Communication – mardihumphreys.com

The Real Power You Have

Agency and autonomy are often discussed as leadership concepts, but their real value is much more personal. They shape how you respond to circumstances, make decisions, and use the freedom you have. Agency is your ability to act and influence what happens next. Autonomy is the freedom to decide how you act. You can think about them this way:

Agency: I can influence what happens next.

Autonomy: I have room to decide how I do it.

The words are related, but they’re not synonymous. You can have agency without autonomy. For example:

You may not get to choose the company’s priorities, but you can decide how you respond to them.
You may not control your family’s needs, but you can decide how you manage your energy around them.
You may not get to choose whether a project has to be completed, but you may have some say in how the work gets done.

Start With Agency

Agency is connected to how you manage your energy. Every day, something is drawing from it: meetings, deadlines, family obligations, difficult conversations, decision fatigue, and the mysterious exhaustion that comes from spending 45 minutes trying to schedule a 20-minute meeting.

Agency asks: Where do I want my energy to go?

You may not have complete control over your day, but you usually have more influence than you think. For example:

Maybe you decide to handle your most demanding work when your energy is highest.
Maybe you stop automatically saying yes to requests that leave you exhausted.
Maybe you prepare for a tense conversation instead of spending two days worrying about it.

Autonomy Gives You Room

Autonomy is different. It’s the amount of freedom you have to choose how something gets done.

Autonomy asks: How do I want to use my energy?

Let’s say your manager gives you a clear outcome and deadline but lets you decide how to organize the work. That’s autonomy. Or maybe your family needs your help with an aging parent. You cannot ignore the responsibility, but you decide how tasks are divided, when you help, and where you need support.

Autonomy creates room for judgment. And judgment is something leaders need to practice. When every decision is made for you, you get fewer chances to build confidence in your own judgement. When you have some room to choose, you learn what works, what doesn’t, and what kind of decision-maker you are.

When You Have One Without the Other

This is where things get interesting.

You can have agency without much autonomy. Your organization may announce a reorganization you had no part in designing. Your autonomy is limited. But you still have agency. You can decide which relationships to strengthen. You can ask better questions. You can protect your energy by focusing on what is within your control. You can learn what your new team needs. You can update your skills. The lack of autonomy is real. So is your ability to respond.

You can also have autonomy without using much agency. You may have plenty of freedom over how you structure your day and still spend your best energy on low-value tasks, other people’s priorities, or problems that do not belong to you. Having freedom doesn’t automatically mean you are using it well. You need to deliberately decide how to use that freedom.

Build More of Both

You can strengthen agency by making more intentional decisions. For example:

Set your own priorities before other people set them for you. Ask yourself, “What can I influence here?”
Notice which people, tasks, and habits consistently drain your energy.
Make one decision instead of carrying five unresolved ones around in your head.
Protect some capacity for the things that matter most. (Remember our chat about boundaries?)

You can strengthen autonomy by building trust and competence. When people know you follow through, they’re often more willing to give you room. Ask for latitude. Try, “Can we agree on the outcome and deadline, and let me decide how I get us there?” That’s a reasonable request. You can also create more autonomy in your personal life by clarifying responsibilities. If family obligations are consuming your energy, talk about who owns what.

Give Some Away

If you lead other people, whether that’s employees, volunteers, or your children, give them some autonomy. Be clear about the result, the constraints, and what success looks like. Then give them space. Micromanagement drains everyone’s energy and weakens judgment. Your people need opportunities to make decisions if you want them to become better decision-makers.

Protect Your Energy

Agency helps you decide where your energy goes. Autonomy gives you room to use that energy in a way that works for you. Together, they help you lead with more purpose. So when you feel depleted or stuck, try asking yourself two questions: What can I influence? Where do I have room to choose? The answers won’t solve everything. But they’ll help you stop spending energy where you have no leverage and start using it where you do.

Where in your life do you need more agency, more autonomy, or both? Please share in the comments.

Scared of Boundaries?

Setting a boundary is easy. Then you have to communicate that boundary. And, while it may take a bit of courage, that too is doable. Then someone crosses your boundary. That’s where things get scary.

Defending your boundary after someone ignores it feels like you’re suddenly starring in a low-budget psychological thriller called But I Already Said No.

What if they think you’re difficult?

What if your manager gets annoyed?

What if your friend takes it personally?

What if your family thinks you’ve changed?

What if people stop asking you for help?

Boundaries can affect relationships, opportunities, and your reputation. But not managing your boundaries has consequences too. Boundaries are tools leaders use to protect resources like time, energy, attention, and money.

Set It

A boundary starts with knowing what you’re protecting.

Maybe you stop answering work messages after 7 p.m.

Maybe you decide you won’t lend money you cannot afford to lose.

Maybe you block one evening a week from commitments.

Maybe you limit how much emotional support you can give someone when you’re already depleted.

A useful boundary is specific enough that you know when you’ve crossed it. I need better balance is a goal. I’m keeping Sunday afternoon free unless there is an emergency is a boundary. Clarity makes a boundary easier to communicate.

Say It

People can’t honor a boundary they don’t know exists. And hinting does not count. You can communicate a boundary clearly without making it dramatic. For example:

I can help with that tomorrow, but I’m unavailable tonight.
I can stay for an hour.
I’m not able to take on another project unless we move one of my current priorities.
I’m happy to talk about this, but I don’t want to discuss it in front of everyone.

You’re explaining what you can or cannot do. That’s different from an ultimatum. A boundary says, here is what I will do. An ultimatum says, here is what you must do. The distinction is significant because leaders manage their own behavior before trying to manage everyone else’s.

Hold It

(Cue the scary music.) Someone ignores your boundary. They call anyway. They send another “quick” request. They guilt you. They say, “But you always do this.” They act offended. Now your boundary needs follow-through. Try:

I know I’ve made exceptions before, but I’m not able to do that tonight.
I understand this is important. I can help tomorrow morning.
We agreed I would not take on another assignment without reprioritizing. Which current project would you like me to pause?
I’m going to step away from this conversation for now. We can try again later.

You may feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong. Courage often looks remarkably unglamorous. Sometimes it’s just repeating the same sentence without adding seventeen paragraphs of explanation.

Keep It Flexible

A boundary is not a stone rampart surrounding a medieval castle. You may temporarily suspend a boundary because you decide the situation deserves it. Circumstances change. A friend has an emergency. A deadline truly cannot move. Someone you love needs more of your time for a season. There’s a difference between consciously making an exception and repeatedly abandoning your boundary because someone applied pressure. Strong boundaries have enough structure to protect you and enough flexibility to accommodate real life.

Practice Being Brave

Boundary-setting gets easier with repetition. Start small. For example:

Say no to one request you genuinely do not have the capacity for right now.
Delay one response instead of answering immediately.
Tell someone when a proposed time doesn’t work for you.
Correct a small boundary violation instead of hoping the person figures it out.

Each repetition teaches you that both your discomfort and their disappointment are survivable. The more you practice, the less terrifying defending the next boundary feels.

Protect Your T.E.A.M.

When deciding whether a boundary is worth moving or defending, ask yourself:

What is this costing me in time?
Will it deplete my energy?
How much attention do I have to give it?
Is there a financial impact?
Am I spending those resources in a way that reflects how I want to lead my life?

Boundaries help you be intentional with your resources. They may feel scary at first. But living without them is a whole lot scarier.

How do you make defending your boundaries less scary? Please share in the comments.

Driver Training

Last week we talked about being the driver instead of living like a passenger. I got a great question in response: “Is there anything you can do to prepare for these kinds of situations? Kinda, sorta, like, driver’s training?” I love that! And, you know me, my first thought was, “Let’s make a process!”

Start Here

A process is just a repeatable way of deciding how you’ll act when the outcome is uncertain. Long before anyone gives you a leadership title, you’re making choices about how you respond under pressure, how you treat people, how you handle uncertainty, and what you do when the answer isn’t obvious. Those choices shape your influence. Your influence shapes your leadership. Leadership starts with how you lead yourself. A reliable process gives you something steady to return to when emotions are high, information is incomplete, or people are pulling you in different directions. Instead of depending on your mood at the time, you have a way to think.

Define Your Wins

We tend to define success by the result. For example, the conversation went well, your idea was accepted, the conflict was resolved, or everyone agreed. Those outcomes are satisfying, but they depend on more than you. A stronger measure is how well you handled it because that’s what you control. For example, maybe you:

prepared for a difficult conversation instead of winging it
asked a better question this time
listened more carefully before responding
stayed calm while someone else was frustrated

That’s progress! Self-leadership gets stronger when you measure yourself by the quality of your actions instead of only by whether everything turned out the way you hoped it would. To determine wins you can actually own, ask yourself:

Did I prepare?
Did I communicate clearly?
Did I act in line with my values?
Did I treat people fairly?
Did I make the best decision I could with what I knew?

Practice on the Small Stuff

Good judgment grows through repetition. Every day you have chances to practice. For example:

Someone sends you an irritating direct message. Do you fire back or give yourself a minute?
A teammate asks for help when your plate is already full. Do you automatically say yes or pause and think about what you can realistically give?
A meeting starts going sideways. Do you add to the tension or help bring the conversation back to the issue?

These moments are ordinary and they build leadership habits. Before long, the way you respond becomes more consistent. People begin to know what they can expect from you and that consistency builds trust.

Let It Go

One of the hardest parts of leadership is accepting that a good process does not guarantee a good result. You can communicate thoughtfully and still be misunderstood. You can make a fair decision and still disappoint someone. You can prepare carefully and still get surprised. You can make the best call available and learn something important the next day.

A disappointing result does not automatically mean your judgment was poor. Look at the process behind your decision.

Did you gather all the information you reasonably could?
Did you consider the people affected?
Did you think through the trade-offs?
Did you act in line with your principles?

You are responsible for the quality of your thinking and the integrity of your actions. You are not responsible for controlling every reaction, consequence, or circumstance that follows. That distinction gives you room to learn without endlessly second-guessing yourself.

Review is Part of the Process

Reflection turns experience into better judgment. Keep it simple. A note on your phone works. Over time, patterns will appear. Build a regular habit of asking yourself:

What worked?
What felt off?
What did I miss?
What did I learn about myself?
What would I do differently next time?

Maybe you communicate better after you have had time to think. Maybe you avoid tension until it becomes harder to address. Maybe you are at your best when you ask questions before offering solutions. Those patterns teach you how you lead. And once you can see them, you can improve them.

Pick One

Choose one process-driven habit to practice this week. For example:

Pause before responding when you feel defensive
End the day by writing down one decision you made well and one thing you learned
Ask one more question before giving advice
Take a few minutes before a difficult conversation to decide how you want to show up
When you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself, “What part of this is actually mine to influence?”
Commit to the practice itself

A consistent process gives you something predictable to lean on when circumstances are unpredictable. And the more consistently you lead yourself well, the more likely people are to trust your leadership.

What process helps you make better decisions when the outcome is uncertain? Please share in the comments.

Take the Wheel

Are you a passenger or are you the driver? A passenger goes where the car takes them. A driver takes the wheel. You don’t always get to choose the road. Your company reorganizes. A difficult client changes the scope. Again. Your manager makes a decision you disagree with. The job you once enjoyed starts to feel like a dead end. You may not control any of that. But you do control what you do next.

Who’s Driving?

This week I learned psychologists use the term locus of control to describe how much influence you believe you have over what happens in your life. There are two kinds.

If you have an external locus of control, then you believe outcomes are mostly determined by forces outside you. For example, you tend to think, “There’s nothing I can do. Leadership decides everything. The client is impossible. The company is a mess. I’m stuck.” (Passenger mindset)

If you have an internal locus of control, then you believe your choices and actions can influence your outcomes. For example, you tend to think, “I may not control this situation, but I do control my response.” (Driver mindset)

Sometimes those external locus of control statements contain plenty of truth. Leadership does make decisions you can’t change. Some clients are difficult. Companies will reorganize without asking your permission. You don’t have to pretend those realities don’t exist. At the same time, you also don’t have to allow them to drive your life. Let’s talk about what the different loci of control can look like.

The Difficult Client

Let’s say you have a client who changes direction constantly. You deliver what they asked for on Monday. On Wednesday, they want something different. By Friday, they’re frustrated because the project isn’t moving fast enough. Passenger thinking sounds like: “This client is impossible. There’s no way to please them.” Driver thinking asks: “What can I steer here?” Maybe you document changes in writing. Maybe you clarify who has final approval. Maybe you establish what happens to the timeline when the scope changes. Maybe you bring your manager into the conversation before the project completely derails. You still can’t control the client. But you can control how you manage the client.

The Reorganization

Teams disappear. Reporting structures change. Priorities get moved around like somebody hit the Shuffle button on the org chart. You probably didn’t make the decision, and you probably can’t undo it. Passengers wait to see what happens. Drivers gather information: What does your new team own? What does your manager need from you? Which of your skills are suddenly more valuable? What relationships should you strengthen? What do you need to learn? You may discover the reorganization creates an opportunity. You may also discover it’s time to prepare for something outside the company. Either way, you’re making a decision instead of waiting for one to be made for you.

Feeling Stuck

When you feel stuck in your role, it’s really tempting to tell yourself there are no opportunities, your manager doesn’t notice your work., or nobody has offered you anything better. And, maybe all three are true. Now what? A passenger waits for their manager to recognize them, for an opportunity to appear, or for the company to change. A driver starts looking for what’s available. For example, ask your manager what skills you need for the next level. Volunteer for a project that gives you visibility. Update your resume. Reconnect with former colleagues. Take a course. Apply for a different role. Start conversations with people doing work you’d like to do. No dramatic career move, just clarifying the difference between what you can control and what you can do.

Take the Wheel

Being the driver doesn’t guarantee life will go your way. The best you can do is recognize where your influence begins and use it. When you feel yourself slipping into passenger mode, try this:

Separate: Divide the situation into two categories: what you control and what you don’t. Spend your energy on the former.

Question: When you hear yourself thinking, “There’s nothing I can do,” ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do?” Even one useful action changes your mindset.

Respond: Give yourself a little space between what happens and what you do about it. A frustrating email doesn’t require an immediate frustrated response. (Full disclosure: I’m still learning this lesson.)

Ask: Get information instead of making assumptions. Your brain insists on complete stories. If you don’t have enough information, your mind will make stuff up. Ask your manager about priorities. Ask the client to clarify expectations. Ask what options could exist before deciding there aren’t any.

Act: Take one small step. Schedule the conversation. Document the issue. Update the resume. Learn the skill. You don’t need to control the entire road to make the next turn.

Where do you need to move from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat? Please share in the comments.

That’s the Spirit

I stumbled across a proverb of unknown origin that I haven’t been able to get out of my head:

“Lions and tigers are cool, but you won’t find a wolf in the circus.”

Huh.

I think it means while lions and tigers can represent strength the wolf can represent independence, resilience, loyalty, and/or freedom. It’s an image connected to an ethos.

Your ethos is the distinguishing characteristic, sentiment, moral nature, or spirit behind who you are. It’s the culmination of your experiences and the beliefs you’ve developed because of them. It reflects what you aspire to do and how you behave. Which makes me wonder: How do you know what your ethos is?

What Do You Believe?

You can describe yourself with words like, I value courage. I believe in treating people with respect. I’m dependable. I’m fair. I speak up for what’s right. Do those words match your behavior? For example, you say you value courage, but do you stay quiet when a meeting takes a bad turn? You say you value respect, but when a client disrespects you, do you snap at them? You say you believe in boundaries, but do you agree to every request because you’re afraid of disappointing someone? Your ethos is defined by what you do when what you say about yourself is inconvenient. Your stated ethos is what you believe about yourself. Your demonstrated ethos is what everyone else experiences. When those two things align, leadership happens.

Pressure

Your ethos becomes easiest to see when work gets hard. Let’s say you’re responsible for a project that suddenly starts slipping. The deadline hasn’t moved, senior leadership wants answers, and your inbox looks like it has developed the ability to spontaneously reproduce like Mogwai (Gremlins) getting wet. Do you panic and start blaming people? Do you hide the problem and hope you can fix it before anyone notices? Or do you calmly acknowledge what happened, identify the next decision, and communicate clearly? Pressure reveals which beliefs you actually practice.

Boundaries

Your ethos also shows up in what you’re willing to protect. Maybe you believe good leadership requires sustainable performance. Then your behavior should reflect that belief. When another assignment lands on an already full plate, do you automatically say yes? Or do you say, “I can take that on. Which of my current priorities should move?” Setting a boundary is both a time-management technique and an expression of your ethos. If you believe good work requires focus, then protecting your focus is part of acting on that belief.

Decisions

Ethos becomes especially useful when the right answer isn’t obvious. Your ethos gives you something solid to stand on while making difficult decisions. For example:

You’re choosing between two good candidates
You’re deciding whether to deliver something quickly or ask for more time to improve it
You have information your manager may not want to hear
There may not be a policy telling you exactly what to do

These are all situations where your ethos becomes a decision-making tool. If one of your core beliefs is fairness, ask: Am I being fair, or am I letting convenience, favoritism, or pressure influence me? If it’s courage: What would I do if fear weren’t making this decision for me? If it’s stewardship: Which choice protects the people, resources, and responsibilities entrusted to me?

Conflict

Anyone can be gracious when everyone agrees with them. Conflict is the test. Let’s say a coworker challenges your recommendation in front of the team. Your first instinct may be to defend yourself, interrupt, or mentally begin preparing their performance review despite having absolutely no authority to give them one. Your ethos creates a pause between instinct and action. If you value curiosity, ask a question. If you value respect, listen before responding. If you value courage, address the disagreement instead of avoiding it. Leadership lives in these unexpected moments, even when nobody calls them leadership.

Define Yours

You probably already have an ethos. Have you named it? If not, you may find this exercise useful.

Reflect: Think about experiences that shaped you. What did they teach you about the kind of person you want to be?

Choose: Identify three to five qualities or beliefs that matter most to you. Courage? Curiosity? Compassion? Discipline? Fairness? Independence?

Test: Look at your recent behavior in the past month or quarter. Where are your actions aligned with those qualities or beliefs? Where are they contradicting them?

Apply: Before a difficult conversation or decision, ask, “What would someone with my ethos do here?”

Create a touchstone: Choose an image, object, phrase, or symbol that reminds you of it. Maybe it’s a compass because you want to stay guided by your principles. Maybe it’s an oak tree because you value steadiness. Maybe it’s a wolf.

What image represents your ethos? Please share in the comments.

Someone Is Watching

You probably don’t think of yourself as a role model when you’re answering texts, updating a project plan, or trying to make it through a meeting that should have been an email. But someone is watching how you work. A newer teammate notices how you respond when a deadline slips. A coworker pays attention to whether you share credit. A client remembers how you handled a mistake. A peer may quietly borrow the way you organize meetings, communicate bad news, or protect your time.

If you think you’re not a role model because you don’t have a fancy title, please think again. You often don’t get to choose to be a role model. You get cast because of how you behave when other people are watching. And yes, they are watching. With a little bit of intention, being a role model can help you get promoted more quickly. Here are five qualities that make you the kind of human other humans want to emulate.

Humility

Humility is being confident enough to admit you don’t know something. Let’s say you’re leading a project meeting and someone asks a technical question you can’t answer. You could bluff your way through it and hope nobody notices. Or you could say, “I’m not sure. I’ll find out and get back to you.” That response builds credibility because people learn they can trust your answers. Humility also shows up when someone else has the better idea. If a teammate suggests a faster process, acknowledge it. If a coworker spots a risk you missed, thank them. It seems counterintuitive, but you actually gain authority by recognizing someone else’s contribution because you’re making it safer for people to speak up.

Empathy

Empathy helps you understand what is happening around the work, not just the work itself. Let’s say a coworker misses a deadline. You could immediately assume they’re careless. Or you could ask them what happened before deciding what the problem is. Maybe they were waiting for information from another department. Maybe their workload changed unexpectedly. Maybe the assignment was less clear than you thought. Empathy requires getting enough context to respond intelligently. If you manage people, empathy is crucial. Before piling another assignment onto someone’s workload, ask what they’re already carrying. Before criticizing a quiet direct report for not participating, consider whether your meeting style gives them room to speak. People will actively try to be on a team whose leader treats them with respect.

Service

Being useful is one of the fastest ways to gain respect. Having said that, resist volunteering for every task until your calendar looks like a game of Tetris. Discern what would genuinely help. Maybe you send a new employee the document you wish someone had given you during your first week. Maybe you explain a confusing process instead of telling someone to check the portal. Maybe you notice a teammate is preparing for a major presentation and offer to review their slides. Small acts of service builds trust and business moves at the speed of trust. When you routinely make someone else’s job easier, it triggers the rule of reciprocity. This is when the receiver feels an urge to return the favor. I trust you to use this superpower for good.

Leadership

Leadership is what happens when your behavior makes other people better at their jobs. You can practice it long before anyone gives you direct reports. For example, you demonstrate leadership when a project gets messy and you help clarify the next step. When people are frustrated and you keep the conversation productive, you’re leading. When a mistake happens and you focus on correcting the process instead of finding someone to blame, that’s leadership. You also prove leadership by being consistent. If you tell people to protect their focus time, protect yours too. If you encourage people to take vacation, don’t send them twelve messages while they’re gone. If you say everyone’s input matters, make room for it. People notice what you do more than what you say.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness means paying attention to how you affect other people. You can only improve the behavior you acknowledge exists. For example, do you tend to dominate meetings because you process out loud? Do your direct messages become abrupt when you’re under pressure? Do you insist on being included in every decision because you’re worried something will go wrong without you? None of these habits automatically make you a bad coworker. They become a problem when you never examine them. Watch for patterns. If people stop contributing to the discussion after you speak, ask yourself why. If coworkers regularly misunderstand your requests, look at how you communicate them. If your team seems hesitant to bring you bad news, consider what happens when someone does.

Your Role Model Self-Audit

At the end of this week, ask yourself:

Did I admit when I didn’t know something?
Did I try to understand someone before judging their behavior?
Did I make a teammate’s work easier?
Did I notice how my behavior affected the people around me?
Did my actions make it easier for others to do good work?

You don’t need to answer yes to every question. That would be suspiciously perfect. Pick one question where your answer makes you uncomfortable and work on that area next week. You’re building your reputation in hundreds of tiny moments. Every meeting, decision, response, and interaction teaches people something about how you operate. Your goal is to teach them something worth learning.

Who is your role model and why? Please share in the comments.

Are You Experienced?

You’ve been in your field for five years. You know the systems, understand the personalities, and can spot a problem before everyone else realizes there is one. People come to you because you get stuff done. That sounds like experience, right? But is it five years of growth or is it the same year repeated five times? Repetition can make you faster and feel more confident. It can help you build good judgment and become a trusted subject matter expert. At the same time, if your work isn’t challenging you, then you may be very busy while your career stands still.

Competent vs Comfortable

Competence is valuable. It’s also comfortable. Why could that be a problem? You meet your deadlines. Your manager rarely needs to check your work. Coworkers rely on you to solve familiar problems. You can complete tasks that once took hours in a fraction of the time.

Once you master a task, you use fewer brain cells to complete it. That makes your day easier, but it also means the work may no longer be building your skills. You are producing more because you know the routine, not because you’re learning something new. You need to ensure being good at your current job helps you prepare for your next one.

More Work Does Not Equal More Experience

Does your workload keep growing, but your abilities don’t? For example, let’s say you prepare six reports every month. Then your manager adds six more. You are now responsible for twice as much work, but you are still using the same skills. That is more volume, not necessarily more development.

Now let’s say you learn how to automate part of the reporting process, identify patterns in the data, and present recommendations to senior leaders. The original task has become a development opportunity because it requires new abilities. More responsibility makes you grow. More repetition makes you tired. Are you being stretched, or are you being weighed down?

Some Warning Signs

Being trusted for a strength is useful. Maybe you are the spreadsheet person, the meeting rescuer, or the calm one who fixes every last-minute crisis. It can turn into a trap when people keep giving you work you have already mastered. Here are a few clues:

Your work rarely makes you uncomfortable.
You already know how to handle nearly every assignment.
You cannot remember the last time you needed to learn something before moving forward.
You are known for one thing.
Your résumé has stopped changing.
Your job title may be different, but your accomplishments sound almost identical to the ones you listed two years ago.
You cannot name a skill you developed recently.

Ask yourself, “What can I do today that I could not do one year ago?” You don’t necessarily need to name a certification, but there should be an answer. Have you learned to manage conflict? Influence leaders? Mentor a colleague? Make decisions with incomplete information?

Three Types of Experience

It can be useful to separate experience into three categories.

Repeated experience is performing the same work under similar conditions. You need this to build mastery.

Expanded experience is doing familiar work with greater complexity, visibility, or responsibility.

Developmental experience is building a capability you can use in future roles.

For examples: Creating the same monthly presentation is repeated experience. Presenting it to executives is expanded experience. Learning how to turn the information into a recommendation that changes a business decision is developmental experience.

Stretch the Work You Already Have

You can build all these types of experience today. Start by adding one stretch element to familiar work. For example, lead the meeting instead of preparing the notes. Present the recommendation instead of only gathering the information. Train a coworker instead of remaining the only person who knows the process. Ask to participate in planning instead of waiting for someone to hand you the final assignment.

You can also request experience. In your next 1:1 with your manager, instead of telling them you want to improve your leadership skills, you could request to build experience by leading a cross-functional project. Find out if there Is an upcoming initiative where you could own part of the work. Even if there isn’t one right away, now your manager knows to think of you when assigning the next one. A course can teach you concepts. You need a real assignment to prove you can apply them.

Audit Your Experience

Review your projects and calendar from the last six months. Label each major activity as repetition, expansion, or development. If most of your work falls into the repetition category, do not panic. Treat that information as a prompt.

Choose one skill you want to strengthen and look for a practical way to use it. Volunteer to facilitate a discussion, mentor a new employee, improve a process, learn a new tool, or present your work to a different audience.

Aim for one meaningful stretch experience each quarter. Four new experiences a year can change the direction of your career especially when they build on each other.

Your experience should compound. Each year should add better judgment, broader skills, stronger relationships, and/or the ability to solve more complex problems.

What type of experience has helped you build your career in the past year? Please share in the comments.

Keep It Moving

Let’s say you met with three interesting people last week. You had good conversations. You exchanged ideas. Maybe somebody even said, “We should definitely stay in touch.” Fantastic! A calendar full of one-on-one meetings makes you feel productive.

What exactly did you produce?

Networking supports business development, but they aren’t the same thing. Networking helps you build relationships. Business development requires you to understand where there may be a need and you intentionally move the relationship toward an appropriate next step.

This does not mean you turn every one-on-one into a sales pitch. (Please don’t.) Just be mindful to deliberately move through three relationship stages: connection, relevance, and action.

Connection

This is the know part of the know-like-trust factor. The first part of a one-on-one conversation should still feel like a conversation between two humans. Learn what the other person does. Ask about their work. Find out what they care about.

Good questions help you understand context, avoid misunderstandings, spot roadblocks, and build rapport. Your questions should be clear, specific, and asked with a goal in mind. Instead of spending 45 minutes comparing career histories, ask questions that reveal what is happening in their business right now. For example:

What are clients asking you for most right now?
What are you trying to grow this year?
What is getting harder in your business?
What kinds of problems keep landing in your inbox?

Then listen. Don’t spend their answer time mentally rehearsing your pitch. Actively listen to understand what they’re telling you and use what you hear to formulate your follow-up questions. Because that’s where business development starts to get interesting.

Relevance

This is the like part of the know-like-trust factor. Once you understand what’s happening in their business, look for where your work may be relevant. Listen for sentences like:

We’re expanding.
Our team is overwhelmed.
We’re struggling with…
Our clients keep asking us for…
I wish we had someone who could…

Resist the temptation to launch into a five-minute description of everything you sell. Instead, get curious. For example, you could ask a follow-up question like:

You mentioned your team is struggling with that. What is making it so difficult?
How are you handling it now?
What happens if that problem does not get solved?

Now you’re learning whether there is a genuine business problem, how important it is, and whether you may be able to help.

They start to like you when they clearly see how you can relieve their pain. This is the appropriate time to make your work easy to understand. If someone leaves your one-on-one knowing you’re a consultant whose organization does several things involving strategy, communications, leadership, and organizational effectiveness, then they don’t know what problem sends someone to you. Try something like: I help companies solve X so they can achieve Y. Or: The people who usually call me are dealing with X. That gives the other person something memorable with language they can repeat when they encounter someone who needs you.

Action

This is the trust part of the know-like-trust factor. You had a wonderful one-on-one. You both said you should get together again. That was six months ago. Business development requires movement. The next step doesn’t have to be, Would you like to hire me? It might be:

I know someone you should meet. Would an introduction be useful?
You mentioned that challenge with your team. Would you like me to send you a few ideas?
That is exactly the type of problem I work on. Would it make sense to schedule another conversation specifically about it?
Who else in your organization is involved in solving that?

Action turns an interesting conversation into a developing opportunity. Your follow-up matters too. Skip the generic, Great meeting you! as your entire message. Refer to something specific the person said. Send the resource you promised. Make the introduction. Confirm the next conversation. Reliability builds trust, and trust makes it much easier for someone to give you business or put your name in front of someone who can.

Do This Before Your Next One-on-One

Take five minutes to prepare. Know what you want to learn. Think about the problems you solve.
Prepare two or three questions that might uncover needs, priorities, or opportunities.
Remind yourself that during the conversation, you’re going to listen for relevance.
Make yourself a note that before you leave the conversation you will ask yourself: Is there a natural next action? Then take it.

Please don’t make every one-on-one meeting transactional. Relationships need time to grow. At the same time, acknowledge the difference between activity and progress. Drinking a lot of coffee is networking. Creating connection, finding relevance, and moving toward action is business development.

How do you move a networking conversation toward action? Please share in the comments.

F or F The Sequel

Wow! Thank you for your responses to Part One of Frustrating or Fatal? In my networking last week, it became pretty obvious pretty quick this topic is a bigger conversation than I was aware. Here are a few more things that came up when deciding if your workplace is toxic, or you’re just having a bad week.

Does Favoritism Shape Your Opportunities?

Every manager has people they naturally connect with. That alone doesn’t create a toxic culture. The warning sign is when relationships consistently matter more than performance. Certain employees receive better assignments, inside information, promotions, and forgiveness. Others are held to stricter standards or excluded from decisions that affect their work. You may deliver strong results for months, yet watch a less-qualified coworker receive an opportunity because they have better access to leadership. When employees believe outcomes depend on being liked, they stop focusing on good work and start noticing who is invited to the golf outing.

Are Mistakes Ammunition?

Healthy teams examine mistakes to improve the process. Toxic teams search for someone to blame. A missed deadline may reveal unclear ownership, poor planning, or too many competing priorities. Instead of fixing those conditions, leadership singles out one employee and uses the incident against them for months. This creates a culture where people hide errors, avoid responsibility, and document every conversation for self-protection. When your attention goes into proving that something was not your fault, you pay less attention to solving the real problem.

Are Your Boundaries Treated as Optional?

You should be able to take approved leave without being punished. You should be able to step away when you are sick. Your manager is not entitled to constant access to your hours outside of work. A toxic workplace assumes you’re available 24/7/365. You may receive messages late at night with no stated urgency, then face criticism for responding the next morning. You may get questioned about your commitment when you can’t attend a meeting outside your normal hours. A salary pays for your work. It does not purchase every minute of your life.

Do Values Only Appear on a Wall?

Many organizations talk about trust, teamwork, respect, flexibility, or employee well-being. The real culture shows up in decisions. Does leadership say it values collaboration but rewards information hoarders? Does the company promote wellness but chronically understaff teams? Does it preach transparency while punishing employees who respectfully raise concerns? Ignore the posters for a second. Notice what gets rewarded, tolerated, and repeated. That is the culture.

Is Your Body Noticing?

A toxic workplace can change how you feel about yourself. Do you get the Sunday Scaries? Do you reread your replies to emails several times before sending them because you’re afraid of typing the wrong thing? Do you lose sleep every night before a 1:1 with your manger? Do you feel drained long after the workday ends? Have you begun to question your judgment? Maybe you were once confident in your abilities, but now you second-guess every decision. You assume problems are your fault. You hesitate to apply for other jobs because you believe you have become less capable. This is useful data your body gives you.

What to Do Next

Begin with documentation: Write down specific incidents, including dates, people involved, what happened, and any follow-up. Save relevant emails, messages, performance reviews, and policy documents where legally and ethically appropriate on a device not owned/administered by your workplace.

Next, test the situation with a calm question: “I want to make sure I understand the expectations. Can we confirm the priority, deadline, and what success will look like?”

When addressing repeated behavior, you might say: “I notice this has happened several times. I’d like to discuss the impact it’s having on my work and what we can change going forward.”

Then watch the response: A healthy organization may not solve the problem immediately, but someone will usually listen, clarify, investigate, or take responsibility. A toxic organization often denies the pattern, blames you for noticing it, or makes the situation worse.

Finally, imagine that nothing changes for another year: How does that feel? Ordinary frustration may feel manageable. Persistent dread deserves your attention. You do not need to quit tomorrow. You do need to stop dismissing what you are experiencing. Strengthen your professional network, update your resume, review your finances, and learn what options are available. Clarity gives you choices. Exhaustion takes them away.

How do you decide when it’s time to leave a toxic workplace? Please share in the comments.

Frustrating or Fatal?

I’ve been listening to conversations where people are wondering if their workplaces are toxic. If you’re wondering too, please join this discussion in the comments.

Every workplace has frustrating days. A project falls apart. Your manager changes direction halfway through the strategic plan. A client schedules a meeting that could have been an email, then turns the email into a spreadsheet. Annoying? Absolutely. Toxic? Maybe not.

A workplace becomes toxic when harmful behavior is integrated into how the organization operates. The behavior repeats. People expect it. Leaders ignore it, reward it, or protect the people responsible for it. The label “toxic” may come immediately to mind at the end of a tough day. But a workplace can be demanding, disorganized, understaffed, or poorly managed without being toxic. Here are some questions I’ve learned that you can ask yourself to process what you’re experiencing.

Are You Afraid to Speak Honestly?

In a healthy workplace, you can raise a concern without spending the rest of the day wondering whether you just ruined your career. In a toxic workplace, people learn to stay quiet. You may notice your coworkers avoid asking questions during meetings. Maybe your manager softens bad news before reporting to leadership. Perhaps team members agree publicly, then complain privately because disagreement feels risky. For example, let’s say your manager proposes an unrealistic deadline. You explain the work will require two additional weeks. Instead of discussing resources or priorities, your manager calls you lazy in front of the team. One incident may be a fluke. A pattern teaches everyone a lesson: honesty comes with consequences.

Do Expectations Keep Moving?

Work involves changing priorities: Clients revise requests, leaders respond to new information, projects evolve. The problem begins when expectations change without clear communication, then the team is blamed for failing to meet the revised standard. For example, maybe you’re instructed to focus on quality and later you’re criticized for working too slowly. The following week, speed is the priority but mistakes are cited as evidence you’re careless. You can’t win when the definition of success changes after the work is finished. Pay attention to whether leaders clarify tradeoffs. When everything is urgent, perfect, strategic, and completed by Friday, the issue is probably not your time management.

Does Bad Behavior Get Rebranded as Talent?

Some workplaces tolerate bullying because the person responsible produces valued results. For example, a director interrupts colleagues, insults junior staff, or spreads gossip. Leadership shrugs and says, “That’s just how he is,” or “He has high standards.” Translation: the organization has decided that other people should absorb the cost of this person’s behavior. Results matter. So does the way those results are achieved. A talented employee who creates fear, confusion, and turnover is creating additional work for everyone else.

Is Overwork a Loyalty Test?

Busy periods happen. Product launches, audits, deadlines, and staffing gaps can require extra effort. Toxicity happens when overwork becomes standard operating procedure. For example, you’re expected to answer emails at night. Vacations are unapologetically interrupted. Sick days are treated as inconveniences. The team keeps losing people, but leaders continue assigning the same amount of work to fewer employees. Eventually, exhaustion is considered evidence of commitment. Ask yourself: Is the workload temporary and acknowledged? Are leaders adjusting priorities, adding support, or removing lower-value work? Or are they praising resilience while quietly ignoring burnout?

Questions to Ask Yourself

Does the harmful behavior happen repeatedly?
Does it affect multiple people?
Are employees mocked or sidelined for raising concerns?
Do leaders know what is happening?
Have leaders had opportunities to respond?
Do the same problems keep popping up and swept under the rug?
Is your health, confidence, or personal life being adversely affected?

The more yes answers, the more seriously you should take your situation.

What signs of a toxic workplace have you observed? Please share in the comments.