Stress – Page 3 – mardihumphreys.com

Balancing Act

During a conference I attended last week, we did a networking exercise similar to the Reciprocity Ring Adam Grant uses in his classes at Wharton. Most of us requested referrals, but one woman asked for tips on work-life balance. I admired her courage. We usually act like we either have it all together or wear burnout like a badge of honor. I promised to do some research. Here’s what I found.

Contributing Factors to Work-life Imbalance:

1. Household Chores

Women do more household chores than men no matter what their age, income level, workforce responsibilities, or if there are children to parent. If you’re tired of carrying the bulk of the homework, talk to your partner about traditional gender roles and work out a fair division of labor.

2. Working Remotely

If you don’t have to be on-site to do your job, working from home allows flexibility but also usually means working longer and odd hours and sets the expectation from your boss that it’s acceptable. American wages are about the same today as they were 40 years ago. Technology has produced knowledge workers, but businesses have yet to figure out how to measure their productivity. We’re still measuring it by hours on time sheets and presence in the office. So if you work remotely, you feel you have to be connected 24/7 to demonstrate productivity.

3. Your Mate’s Schedule

Women partnered to men who work long hours (50 or more per week) have significantly higher perceived stress and significantly lower work-life balance than women partnered to men who work a normal full-time week (35–49 hours).

Possible Solutions:

1. Flip the Script

Stop thinking of work as negative and home as positive. There’s nothing wrong with loving your job. It’s just that too much of a good thing still causes burnout. Alternate work schedules are becoming more common. Can you choose a schedule that allows you to balance home and work? You have to set and protect boundaries, but you would control them.

2. Embrace the Imbalance

Using time-saving hacks aren’t working any more. Imbalance is a challenge for a household where both people have jobs and no one has the exclusive responsibility to manage the home. Give each other some grace. Communicate when you have an impending work deadline signaling that your chores at home will have to wait. On the other hand, let your colleague know you will answer his email after you get home from your daughter’s basketball game.

3. Leadership

If the organization’s leaders don’t practice work-life balance, e.g., emailing at 9:00PM, calling into meetings from vacation, etc., then employees will follow suit because it shows dedication and may lead to promotion. Managers should model the behavior the company wants cultivated. Supervisors should take a lunch hour, go on vacation, and leave the office for the day at a reasonable hour. Then they should talk openly about doing all those things with their teams and encourage them to do the same.

How do you balance work with your personal life? Please share your story in the comments section below.

The Never-ending Workday

I love to work. I love relieving companies of the pain their current processes cause them. When I see a business operation that could be automated, I just want to get my hands on the workflow and clean it up. Consequently, I see room for improvement everywhere. It’s tough to turn that section of my brain off, but I need to recharge those creative thinking batteries. With devices and software that allow constant communication with coworkers, shorter and shorter deadlines, and the ability to work remotely, how do I know when to put my foot (and my laptop) down and pay attention to my personal life?

Boundaries – It’s not enough to set them; I have to protect them. For example, I try not to work weekends. Typically, my weekend starts at 4:00PM on Friday, so around 3:00PM, I start prepping for Monday. Do I have all the data I’ll need for Monday’s meetings? Do I have calls/emails to return before Monday? What follow up needs done first thing next week? But when a project comes up at 2:45PM and it’s due by noon on Monday, I have to bend my boundary. When working over the weekend, I set the timer on my phone and force myself to take breaks. If I need to communicate with a coworker, it’s email or phone calls scheduled around existing weekend plans. I also have to be patient with delayed communication because it’s the weekend for whomever I need to communicate with too.

Exercise – Elle Woods was right about endorphins. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I close my eyes and box breathe. Forcing my body to calm down eases my mind. We often treat exercise like it’s optional, but it needs to be habitual much like brushing our teeth. I walk on our treadmill every day, lift weights five times a week, and take weekly walks with my husband. These activities not only reduce my stress, but build up my immune system. I don’t let work interfere with these activities because doing something good for my body makes my brain more productive.

Get ruthless – When life feels out of control, I need to analyze why. Do I have toxic people in my life? Is social media wasting my time? Is binge watching Stranger Things interfering with my sleep? Are there tasks I can delegate? Then I have to make difficult decisions based on the answers. For example, after weekly staff meetings, a coworker wants to update me on office gossip. I can decide to politely excuse myself.

Needing to balance work and life implies that one (usually work) is bad and the other (usually life) is good. I believe the trick is to play to my strengths in both because when I do that, I love whatever I’m doing.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions on balancing work and life?

Like Jogging in Three Feet of Water

Being busy is like jogging in three feet of water. We’re working hard, but not getting anywhere. When interpreted, busy usually means we just don’t:

Prioritize
Have the guts to say no
Want to do what needs done
Plan ahead
Want others to not like us if we say no

I’m guilty of all these things. Here’s what I learned.

Prioritize – I make a to-do list then don’t stop to think if the way I’m doing it is the best way to do it. Confused? Me too. (You’re imagining a caged hamster running on a wheel right now, aren’t you?) I prioritize tasks at the beginning of a work project. I seldom revise my list. Who has time to stop momentum for reflection? But reevaluating to-do lists weekly makes time to accommodate unexpected challenges that inevitably arise. This allows me to inject margin into my schedule, which is a big stress reliever.

Be brave – When I stop, observe, question, and listen, I have a better chance of putting all the pieces of the why-I’m-so-busy puzzle together. Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t like the picture the puzzle makes. At that point, I have to ask myself hard questions and answer them honestly: Why is this project so difficult? What can I do differently to achieve the results I want? Is it a big change? Do I need help? Courage to admit I don’t have all the answers can mobilize the team to push the project closer to completion.

Don’t be lazy – Google says the definition of busy is: “having a great deal to do or keep occupied” implying what we’re doing is important. What am I occupying my time with? Chatting with coworkers in the break room? I should be honest when I need a break, but I shouldn’t call it busyness and use it as an excuse to not return email.

Templates are my friends – Sometimes I can’t achieve my goal through sheer force of will. E.g., I can’t force people to buy my company’s service. What I can do is figure out the best plan to connect with potential partners by asking: How can I identify decision makers? How can I make them comfortable enough to tell me what their operational challenges are? How does what we offer relieve the pain points of their business? These questions are a universal roadmap I can follow to help any business.

Other people’s opinions – I once had a demanding coworker with a perpetual list of busy work she expected me to handle for her. Not all of her requests were out of line, but the way she requested them often was. I wanted her to like me, but not if it meant doing parts of her job for her. If it was a task she could do herself, I encouraged and empowered her to do it. (E.g.,“Oh, you need to send a package? Remember to fill out an expense report. You can get reimbursed for both shipping and mileage!”)

Saying I’m busy no longer makes me sound important, it makes me sound like I can’t handle my life.

Under what circumstances do you feel compelled to fall back on the “I’m busy” excuse? Please share in the comments section.

Boxed In

When anyone asks me how old I am, I reply, “I stopped keeping track at 30.” It feels a bit defensive, but once I’m labeled as of a certain age I’m immediately put in a certain box. I’m hyper-conscious I have two strikes against me in the American workforce: I’m a woman over 35 years old. It’s harder for my tribe to get potential employers’ attention with every passing day. Some of the children who were taught to help old ladies across the street and carry old men’s groceries to their cars have grown into adult hiring managers who label anyone with a touch of grey hair as weak, forgetful, and when they’re your employees, expensive. Three examples come to mind:

1) People are considered elderly at 65 years old, but the full retirement age in America is 67. Rumor has it the retirement age will be raised to 70 pretty soon, so there are plenty of people who need to work for at least three more years and be carried on their employers’ insurance policies. These employees typically use more insurance benefits than their younger coworkers, raising the cost of premiums for all employees. But there are loads of healthy older employees positively contributing to their organization’s bottom line thanks to adopting healthy lifestyles, preventative medicine, and a mindset of perpetual learning; especially about emerging technology. We should be judged on our contributions and considered for the same opportunities as anyone else.

2) The general assumption is older workers require a higher wage. This seems to be especially apparent in the tech sector. Dan Lyons recounts his experience of getting laid off in his book, Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Startup Bubble. He was informed the company could use his salary to hire five kids out of college. But if the company is full of recent graduates, who has the experience and wisdom to guide the team? Where are the mentors? The Subject Matter Experts? These are the people who, when crisis hits, fall back on their training to carry the team and save projects. With the growing interest in encore careers, workers in their 40’s and 50’s are making more lateral moves in terms of salary. We consider benefits like flex-time, working remotely, paid time off to volunteer, and employer paid higher education, at least as important as wages when negotiating a compensation package.

3) Ageism affects everyone. We assume we’re talking about older workers, but remember when you were considered too young to do something? Like rent a car at 22 years old? If we have to be 25-35 years old to be employable in America, we’re headed for an economic crisis. Ageism comes from inside an organization. It’s systematic and terrifying.

We’ll all be in boxes eventually. Cemeteries are full of them. Can we please be judged on our accomplishments and character instead of our statistical potential to drain the company’s resources? How do we combat ageism in our companies without getting fired? I’d love to see your opinions in the comments section.

You’re Pushing Too Hard

As I was being electronically fingerprinted the other day, (Relax. Plenty of respectable people get fingerprinted for plenty of respectable reasons. :)) I couldn’t make my fingers print. The technician finally took my hand and scanned them herself. “Why can’t I make this work?” I wondered. She said, “You’re pushing too hard.” Story of my life. I’m impatient. I ask God to give me patience, but what He gives me is opportunities to practice it. This must mean patience is a skill we can learn. Here are four ways I’m trying at work:

Flexibility – When my schedule gets out of whack, I stress. My schedule gets whacked a lot. Most of the items on my calendar aren’t as time sensitive as I pretend. For example: I drink 72 ounces of water daily. I like to have it drunk by 3:30PM. It’s silly to be annoyed when I’m still drinking water at 5:00PM. In terms of work, are my self-imposed deadlines realistic? Is the boss going to be more impressed receiving my sales report the day before it’s due or will he be more impressed if my report contains the latest sales figures on the day it’s due?

Keep calm – Losing patience usually means getting angry. So when I feel the emotion building, I ask myself, “Will an outburst make this situation better?” Usually it won’t. Once upon a time I let loose at work and inadvertently hurt five people’s feelings. My relationship with them was never the same after my outburst. Anger is like a virus. If I cough rage all over my coworkers, pretty soon the whole team is upset. I now intentionally stop and think before I act: “Do I need a time out? Do I need to pray? Do I need to take a deep breath?”

Multitask less – Multitasking is an illusion. It actually lowers productivity. I start writing a report, which reminds me to jot down notes for Monday’s meeting, which prompts me to check on my print order, which prompts me to send an email, and pretty soon, I can’t remember which which is which. I get impatient to finish something by the end of the day. I’m trying to complete tasks one at a time. I keep a pen handy to jot down reminders of what still needs done.

Empathize – Life is fast: texts, instant pots, Netflix. We perceive waiting as negative and use that filter to evaluate work situations: “If the client was pleased with my presentation, she’d have gotten back to me by now.” “The boss didn’t return my email. I know he gets it on his phone.” I’m trying to walk in the other person’s shoes. Maybe the client is delayed because she needs to show the presentation to her program manager. Maybe the boss is delayed because he got a fire drill from his boss.

Patience is a sign of emotional intelligence. It’s a valuable, marketable skill. Tenacity is cool, but let’s recognize when we have to give the situation a rest. Pushing too hard sometimes makes things not work; like fingerprint scanners.

What do you get impatient with at work? Please share your stories in the comments section.

Micro vs Macro (Part 1)

Which management style is worse:

Too much help vs. not enough?

Territorial vs. letting things slip through the cracks?

Watching your every move vs. allowing coworkers to get away with murder?

The first part of the couplet describes micromanagers; the second macromanagers. While the styles are at opposite ends of the management spectrum, the results are the same. The difference is motivation. For example, micromanagers purposely withhold information forcing the team to act without all the facts. Macromanagers neglect to give information forcing the team to act without all the facts. This week, let’s limit our conversation to micromanagers

What do micromanagers look like? Aka: Helicopter Bosses, Suffocating Bosses, or Hovering Bosses. Words used to describe them: smothering, scrutinizing, criticizing, dictating. They oversee how tasks are done down to the smallest detail. Micromanaging can be too much of a good thing (e.g., bringing structure to chaos) and taken too far. They see themselves as “hands on” and leading by example instead of setting guidelines and following up. They get an adrenaline rush from successfully completing a project. Their constant fact checking and deadline reminders make employees feel inadequate and insecure because either the micromanagers don’t trust us to do our jobs or they don’t trust us to do them correctly. This makes us doubt our decisions and stifles innovation and initiative. Morale drops when they take credit for guiding the team. How are individual contributors supposed to get promoted if the managers take all the credit?

What if you’re micromanaged? Micromanaging is about control. We’re all wired to pursue control, but theirs stem from insecurity. It’s not pretty and it’s not fair, but the path of least resistance is to make micromanagers think they have it. You can do this by offering them choices. Are they afraid of failure? Assure them you are on their team and everyone rises together. Were they burned by a team member who didn’t deliver? Break the project down into goals. Set deadlines for reaching those goals. Schedule one on one meetings a week before deadlines to make sure your project is on track to their satisfaction. If they insist on checking on your progress between one on ones, encourage them to do it through email. After all, you’re just trying to free them up to get their own work done, right? 😉 Is this their first time managing a team? Boost their confidence by anticipating their pain points. Be able to answer the who, what, when, where, why, and how questions surrounding your project.

What’s the bottom line? They are the managers. If they want to course correct your plan, it’s their prerogative. Even if you disagree with their plan and you know it’s going in the wrong direction, you still have to do it. Ultimately, they are held responsible for the team’s successes and failures. Keep emails and meeting notes if you’re concerned they’ll throw you under the bus to their managers if the project fails. If that’s a real possibility, it’s time to get yourself new management.

Have you ever had micromanagers? Please share your stories in the comments section.

Get Some Rest

March feels never ending. It’s 31 days long, we lose an hour thanks to daylight savings time, and there are no holidays to close the office; unless your boss is a BIG March Madness or St. Patrick’s Day fan. March ends Q1, so you might work overtime to reach goal. March means the end of the school year is close, so you may be prepping for graduation or researching summer break childcare options for your little ones. Being busy all the time used to be glamorous, but now we’ve reached the tipping point and exhaustion is not a good look for us. Here’s a novel idea: Get some rest.

Pursue It – Rest doesn’t just happen. We have to go after it. Consider hiring a service to clean your house so after a particularly challenging work week you can spend Saturday morning watching the TV instead of dusting it. Take advantage of your grocery’s at-home delivery occasionally. Hire a sitter for a few hours. These aren’t luxuries. They’re emotionally intelligent ways to manage stress.

Schedule It – Rest allows our minds, bodies, and spirits to refresh, recharge, and repair. We need it at regular intervals and on a perpetual basis. Don’t cancel, postpone, or feel guilty about choosing it over chores or going out. When “My weekend is all booked” memes appear on my social media feeds, I’m reminded to put reading for pleasure on my calendar. Maybe your version of rest is a solo activity like a Sunday morning run. Or maybe it’s a group activity like brunch with squad. Either way, calendar your commitment and keep it.

Respect It – It’s not weak to need to rest; it’s human. Don’t be ashamed to recognize you need it. Prioritizing rest boosts both our creativity and productivity. I get up from my desk about once an hour to stretch, look out my office window to refocus my eyes, and hydrate. My brain solves problems faster when my attention is focused on something other than the problem.

Often, we don’t know how badly we need rest until after we get it. When we feel a little wonky we assume it’s a virus coming on or just the 3:00PM let down so we grab another cup of coffee and keep pushing. For example: For fourteen months I worked a full-time day job and a part-time side gig logging about sixty hours a week. I felt fine. I even had a theme song: “Non-Stop” from Hamilton. My full-time work didn’t suffer so it wasn’t until a couple of months after I left my side gig when I realized how different I felt. I thought clearer. I didn’t need as much caffeine to function. I felt in the moment as opposed to watching myself from outside my body. That’s how I knew I had to give up my side gig, btw. So before you start having out of body experiences too, get some rest!

How do you know it’s time to take a break? Please share in the comments section below.

All by Myself

I recently attended a symposium for work. Alone. This introvert was terrified. My face flushed, my eyes darted around the banquet room, my hands shook; to look at me, you’d thought I was being chased by Freddy Krueger. “This is ridiculous,” I told myself. “You are a grown woman. Snap out of it!” Do you feel the same? Do you attend networking events solo? Here are three things I did to make myself feel (a little) more comfortable:

Loners – Surveying the room, everyone I saw had a companion. I looked for a table in the center of the room, where I could face the podium without turning my chair around, with no other tables between it and the beverage tables, and with one other person sitting at it, preferably a lone female like me. (Not that I’m picky or anything.) I found the situation I was looking for and approached the lone female. She just happened to be the organizer. At first, it was a good thing because it gave me a topic of conversation (“Oh, you’re Jane? You’re the one sending the helpful emails?”), but soon she was distracted by all the details she had to handle. She also attracted a couple of out-of-town participants who ended up sitting at our table for six, and now the three of them had business to discuss. Two other women sat with us, but they were from the same company and immediately started talking shop. If you don’t see a familiar face when you walk in the room, I recommend going to the refreshment table and listening to the conversations while you pick up food and/or a beverage. See if you can discover someone else who is attending alone, or people who are talking about something you’re interested in. Try to keep the conversation going and gravitate to a table with them. On arrival, ask if they expect anyone else. If they aren’t, sit down. People usually won’t be so rude as to ask you to leave.

Speechify – I’m new at my company, so I don’t have a good elevator speech yet. I tried my latest version on my table mates. When they asked me questions, it gave me the opportunity to hone it. Their questions revealed where the speech was weak and allowed me to revise it for the next delivery. It also gave me an opportunity to ask them for theirs to see if I could incorporate any of their style into mine.

Commonality – I looked for common ground. It was brutally cold that day and an impending polar vortex was headlining, so talking about the weather was a no-brainer. One of my table mates got on her phone and made transportation arrangements to dance class for her daughter, so asking her about her children was obvious. Another table mate had a Louis Vuitton tote, so complimenting her on it was easy. I also asked follow up questions. When they talked about the suspicious chicken salad at lunch, I asked one of my table mates for her chicken salad recipe. When my husband texted me a funny meme featuring a dog, I asked my table mates if they liked dogs and showed it to them.

I lived through the event and congratulated myself for hiding my social awkwardness for eight hours. I have another one coming up. If you have any suggestions for me, please leave a comment below!

Self-Care is a Thing

I recently discovered self-care is actually a thing. I’ve always equated it to “Treat Yo Self”, but I was wrong. It’s an entire sub-industry of wellness and mental health rooted in medicine. (Here is an interesting article on its origins.) Innumerable products can be marketed for self-care: Frappuccino? Sure. Designer handbag? Absolutely. New car? You deserve it! It’s easy to quickly spiral out of control. In theory, self-care is simple (though not necessarily easy): It’s making time to relax and do something you enjoy. But, it’s faster to buy yourself something than to carve out time in your schedule for a bubble bath. You need down time. It helps your brain make new connections between existing ideas, prevents burn out, and keeps you from stress-eating Snickers. We should take care of ourselves, but it becomes a task and that list is already too long. Attempting to decrease our stress increases it instead. Isn’t that counterproductive (and ironic)? Here are five low maintenance self-care ideas. Choose a couple that don’t stress you out.

Rest – Get ruthless with your schedule and prioritize sleep. Do you need to cut back on after-work girls’ nights? Can your partner take the kids to volleyball practice this week? Do you have to attend that Pampered Chef party? When I feel like I’m not following the Golden Rule, I put myself in time-out. I come home from work, put on my jammies, and take an evening to snuggle the dog and watch Jeopardy until I can fall asleep. If that’s 8:00pm, so be it. I ban caffeine, sugar, and social media. The next morning, I’m ready to roll out of bed and get back to the hustle.

Be Good to Yourself – or nobody else will (Shoutout to Journey). What clears your mind? Music? Exercise? Reading? Make wise choices regarding what you allow in your mind as well as your body. Be aware of what you think about yourself and how you talk to yourself. Carefully evaluate negative comments about you and discard opinions that are invalid. Choose what to believe and build yourself up. Don’t let the haters live rent free in your head.

Tune Out – I’m guilty of checking work email on weekends because I lie to myself: “I need to know if Joe Sixpack replied to the message I sent him on Friday.” No, I don’t. So, unless the sky will fall if I don’t check my work inbox, I’m not, and don’t you do it either. Sometimes I set my phone’s timer for fifteen minutes and journal, close my eyes and box breathe, or surf Pinterest for new chicken recipes. Whatever reboots your brain is how you need to spend your T.E.A.M.

Spend Money – I give myself a weekly allowance and save it. When I find something I want, I spend that money and feel zero guilt. Put a few dollars aside to invest in yourself. Go buy a new nail color, get a new workout outfit, or visit your hair stylist. The indulgence doesn’t have to be solitary. Take a friend out for coffee or take your mom to brunch.

Or Not – Self-care doesn’t have to cost money. Walk the dog. Take a nap. Get a book from the library. Watch a concert on YouTube. Sleep in an extra half hour on your day off. Take a vacation day from work. Stay in bed and watch movies. Go for a bike ride. Self-care is about time. It’s about taking a break to rest, recharge, and rejuvenate. Isn’t it about time you took a break? Please share how you manage self-care in the comments section below.

Dealing With a Difficult Boss

I had a manager who labeled me with an unflattering nickname. I asked him to stop. He didn’t. He referred to me by this name at the end of a staff meeting once. Only one other person thought it was funny. Unfortunately, that person was also my supervisor. The nickname is just one example of how he treated me. He was one of my managers for over a year. I dreaded going to work, but I needed the employment. Are you in the same boat? What do you do when you have a difficult boss, but can’t quit your job? Here’s what I did:

I Documented EVERYTHING – For example: one Saturday, on my only day off, he texted me at 6:00AM for something that was not an emergency. Not only did I ignore him, I screenshot the time stamped message. I wrote down times and dates and witnesses of our strained conversations. I kept copies of documents that proved what I had done and when I had done it. I looked for male allies because traditionally in that industry when a female employee conflicted with a male manager, she was the one let go. I did not text, email, or put anything in writing that could possibly be misinterpreted. Just because I was paranoid didn’t mean he wasn’t out to get me.

I Did Not Involve Others – I didn’t gossip or complain to sympathetic coworkers. I saved my drama for my mama. (Sorry Mom. Thanks!) I observed the chain of command. I went to this manager with pertinent concerns and questions. I chose my battles carefully. I restrained myself from insubordination. It was uncomfortable, but when he went low, I went high.

I Stood My Ground. Politely – I was not confrontational, but I looked him in the eye when he was. For example: When he lectured me for half an hour then asked why a task he gave me was not completed, I suggested we schedule a regular weekly meeting as well as a daily quiet hour so I could efficiently work on his task list. I requested guidelines for my responsibilities and prioritized tasks accordingly.

I Used My Resources – Eventually, I went to the organization’s HR department, asked for their definition of harassment, and found out what my options were. I identified people whom I wanted as references in my job search. I updated my resume. I took my vacation days to interview for a new position.

Long story, short: My manager lost his job and I kept mine. My documentation and witnesses saved me. I found a wonderful company that offered great pay, benefits, and working environment and I worked for them for several years. Are you currently working for a difficult boss? Don’t give up! Tell me about it here: