Parenting – mardihumphreys.com

It’s Good to Have Hope

I’m hearing a lot of “Good riddance 2020,” as if at the stroke of midnight on Friday our current situation will magically vanish. Pretty to think so, but I reckon at 12:01AM on January 1, 2021, we’ll still be facing a global pandemic, social unrest, political infighting, an economic crisis, and murder hornets. Maybe I’m just a pessimist. You’ve probably attended more than one meeting where someone started a sentence with, “Hindsight being 20-20…” We’re rapidly approaching the time when 2020 will literally (and I don’t use that word often) be in hindsight. Instead of wishing it away, let’s decide what we can learn from it. Here is my Top 5 List of Things We Should Remember After 2020.

5. Going Out

Remember those health department ratings we used to ignore at the entrance to our favorite restaurant? We’ll be checking out those hygiene standards the next time we’re allowed to dine in. We’ve learned to make fun out of whatever is handy: board games, YouTube videos, a musical instrument; we should keep doing that. Quarantine squashed FOMO since there was no out to fear missing. We can normalize ditching happy hour in favor of personal development like learning a foreign language.

4. Travel

Remember what flying was like prior to September 11, 2001? Well, here we go again. Some pandemic travel restrictions may be permanent. Plus, CFOs’ eyes are now open to how much money their companies can save using virtual options for meetings, recruitment, and conventions. We can stop stocking up on travel-size toothpaste.

3. School

Remember parent-teacher conferences? Both parents and teachers had to take off work, arrange childcare, and cram months of learning issues into a ten minute meeting. The number of students failing their classes is on the rise since the shift to online learning. We can transition to parent-teacher teleconferences. Engaging in a ten minute 1:1 from wherever we are twice a month has to be more effective for parents, teachers, and students.

2. Work

Remember when essential workers were practically invisible? They taught our children, stocked our grocery shelves, repaired our roads, monitored our health, etc. While their contributions are still front and center, we can do the hard work of figuring out childcare, equal pay for equal work, and affordable healthcare, as a start.

1. Home

Remember when we only cleaned our homes when company was coming over? Now we disinfect every surface, every hand, and every package that enters our abode. While we can probably calm down a bit after mass vaccinations, regular hand-washing for 20 seconds is a good habit to hang on to.

2020 reminded us to slow down, buy from local small businesses, and everyone reacts to stress differently. For me, the hard lesson of 2020 is: It’s okay not to be okay. While it gives me opportunity to be strong when others are weak, I discovered it’s difficult for me to invite help when I’m weak. Let’s not be the guy who thinks he can control the uncontrollable. Someone needs to be vulnerable and admit he’s struggling. In 2021, let’s be him. Let’s be that guy.

What are some lessons you want to take with you when 2020 ends? Please share in the comments section.

How Much Will You Pay for Peace of Mind?

My husband and I are on that step of the parenting journey where we have to explain realities to our daughter like 401k plans, insurance, and taxes. Insurance is a really tricky one. Why pay hundreds of dollars for something you may not need? Because life happens and we have to protect ourselves from financial ruin when it does. Here are a couple of questions we’ve answered.

What Even IS Insurance?

My grandmother used to say, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Insurance is the ounce of prevention. We buy it before we need it, which is kind of backwards, right? We don’t buy dog food before we adopt a dog, but we do buy homeowners insurance before our house burns down because insurance companies won’t pay for a fire we’ve already had. It’s also weird in that insurance companies decide whether or not they want to insure us and how much they will charge us to do so. For example, when buying car insurance, if we have a crash on our record, the insurance company can charge us more than they charge someone who has never had an accident. Here is a comprehensive article about insurance.

What Kind of Insurance do I Really Need?

There are so many options. We can practically insure everything we own if we want to. Some insurance we are required to purchase. For example, it’s illegal to drive without car insurance. Some is optional; like pet insurance. So what are the essential types of insurance we should buy? It depends on our situations and who relies on our incomes. We work hard for our money and want to keep as much of it as possible. The following are common types of insurance and resources you can use to decide what’s best for your situation.

Health – Premiums, deductibles, and copays, oh my! There are so many variables associated with health insurance, there’s not enough room to go into them in this space. Here is a good article about them.

Dental – It depends on whether or not your employer provides it. Here is a good explanation.

Disability – According to the CDC, 61 million adults in America have a disability. You need long-term disability insurance. You can use your emergency fund for short term (lasting 3-6 months) disabilities, but here is a resource to help you decide.

Life – Should you choose term or whole life? Depends on what you want the insurance to pay for after you’re gone. Here is a good explanation.

Pet – We opt to use our emergency fund or credit card instead, but here is a resource for you.

Homeowners or Renters – Covers property damage (e.g., you get robbed) and liability (e.g., someone gets hurt on your property). Here is a resource for homeowners, and here is one for renters.

Flood – In most cases, yes. Neither homeowners nor renters insurance cover flooding. Here is an article about it.

Auto – It’s the law. Here is an article to help you decide what type is best for you.

Umbrella – Are you at risk of getting sued? Then yes. More details here.

Long-term Care – Probably not. Here is an explanation.

Identity Theft – Probably not. Here is why.

Have you had a circumstance where you were really glad you were insured? Please share about it in the comments section.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I’m equipped to work from home, so when COVID-19 turned the world upside down, I thought it would be easy. But now that we’ve been quarantined longer than Noah was in the ark, the loss of routine is getting to me. I had comfortable pre-pandemic habits: packing a lunch, listening to a podcast on the morning commute, and driving thru Starbucks once a week. Now those customs don’t work and I’m off-kilter without them.

I’ve read now is a good time to develop new habits that can remain after a vaccine for COVID-19 is developed, but I don’t think they’re referring to wearing slippers instead of heels to work. Why should we develop whole new routines when we’re going back to the old ones any day now? Because any day now keeps getting pushed back. We’ve fallen into new habits whether or not we want to admit it, but do we have to completely overhaul those routines to feel balanced again?

The research I’ve done suggests small adjustments may be enough to restore harmony. We can take breaks (play with the kids), set boundaries (dedicate a workspace, start and end the workday at the same times everyday), and follow a dress code (real clothes, not pajamas). So I guess it’s time to actually eat a snack, take the dog outside, and focus my eyes on something beyond the computer screen, instead of complaining about nine-hour-without-a-break work days. I suppose I should put the card table I’ve been working from back in the garage and get a legitimate desk. I’m willing to change out of pajamas for work, but I’m not giving up the slippers.

We’re drifting into the realm of self-care which is taking on a more serious face during this pandemic. The stress of COVID-19 information overload, loss of freedom, job loss (or a never-ending workday), and the whole family trapped in residence together, forces us to add self-care our already full to-do lists. It’s become a mental health issue, so let’s prioritize it. This pandemic is like an airplane cabin losing oxygen. We have to put on our own masks before we can help anyone else with theirs. We need to model self-care, especially in front of our children, because they’re watching what we do. By managing our own peace of mind, we’re teaching them how to manage theirs.

There are plenty of choices to maintain mental health. This can be overwhelming. So maybe we employ the Butterfly Effect and choose one thing we can do to make ourselves feel better. We don’t have to do the same activity every day. Today, we could take the kids for a walk in the neighborhood and practice physical distancing. Tomorrow, we could make our weekly staff meeting a virtual coffee. The day after that, we could go to the grocery using the appropriate precautions then drop off the supplies at our local food bank.

What is one thing you can do today to pivot to a positive change? Please share in the comments.

Waiting on the World to Change

Mother’s Day has me reflecting on how different the workforce was when our daughter entered it in 2019 than when I became her mother in 1997. By then I was 10 years into my career and enjoyed it, but it was hard to be a Mom in the Workforce (MitW). I hoped it would be different by the time our daughter got her first full-time job; unfortunately, not so much. In 2019 only 66.4% of moms with children under six years old had jobs outside the home. Here are three things I think she should know about being a MitW.

You Will be Judged

MitW are expected to shine at both work and home. Society holds mothers to different standards than fathers. E.g., if a father does not take time off work to attend his child’s school function, no one thinks twice, but if a mother doesn’t show up, she gets labeled as a bad parent. Isn’t this belittling the father’s role (that’s a whole ‘nuther post) and overestimating the mother’s? Best practice is to ignore other people’s opinions of our parenting. Choosing between attending an important client meeting and our child’s science fair is a decision only we can make.

Work Life Balance is a Myth

COVID-19 has revealed a dirty little secret; MitW are still expected to handle the job, the kids, and the household. It’s time for conversation (divide up the chores), boundaries (stick to our own chores and resist the urge to redo things our way), and lower standards (dirty dishes in the sink overnight is acceptable). With everyone home we’ve fallen prey to Parkinson’s Law. There’s always something to do for work and there’s always something to do at home. That doesn’t mean we have to spend the same amount of time writing emails as baking banana bread (or whatever your form of self-care is). When we feel temporarily satisfied with the state of our inbox (no matter the time of day), if we feel like baking banana bread, it’s okay. Maybe you’d rather bake two loaves of banana bread, then tackle email. Best practice is to strive for work life harmony instead of balance.

It’s Not One and Done

Child rearing is an 18 year (at least) conversation between us, our co-parents, and children. Minds and circumstances change. Best practice is to decide what our non-negotiable boundaries are and occasionally revisit them with the affected parties before we say or do something we’ll regret. If quitting our jobs to raise our children is going to make us bitter, it would be better to keep working (if possible) even if it means enduring the stink eye from onlookers.

Does a woman have to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, employee, cook, custodian, accountant, churchgoer, pet owner, and volunteer simultaneously to be considered “good?” Who has time to do all that? What happens if I don’t? Who made these rules? Do women aspire to be all that?

Please share the challenges you face (or faced) as a working parent in the comments section.

Going the (Physical) Distance

Even we introverts are over this whole sheltering-at-home sequestration. Boredom has officially set in. The value of teachers, the healthcare workforce, truckers, and sanitation engineers is proved. The struggle with guilt is real. We’re asked to stay home with our snacks, entertainment, and stimulus checks, but we want to be out with our friends. We feel survivors’ guilt working from home (WFH) while 1 out of 10 other people in America have lost their jobs thanks to COVID-19. Instead of pining for what we can’t have, let’s give attention to what we can do.

Each Other

Let’s take a break from supervising our children’s online learning, WFH, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc., and make virtual coffee dates with our families and play virtual games with our friends. It gives us peace of mind to see our loved ones safe and healthy. By the way, we have to initiate these. I posted offers on my social media for all comers to hang out and no one took me up on them. But, when I invited specific people to meet, they all accepted. This also goes for networking. Is there someone you want to connect with, but couldn’t pre-COVID-19? Plenty of people are now open to spending a few minutes on a meet and greet teleconference. Everyone just wants to know there’s life out there.

Emotions

Are you journaling more since sheltering at home? It’s good to empty our heads of negative thoughts and drag them into the light where we can see them more objectively. Our fear of the future can be analyzed. Our guilt over whining about WFH while our friends are furloughed may be admitted. Our anger sparked by the abrupt annihilation of our routines has a place to go. Then, we can deliberately relieve these negative emotions with positive actions. (E.g., help your first grader write a thank you note to his teacher for adapting to an online classroom.) In a few months we can revisit these journals and determine if we developed habits in quarantine worth keeping.

Envision

We can start thinking about life after lock down. We can update our resumes and LinkedIn profiles. We can touch base with warm contacts. Networking is easier right now because COVID-19 gives all of us something to talk about. We can plan a vacation for October, make a menu for Thanksgiving dinner, and start a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa gift list. We can think about what scheduling adjustments we want to keep, what lessons we’ve learned, and what technology we need to implement to improve our future work life balance.

My late maternal grandmother was famous for the catch phrase, “This too shall pass.” I hear it a whole lot these days, which is good. It’s a statement of hope. The world will probably never go back to the way it was before the pandemic, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But right now, let’s focus on helping each other get through today.

How are you encouraging hope during the pandemic? Please share in the comments section.

Balancing Act

During a conference I attended last week, we did a networking exercise similar to the Reciprocity Ring Adam Grant uses in his classes at Wharton. Most of us requested referrals, but one woman asked for tips on work-life balance. I admired her courage. We usually act like we either have it all together or wear burnout like a badge of honor. I promised to do some research. Here’s what I found.

Contributing Factors to Work-life Imbalance:

1. Household Chores

Women do more household chores than men no matter what their age, income level, workforce responsibilities, or if there are children to parent. If you’re tired of carrying the bulk of the homework, talk to your partner about traditional gender roles and work out a fair division of labor.

2. Working Remotely

If you don’t have to be on-site to do your job, working from home allows flexibility but also usually means working longer and odd hours and sets the expectation from your boss that it’s acceptable. American wages are about the same today as they were 40 years ago. Technology has produced knowledge workers, but businesses have yet to figure out how to measure their productivity. We’re still measuring it by hours on time sheets and presence in the office. So if you work remotely, you feel you have to be connected 24/7 to demonstrate productivity.

3. Your Mate’s Schedule

Women partnered to men who work long hours (50 or more per week) have significantly higher perceived stress and significantly lower work-life balance than women partnered to men who work a normal full-time week (35–49 hours).

Possible Solutions:

1. Flip the Script

Stop thinking of work as negative and home as positive. There’s nothing wrong with loving your job. It’s just that too much of a good thing still causes burnout. Alternate work schedules are becoming more common. Can you choose a schedule that allows you to balance home and work? You have to set and protect boundaries, but you would control them.

2. Embrace the Imbalance

Using time-saving hacks aren’t working any more. Imbalance is a challenge for a household where both people have jobs and no one has the exclusive responsibility to manage the home. Give each other some grace. Communicate when you have an impending work deadline signaling that your chores at home will have to wait. On the other hand, let your colleague know you will answer his email after you get home from your daughter’s basketball game.

3. Leadership

If the organization’s leaders don’t practice work-life balance, e.g., emailing at 9:00PM, calling into meetings from vacation, etc., then employees will follow suit because it shows dedication and may lead to promotion. Managers should model the behavior the company wants cultivated. Supervisors should take a lunch hour, go on vacation, and leave the office for the day at a reasonable hour. Then they should talk openly about doing all those things with their teams and encourage them to do the same.

How do you balance work with your personal life? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Workforce 2.0

If you had twins, a boy and a girl, who started kindergarten this year, they’ll graduate high school in 2032. Being the forward thinker you are, what skills should you teach now to prepare them to join the workforce? Should you teach your daughter the same skills as your son? I found five skills that give both boys and girls a head start in the workforce.

1. Social skills

The social skills children learn in kindergarten can determine whether they end up in the workforce or prison. (No pressure, Mom and Dad.) Model the behavior you want them to exhibit (e.g., control yourself when you’re angry). To develop social skills, they have to be around their peers. Arrange play dates, take them to story time at the library, put them in children’s programs at your church. Sometimes you need to be present to observe and correct their behavior, and sometimes you need to be absent so they can test what they’ve learned.

2. Chores

Ask them to empty smaller waste cans throughout your house into your kitchen trashcan then have them accompany you when taking it out. When they’re older, they can assume the whole process. The same applies to cleaning their rooms, doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher, etc. When they help you, they get used to collaborating which is a skill they’ll need for future group projects in school, playing team sports, and eventually on the job. It’s helpful to praise their efforts and not their outcomes (e.g., first praise them for putting their plates in the dishwasher, then ask them to rinse them first next time). This instills a growth mindset which is crucial for success in the workforce.

3. Communication

Teach them how to translate emotions into words instead of acting out (e.g., Your child throws a toy because he’s frustrated. Ask him why he threw the toy, then help him find the words to express the emotion.). You also want to teach fundamental skills like making eye contact, saying please, thank you, and sorry, and listening without interrupting.

4. Decision Making

Let them choose what clothes to wear. If she wants you to decide for her, pull out two or three outfits and have her choose one. Let them choose their friends. Only intervene if the friend is a bad influence (e.g., a bully). Don’t snowplow parent. Prepare your child for the road; don’t prepare the road for your child (e.g., Did she leave her reading book at home? Don’t take it to school for her.).

5. How to Fail

Creative problem solving and critical thinking are the top two skills employers want. When they’re about to have a non-catastrophic fail, let it happen. Then frame it as a learning opportunity. Help them figure out why they failed and what they can do to prevent failing that same way next time (e.g., You’ve told him three times to put his dirty clothes in his laundry basket. He left his favorite shirt on the floor and now he wants to wear it to school, but can’t because it has a stain on it. Help him figure out a trigger he can create to remind himself to put that shirt in his laundry basket.).

Do you agree with this list? What skills do you think the workforce of 2032 will need? Please share in the comments section below.

Happy (Step) Father’s Day!

I saw these words on a T-Shirt the other day: I’m not a stepfather. I’m the father that stepped up. It made me think about my relationship with my stepfather and the truth in that statement. You hear so many stories, like Ellen DeGeneres’s, of stepfathers hurting their wives’ kids, that my story with my stepfather reads like a fairy tale.

When Dad (that’s what I call my stepfather; he’s earned the title) married Mom, I was 13 years old and living with my biological father and his new family. When that didn’t work out, I moved in with Mom and Dad. Surprise! It’s an angst-ridden teenage girl! Lucky you! He’s a Vietnam War veteran who views challenges as invitations, so he dove right in the stepparent pool. I learned many things about work from him which you can read about here. He also has some catch phrases that help me in my career. Here are three.

You can’t over communicate. Once, when I was a teenager, Dad was to pick me up from an evening Spanish club field trip to Chi-Chi’s (remember those?). I assumed he’d pick me up at school, but instead, he went to the restaurant which was 10 miles away. After a hard day at work he was not pleased with the inconvenience of the extra driving and time spent searching for me. I learned to be more clear in giving instructions. I’m reminded of this when making arrangements for my team to meet with my clients’ teams. Do I have the who, what, when, where, why, and hows covered?

Trrrry it. You’ll liiiike it. He usually said this in reference to food, but it comes to mind when my boss gives me a project that overwhelms me. Just try. Just start. I pick the low hanging fruit first so that sense of accomplishment gives me confidence to figure out the next step. Then I take the next step, and the next one, and eventually the project is done.

Just jump in and help. This is actually how Kat Cole went from being a Hooters waitress to the President of Cinnabon. Bottom line for both Dad and Kat: when something needs done, do it. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s in your job description. In fact, it’s better if it’s not because 1) You learn a new skill. 2) You’re viewed by management as a utility player. 3) You earn the gratitude of the person or team you helped giving you the right to ask for their help in the future.

Dad is retired now, but he’s still parenting as well as teaching me lessons about work. As I write this, he texted asking if I’m okay. My car is in the shop so earlier today he drove 45 minutes to my office, picked me up, drove me 45 more minutes to a meeting downtown and left when I secured a ride back to the office with a coworker. His thoughtfulness reminds me I have some follow up emails to send.

Do you have a stepparent? Has he/she taught you lessons about employment? Please share them in the comments section.

Dollars and Sense

Our daughter moves to Chicago next month to begin her first full-time job. She’ll earn more money than she’s made in her entire life. There are lessons my husband and I taught her about managing money that I feel good about and lessons I wish we’d known we should teach her, like:

How to use a bank: When our daughter was sixteen years old, my husband helped her open a debit account and linked it to ours. We not only see how much she’s spending, but can also transfer money between our accounts in case of emergencies.

Save your allowance: We struggled to develop a satisfactory allowance plan. One one hand, when she asked for the latest iPhone, we said, “Save your allowance.” On the other, if you get $10 a week just for existing, what does that teach? Some chores you should just do because you’re part of a family: clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher, do your own laundry, etc., right?

If you have a car, you have a job: My parents gave her money to buy a car and we paid for insurance, but gas and oil changes were her responsibility and her allowance wasn’t enough to cover those. My husband and I think working either in retail or food service should be mandatory and the earlier in life, the better. Those industries teach excellent customer service lessons. Our daughter got a job at an ice cream shop. We got discounts. 🙂

You need skin in the game: We had a Roth IRA to pay for college. She used it up freshman year. To pay for future years, she had a scholarship, financial awards, and student loans, but these didn’t cover all her expenses. So we made a deal. We’d make up the difference for the next three years. Any classes beyond four years, grad school, and student loans are her responsibility. She also had to work part-time. As a result she figured out how to get her bachelor’s degree in four years, sought free money (e.g. she received a grant for being a vice-president of her campus activities board), and worked; sometimes three jobs at a time. In other words, she learned how to hustle.

Be generous: When you’re comfortable giving money away, it loses its power over you. Growing up she helped us give and serve. Today she is known for her generosity and volunteerism.

Good credit is important: We intentionally avoided helping her get a credit card until her senior year in college. My husband counsels her on what to charge, how to check her balance, and when to pay the bill.

There are a few things I wish we’d done: Taught her how to make a proper budget, forced her to save for a goal (e.g., buying her own car), and avoided student loans. Last week she was at the grocery looking for something over the counter to take for her allergies. She texted me a photo asking if the drug would make her feel better. The package revealed she’d chosen a generic instead of brand name; maybe she learned something after all.

How do you teach your children the value of a dollar? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Stay in Your Lane

Photo by Markus Spiske temporausch.com from Pexels

“Hi. My name is Mardi and I’m a chronic over-thinker.” *Hi Mardi!*

Sometimes, my thoughts spin so fast they trip and fall into rabbit holes leading to people that (I think) need my help. Much like Glinda in Wicked, this does not make me “Popular.” (See what I did there?)

While commuting to and from work, cars constantly merge onto the highway. I usually stay in the middle, but there are plenty of people switching lanes. Sometimes they don’t use their signals. Sometimes they race each other to see who is going to get in front of whom. All the time I’m yelling, “Stay in your lane!” This reminds me that (figuratively speaking) I have a tendency to veer out of my lane and merge on top of those around me. There are three reasons I get all up in people’s business. Do any of these sound familiar?

I know better than they do. When someone is going through a situation I’ve been through, I assume their experience is identical to mine. You know what assuming does. (If not, ask me in the comments section below.) For example: Last fall, our daughter hunted a full-time job she could start after graduating from college this spring. Been there. Done that. Three companies recruited her. She accepted the first offer. I wanted her to wait and see if something better came along. Here’s what I should probably do instead: Listen; don’t talk. Ask questions; don’t lecture. Keep my opinions to myself. People ask for my advice when they are ready to hear it, not when I’m ready to give it.

I can save them. I’m a fixer. When I see someone making poor choices, I want to step in and correct their course. For example: A coworker was struggling with potential clients. I edited her pitch to increase her close rate. I even went with her to a few meetings and demonstrated. But, instead of viewing it as process improvement, she felt discouraged. Here’s what I should probably do instead: I need to resist the urge to fix, step in, or think my intervention will save the day. If I see a butterfly struggling to shed a cocoon, and I tear it open, do you know what happens? I kill the butterfly. The struggle strengthens it. Sometimes I just have to sit on my hands and not say everything I think.

I want their attention. I want to feel like I matter. For example: I’ve unpacked pallets of boxes weighing 20lbs each, stacked them in a storage unit, and sent pictures of my work to my manager. Here’s what I should probably do instead: Rein it in. If my work is consistently good, I will get a reputation as a valued member of the team. That is not to say I shouldn’t let my manager know I’m working hard, but weekly one-on-ones would be an appropriate time to do that.

Do you have trouble staying in your lane too? Please share your tips for self-restraint in the comments section below.