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The Hard Way

Have you noticed that the skills you learned the hard way are the ones you remember best? Setting boundaries, creating margin, and disregarding toxic people’s opinions, are skills I learned through situations like my parents divorce, being the only female on my commercial production team, and working for a supervisor who only hired me to be his scapegoat. Through these experiences, I learned to adapt and be nimble. I was forced to discover my limits and figure out what to do when I reached them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pollyanna. I’m a pirate. I’ve learned, and continue to practice, turning hardships over, around, and upside down looking for opportunity in the adversity in order to survive it. One of the ways I do this is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude is not a luxury for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it. I hope some of the things I do will work for you too.

Journal: Every morning I write down at least one thing in my gratitude journal that I’m thankful for from the previous day. I try not to be snarky. Statements like, “I’m grateful my gossipy coworker called in sick,” are not allowed. I mentioned my gratitude journal in an earlier post. Read more about it here.

Give: When it comes to money, I’m a saver. I tend to hold on to it too tightly. When I begin to resemble Ebenezer Scrooge, I look for ways to give some of it away anonymously. Gratitude reminds me to be thankful that since I have enough money to meet my needs, I can afford to give some of it away. For example: Paying the bill of the person behind me in the Starbucks drive thru line.

Serve: Serving doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind me at the Post Office, chatting with a lonely store owner during my canvassing, and letting someone with fewer items than me cut in the grocery store line. Gratitude reminds me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem and I don’t have to be another one.

So how have these three practices helped me in my career? When I’m in a difficult situation, gratitude reminds me that it’s temporary. As my grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” Remembering this helps me to relax and that vibe often attracts new connections. Luck is not only preparation meeting opportunity, it’s having an open mind and generous attitude. Networking is much easier if I’m genuinely interested in getting to know a person instead of just finding out what she can do for me. Gratitude helps me see light in dark circumstances. When I can see light at the end of a tunnel, I know what direction to head. I can formulate a plan to get around the obstacles in the tunnel and reach that light. Like when I have a project deadline looming and not enough crew, hours, or inventory to complete it, gratitude helps me focus on the fact that at least I have the project.

When work makes you feel small, stupid, sick, or stuck, practice gratitude. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Pay it forward because what goes around comes around. The love you take is equal to the love you make. These cliches are cliche because they are true. Gratitude is contagious. Go infect as many people as you can this week then tell me about it here:

Yes, Your Honor

We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.

Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”

No pressure.

My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.

My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.

Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.

I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M. effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here:

Back-handed Benevolence

WARNING: The following post is more savage than usual. Read at your own risk.

I’ve already commented on sexism in this blog, but another form of it has hit my radar and I can’t get it out of my head: Benevolent Sexism. How have I missed this?! This has happened to me throughout my career. In fact, I use it to my advantage whenever possible. Am I being lazy? Am I taking advantage of an unfair societal norm? Am I overthinking this? Peter Glick and Susan T. Fiske did an extremely thorough study on sexism in 1996, in which they defined two types of sexism: Hostile and Benevolent.

Summary: Hostile Sexism (HS) is insulting women because of stereotypes; IE: objectifying women and/or degrading women. Benevolent Sexism (BS) is complementing women because of stereotypes; IE: always being told you look good and never being told your work looks good. Thanks to the Me Too movement, hostile sexism will probably not be tolerated in the office. Women would likely rebel against overt efforts of control. But the facade of BS makes women think this control is okay. After all, men are trying to take care of us, right? It’s all warm and fuzzy until you realize you’re contributing to the sabotage of your leadership goals.

Stereotypes:
Women are born kind, emotional, and compassionate. You grab a coffee for your male coworker while getting your own. He praises you for your thoughtfulness. When you suggest he get it next time, he calls you,“bossy.”

Women are weak, sensitive, and vulnerable. Your male coworker gently takes the five gallon water bottle from you to lift it up onto its pedestal then hands you the stack of notes he was carrying and asks you to go make him copies while he changes out the empty bottle for the full one.

Women are more intuitive than men and are naturally more organized. This assumption has you doing the heavy lifting of mediating conflicts, buying the boss’s birthday gift, and being the default note taker in the budget meeting because women are naturally better at those things.

I thought these stereotypes were trivial until my research revealed the attitude behind them. Those men aren’t thinking they’re helping you, they think you’re not capable. Not speaking up leaves your manager with the impression you’re not capable. Consequently, expectations of your job performance is low and you’re overlooked for career-advancing projects. BS seduces women to stay in stereotypical roles reinforcing inequality in both promotions and raises.

Struggles: Since men and women are born physically different, does that mean we should treat each other differently? Since women physically suffer once a month and make, carry, and give birth to children, aren’t we owed some car maintenance and bug killing? Where is the line between chivalry and BS? If we believe a woman isn’t capable of changing a tire, do we then believe she isn’t capable of running a company? If your boss asks you to plan the office holiday party instead of asking the guy in the cubicle next to you who has the same status in the company, has he revealed his assumptions about what men and women are good at? Will those assumptions influence his business decisions (he lets you plan a project, but not manage it) and performance reviews (he then penalizes you for not managing any projects)? Will your male coworker get a bigger raise than you because he has a family to support even though you both do the same job? If you decide to have a child, will the boss judge you as a bad mother for returning to work?

This is a cultural phenomenon that won’t be solved with a blog post. But we can recognize it, call it out, and talk about it. So, what can we do? Share your thoughts here:

Would You Rather? A: Face Scylla OR… B: Face Charybdis

I had a front row seat to the series of unpleasant decisions one has to make when caring for an aging and ailing parent. During the final years of my ninety-year-old grandmother’s life, she lived in her house. Both she and the house needed lots of care. She had a son, a daughter, and two adult granddaughters. She didn’t want to live with any of us, she didn’t want any of us to live with her, and she didn’t want to live in an assisted care facility. We worried constantly about her driving, her falling in her home, and her taking care of herself. My parents and uncle worked very hard for two years managing both their own households and hers. It was like a job: Grammy was the boss and the family was her team. What do you do when seemingly impossible demands are made of your team? What happens when you don’t like any of your choices? Here are three lessons I learned that may benefit you at work:

Communicate: During the last two years of Grammy’s life, she went to the hospital’s emergency department several times. These visits were unplanned and usually happened at inconvenient times. She had seven family members who could either take her or meet her there. These trips required communication and negotiation among the family. Who was on scene when the decision was made? Is this trip necessary? Are there other options? (Is her Primary Care Physician available? Is this really an Urgent Care visit?) It was like an emergency at work. Has this ever happened to you? You have a 5:30PM appointment across town and the boss hits you up at 4:55PM for a report he wants by 8:00AM tomorrow. What do you do? Cancel your plans because he needs help immediately? Remind him that poor planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours? Neither choice seems wise. This is the time to compose yourself, keep calm, and communicate. Start a dialogue enlisting your manager’s effort in the solution. It’s perfectly respectful to say, “I have an appointment, what are our options?”

Step away: We had a difficult time making plans during the last couple years of Grammy’s life because there was always a chance we’d have to cancel them. For example: We wanted to take Mom to see an exhibition of the Terracotta Army for her birthday, but we needed to buy tickets in advance. After much deliberation, we decided not to go because the odds of Grammy needing us were pretty high at the time. We ended up celebrating with brunch; a shorter event closer to home. Sound like a familiar work situation? For example: You need to take vacation or otherwise lose those days, but someone quit and your responsibilities increased. If you can’t manage to take a few days off in a row, at least take a long weekend to let your brain rest and reboot. Exercise, go to a movie, go to brunch, read a book, listen to music. Your brain can come up with creative solutions by associating unlikely connections. Give your brain more resources, experiences, and connections to access. You never know where inspiration will come from.

Be kind: Everyone wanted to do what was best for Grammy, but what was best for her was both subjective to and exclusive to everyone involved. It’s often like that at work too, right? Your manager’s priority may be whatever the corporate office dictates. Your coworker’s priority may be whatever keeps the customer off her back. Your priority may be whatever gets you to hit your KPIs (Key Performance Indicators). When all those priorities collide, Ask yourself: Which solution causes the least amount of damage? Which solution is the most kind to the most people involved? Filter your choices through your moral compass. Remember the situation is temporary and don’t allow emotion to cloud your judgement. Stress will exacerbate the situation, so take a time out to stop and think. Make a list of just the facts. Don’t color this list with feelings or judgements. Next, list all the possible options for resolving the situation no matter how outside the box. Then, look at the list and decide what solution does the most good for the most people. Even if you can’t make the situation a win for everyone, at least you can see who will be impacted the most and do the best you can for them.

What are some hard decisions you’ve made lately? Tell me about them here:

Vacation or Workation?

Recently, I spent four hours of a paid vacation day working from home. I simply couldn’t stop. It was so quiet I could think. As ideas came, I could act on them without interruption. I got as much done in four hours at home as I usually do in eight at the office. I felt like I should stop, but I had so much to do. There’s no end to follow up and clients who want my attention, so how do I know when to quit working and actually relax on my vacation days? A few weeks ago I told you why you should take a vacation. Now I’m going to tell you why it’s okay to work (a bit) during it. Normally, just the thought of working while on vacation makes me nauseous, but here are three reasons I get out the antacid and the laptop:

It Demonstrates Commitment: It’s not fair, but it’s true. Plenty of companies expect employees to at least check email if they are going to be away more than a day; and so, the workation was born. 40 percent of men and 30 percent of women plan to work on vacation this year. Other members of my team with similar responsibilities work while they’re on vacation. I’ll look bad if I don’t. For example: If a customer voicemails me on Monday, and I wait until the following Monday to return his call, I might lose him. Since I can’t risk losing a lead, I email my designated backup and ask her to follow up. Then, I make note of it for my next performance evaluation. What good is my commitment to the company if they don’t know about it?

Less Stress on Vacation and at Work: I met with my manager the day before I left for vacation and we set ground rules. What work was I willing to do on vacation? Check email/voicemail? Attend client sponsored events? Handle an emergency? What constitutes an emergency? We set some boundaries. We determined whom in the office should be my designated back up. I gave them both a list of my projects that need monitored and their status. I told them who might call looking for me. I set an out of office email message referring to my designate and included her contact information. I proposed a time of day when I’ll consistently check messages. Fifteen minutes first thing during my morning coffee is what is convenient for all of us. I’ll either answer the messages, flag them, or pass them along to my delegate. I promised not to sabotage myself by responding to messages outside of that set time. When I stay connected and know things are running smoothly, I don’t worry. When an emergency happens, I handle it and don’t worry. When my inbox isn’t overflowing upon my return, I don’t worry.

No Guilt: I have too many pressing deadlines to take time off, yet I risk burnout if I don’t take it. Does this sound like you? Paid vacation is one of my benefits. If I don’t take it, I’m sending a message to my company that they’re wasting money. Yet, I’m expected to check messages because I have a laptop and a smartphone. If I want to totally unplug, I vacation somewhere I can’t get an internet connection. If I stay at a hotel with a designated business center, I take advantage of it. I can get plenty done in a short amount of time with free wi-fi, a secure internet connection, and a printer. Then, I tune out and enjoy the rest of my day. Tuning out is actually work for me. I have to make a conscious decision to live in the moment and enjoy it. I have to decide to stop thinking about what might be going on at work and concentrate on relaxation. I don’t mind checking in because I don’t want an important task to fall through the cracks. I enjoy my time off more when I know things are okay back at the office. I have an innate FOMO, but as long as I’m working because I want to and not because I have to, my peace of mind is worth it. And it’s worth my T.E.A.M.

Do you take vacations or workations? Tell me about them here:

Pardon the Manterruption

Manterrupting – When a man unnecessarily interrupts a woman who is talking. Example: Last week during a meeting, I was making a point. One of the men at the table jumped in with his opinion. He seemed to think he was doing me a favor by adding to my narrative. I wasn’t finished making my point and he steered the conversation in a direction I didn’t intend to go. He made it all about him because he “needed to clarify for myself.”

Bropropriating – When a man takes credit for a woman’s idea. Example: Returning from lunch, I found one of the account managers on speaker with a contractor. We have an open floor plan in our small office and I heard every word of both sides of the phone conversation. The contractor had purchased television advertising. He was writing his own script and having trouble. In a former job I wrote television commercials, so the conversation piqued my interest. I asked a few questions, made a few suggestions, and eventually offered to write a script. His shoot was scheduled for the next day, so I had to email the script to him immediately. I did. I received no reply. Crickets. Three weeks later I’m sitting in my living room on Saturday morning watching the local news and what do I see? The contractor’s commercial that I wrote. Writing scripts is not a service we normally provide. I did it to be a team player. Not only did I not make any money from my intellectual property, but the contractor also didn’t even acknowledge my contribution.

Manterrupting and bropropriating are linked. One often leads to the other, particularly in meetings, and especially in meetings where men outnumber women. There is even an app you can use to to track manterruptions during conversations. I once worked for a church where bropropriating was intentional. I was the only female on a team of four. We met weekly to plan creative elements for future worship services. The man in charge referred to taking someone’s idea and running with it a “stepping stone”. Gee, that’s a nice term for bropropriating. As if it’s normal. As if it’s not just taking credit for another person’s creativity. Here’s how it worked: A topic was introduced and the first person they looked at to offer suggestions on how to present it was me. Ladies first, you know. How convenient that I was the only “lady” in the room. Then they’d proceed to tear down the idea and offer their “better” ideas. Then we’d circle back around to my idea that they decided they liked after all. They just didn’t like hearing it from me. I was outnumbered 3 to 1. Now I know why my ideas were seldom acknowledged as my own . There were no other females in those meetings to amplify me. This process made me not want to attend these meetings. What was the point of being creative if someone else got credit for my creativity?

To make things worse, women are in competition with each other. As if there isn’t room enough for all of us. Where did we get that idea? If you are the only female on staff and another female is hired, do you partner with her or undermine her? The system is hostile by nature, but this doesn’t have to be the case. We can influence our environment by promoting the fact that the team will get further together than we will on our own. If we’re in a meeting where men outnumber us, we need to speak with authority. None of this, “Well, I don’t know whether this will work or not, but…” We can use non-verbals and power poses like lowering our tone of voice, walking to the front of the room, pointing, and placing our hand on the table to imply command of the conversation. When another woman makes an intelligent point, we can amplify it by immediately speaking up and agreeing with her and giving her credit for coming up with the idea. We can look interested when she speaks, nod our heads in agreement, and lean forward in our chairs. If a man interrupts a woman, interrupt his interruption by saying, “Jim, I’d really like to hear the rest of what Susan has to say.” It feels like trying to turn the Titanic around, but the workforce needs everyone’s brains; not just the brains attached to the loudest mouths.

Please tell me your manterrupting and bropropriating stories here:

College Educated

My husband and I helped our daughter move back to campus to begin her Senior Year last week. It made me feel nostalgic, but not in the “our-little-girl-is-growing-up” way. More like the “have-I-been-a-good-mom?” way. Our daughter is in college, but I’m earning a degree in parenting an adult child. Here are five things I learned and how I intend to use that knowledge this school year:

Boundaries: I’m going to stop feeling bad for setting and holding boundaries. For example: last Spring Break she paid for her trip. Following her return, she ate peanut butter and jelly for a week because she misjudged her next pay day. Sure, I could’ve given her $50, but what would that teach her? She’d learn she can count on me to bail her out of financial jams. Setting boundaries with an adult child is tricky. She still kinda lives with my husband (her father) and me. We have precious little recourse if she breaks our rules. If we ask her to tidy her room and she doesn’t, what are we going to do about it? Not help her pay tuition? If she perceives the house and everything in it as hers, then of course she’s offended when we bristle at her plan to invite a dozen of her friends over to cook a spaghetti dinner together. At midnight. On a Wednesday. I’ll stop making home comfy for her so she can look forward to moving out permanently and making a home of her own.

Communication: If she doesn’t ask me a question, I won’t voice my opinion. Communication is mostly listening. However, I need to limit how long I listen to her vent about a problem before suggesting she turn her thoughts toward a solution, and I must resist the urge to fix it for her. It’s hard to break that habit, but if I get hit by a beer truck this afternoon, she’s going to have to resolve it herself anyway. I need to train her to solve her own problems while she still has her parents to fall back on. Our birdie needs to know we think she can fly. Humans want immediate relief from crisis, but not every hard thing in life is a crisis.

Expectations: I’ll stop being offended when she chooses to spend time with her friends instead of me. She is finding her tribe and figuring out how to live in community. This is my opportunity to do the same. College is a natural time for her to pull away. I can make this transition easier for both of us by not wondering if she’s coming home for the weekend and making my own plans instead. Also, I’ll stop romanticizing my kid. It shouldn’t surprise me when she comes home to eat hot wings, pet the dog, and put items on the grocery list, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I need to see her for who she is and not whom I want her to be.

Sow, Reap: I will let her reap what she sows; both good and bad. When my daughter says she needs something, my first instinct is to find a way to give it to her. I’ll stop, think, and maybe ask a couple of questions before just handing over my retirement money. Actions have consequences. Adulting is one step up and two steps back. Letting her reap what she sowed is hard. But as difficult as it is to stand by and watch my child suffer the consequences of a poor decision, I have to remember that humans learn more from painful lessons than we learn from pain-free ones.

Lean On My Partner: I will step back and let my partner parent. Recently, something was obviously bothering our daughter and she refused to talk about it. Twenty-four hours later, she still didn’t want to tell us about it. She went to her room and after a couple of hours, I was worried. I started to check on her when my brilliant husband had a better idea: Bacon. Soon the irresistible smell of bacon frying on the stove drew her downstairs. She stated she didn’t want to talk about the situation because it made her sad. So I pulled an Elsa and let it go. Can I solve her problem? No. Is it her problem and not mine? Yes. Does the cold bother me anyway? Never. My husband has a different perspective on most every situation concerning our daughter. I’m soft on her for some things and he’s soft on her for others. Luckily, we’re rarely soft on her for the same things. Occasionally, I have to let him take the lead and support his management of the situation. Doing so is easier when it involves bacon.

How do you parent your adult child? Please share your story here:

I Am So NOT Ready For This

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Now is as good a time as any.” — Hugh Laurie

I work for an energy efficiency implementer. At the end of 2017, my office managed three rebate programs. On January 1, 2018, we launched an additional program. On June 1, 2018, we launched another additional program. For those of you keeping score, that’s five programs to manage. Launching a new program is hard work. Launching two new programs five months apart is like surfing a tsunami. One Friday, I went to a meeting with another team member, my manager, and my manager’s boss to discuss how to improve our processes. When I arrived, the other team member was missing. Turns out she stepped down. So now I assumed the agenda was to figure out how to divide her tasks until we replaced her. Wrong. When I sat down at the conference room table, my manager’s boss offered me a position she’d just created on our team. WAIT…WHAT? The offer was very attractive: responsibilities more in my wheelhouse than my current ones, growth opportunities, etc. My head spun. She told me to take the weekend to think about it. My only thought was, “Is it wise to refuse a job your manager’s boss offered?” Later, I privately asked my manager what she thought my biggest obstacle would be in this position. She said, “Fear.”

Define It: Fear. Such a little word. Such a big emotion. Don’t you just hate feeling like something has taken control of your life away from you? What is fear, really? Isn’t it just risk and uncertainty? If you define the risk and minimize the uncertainty, can’t you, with practice, overcome the fear? Exposing my fear would make me vulnerable, but not exposing it would keep me from taking this promotion. So I took the weekend to think about what I would have to do for this job and why it was scary. I came up with two major fears: rejection and driving. Then I thought about what I would have to do to take fear’s power away.

Deal With It: Anticipation is a double-edged sword. On the one blade, you have fear. On the other you have excitement. The trick is to reinterpret the fear into excitement. In this position I’d have to convince people to participate in the programs. I’d have to communicate in writing, on the phone, and face to face. I’d have to talk to skeptical property managers and small business owners. Rejection was a given. So how do I minimize it? These are great programs. There’s no downside. There’s no catch. And THAT is kinda the problem. How do I convince people that it’s not too good to be true? I’ll be warm, fuzzy, honest, and available to answer questions. I know there will be some people I just won’t be able to convince no matter how hard I try. But, they’re just going to turn me down. They’re not going to kill me. I’ll have to get over it and move on. Maybe I’ll circle back around to them next year with testimonials from the smart people who participated in the program. As for the driving, I’d recently felt that particular fear was negatively impacting my life and I should do something about it. While lunching with a friend, a month or so prior, our conversation had wandered into the deep end and I confessed my fear of driving. Guess what? She has the exact same fear. We then made a pact to face it together. We’d already spent some time thinking about how to achieve that so when this promotion came along, our timetable sped up. We’d already started taking turns driving to places we’ve never been, and now with every excursion, I feel our confidence increasing and our anxiety decreasing.

Delete It: I keep telling myself, “Don’t think just do it.” Just do the job. Just start the car. There is a fine line between preparation and procrastination. I’m a planner. I love to “get ready” for things: work, vacation, writing. But getting ready to do something isn’t the same as actually doing it. In fact, getting ready can prevent me from taking action. Eventually, there’s nothing to it, but to do it. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist. I want to cross every t and dot every i before beginning a project. But I realize life doesn’t work that way and it takes a lot of time. Time I could be building momentum. If I can just build enough momentum, I can keep moving forward. After all, an object in motion tends to stay in motion, right Newton?

Am I still scared? Yes. I don’t feel equipped, but I believe experience will equip me. Successful people start before they feel ready. Richard Branson is a great example. Google him. My fears still haunt, but they are contained. I don’t face them alone, and I didn’t let them stop me from accepting the promotion. Thanks for reading my story! Now tell me yours here:

Vulnerable to Extinction

When I ask young women what they want to do with their lives, I’m surprised at the number of whom say Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). Their answer saddens me because it’s such a tough row to hoe here in America. I think they are brave to admit this desire given the current state of the women’s movement. Speaking as someone who is reaping the consequences of choosing child-rearing over career, I have some news for SAHM wannabes:

Not News: Whether or not SAHM is a profession is highly controversial. Since women in America do not receive a paycheck to be SAHMs, for the sake of this conversation, I refer to it as a job. I think we can all agree that it takes skill to run a home: Time management, organization, budget balancing, crisis management, cruise director, chauffeur, nurse, maid, teacher, coach, cook, housekeeper, etc.

Also Not News: Plenty of women have to do all of the above while simultaneously working a full time job. A friend who is a wife and mother of a preschooler was excited to accept a position that pays $12.13 an hour to start. I’m smiling and congratulating while in my head calculating how far that money will go. When did food, clothing, and shelter get so expensive? Her situation is common. Are you married and need daycare so you can work because you can’t pay your bills with one income? In 2016, Americans paid an average of $196 a week to put one child in daycare, and the price just keeps going up. Of the parents surveyed, two-fifths said costs rose $1000 per year.

Actual News: Many women consider raising children a full time job, but America’s legal system doesn’t. Is it even possible to be a SAHM anymore? If you are going to be successful, here are three things you should consider:

Partner: You will need someone who is willing to support you and your children financially at least for a while. Be prepared to give up luxuries like eating out, expensive vacations, and designer clothes, for years. Work to maintain good communication. Regularly check in and ask how he’s doing and tell him how you’re doing. Go on dates so the two of you have bonding experiences that don’t include the kids. Acknowledge this is hard for both of you, and be assertive in expecting help with managing both the chores (cooking/cleaning/yard work, etc.) and the child care. It’s not “babysitting” when it’s your own kid. It’s parenting.

Gig: Can you work at home to maintain some sort of professional connection? Because while you may be a SAHM for around 20 years, eventually, you’ll retire and a 20 year hiatus from the work force is damaging to your marketability. Start now to prepare for life after your nest empties. What about starting a business? What about working part time? What about volunteering?

Network: Stay in touch with other moms and former colleagues. With all the social media platforms available, you have no excuse to let relationships go, but also make the effort to connect face to face. Meet for coffee, lunch, a walk, a book club: any activity that comes naturally so that you have adult relationships to cultivate for the future day when you have the bandwidth to pursue your life’s next chapter.

Do you have any advice for potential SAHMs? Share it here:

I Have Diabetes. It Doesn’t Have Me

I’m a (mostly) under-the-radar diabetic. I don’t show any outward signs attributable to the condition. For example: I don’t have to wear a medical alert bracelet and I still have both of my feet. The most common way I’m outed is when someone asks me what the secret to my weight loss is and I choose to tell the truth. Why do I hide it? Because I feel like diabetics are negatively perceived. As if we suffer from this disorder solely due to poor life style choices. Since I keep receiving requests to comment on it, here goes:

How I Got It: I had gestational diabetes (diabetes brought on by pregnancy) so I got a heads up Type 2 diabetes was a strong possibility for my future. After I gave birth, the doctor told me weight was a major factor in the onset of Type 2 and to watch it. So I did. Religiously. I rarely ate a French Fry or a doughnut. For. 20. YEARS. So you can imagine how angry I was to discover after a routine physical that my A1C (the test that measures three months worth of glucose in your blood) came back so high that I was labeled a diabetic and shoved into the matrix. I was prescribed a medicine and told to come back in three months for another test so I could start taking an additional medicine to protect my kidneys from the medicine I was just prescribed. I was handed a glucose monitor and testing supplies, told to stab myself before every meal, and to make an appointment with their diabetic specialist. My head spun. I went to the diabetic specialist and she was a God send. She was the voice of reason. She asked about my habits and lifestyle, then told me the factors that cause diabetes: genetics, weight, stress, and age. She determined my problems were genetics and age. She gave me a simple, but difficult, plan: Severely limit my carbohydrate intake.

How I Manage It: I am regimented. I have a minimum daily water intake requirement. I have a maximum carbohydrate allowance per meal and per snack. I have to watch the clock to make sure I don’t consume too many carbohydrates too close together. I have to measure and check serving sizes. I have to do math. I have to exercise every day. I have to test my blood glucose level on schedule. I have to see a doctor, diabetic specialist, optometrist, and podiatrist annually. I have to treat sugar like poison and carbohydrates like the enemy. I have to take food and water with me everywhere. I have to be extremely self-disciplined. I have to do a lot of meal prep. My diabetic specialist looked at my latest numbers and said, “What do you do, cook?! All the successful ones do.” “I have to,” I said. “Eating out is like negotiating a mine field.” I have to manage my emotions. I actually close my eyes during pizza commercials on TV. I have to resist lashing out at non-diabetics for not understanding how hard it is not to eat foods you love. Unfortunately, I do not always succeed.

How It Has Changed Me: Well, I’m 16 pounds lighter, my belly is always empty, my bladder is always full, and I’m hyper aware of the stigma of diabetes. Have you seen the TV commercials for diabetes drugs? Why are diabetics portrayed as overweight? According to the Center for Disease Control, In 2017, more than 100 million American adults are living with diabetes or prediabetes. So why aren’t there any diabetic friendly restaurants? I’m also a bit short tempered with those who don’t understand the condition and ask questions like: Why can’t you be spontaneous? Why do you have to carry all that stuff? Do you have to take a break right now? I never realized how awkward it is to not eat anything at parties until I couldn’t eat anything at parties. I smile and say no thank you a lot. I often offer to throw away a paper plate with a few crumbs on it that someone is finished with and move slowly to the trash can to make it look like I’m social. Sometimes denial hits: My numbers are so good and so consistent, I wonder if I really have diabetes. Maybe I can eat my hamburger on a bun this time. Then when I do, my number shoots sky high and reality hits. Hard. The bottom line is I’m very fortunate. My diabetic specialist’s plan has worked for two years now and she thinks if I keep working her plan, I can manage my condition without medicine in perpetuity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room. AGAIN.

If you are a Type 2 diabetic and have advice for me, particularly regarding diabetic friendly restaurants and/or low carbohydrate recipes, please comment here: