector.” Judy says quality (your level of connection with someone) beats quantity when building a powerful network and there’s a limit on how many relationships we can juggle at one time. (Spoiler alert: it’s 150.)

You may not have a titanium digital Rolodex like Judy, but you have circles of influence. Dig deeper into these relationships. Find out what networking groups one of your coworkers attends and offer to be her wingman. None of your team mates have a networking group? Identify one you’d like to attend and ask at least one colleague to join you.

Resilience: Sheryl Sandberg

Sheryl graduated from Harvard University, helped make Google a profitable company, advocates for women in business through Lean In, authored two books, and as the COO at Facebook, is one of the wealthiest women in the world. But Sheryl is criticized for preaching at working mothers to remain in the workforce (because she can afford to hire staff to work both in her office and her home), her husband died suddenly in 2015 leaving her widowed with two children, and she got blamed for Facebook’s Cambridge Analytica scandal.

You may not have to defend your decisions on a national stage like Sheryl, but you’ll face customers’ anger while you’re wounded. Dealing with unpleasant situations under difficult circumstances gives you opportunity to show your direct reports emotional intelligence in action. The next time one of your clients is upset, take a team member with you to the client’s office to talk about resolution. This earns both the client’s and team member’s respect.

A role model inspires us to set goals, gives us the tools to reach them, and celebrates us when we do. If you do that, you are both a great leader and role model.

Please share the qualities you look for in a role model in the comments section.

Royal Pain

Ever wonder what happens when a mean girl grows up? She becomes a Queen Bee (QB): a female leader insecure in her position who treats her female employees worse than she treats her male employees. Obsessed with maintaining her authority, she views other women as competitors and excludes them from high profile projects that could advance their careers. What does a QB act like? How do you deal with one? Short of a giant flyswatter, how do we eliminate QBs?

Beehavior (see what I did there?)

A QB:

Dismisses our ideas without discussion
Interrupts us mid-sentence
Excludes us from meetings
Chips away at our confidence (e.g., yells at us for not performing a task we weren’t aware we’re supposed to do)
Undermines us behind our backs (e.g., gossips about us to colleagues)
QBs are effective because they prey on unique female vulnerabilities men don’t usually think about (e.g., not smart enough, dressing inappropriately, too emotional, not committed to our careers because we’re mothers, etc.)

Until there are as many female leaders as male, freezing out the competition is an effective survival strategy.

Remove the Sting

A young woman starting out her career naturally looks around the organization for a successful mature woman to emulate. The chosen mentor may see this as competition and in the vein of keep your friends close and your enemies closer, actively subvert the younger woman’s efforts to advance her career. If we aspire to be leaders, we have to stand up for ourselves. Note instances where the QB treats us differently than our male coworkers and ask why. Let’s politely ask for details on our job performances and in what areas she’d like us to improve. When she gets mean, we’ll keep our composure and take her assessment respectfully. We’ll admire her work, tell her we want to be as good at our jobs as she is at hers, and ask her to share the secret of her success.

Extinction

In the good news department, this article says there aren’t as many QBs as we think. The assumption there is something in women’s genes that make us unable to get along with each other is a myth. QBs are the result of inequality and gender discrimination. Women protect our territory because we’re the non-dominant group, not because we’re women. As more women reach higher levels of management, being punished (e.g., low job performance ratings, not getting promoted) for promoting diversity by elevating other women, should decrease.

Learning to Fly

Women should mentor other women and publicly celebrate other women’s accomplishments. When a woman behaves like a man, let’s stop judging her so harshly. Let’s call both men and women out on the language they use to describe our female coworkers. For example, in a recent interview, Taylor Swift pointed out, “…A man does something, it’s strategic; a woman does the same thing, it’s calculated.” So let’s watch our mouths; no trash talking other women. People view us as women, not as professionals. Let’s use that bias to our advantage. Let’s embrace other women on our teams, work hard together, support each other, and deliver the goods. Let’s earn reputations for increasing revenue and giving excellent customer service. When we’re in positions to promote women, let’s do it. Let’s create a sisterhood of success. When women have each other’s backs, we all rise.

Have you ever experienced Queen Bee Syndrome at work? What did you do to change the relationship? Please share your story in the comments section.

Corporate Stockholm Syndrome is Real

While researching last week’s post, I stumbled across something I’d never heard of before: Corporate Stockholm Syndrome (CSS). It’s when an employee becomes deeply loyal to an employer who is abusive (e.g., yells at employees, expects employees to work long hours, requires employees to handle his personal errands). For a good example of this, watch the movie (or read the book), The Devil Wears Prada. Stockholm Syndrome is a phrase first coined in the 1970s to refer to a hostage who felt empathy toward her captor because even though she was abused, the captor was also the source of food, water, shelter, etc. Since a manager can also be viewed as a source of those things, when the manager is abusive, the employee experiences CSS.

1. Problems

As employees, we get a great deal of self-esteem from our jobs. This becomes problematic if our manager habitually mistreats us. An employee suffering from CSS is emotionally attached to the company and puts its needs before her own; even if that means she gets traumatized in the process. The employee is micromanaged. Her work is scrutinized and, if it displeases the manager, criticized. When she wants to advance within the company, especially to another manager’s team, her manager refuses to allow the move.

2. Symptoms

Physical: headaches, insomnia, fatigue
Mental/Emotional: fear, distrust, anger, shame, denial she’s being mistreated.
Company: the manager isolates the employee from upper management, coworkers verbally abuse each other, the company offers fringe benefits that promote loyalty to the company

3. Results

The employee is stressed out, her reputation possibly tarnished by her manager, and afraid of what will happen if she complains to Human Resources. She thinks telling someone will get back to the manager and make things worse (e.g., lose her job or not get promoted). In 2017, the Workplace Bullying Institute discovered more than 60 million employees in the US had been affected by bullying or abuse on the job. CSS is contagious. Coworkers who witness the abuse may not speak up for fear they’ll be mistreated too.

4. Solutions

It’s important to maintain healthy relationships outside of the office. Get a reality check from one of yours. Ask, “Do you see this happening?” “Is this normal?” If you’re a victim of CSS, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change your manager’s behavior. Your best alternative is to get a new job. (That sentence makes it sound easy. I know it’s not.) Look for a company that rewards supervisors for promoting high performers. While you’re searching, take time to heal. Write down your achievements. Seek validation and encouragement from friends and family. Consider visiting a psychologist who does cognitive behavioral therapy to undo the thinking patterns created by the abuse. Be good to yourself outside of work: exercise, use a meditation app, plan something to look forward to (e.g., a concert, a vacation, the next five books you want to read). Be as good to yourself as you would be to a friend who is going through these circumstances.

Have you ever been the victim of CSS? Please share your story in the comments section below.