Relationships – Page 4 – mardihumphreys.com

You do You

Staying positive is hard. If you don’t intentionally protect your mind, you quickly get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking that can prevent you from achieving your goals. People have a habit of building each other up just to tear each other down in order to feel better about ourselves. When the world chips away at your self-esteem, try a couple of these:

“Don’t forget in the darkness what you learned in the light.” – Joseph Bayly – When you’re faced with a choice, you think about what you should do, deliberate with yourself and maybe a trusted colleague, plan how to proceed, and go. Then you hit a rough patch and second guess your decision. Why are you surprised when trouble brews? I have a T-Shirt with the Harry Potter quote, “I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.” Just because you encounter resistance doesn’t mean you chose poorly. Obstacles happen so resist giving up too soon. If you keep putting in the work, revise the plan when new information becomes available, and take a step to further the plan every day, you will eventually reach your goal.

Kick Imposter Syndrome to the curb – When you work hard, you deserve every accolade you receive. Stop listening to the voices telling you you’re not ready for your next career step, especially the ones in your head. Make a list of what you’re good at so you can refer to it when you doubt yourself. Need some ideas? What have your friends/coworkers/managers said you’re good at? If you agree, build your list from those. Use this list to come up with affirmations to tell yourself when you get discouraged. Play to your strengths, get good at them, and ignore the haters. Do your thing because what makes you different from everyone else is actually your super power.

Choose to learn from your critics – Criticism stings. Even if you’re expecting it (e.g., during a performance evaluation) and it’s delivered gently, it’s difficult to take the emotion out of the encounter. When you receive criticism (and you will), ask yourself: Is this person objective? Is her criticism constructive? Does she normally encourage as well as criticize? Does she have something to gain (or lose) by telling me this? Do you know more about the situation than she does? Does someone you trust agree with her assessment? If you deem the criticism as valid, then act on it. If not, then ignore it. If ignoring it isn’t an option, calmly prove your case with facts and figures to back it up. Disagreement with someone is an opportunity to learn from each other.

Sometimes we get grumpy slogging through both our expectations and other people’s expectations of us. To protect your mind:

Know yourself
Acknowledge your values and worldview, and respect those different from yours
Treat others the way you want to be treated
You do you.

How do you keep your mindset positive? Please share your tips in the comments section.

What’s it all for?

Captain Herschel L. Smith Photo Credit to the owner

Memorial Day is a holiday dedicated to honor those who died while serving in military service to America. It always reminds me of my Grandpa, Herschel L. Smith. Although, he didn’t die in the line of duty (Thank You, Lord), so I don’t know why Memorial Day makes me think of him. He served as a Captain in the U.S. Army Air Corps and piloted B-24 Liberators during WWII. His plane was shot down over Germany. As the enemy moved in to take his crew captive, he told his men, “We’re going to win the war. We’re just not gonna win it today.” And for the next 11 months they were POWs. He had a purpose: to keep hope alive in his team. Through the filter of winning a war, decision making gets simple; not easy, but straightforward. We benefit from our military personnel’s sacrifices to maintain our freedom. So what are we doing with this privilege? What is my purpose? What is yours?

Make time to find your purpose. Here is an article to help. Finding your purpose may take a while, but it’s a wise investment. Making decisions through the filter of purpose causes wise choices to be more obvious and simplifies the process. For example: If you are in sales (spoiler alert: everyone is in sales), your purpose is to help your customers. You want to provide them with a product or service they need at a price they can afford. When you approach a potential customer with that mindset, your instinct is to ask them what their pain points are. When you learn the obstacles they face, it helps you figure out how to fix their problems with your product or service.

Experiment. Have you always wanted to do something, but never had time: Gourmet cooking? Coding? Story telling? You’ll never just have time. You have to make time. Jump in and take a class. Or, are you really good at something? Get yourself a YouTube channel and teach others what you know. Do you love dogs? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Do you want to make a difference in a young person’s life? Mentor.

Remember you have more than one. You bring one purpose to your partner. You bring a different purpose to your first child and a different purpose to each subsequent child. You bring a purpose to your mom and a different purpose to your dad and a different purpose to your bestie. You may bring multiple purposes to your job, church, school, intramural team, book club, etc.

It can evolve over time. When our daughter was little, my purpose as a mom was to guide and protect. Now that she’s an adult it’s to encourage and support.

In closing, I salute Captain Herschel L. Smith with some of his favorite words:
By the world I was soon forgotten
No one has mourned for me
as over the world I have wandered
across the boundless sea
So drink to me again boys through the midst of crocodile tears
for when I’m gone no one will mourn
the last of the bombardiers

Please share how your journey to finding your purpose is going in the comments section.

Volunteer Opportunity

My mother is retired from the workforce, but I think she hustles harder now more than ever. She’s a perpetual volunteer in ministry to people. She offers her time and service to God as an act of worship. Some of her activities include: Teaching a weekly ladies’ Sunday School class, working in her church’s nursery, intervention counseling at her church’s private school as well as proctoring. She mentors younger women, facilitates Grief Share meetings, and visits shut-ins. That’s not the complete list, by the way, and I’m exhausted just typing it. I don’t know how she makes time to accomplish all her volunteer ministries. If she were job hunting right now, her volunteerism gives her a 27% better chance of getting hired than a job seeker who doesn’t volunteer.

How does volunteering help you get a job? Employers want to know you like to work even if you’re not paid for it. If you volunteer at an organization where you’d like to be employed, you have access to finding out about job openings; maybe even before they’re posted to the general public. Even if you don’t volunteer at an organization you want to work for, spending time helping others actually helps you. You feel good about yourself when you give. Feeling good about yourself makes it easier to maintain a positive attitude which bleeds over into your job search and in interviews. If you’re looking for a job because you’re unemployed, volunteering looks good on a resume. It fills time gaps. It telegraphs to potential employers that you value giving back to your community (and you want to work for an employer who feels the same way, right?). Volunteering gives you stories to tell when answering interview questions (e.g.: “What are you passionate about?” “What are your hobbies?”), and expands your network. You never know who you’ll meet, where they work, or who they know. Don’t volunteer too much, but don’t volunteer too little either. This study shows volunteering more than 100 hours a year does not raise your chances of getting hired; nor does volunteering less than 20 hours a year. When you do get hired, you might not have to give up volunteering. Ask your manager if the company offers Volunteer Time Off (VTO). It’s a trending perk. One in four American companies and non-profits offer VTO.

Mom and I, along with my husband and my dad, will spend this Mother’s Day attending my daughter’s college commencement ceremony. She is also known for her volunteerism. During her time at university, she’s volunteered on both her campus activities board and at Gospel Mission, and tutored African refugees. I’m grateful Mom has this influence on her. It’s no doubt one of the reasons she had a successful college career in both her classes and her student employment. It will no doubt continue contributing to her success as she begins her next life phase in the workforce.

Do you volunteer? Please tell us about your experience in the comment section.

Dollars and Sense

Our daughter moves to Chicago next month to begin her first full-time job. She’ll earn more money than she’s made in her entire life. There are lessons my husband and I taught her about managing money that I feel good about and lessons I wish we’d known we should teach her, like:

How to use a bank: When our daughter was sixteen years old, my husband helped her open a debit account and linked it to ours. We not only see how much she’s spending, but can also transfer money between our accounts in case of emergencies.

Save your allowance: We struggled to develop a satisfactory allowance plan. One one hand, when she asked for the latest iPhone, we said, “Save your allowance.” On the other, if you get $10 a week just for existing, what does that teach? Some chores you should just do because you’re part of a family: clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher, do your own laundry, etc., right?

If you have a car, you have a job: My parents gave her money to buy a car and we paid for insurance, but gas and oil changes were her responsibility and her allowance wasn’t enough to cover those. My husband and I think working either in retail or food service should be mandatory and the earlier in life, the better. Those industries teach excellent customer service lessons. Our daughter got a job at an ice cream shop. We got discounts. 🙂

You need skin in the game: We had a Roth IRA to pay for college. She used it up freshman year. To pay for future years, she had a scholarship, financial awards, and student loans, but these didn’t cover all her expenses. So we made a deal. We’d make up the difference for the next three years. Any classes beyond four years, grad school, and student loans are her responsibility. She also had to work part-time. As a result she figured out how to get her bachelor’s degree in four years, sought free money (e.g. she received a grant for being a vice-president of her campus activities board), and worked; sometimes three jobs at a time. In other words, she learned how to hustle.

Be generous: When you’re comfortable giving money away, it loses its power over you. Growing up she helped us give and serve. Today she is known for her generosity and volunteerism.

Good credit is important: We intentionally avoided helping her get a credit card until her senior year in college. My husband counsels her on what to charge, how to check her balance, and when to pay the bill.

There are a few things I wish we’d done: Taught her how to make a proper budget, forced her to save for a goal (e.g., buying her own car), and avoided student loans. Last week she was at the grocery looking for something over the counter to take for her allergies. She texted me a photo asking if the drug would make her feel better. The package revealed she’d chosen a generic instead of brand name; maybe she learned something after all.

How do you teach your children the value of a dollar? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Scaredy Cat

“I wanna see you be brave.” Sara Bareilles

I want to be brave, but I don’t want to do stuff that scares me. Can’t I just go to Oz and ask the Wizard for courage? We admire courageous people because they fear inaction more than failure. It’s like writing code. I write a script, compile it, build it, and run it. More often than not the program doesn’t run correctly. So I go back into the script, find what needs fixed, run it again, and keep doing that until it’s right. Programmers expect their programs to fail. Each run reveals new data on what’s working and what isn’t. Let’s develop the same attitude toward life. Often when we do something that scares us, it turns out it wasn’t so scary after all and if it was, we prove we can do scary things leading us to freedom and peace of mind. Courage is a skill we can learn. Here are three ways I’m trying.

“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.” Robert Tew

I take small steps. I aim to do one thing every day that makes me uncomfortable. Are you shy? Offer to onboard your new coworker. It will give you practice talking to a stranger in a familiar setting. Afraid of driving on the highway? Get on early one Saturday morning. Drive one down exit, get off, and take the surface streets home. Next Saturday get on and drive two exits down the road, etc. After a month, try exiting the highway, then getting back on it to go home. After six weeks, try getting on at a busier time of day. After nine weeks, try getting on during rush hour.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” Nancy D. Solomon

There’s a fine line between planning and procrastinating. The longer I think about a situation, the more bad outcomes I predict. Sound familiar? Pull out of analysis paralysis before negative thoughts like this get stuck in your head: “If I apply for the assistant manager position, and don’t get it, the rest of the team will think I’m a failure.” We assume others think about us more than they actually do. It doesn’t matter what anyone (except you) thinks. Don’t prevent yourself from getting the position.

“With great risk comes great reward.” Thomas Jefferson

What do you need the courage to do? Stand up to a bully? Change jobs? End a dysfunctional relationship? I’m a big fan of journaling. When I get fear out of my head and onto paper (or screen), it loses a bit of power. Here are some writing prompts: What are you afraid of? Why? What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that could happen? Use your answers to develop the framework for an action plan to conquer your fear. When you complete a step in your plan, celebrate! Effort is worth rewarding. It will take time and practice, but if we persist, we can cultivate the courage to achieve whatever we want.

What do you need courage to achieve? Please share your story in the comments section so we can encourage one another.

Stay in Your Lane

Photo by Markus Spiske temporausch.com from Pexels

“Hi. My name is Mardi and I’m a chronic over-thinker.” *Hi Mardi!*

Sometimes, my thoughts spin so fast they trip and fall into rabbit holes leading to people that (I think) need my help. Much like Glinda in Wicked, this does not make me “Popular.” (See what I did there?)

While commuting to and from work, cars constantly merge onto the highway. I usually stay in the middle, but there are plenty of people switching lanes. Sometimes they don’t use their signals. Sometimes they race each other to see who is going to get in front of whom. All the time I’m yelling, “Stay in your lane!” This reminds me that (figuratively speaking) I have a tendency to veer out of my lane and merge on top of those around me. There are three reasons I get all up in people’s business. Do any of these sound familiar?

I know better than they do. When someone is going through a situation I’ve been through, I assume their experience is identical to mine. You know what assuming does. (If not, ask me in the comments section below.) For example: Last fall, our daughter hunted a full-time job she could start after graduating from college this spring. Been there. Done that. Three companies recruited her. She accepted the first offer. I wanted her to wait and see if something better came along. Here’s what I should probably do instead: Listen; don’t talk. Ask questions; don’t lecture. Keep my opinions to myself. People ask for my advice when they are ready to hear it, not when I’m ready to give it.

I can save them. I’m a fixer. When I see someone making poor choices, I want to step in and correct their course. For example: A coworker was struggling with potential clients. I edited her pitch to increase her close rate. I even went with her to a few meetings and demonstrated. But, instead of viewing it as process improvement, she felt discouraged. Here’s what I should probably do instead: I need to resist the urge to fix, step in, or think my intervention will save the day. If I see a butterfly struggling to shed a cocoon, and I tear it open, do you know what happens? I kill the butterfly. The struggle strengthens it. Sometimes I just have to sit on my hands and not say everything I think.

I want their attention. I want to feel like I matter. For example: I’ve unpacked pallets of boxes weighing 20lbs each, stacked them in a storage unit, and sent pictures of my work to my manager. Here’s what I should probably do instead: Rein it in. If my work is consistently good, I will get a reputation as a valued member of the team. That is not to say I shouldn’t let my manager know I’m working hard, but weekly one-on-ones would be an appropriate time to do that.

Do you have trouble staying in your lane too? Please share your tips for self-restraint in the comments section below.

Dirty Glasses

I can’t tell when my glasses get dirty. At some point, my vision gets clouded and I’m unaware of it. Smudged spectacles give me a false perception of reality. “Wait, that’s not a pile of dirt in the middle of the road, that’s a speck of dust on my glasses!” One minute I’m blissfully ignorant and the next I can see all the stuff coating my lenses: dog nose prints, eye lashes, dried hair spray droplets, etc. I should clean them every day, but I don’t. Just like my lenses collect grit and grime, so does my work life. I let my good habits slide, I ignore my bad ones, I rationalize my lazy behavior, perhaps throw myself a wee pity party, and before I know it, I’m in trouble. So, I have to stop and “clean my glasses.”

When I realize I’ve made a mistake, the first thing I do is figure out how I created this big mess. For example: Recently, I had a bad glucose test result.

Why? I miscalculated the number of carbohydrates in the serving of chicken enchiladas I ate.
How? I talked myself into believing the serving size was safe because I wanted to eat the yummy chicken enchiladas.
Now what? After the pity party, I buckle down. No chicken enchiladas for a while and the next time I make them, omit the tortillas.

I use this same pattern to recover after a mistake at work. For example: I ignored the auto-generated emails from the company’s ERP notifying me of undone tasks because I was pretty sure I did them and documented them, plus the ERP was famous for sending erroneous automated you-have-a-task-awaiting-you emails. I finally got a minute to recheck my documentation against the ignored messages and discovered an error on my part. How did I fix this? I asked myself the chicken enchilada questions:

Q: Why did I make the mistake?A: Overconfidence in my assumptions.
Q: How did I make the mistake? A: Quickly checking my documentation instead of paying attention.
Q: Now what? A: Do the tasks and set up a process for paying closer attention to comparing the tasks to my documentation.

Sometimes I need help cleaning my glasses. My mom says my dad is the best glasses cleaner she knows. Every time I’m at their house, I ask him to clean them. Sometimes at work I need help from someone I trust to be honest with me, in order to help me progress; more an accountability partner than a mentor. For example: A coworker who sees me surfing my social media during the time I’m usually making client calls and asks me about it; and who would appreciate my doing the same for her. Performance reviews are great for preventing long term crashing and burning. But for ensuring I’m on the right track before I talk myself into “eating the enchiladas,” an accountability partner is great for helping me “clean my glasses.”

Do you have an accountability partner at work? Please share how you help each other in the comments below.

Self-Care is a Thing

I recently discovered self-care is actually a thing. I’ve always equated it to “Treat Yo Self”, but I was wrong. It’s an entire sub-industry of wellness and mental health rooted in medicine. (Here is an interesting article on its origins.) Innumerable products can be marketed for self-care: Frappuccino? Sure. Designer handbag? Absolutely. New car? You deserve it! It’s easy to quickly spiral out of control. In theory, self-care is simple (though not necessarily easy): It’s making time to relax and do something you enjoy. But, it’s faster to buy yourself something than to carve out time in your schedule for a bubble bath. You need down time. It helps your brain make new connections between existing ideas, prevents burn out, and keeps you from stress-eating Snickers. We should take care of ourselves, but it becomes a task and that list is already too long. Attempting to decrease our stress increases it instead. Isn’t that counterproductive (and ironic)? Here are five low maintenance self-care ideas. Choose a couple that don’t stress you out.

Rest – Get ruthless with your schedule and prioritize sleep. Do you need to cut back on after-work girls’ nights? Can your partner take the kids to volleyball practice this week? Do you have to attend that Pampered Chef party? When I feel like I’m not following the Golden Rule, I put myself in time-out. I come home from work, put on my jammies, and take an evening to snuggle the dog and watch Jeopardy until I can fall asleep. If that’s 8:00pm, so be it. I ban caffeine, sugar, and social media. The next morning, I’m ready to roll out of bed and get back to the hustle.

Be Good to Yourself – or nobody else will (Shoutout to Journey). What clears your mind? Music? Exercise? Reading? Make wise choices regarding what you allow in your mind as well as your body. Be aware of what you think about yourself and how you talk to yourself. Carefully evaluate negative comments about you and discard opinions that are invalid. Choose what to believe and build yourself up. Don’t let the haters live rent free in your head.

Tune Out – I’m guilty of checking work email on weekends because I lie to myself: “I need to know if Joe Sixpack replied to the message I sent him on Friday.” No, I don’t. So, unless the sky will fall if I don’t check my work inbox, I’m not, and don’t you do it either. Sometimes I set my phone’s timer for fifteen minutes and journal, close my eyes and box breathe, or surf Pinterest for new chicken recipes. Whatever reboots your brain is how you need to spend your T.E.A.M.

Spend Money – I give myself a weekly allowance and save it. When I find something I want, I spend that money and feel zero guilt. Put a few dollars aside to invest in yourself. Go buy a new nail color, get a new workout outfit, or visit your hair stylist. The indulgence doesn’t have to be solitary. Take a friend out for coffee or take your mom to brunch.

Or Not – Self-care doesn’t have to cost money. Walk the dog. Take a nap. Get a book from the library. Watch a concert on YouTube. Sleep in an extra half hour on your day off. Take a vacation day from work. Stay in bed and watch movies. Go for a bike ride. Self-care is about time. It’s about taking a break to rest, recharge, and rejuvenate. Isn’t it about time you took a break? Please share how you manage self-care in the comments section below.

Trust Issues

The people in my town are hard core skeptics. I spent the better part of 2018 trying to convince small business owners (SBOs) that not only could I GIVE them energy efficient measures (including installation), these measures could save them hundreds of dollars on their electric bills. I had a list of eligible small businesses. I visited the businesses, contacted the decision maker, and offered them our service. My biggest obstacle was convincing them the measures were free. Even when I admitted the catch was our measures had to fit their existing fixtures, some suspected a charge would eventually show up on their utility bill. SBOs missed out on both free installed measures and cheaper monthly bills because they didn’t trust me. I tried all kinds of reasoning: “Small business is the foundation of our community. The electric company knows it’s expensive to run a small business. I have the power to save you money, let me help you!” I felt like Jacob Marley’s ghost in “A Christmas Carol.” If you are in sales or outreach, (Let’s face it: For our employers to stay in business we’re all in sales or outreach) how do you earn a potential customer’s trust? Here are some things I did:

I started with friends; especially those with showrooms for whom lighting was a pain point. Not only do printers, jewelers, and tailors need well lit showrooms, those showrooms are expensive to light. After my team did a great job for them, I asked for referrals and encouraged word of mouth. I asked them if they knew other SBOs on whom I could call. When I got a name and contact number, I asked them to text or email that SBO to expect my call. Because my friend trusts me, and the referral trusts my friend, the referral can trust me. After installation, I sent emails to the referrals thanking them for participating. My email said I hoped they were happy with the measures and the lower electric bills, to call me if they weren’t, and oh, by the way, do you know of anyone else we can help? It’s the Faberge theory of marketing. Eventually in my request for referral emails, I could say we served over 100 businesses. I obtained permission from some to give their email addresses to skeptics as references. I used their credibility as a trust builder.

Other suggestions:

Make it easy for your loyal customers to champion your cause. For example: Write a testimonial for them to approve or edit. Post it on your social media platforms and ask them to post it to theirs, if appropriate.
Expect to contact potential customers multiple times before securing them: In person, follow up email, phone call, snail mail. Use different communication mediums to get their attention.
When something goes wrong, and it will, fix it quickly and generously then use it as an example to potential customers of your trustworthiness.

Why go to all this trouble? Because trust takes time to build and once it’s broken, it’s virtually impossible to re-establish. Trust is what keeps your customers coming back. Translation: Brand loyalty. Like it or not, you are a brand. You represent your product/service. You need customers to trust you because their trust pays your bills.

What are some things you do to promote trust with potential customers? Please share in the comments section below.

Realistic Resolutions

Every December 26, health clubs, grocery stores, and sports equipment retailers pull out the “New Year, New You!” hooey. First of all, stop pressuring me to make New Year’s resolutions. They’re clichéd and can even be harmful. Who hasn’t resolved to lose weight then used it as an excuse to overeat from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day? (“I can eat whatever I want now because I’m dieting come January 2.”) New Year’s resolutions encourage unreasonably high expectations. If you made one this year, it’s likely you’ve given up on it by now. And second: What’s wrong with the old me? (No comments, please. That was a rhetorical question.) Instead of the stop smoking, quit nail biting, new job January goals, how about resolving to:

Be Grateful – Find something daily to be grateful for by keeping a gratitude journal. Read more about that here. Keep it however you want: real paper, an app on your phone/tablet, whatever medium inspires you to keep coming back to it. I suggest pulling it out for a few minutes at the same time every day to write, doodle, copy and paste, or however you express your gratitude.

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Exercise Your Creativity – Pick up a new hobby: play an instrument, knit, paint, tai-chi, cook, learn a foreign language, goat yoga, Civil War re-enacting, something you’ve never done, but always wanted to do.

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Connect – Stay in touch with friends and/or family. Go beyond liking their Facebook posts. Go to a museum, a movie, or brunch together. Calendar time to check in face to face.

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Practice Kindness – Let people merge onto the highway in front of you, be punctual, don’t participate in office gossip, pay for the order behind you in the Starbuck’s drive-thru line.

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Volunteer – Your church, animal shelter, and women’s center need you. It’s good to be needed. When you help others you reduce your stress, ward off depression, and make friends. I’m not making this up. Here, I Googled it for you.

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Work on You – How about a new hair style? You don’t have to commit to anything, just browse online for the latest trends and see if there’s anything you like. Do you need to change your eating habits? Get a cookbook from the library featuring low fat, low carbohydrates, high vegetables, and high fiber recipes. Does your wardrobe need updating? Go through your closet and donate anything you haven’t worn in two years. (Unless it’s that Def Leppard concert T-shirt you bought at the Hysteria Tour in 1987. Send that to me; please and thank you.) Then take that Christmas bonus and buy yourself a new outfit. Is your resume up to date? Check your contact information, experience, skills, and education sections to ensure they’re current.

Read – (When, when, when was I redundant?!) – If you aren’t a reader, you should be. It’s got all kinds of benefits. Read (LOL) about some here. If you need suggestions on what to read, check out my friend Susan’s 2018 List. She’s a high school English teacher in Atlanta, GA. I’m sure you’ll find something you like.

If you need to make a change, start now. Every day is an opportunity to grow. Forget the resolutions; instead, focus on setting S.M.A.R.T (Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely) goals for self-improvement. And remember, you don’t have to start any of these now. Your best year ever can start in March if you want it to, but why wait to do something that can make you feel good about yourself?

Please share your thoughts on New Year’s resolutions in the comments section below.