We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.
Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”
No pressure.
My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.
My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.
Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.
I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M. effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here: