Community – Page 5 – mardihumphreys.com

Who Are You Calling Old?

More frequently I hear, “You look great for your age,” as opposed to, “You look great.” Sometimes I shop in the junior department to get the right size and I get “the look” from the other shoppers. You know, the look that says, “You’re too old to wear this style.” Men and younger women offer to carry heavy things for me. I lift weights four days a week. I can carry three 12 packs of Caffeine Free Diet Coke, people! When I just wear mascara, I look fine in the mirror, but Snapchat tells a very different story. In getting to know a new coworker, she asked if I had any children. I replied, “Our daughter is a senior in college.” She said, “You still have a child in school?!” Nice. Merriam-Webster defines ageism as “prejudice or discrimination against a particular age-group and especially the elderly.” Did you know there is a longevity revolution? It’s discussed mostly in terms of economy and health care, but I feel like it means, “Hey, we’re all living longer, so stop treating me like I’m irrelevant.” That’s the fear, right? Being irrelevant? Your needs are unmet because you get marginalized? As usual, I have more questions than answers:

Why Is Ageism a Thing? Everyone is getting older by the second. Isn’t it counterproductive to assume someone can’t contribute to society because they’ve reached a certain age? This has been going on a long time, like at least since 1967. Ever heard of “Logan’s Run?” The perception is old people consume resources without contributing to their replenishment. At what age do you think that happens? It depends on how old you are. (Isn’t it ironic?) People 18-29 years old think 60 is old. Middle aged people consider 70 old. People aged 65+ years think 74 is old. We’re afraid we won’t be able to get what we want when we want it. We resent a percentage of our paychecks going to Social Security to support retired people whom we imagine use the money to take a month long trip to the Grand Canyon.

Can You Fight It? You want to work and advance in your career, but your appearance and your resume expose you as a woman over 40 years old. Not only are you fighting a glass ceiling, but now you also have to negotiate a glass floor of hiring managers younger than you who assume you’re neither tech savvy nor value your industry experience. What do you do? Update your resume. It should be one page long. Get an appropriate Gmail address (your.name@gmail.com) and include it in the contact section of your resume. Use a font that is modern and easy to read like Calibri or Garamond. In interviews, if you’re asked a sneaky question, like, “How long do you plan to keep working?” Emphasize how much you enjoy it. Mention things you do that reveal you’re always learning: reading the blogs of famous business thought leaders, using a trendy app, a TED Talk you posted on your social media.

Can You Win? It’s an endless uphill climb. You have to stay engaged, grow thick skin, and develop a sassy attitude. Oprah Winfrey said, “We live in a youth-obsessed culture that is constantly trying to tell us that if we are not young, and we’re not glowing, and we’re not ‘hot,’ that we don’t matter….I refuse to let a system or a culture or a distorted view of reality tell me that I don’t matter.”

What Does Winning Look Like? Getting paid for a job based on your skill, abilities, and experience, and not getting turned away because of how long you’ve been in the workforce. Here’s what winning looks like in the volatile and youth obsessed music industry: The rock band U2 have been together 42 years. Not only do they stay relevant by working with artists like 2018 Pulitzer Prize for Music winner Kendrick Lamar, but they also make money. U2’s 360º stadium tour in Jun 30, 2009 – Jul 30, 2011, made $736,421,584. It is currently the highest-grossing concert tour of all time. These guys are 56 (Edge, Larry Mullen, Jr.) and 58 (Bono, Adam Clayton) years old.

I could spend hours talking about ageism, but we are getting older by the second. If you want to continue this conversation, please use this form to send me a question or comment:

Relax Like You Mean It

My husband and I recently returned from a vacation in the Great Smoky Mountains, Gatlinburg, TN. We couldn’t remember the last time we took a week off to travel alone together. Oh, we’ve staycationed and taken time off work to do home improvement projects, but for years our vacation time and budget was devoted to club volleyball tournaments. Since we didn’t intentionally prioritize getting away together, it’s been years since we’ve done it. Does this sound familiar? It should. According to Project:Time Off, 52% of American workers did not use all their paid vacation in 2017. Don’t you be one of them! Here is why you should take a vacation:

Vacation Increases Your Creativity: Travel forces you to be emotionally agile. Problems will happen. You will have to think instead of react, look at your options for solving the problem, and decide on a course of action. For example: A few years ago while in Las Vegas, my husband and I went to see Danny Gans, a comedian famous for never missing a show. Guess what? For the first time ever, he was too sick to perform. Now what do we do? We took to the Strip where we were treated to plenty of free entertainment: dancing fountains, sinking pirate ships, and people watching. When you travel to a location you have never been, eating what other people eat, listening to their music, seeing their art, it rewires your brain to think about problem solving differently.

Vacation Enriches Your Relationships: If you can travel with someone you like, you get to see them at their best and worst. It’s an adventure, but it’s also practical. The trip is cheaper because you split the cost of gas and hotel. You don’t pack as much because you share stuff: You pack the toothpaste, she packs the straight iron. You can encourage each other out of your comfort zones. Help each other try something new. Obviously there is safety in numbers, but you can also help each other stick to your budgets or remind each other you saved for this trip so splurge on that once-in-a-lifetime souvenir. You’ll both probably be interested in the same activities and want to move at the same pace. Traveling brings perspective to your relationship. Making memories together uniquely bonds you.

Vacation Makes You Better At Your Job: Do you avoid taking a vacation because you’re afraid of what will happen while you’re are away: projects with short deadlines piling up on your desk, coworkers resentment over covering for you, the team realizing they don’t need you? Is paid time off one of your job benefits? If you don’t take it, and it doesn’t roll over at the end of the year, it’s just gone. That means you’re working those hours for free. Do not underestimate the power of leisure. On vacation you’re not sitting at your desk stress eating while worrying about tomorrow’s client meeting. On vacation, you focus on slowing down and having fun. This leads to better sleep and maybe even weight loss. The study I site in my first paragraph says frequent travelers are 18% more likely to report getting a promotion in the last two years. Besides, how can your manager miss you if you won’t go away?

Vacation Gives You Something To Look Forward To: Oprah Winfrey said in her magazine, “I always give myself Sundays as a spiritual base of renewal —a day when I do absolutely nothing. I sit in my jammies or take a walk, and I allow myself time to BE —capital B-E— with myself. When I don’t, I absolutely become stressed, irritable, anxiety-prone, and not the person I want to be in the world.” Relaxation doesn’t just come. You have to plan for it. Take time off even if you don’t go anywhere. If paid time off is not one of your job benefits, and you can’t afford to take a whole week off or travel, put $10 aside every week until you’ve saved up a day or two’s pay and take that time off. You can use that time to: Learn a new skill to put on your resume, work on a side gig or personal project, get out of your comfort zone with a new experience, take a walk and contemplate your next five years, or start a new healthy habit.

Vacation Gets Better With Practice: If you have paid time off and this is new for you, start small: Take a staycation. Encourage your partner/family to participate. Then do what they plan and don’t complain. Resist trying to control everything and express gratitude, especially for the effort. During this staycation talk about bigger plans and brainstorm for your next longer trip. Then, look forward to it: Calendar it, start a budget, make a packing list, research the area, make sure you have the necessary clothes, car food, and books for it. Learn a bit of a new language if necessary. Start giving yourself affirmations now: Expect surprises both good and bad, plan to enjoy and make the most of good ones, and roll with the bad ones. You can spin them into stories to tell your friends. Prepare to document the vacation: To take lots of pictures, do stuff you’ve never done before, eat foods you’ve never eaten. Promise to collect or buy souvenirs and live in the moment: No work emails! It’s not too late to request time off for this year. Get out there and relax like you mean it!

Tell me about your vacation here:

The American Dream?

I was surprised (and mildly amused) by the pushback my husband and I received for selling our house and renting an apartment. We’d been kicking around the idea of downsizing since our daughter’s high school graduation party. Two years later houses in our neighborhood were in high demand and our conversations grew more urgent. One minute it was, “Let’s just call our realtor and chat,” and the next thing we knew she put a For Sale sign in the front yard. “That escalated quickly,” we thought. The house sold sixty hours after it was listed.

Since I’d been planning this escape for two years, I was ready to go, but my husband and daughter were a little nervous about the situation we now faced: We had a month to vacate and find somewhere else to live. Our daughter was a college student who kinda lived at home and kinda didn’t, so did she need a room with us? It was a sellers’ market. We wanted the next property we purchased to be the last property we purchased. Given these parameters, we decided buying another house at that time was not the wise choice. We found a very nice apartment home community with a very nice, very affordable unit for rent. It had the same number of bedrooms and bathrooms our house had. The only spaces we gave up were a basement and half a garage.

The funny looks began shortly after move in along with the questions: “Why did you sell your house?” “Why didn’t you buy another one?” “Do you need money?” The general perception was we could not afford our mortgage and had to sell. For example: People knew our daughter attended a private college. What they didn’t know is how many scholarships, grants, and awards she’d earned. People knew that in addition to my full-time job, I had a side gig at a local HomeGoods. What they didn’t know was why I did it: I wanted to stay busy. If I was busy, I didn’t have time to worry about what the aforementioned college student was doing.

Selling the house made us renegades. Like we spat in the face of the American Dream of home ownership. But is the dream turning into a nightmare? Take a mortgage for example: If you don’t put 20% down on a house, you have to pay private mortgage insurance (PMI). According to Zillow, the median price of a house in Dayton, Ohio (where we live), was $54,000. So you needed to put $10,980 down to avoid paying PMI. Okay, but did you want to live in a $54,000 home in Dayton Ohio? Mortgages can last 15, 30, or even 40 years. How old will you be in 40 years? If you paid a mortgage that long, you might as well pay rent and get the added benefits of living in an apartment community instead. I thought there were major tax benefits for home ownership, but after some quick Googling, I discovered the federal government giveth and the local government taketh away. Most people assume it’s more expensive to rent than to own. My husband crunched the numbers after three months of apartment living and found it indeed was more expensive. It cost us $3.07 more a month. Worth. It.

Honestly, we were not happy homeowners. We’d become “those” people – “Get off my lawn!” The number of houses for rent in our neighborhood increased. The public school system put a bus stop in front of our house. Major home repairs loomed. We got out while we could and have no regrets. Recently, when friends told me they spent their last two weekends on home improvement projects then asked me what I did, I responded, “Read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban again.” There is no grass mowing, no snow shoveling, no taking time off work to wait for a plumber. There are no HVAC, roof, or driveway replacement costs. I send an email and like a fairy godmother, maintenance comes while I’m at work and fixes stuff. No more gym or pool membership fees.

How long will we rent? We don’t know. We will make that decision when the market turns back around in favor of the buyer. We may never own property again. Do you think owning a house is still the American dream? Do you think it’s a good investment? Have you downsized? If so, are you glad you did? Tell me about it here:

Busting Office Bullies

Did you get bullied in school? What is called bullying now used to be called, “Boys will be boys,” when I was in elementary. Or “He only throws snowballs at your head because he likes you.” Most of those snowball throwers have grown up and gotten jobs. Maybe one works in your office and instead of throwing snowballs, he’s throwing shade. Or maybe he’s putting tasks on your list that he doesn’t want to do. If you need to stand up to an office bully, here are some things you can do:

Be Assertive: Treat him the way you want to be treated. Show him how to behave by behaving yourself. Be kind. Don’t give him dirty looks or insult him or point out his flaws even if he does those things to you. If he escalates, tell him his behavior is not office appropriate. If he uses the old, “Can’t you take a joke?” line, feel free to hit back with, “Sure. When are you going to tell one?” The longer you let a bully go unchecked, the quicker he assumes you are an acceptable target.

Establish Boundaries and Hold Them: Ignore him, let it go, act like he’s not talking to you, then pick your battles and stand your ground. Realize that you will have to fight at least once, so chose carefully. Once a bully knows you will get back up after he knocks you down, knocking you down becomes work and let’s face it, if he had enough work to do, he wouldn’t have time to bully you. For example: Did he ask you to make a cold call for him? Did you turn it into a sale? Do you give it back to him or can you keep it? Is this a decision your Sales Manager can make? Once you start negatively impacting his paycheck, he’ll think twice about whether pushing you around is worth it.

Those Who Can Do. Those Who Can’t Gossip: This isn’t high school, although being bullied might feel like it. When you’ve had enough, confront him. Don’t talk about him behind his back. Don’t be an office gossip and don’t get a reputation for being one. Handle your business. Adulting is hard. If you are afraid of how he’ll react to a confrontation, (a gentle conversation mind you, not a yelling match or an accusation) well, you don’t like how he treats you when you don’t confront him so you’ve really got nothing to lose now do you?

He’s Not Always Wrong: He was hired for a reason and he hasn’t been fired. Yet. So he must be good at something even if it’s just brown-nosing the boss. Don’t habitually discount his ideas and contributions to the company. A manager will overlook a lot if the employee is a rainmaker. You don’t have to like him, you just have to work with him. Getting along may mean leaving each other alone as much as possible. When he has a request think about how you’d feel about doing it for someone else. If a colleague you respected asked you to do it, would it be a problem? If not, do it. If so, throw it back at him with an pseudo apology, “Sorry. Project X is taking all my attention. I’m sure you’ll find time to send those emails.”

I used male pronouns in all my examples above, but I realize female bullies have jobs too. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle work bullies? Tell me about it here:

It Ain’t Rocket Surgery

Back in 2011, my husband, daughter, and I moved from Georgia back to our native Ohio because my husband received a job offer. When the time came for my husband to start his new job, our house in Georgia was still on the market. We could not afford two mortgages, so my grandmother graciously allowed us to bunk with her for a bit. One night a line of thunder storms came through. My husband’s car was parked in front of Grammy’s house under three dying trees. Grammy made us all go to the basement to wait out the storm. It’s a finished basement. It’s very nice. In fact, it’s where my husband and I stayed. Well, one of those three trees lost a huge limb which fell on my husband’s car. It smashed the windshield, then decided to roll over the top of the car and bust the rear window too. It was like the tree broke both windows on purpose! After a a day of calling our insurance company and Grammy’s insurance company and cleaning up the mess, we finally settled on the car-glass-replacement-company-that-comes-to-you to fix his car. My husband is very hands on so when the tech arrived, he went to greet him and kinda hover while he did his job. My husband was impressed with this tech’s skill, speed, and efficiency and he told him so. “It must’ve taken you a long time to learn how to do this,” said my husband. “It ain’t rocket surgery,” replied the tech. Now whether he meant “It ain’t rocket science,” or “It ain’t brain surgery,” or whether he meant exactly what he said, we’ll never know because to keep from cracking up my husband stopped asking questions. After the tech left, he couldn’t wait to tell my daughter and me the story. It was a bright spot in a stressful time in our lives, and to this day when one of us is making a mountain out of a molehill we say to that person, “It ain’t rocket surgery.” I believe God allows situations in our lives so we will share them with others and form community. I’m here not just to tell you my stories, but also to read about yours. So please leave a comment or shoot me an email describing a time in your life when you made a situation harder than it had to be. We’re on life’s journey together and most of the time, it ain’t rocket surgery.