Relationships – Page 3 – mardihumphreys.com

Come Together

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Spendthrift loves Cheapskate

When couples argue over finances, money is almost never the real problem. It’s a symptom of the real problem. We learn about money as children. We didn’t analyze our parents’ bank statements when we were 10 years old, but we did experience where their money went. Did we live paycheck to paycheck? Did we go to Disney World every year? Did we donate to charitable organizations? If we got a bike for Christmas, we knew we had money. If the heat got turned off at Christmas, we knew we didn’t. These experiences influence our relationship with money. It’s common for couples to have vastly different opinions regarding money, while simultaneously assuming everyone else’s attitude toward it is the same as ours. Saver marries Spender oblivious our spouse’s financial philosophy will quickly drive us crazy, but couples overcome financial differences every day. As with most things in life, it’s all in the approach.

We Need to Talk

Saver and Spender should talk about money priorities at a time that is good for both and in a relaxed setting. We come to this date with a list of what is important to us to both spend money on and save money for. First, we figure out how much money we each make every month. Next, we go through the monthly bills (e.g., mortgage/rent, utilities, internet, phone, gas, groceries, etc.) and see how much we have to spend on these fixed expenses. Ideally, what we have to spend is less than what we make (If not, that’s a whole ‘nuther blog post).

The difference in those two figures is disposable income. This is the money we have to talk about. Does Saver like putting money in a savings account? Does Spender like to eat out? Agree on monthly limits for both. We also need to agree on an amount each can spend without the other’s blessing and we should set parameters on what qualifies as a big purchase (e.g., a car). The goal is for Saver to feel secure and Spender to not feel confined.

For additional comfort and freedom, we can open separate accounts in addition to our joint account. The joint account is for bill paying and each spouse can contribute proportional to our income. We define what purchases qualify as household expenses (e.g., child care) and pay those out of the joint account. Discretionary spending comes from the individual accounts.

We consider debt. How much are we comfortable with (e.g., credit card debt)? What are we willing to go in debt for (e.g., our children’s education)?

We ought to discuss saving and investment goals. Do we want to buy a house? Go on a month-long vacation? Retire early?

The more couples talk about money (how we spend it and why), the easier it gets. We aren’t just building our finances, we’re building our trust in each other.

How do you and your spouse deal with money issues? Please share in the comments section.

Time to Tune Out

Have you noticed in meetings there’s at least one team member on her phone, tablet, or laptop the entire time? She could be taking notes, but no one assumes that do we? Hopefully, we make enough eye contact with the client to indicate he has our full attention. If we’re in front of our screens this much at work, how much more are we in front of them outside of work, and how damaging is it?

Break the Binge

Most of us spend more time in front of screens than we realize. On the average, Americans watch over five hours of television a day, and almost four hours on our computers, tablets, and/or smartphones. If we turn them off, we can buy ourselves a huge chunk of our day back and maybe our relationships too. Can we really concentrate on the story our partners or kids are telling us if we’re distracted by the puppy video we just scrolled to on Instagram? With all that time we could read a book on personal development, walk the dog, or have coffee with a friend.

CVS is a Not Just a Drug Store

Computer Vision Syndrome (CVS) can happen when we spend hours looking at a computer or phone screen. When we use a computer at work, then go home and check our social media, that’s a lot of time exposed to screens. Do you use the 20-20-20 rule?

Couch Potato Chip

If we’re binge watching Netflix or spending the evening gaming after work, then we’re probably sitting still. If we aren’t moving around, we’re not burning calories or stretching our muscles, and we’re likely snacking. We’re not deeply connecting with people, but instead seriously considering feeding the Trolls. More good reasons to use the phone to either call a friend or play music while on the stationary bike instead of using it to cruise Twitter.

Put it Down and Walk Away

Here are the Mayo Clinic’s suggestions to help us put our devices away.

Here are mine:

Turn off notifications – If someone needs to get ahold of me in an emergency, they’re going to either text or call; not Facebook messenger me. Getting distracted by notifications on my phone throws me out of my flow while working. It takes so much time to recover, it’s not worth knowing which friends just added to their stories. Eliminating this distraction helps me be more productive and get things done then give my full attention to my friends Facebook stories at a more appropriate time.

Get rid of cable – My husband and I spent so many nights looking for (and failing to find) something to watch on our 189 cable television stations that when we moved three years ago, we didn’t bother subscribing to cable. We’ve found plenty to watch with an antenna and streaming services.

How do you convince yourself to step away from the screen? Please share your suggestions in the comments section.

Christmas Time is Here

The end of the year brings extra work at our companies: performance reviews, customer appreciations, year end financial closes, etc. Unfortunately these tasks happen at the same time we want to celebrate the holidays. How can we make the most of our time off work?

Unplug

This isn’t practical if we’re on call (doctors, firefighters, retailers, developers, you get the picture), but if we’re not, let’s avoid checking email the entire time we’re off. If we simply can’t bear the thought (guilty), limit it. How do we recognize our limit? If we’re constantly wondering whether or not that elusive client has replied yet, then for peace of mind, check. Consider checking email or noodling on projects at a set time every day (e.g., when you get up in the morning over coffee); only work at that time and for a certain amount of time (thirty to sixty minutes, maybe). I realized it was time to do this when my mom told me to stop checking my work email during our Thanksgiving meal prep.

Volunteer

We can go with a group or on our own. We can greet at our church’s Christmas Eve services or bag at our local food pantries. Giving our family and/or friends our full attention while serving our communities creates bonds that strengthens both our relationships and our mental health. Besides, we never know whom we might be serving alongside. Plenty of people meet potential employers while volunteering.

Relax

Holiday commitments often mean doing things we don’t want to (travel, making small talk with distant relatives, etc.). Let’s set aside a day, or at least a few hours, before January 2, to do something we want to do. Need some suggestions? If you’re an introvert, curl up with a book and hot cocoa or get that massage you desperately need but keep putting off. If you’re an extrovert, meet up with some friends for last-minute shopping, brunch, or a spa day.

Sleep

Time off is an opportunity to start a healthy routine of going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. If we’re visiting family or friends who want us to stay with them, but we have to crash on the couch, consider getting a hotel room. To me, having a place to retreat to rest is worth the cost.

Make Memories

Part of the fun of the holidays is remembering them for years afterward. Let’s create and participate in activities we can reminisce over. They don’t have to be expensive: make gingerbread cookies, embark on a selfie scavenger hunt, hold a board game tournament. Any activity that’s out of the ordinary (and maybe out of our comfort zones) will help us make memories to fondly recall in the years to come.

No matter how we choose to spend our time off, let’s commit to being present, eliminating as many distractions as possible, leaving our phones and laptops in another room, pushing some social engagements into January, and making time to focus on nurturing relationships and recharging ourselves.

Please share in the comments section how you intend to spend time away from work this holiday.

Spending the Holidays

We interrupt your regularly scheduled budget to bring you…the holidays. We want to buy lavish gifts for our persons, but struggling to pay student loans, spending half our paychecks on diapers, or saving aggressively for retirement, reminds us to be frugal. Here are some ways to save money on buying presents.

You Better Watch Out

The closer we get to the holiday, the farther the prices drop. The catch? Selection drops too. If there’s something specific you want to purchase, shop Black Friday or Cyber Monday. If not, wait until six days before the holiday. This rule of thumb doesn’t apply to shopping online. If you wait too long, shipping could cost more than the gift.

Making a List and Checking it Twice

As a note in my phone, I make a list of people I’m buying for. Then I ask myself, “Do I really have to buy gifts for all these people?” My husband? Yes. My coworker? Probably not; a hand written note of gratitude is best for some (e.g., coworker, boss, neighbor). If I’m concerned about hurting someone’s feelings, I communicate either directly or with a blanket social media post. (E.g., “I’m limiting gift buying this year and please don’t feel obligated to buy me anything.”) Next to each name, I write a dollar amount. This is my budget. Then I write in gift ideas. While I’m out and about shopping or online, I may find items on sale for one person that gives me wiggle room for someone else, but generally my budget is law and I stick to it. I resist the urge to impulse buy, which is easier while shopping online. When I’m at a mall, all the pretty lights, decorations, and music tempt me to go off list and over budget. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I try to pay in cash because the pain of physically handing over my hard earned money helps me stick to my budget.

Naughty or Nice?

Regifting is an option, but I’m kinda against it. Especially since I saw this.

Be Good for Goodness Sake

If I have a large gathering to attend, I enlist the help of the attendees. I initiate an email thread discussing options: Can we give group gifts (e.g., buy one gift for my sister-in-law, her husband, and their kids; like a streaming subscription, zoo membership, or a donation to their favorite cause)? How about setting a dollar limit and doing white elephant, Secret Santa, or just stocking stuffers?

Rooty Toot Toots

Time together is a gift when spent on intentional experiences: dinner out, a holiday performance followed by coffee, driving through light displays. Are you crafty? I’ve received some fabulous homemade gifts like from-scratch chocolate chip cookies and a hand-knitted Angora scarf that matched my winter coat.

Even someone who’s a responsible spender all year long can lose her mind at holiday time. If we bend to the pressure of spending more than we can afford, we buy ourselves guilt when the credit card bill arrives in January. If our recipient won’t remember in May what we gave her in December, let’s not spend a bunch of money on it.

Please share your tips for saving money on buying holiday gifts in the comments section.

This is How We Role

Does leading people scare you? Good. It means you care. The best leaders want the people in their charge to succeed. How can you achieve that? Model learning, networking, and resilience; like these women.

Learning: Katherine Johnson

You probably know her from the movie Hidden Figures. Katherine has been a brilliant mathematician since she was 13 years old. In 1939, she was the lone female of only three black students permitted to attend the graduate program in mathematics at West Virginia University. She began work at Langley Memorial Aeronautical Laboratory in 1953, where she was the only one John Glenn trusted to calculate the trajectory of his orbital flight around the earth. She is the author/co-author of 26 research reports. She cites helping synch Project Apollo’s Lunar Lander with the moon-orbiting Command and Service Module as her most important contribution to space exploration.

You may not be a STEM rockstar like Katherine, but you can build on your strengths and use them to inspire your team. Do you like to communicate? Is your delivery clear and concise? If your colleagues’ eyes glaze over when you present in meetings, maybe it’s time for a refresher on communication best practices.

Networking: Judy Robinett

Judy is “the woman with the titanium digital Rolodex.” She’s an entrepreneur, business thought leader, author, and she was profiled in Fast Company, Huffington Post, and Forbes for her reputation as a “super connector.” Judy says quality (your level of connection with someone) beats quantity when building a powerful network and there’s a limit on how many relationships we can juggle at one time. (Spoiler alert: it’s 150.)

You may not have a titanium digital Rolodex like Judy, but you have circles of influence. Dig deeper into these relationships. Find out what networking groups one of your coworkers attends and offer to be her wingman. None of your team mates have a networking group? Identify one you’d like to attend and ask at least one colleague to join you.

Resilience: Sheryl Sandberg

Sheryl graduated from Harvard University, helped make Google a profitable company, advocates for women in business through Lean In, authored two books, and as the COO at Facebook, is one of the wealthiest women in the world. But Sheryl is criticized for preaching at working mothers to remain in the workforce (because she can afford to hire staff to work both in her office and her home), her husband died suddenly in 2015 leaving her widowed with two children, and she got blamed for Facebook’s Cambridge Analytica scandal.

You may not have to defend your decisions on a national stage like Sheryl, but you’ll face customers’ anger while you’re wounded. Dealing with unpleasant situations under difficult circumstances gives you opportunity to show your direct reports emotional intelligence in action. The next time one of your clients is upset, take a team member with you to the client’s office to talk about resolution. This earns both the client’s and team member’s respect.

A role model inspires us to set goals, gives us the tools to reach them, and celebrates us when we do. If you do that, you are both a great leader and role model.

Please share the qualities you look for in a role model in the comments section.

Corporate Stockholm Syndrome is Real

While researching last week’s post, I stumbled across something I’d never heard of before: Corporate Stockholm Syndrome (CSS). It’s when an employee becomes deeply loyal to an employer who is abusive (e.g., yells at employees, expects employees to work long hours, requires employees to handle his personal errands). For a good example of this, watch the movie (or read the book), The Devil Wears Prada. Stockholm Syndrome is a phrase first coined in the 1970s to refer to a hostage who felt empathy toward her captor because even though she was abused, the captor was also the source of food, water, shelter, etc. Since a manager can also be viewed as a source of those things, when the manager is abusive, the employee experiences CSS.

1. Problems

As employees, we get a great deal of self-esteem from our jobs. This becomes problematic if our manager habitually mistreats us. An employee suffering from CSS is emotionally attached to the company and puts its needs before her own; even if that means she gets traumatized in the process. The employee is micromanaged. Her work is scrutinized and, if it displeases the manager, criticized. When she wants to advance within the company, especially to another manager’s team, her manager refuses to allow the move.

2. Symptoms

Physical: headaches, insomnia, fatigue
Mental/Emotional: fear, distrust, anger, shame, denial she’s being mistreated.
Company: the manager isolates the employee from upper management, coworkers verbally abuse each other, the company offers fringe benefits that promote loyalty to the company

3. Results

The employee is stressed out, her reputation possibly tarnished by her manager, and afraid of what will happen if she complains to Human Resources. She thinks telling someone will get back to the manager and make things worse (e.g., lose her job or not get promoted). In 2017, the Workplace Bullying Institute discovered more than 60 million employees in the US had been affected by bullying or abuse on the job. CSS is contagious. Coworkers who witness the abuse may not speak up for fear they’ll be mistreated too.

4. Solutions

It’s important to maintain healthy relationships outside of the office. Get a reality check from one of yours. Ask, “Do you see this happening?” “Is this normal?” If you’re a victim of CSS, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change your manager’s behavior. Your best alternative is to get a new job. (That sentence makes it sound easy. I know it’s not.) Look for a company that rewards supervisors for promoting high performers. While you’re searching, take time to heal. Write down your achievements. Seek validation and encouragement from friends and family. Consider visiting a psychologist who does cognitive behavioral therapy to undo the thinking patterns created by the abuse. Be good to yourself outside of work: exercise, use a meditation app, plan something to look forward to (e.g., a concert, a vacation, the next five books you want to read). Be as good to yourself as you would be to a friend who is going through these circumstances.

Have you ever been the victim of CSS? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Balancing Act

During a conference I attended last week, we did a networking exercise similar to the Reciprocity Ring Adam Grant uses in his classes at Wharton. Most of us requested referrals, but one woman asked for tips on work-life balance. I admired her courage. We usually act like we either have it all together or wear burnout like a badge of honor. I promised to do some research. Here’s what I found.

Contributing Factors to Work-life Imbalance:

1. Household Chores

Women do more household chores than men no matter what their age, income level, workforce responsibilities, or if there are children to parent. If you’re tired of carrying the bulk of the homework, talk to your partner about traditional gender roles and work out a fair division of labor.

2. Working Remotely

If you don’t have to be on-site to do your job, working from home allows flexibility but also usually means working longer and odd hours and sets the expectation from your boss that it’s acceptable. American wages are about the same today as they were 40 years ago. Technology has produced knowledge workers, but businesses have yet to figure out how to measure their productivity. We’re still measuring it by hours on time sheets and presence in the office. So if you work remotely, you feel you have to be connected 24/7 to demonstrate productivity.

3. Your Mate’s Schedule

Women partnered to men who work long hours (50 or more per week) have significantly higher perceived stress and significantly lower work-life balance than women partnered to men who work a normal full-time week (35–49 hours).

Possible Solutions:

1. Flip the Script

Stop thinking of work as negative and home as positive. There’s nothing wrong with loving your job. It’s just that too much of a good thing still causes burnout. Alternate work schedules are becoming more common. Can you choose a schedule that allows you to balance home and work? You have to set and protect boundaries, but you would control them.

2. Embrace the Imbalance

Using time-saving hacks aren’t working any more. Imbalance is a challenge for a household where both people have jobs and no one has the exclusive responsibility to manage the home. Give each other some grace. Communicate when you have an impending work deadline signaling that your chores at home will have to wait. On the other hand, let your colleague know you will answer his email after you get home from your daughter’s basketball game.

3. Leadership

If the organization’s leaders don’t practice work-life balance, e.g., emailing at 9:00PM, calling into meetings from vacation, etc., then employees will follow suit because it shows dedication and may lead to promotion. Managers should model the behavior the company wants cultivated. Supervisors should take a lunch hour, go on vacation, and leave the office for the day at a reasonable hour. Then they should talk openly about doing all those things with their teams and encourage them to do the same.

How do you balance work with your personal life? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Increase Your Stock Value

This white paper suggests corporations that have women in C-Suite positions experience higher stock values and greater profitability than corporations whose boards are all men. This study proposes there is no physical difference between male and female brains. Both resources imply cultural bias keeps women out of boardrooms. So here we are in 2019 still banging our heads against the Glass Ceiling. What steps can we take right now to break through? One is to develop leadership presence. It’s the secret sauce to obtaining executive and senior level positions and it consists of confidence, unique voice, and physical presence.

Confidence

Research shows men apply for jobs if they meet 60% of the qualifications. Women apply if we meet 100%. When we don’t get the job, women assume we aren’t good enough to get it, and men blame external circumstances. If you work in HR, analyze your organization for diversity then filter your results through your hiring process. What can you do to attract, hire, and promote under-represented groups? (E.g., women in entry level positions taking longer to get promoted than men hired for the same position at the same time.) Make unconscious bias conscious. If your company recruits more men than women, find out why. Hiring managers tend to recruit people they like and who are like them. Does your company need more female recruiters?

Unique Voice

Research reveals when women leaders exhibit traditionally male characteristics, like decisiveness and assertion, we are perceived as bossy and aggressive. On the other hand, when female leaders display traditionally feminine characteristics like being warm and nurturing, we are perceived as incompetent. The trick is to be both warm and competent. Women don’t have to mimic men to have an influential voice, but this is a slippery slope. As LeanIn.org tweeted, “We tend to underestimate women’s performance and overestimate men’s. Women get less credit for their accomplishments and more blame for mistakes. As a result, women have to work harder than men to prove that they’re qualified.” Since women are more likely to be given leadership roles in times of crisis, we get lots of practice using our unique voices.

Physical Presence

To break through the Glass Ceiling, women must get over risk aversion. To get what we want, we have to go after it. We can acknowledge to ourselves we’re afraid, but we have to proceed. True leaders are more afraid of the status quo than of taking risk. We can start by taking up as much physical space as possible when entering a room: stand tall, sit up straight, and make eye contact. These non-verbals telegraph we’re competent contributors. Respect is earned, not given; but we can act like we expect it. We need to pay attention to women beginning employment with our companies and actively advocate for them. We should be creative, innovative, and collaborative in forming sisterhoods in our organizations. We rise and fall together.

Do you have any suggestions how women can develop leadership presence? Please share them in the comments section below.

We Just Disagree

When you put two or more human beings in a room together, it won’t be long until they find something to disagree about. Throw in a complicated project for a demanding client that takes weeks to deliver and you have a recipe for major conflict to erupt. It’s not a question of if you have conflict with your coworkers, but when. Here are three ways to manage it.

1. Rip off the Band-Aid

Conflict is like a wound. If left untreated, it can get infected and hurt the whole team. Going to the source and clearing the air as soon as you recognize conflict keeps it from spreading. When I feel like a coworker’s vibe toward me is negative, in private, I ask if I’ve unwittingly offended him. Sometimes, I’m the one who feels offended, but I still go to the person I feel has offended me. Often conflict is a result of miscommunication, so the first thing I do is listen to his issue. I try to ignore any emotion either one of us is feeling and concentrate on the words he’s saying. Then I reflect back to him what he said in the form of a question, “You’re stumbling over _____ because _____. Is that right?” If I’ve offended him, I apologize. If he offended me, I forget about blame and I don’t expect an apology. I can’t change his personality, but I can ask him to modify his behavior. If the situation is a misunderstanding, my coworker now knows I’m not afraid of conflict and I’m willing to deal with the source instead of gossiping to the rest of the team.

2. You need to calm down

If a coworker gets angry, talks sarcastically, or raises his voice, I do the opposite. I control my non-verbals: uncross my arms, put on a poker face, and speak in a soft tone. It can feel like an attack, but another person’s opinion of my decision is only his opinion. Just because he’s mad doesn’t mean he’s right. He’s not open to the possibility of being wrong when he’s mad, so I refrain from pointing out flawed logic while he’s venting. Why he feels so strongly about a perceived slight could have absolutely nothing to do with me. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

3. Find the yes

There’s more than one way to bake a cake, everyone wants to do it their own way, and sometimes they are very vocal about it. What I need to find is a solution everyone can live with (not necessarily agree on) so we can have cake; er, I mean, a deliverable. When a discussion gets heated, I throw water on the fire instead of gasoline. I try to find either common ground, something positive they did to further this project, or something we agreed on in the past in order to build a compromise.

Conflict is inevitable. When we learn to perceive it as data to be analyzed and interpreted we can mitigate it more quickly.

Do you have a favorite strategy to manage conflict with your coworkers? Please share your tips in the comment section below.

Like Jogging in Three Feet of Water

Being busy is like jogging in three feet of water. We’re working hard, but not getting anywhere. When interpreted, busy usually means we just don’t:

Prioritize
Have the guts to say no
Want to do what needs done
Plan ahead
Want others to not like us if we say no

I’m guilty of all these things. Here’s what I learned.

Prioritize – I make a to-do list then don’t stop to think if the way I’m doing it is the best way to do it. Confused? Me too. (You’re imagining a caged hamster running on a wheel right now, aren’t you?) I prioritize tasks at the beginning of a work project. I seldom revise my list. Who has time to stop momentum for reflection? But reevaluating to-do lists weekly makes time to accommodate unexpected challenges that inevitably arise. This allows me to inject margin into my schedule, which is a big stress reliever.

Be brave – When I stop, observe, question, and listen, I have a better chance of putting all the pieces of the why-I’m-so-busy puzzle together. Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t like the picture the puzzle makes. At that point, I have to ask myself hard questions and answer them honestly: Why is this project so difficult? What can I do differently to achieve the results I want? Is it a big change? Do I need help? Courage to admit I don’t have all the answers can mobilize the team to push the project closer to completion.

Don’t be lazy – Google says the definition of busy is: “having a great deal to do or keep occupied” implying what we’re doing is important. What am I occupying my time with? Chatting with coworkers in the break room? I should be honest when I need a break, but I shouldn’t call it busyness and use it as an excuse to not return email.

Templates are my friends – Sometimes I can’t achieve my goal through sheer force of will. E.g., I can’t force people to buy my company’s service. What I can do is figure out the best plan to connect with potential partners by asking: How can I identify decision makers? How can I make them comfortable enough to tell me what their operational challenges are? How does what we offer relieve the pain points of their business? These questions are a universal roadmap I can follow to help any business.

Other people’s opinions – I once had a demanding coworker with a perpetual list of busy work she expected me to handle for her. Not all of her requests were out of line, but the way she requested them often was. I wanted her to like me, but not if it meant doing parts of her job for her. If it was a task she could do herself, I encouraged and empowered her to do it. (E.g.,“Oh, you need to send a package? Remember to fill out an expense report. You can get reimbursed for both shipping and mileage!”)

Saying I’m busy no longer makes me sound important, it makes me sound like I can’t handle my life.

Under what circumstances do you feel compelled to fall back on the “I’m busy” excuse? Please share in the comments section.