Emotional Intelligence – Page 6

Dirty Glasses

I can’t tell when my glasses get dirty. At some point, my vision gets clouded and I’m unaware of it. Smudged spectacles give me a false perception of reality. “Wait, that’s not a pile of dirt in the middle of the road, that’s a speck of dust on my glasses!” One minute I’m blissfully ignorant and the next I can see all the stuff coating my lenses: dog nose prints, eye lashes, dried hair spray droplets, etc. I should clean them every day, but I don’t. Just like my lenses collect grit and grime, so does my work life. I let my good habits slide, I ignore my bad ones, I rationalize my lazy behavior, perhaps throw myself a wee pity party, and before I know it, I’m in trouble. So, I have to stop and “clean my glasses.”

When I realize I’ve made a mistake, the first thing I do is figure out how I created this big mess. For example: Recently, I had a bad glucose test result.

Why? I miscalculated the number of carbohydrates in the serving of chicken enchiladas I ate.
How? I talked myself into believing the serving size was safe because I wanted to eat the yummy chicken enchiladas.
Now what? After the pity party, I buckle down. No chicken enchiladas for a while and the next time I make them, omit the tortillas.

I use this same pattern to recover after a mistake at work. For example: I ignored the auto-generated emails from the company’s ERP notifying me of undone tasks because I was pretty sure I did them and documented them, plus the ERP was famous for sending erroneous automated you-have-a-task-awaiting-you emails. I finally got a minute to recheck my documentation against the ignored messages and discovered an error on my part. How did I fix this? I asked myself the chicken enchilada questions:

Q: Why did I make the mistake?A: Overconfidence in my assumptions.
Q: How did I make the mistake? A: Quickly checking my documentation instead of paying attention.
Q: Now what? A: Do the tasks and set up a process for paying closer attention to comparing the tasks to my documentation.

Sometimes I need help cleaning my glasses. My mom says my dad is the best glasses cleaner she knows. Every time I’m at their house, I ask him to clean them. Sometimes at work I need help from someone I trust to be honest with me, in order to help me progress; more an accountability partner than a mentor. For example: A coworker who sees me surfing my social media during the time I’m usually making client calls and asks me about it; and who would appreciate my doing the same for her. Performance reviews are great for preventing long term crashing and burning. But for ensuring I’m on the right track before I talk myself into “eating the enchiladas,” an accountability partner is great for helping me “clean my glasses.”

Do you have an accountability partner at work? Please share how you help each other in the comments below.

All by Myself

I recently attended a symposium for work. Alone. This introvert was terrified. My face flushed, my eyes darted around the banquet room, my hands shook; to look at me, you’d thought I was being chased by Freddy Krueger. “This is ridiculous,” I told myself. “You are a grown woman. Snap out of it!” Do you feel the same? Do you attend networking events solo? Here are three things I did to make myself feel (a little) more comfortable:

Loners – Surveying the room, everyone I saw had a companion. I looked for a table in the center of the room, where I could face the podium without turning my chair around, with no other tables between it and the beverage tables, and with one other person sitting at it, preferably a lone female like me. (Not that I’m picky or anything.) I found the situation I was looking for and approached the lone female. She just happened to be the organizer. At first, it was a good thing because it gave me a topic of conversation (“Oh, you’re Jane? You’re the one sending the helpful emails?”), but soon she was distracted by all the details she had to handle. She also attracted a couple of out-of-town participants who ended up sitting at our table for six, and now the three of them had business to discuss. Two other women sat with us, but they were from the same company and immediately started talking shop. If you don’t see a familiar face when you walk in the room, I recommend going to the refreshment table and listening to the conversations while you pick up food and/or a beverage. See if you can discover someone else who is attending alone, or people who are talking about something you’re interested in. Try to keep the conversation going and gravitate to a table with them. On arrival, ask if they expect anyone else. If they aren’t, sit down. People usually won’t be so rude as to ask you to leave.

Speechify – I’m new at my company, so I don’t have a good elevator speech yet. I tried my latest version on my table mates. When they asked me questions, it gave me the opportunity to hone it. Their questions revealed where the speech was weak and allowed me to revise it for the next delivery. It also gave me an opportunity to ask them for theirs to see if I could incorporate any of their style into mine.

Commonality – I looked for common ground. It was brutally cold that day and an impending polar vortex was headlining, so talking about the weather was a no-brainer. One of my table mates got on her phone and made transportation arrangements to dance class for her daughter, so asking her about her children was obvious. Another table mate had a Louis Vuitton tote, so complimenting her on it was easy. I also asked follow up questions. When they talked about the suspicious chicken salad at lunch, I asked one of my table mates for her chicken salad recipe. When my husband texted me a funny meme featuring a dog, I asked my table mates if they liked dogs and showed it to them.

I lived through the event and congratulated myself for hiding my social awkwardness for eight hours. I have another one coming up. If you have any suggestions for me, please leave a comment below!

Realistic Resolutions

Every December 26, health clubs, grocery stores, and sports equipment retailers pull out the “New Year, New You!” hooey. First of all, stop pressuring me to make New Year’s resolutions. They’re clichéd and can even be harmful. Who hasn’t resolved to lose weight then used it as an excuse to overeat from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day? (“I can eat whatever I want now because I’m dieting come January 2.”) New Year’s resolutions encourage unreasonably high expectations. If you made one this year, it’s likely you’ve given up on it by now. And second: What’s wrong with the old me? (No comments, please. That was a rhetorical question.) Instead of the stop smoking, quit nail biting, new job January goals, how about resolving to:

Be Grateful – Find something daily to be grateful for by keeping a gratitude journal. Read more about that here. Keep it however you want: real paper, an app on your phone/tablet, whatever medium inspires you to keep coming back to it. I suggest pulling it out for a few minutes at the same time every day to write, doodle, copy and paste, or however you express your gratitude.

Read

Exercise Your Creativity – Pick up a new hobby: play an instrument, knit, paint, tai-chi, cook, learn a foreign language, goat yoga, Civil War re-enacting, something you’ve never done, but always wanted to do.

Read

Connect – Stay in touch with friends and/or family. Go beyond liking their Facebook posts. Go to a museum, a movie, or brunch together. Calendar time to check in face to face.

Read

Practice Kindness – Let people merge onto the highway in front of you, be punctual, don’t participate in office gossip, pay for the order behind you in the Starbuck’s drive-thru line.

Read

Volunteer – Your church, animal shelter, and women’s center need you. It’s good to be needed. When you help others you reduce your stress, ward off depression, and make friends. I’m not making this up. Here, I Googled it for you.

Read

Work on You – How about a new hair style? You don’t have to commit to anything, just browse online for the latest trends and see if there’s anything you like. Do you need to change your eating habits? Get a cookbook from the library featuring low fat, low carbohydrates, high vegetables, and high fiber recipes. Does your wardrobe need updating? Go through your closet and donate anything you haven’t worn in two years. (Unless it’s that Def Leppard concert T-shirt you bought at the Hysteria Tour in 1987. Send that to me; please and thank you.) Then take that Christmas bonus and buy yourself a new outfit. Is your resume up to date? Check your contact information, experience, skills, and education sections to ensure they’re current.

Read – (When, when, when was I redundant?!) – If you aren’t a reader, you should be. It’s got all kinds of benefits. Read (LOL) about some here. If you need suggestions on what to read, check out my friend Susan’s 2018 List. She’s a high school English teacher in Atlanta, GA. I’m sure you’ll find something you like.

If you need to make a change, start now. Every day is an opportunity to grow. Forget the resolutions; instead, focus on setting S.M.A.R.T (Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely) goals for self-improvement. And remember, you don’t have to start any of these now. Your best year ever can start in March if you want it to, but why wait to do something that can make you feel good about yourself?

Please share your thoughts on New Year’s resolutions in the comments section below.

Kindness Is Good Business

I’m reading Adam Grant’s book, “Give and Take.” (Yes, it’s taken me five years to get to it. #beenkindabusyoverhere) It’s based on his research on why people succeed or fail in their professions. I was drawn to it because I’m increasingly convinced the paradigm for succeeding in business I learned (work hard, be so good at what you do they can’t ignore you, and take as much as you can get) is outdated. Social media makes the business world a small one. It’s such a key factor in employment that if all you do is take, word quickly gets around and no one wants to hire you nor work with you. So how can we succeed in business without really trying? Kindness. For me, here is what kindness means, what it doesn’t mean, and what I hope the results will be.

What it means: Creating win-win situations for both my clients and me. Businesses are made up of people. These people aren’t just my customers. They’re my friends, so I should treat them like it. Granted, they may not be my phone-call-at-four-in-the-morning friends, but they are my we-can-go-further-together-than-on-our-own friends. What does this look like in real life?

Asking questions and listening to the answers instead of forming responses in my head through the filter of “How do I make this work for me?”

Finding out what their goals are and how they want to reach them. Is there something I can do to help, even if it’s not a product or service I offer?

Paying attention to issues they have with my product or service. Conflict happens. I can use the opportunity to provide excellent customer service and strengthen the relationship.

Self-effacing. Not only do I have to be okay with not getting credit for my ideas, but also not mind if I’m giving more than I’m getting from the transaction.

Kindness means being available, staying genuinely interested in the health of the client’s business, and proving that I care.

What it doesn’t mean: Being a pushover. Learning how to politely say, “No, my product/service is not free. I won’t give it away just to keep your business and you probably wouldn’t want it, trust it, or find value in it if it was free.” Kindness doesn’t mean nice guys finish last. Helping others whether or not I benefit from the situation doesn’t mean I can’t have personal success. My clients don’t have to suffer in order for me to benefit. In fact, customers are attracted by generosity and tell their colleagues about it. Kindness is contagious. It takes time to pay off, but business is a marathon not a sprint.

Results: When I demonstrate that my client’s success is my success, I get customer retention and referrals. Kindness grows exponentially. It not only leads to more kindness, but also manifests itself in creativity, trust, enthusiasm, patience, and goodwill. As a pleasant side effect, these qualities bleed over into my personal life. Need any more reasons why you should be kind? Be kind because you can.

Please share your stories of how using kindness as a business strategy works for you in the comments section below.

Boss? Friend? Both?

49% of American workers consider their manager a friend. If you job hunt on social media, plenty of your friends know you’re looking, and that’s the point of networking, right? So it’s possible at some point in your career, you’ll work for someone who is your friend. Here are five things you can do to keep both your friend and your job.

Before You Accept the Offer – Go to lunch and have an honest chat. Ask her what she thinks the pros and cons of working together will be. Does she have any hesitations? Is she worried about possible uncomfortable scenarios? Are you? Now is the time to find out. Ask the tough questions: “Will I be the ‘teacher’s pet’?” “Will you be harder on me than on the rest of the team just so it won’t look like I’m the teacher’s pet?” If you take the job, you’ve set a precedent for honest communication.

Grow Thick Skin – Your friend has friends at the office. They may go to lunch or happy hour and not invite you. They have inside jokes. You have to decide whether it’s appropriate to join in or ignore them. If your new coworkers know you and your manager are friends, they may exhibit possessive behavior to see how you’ll react. Practice your poker face and find common ground on which to bond with the whole team.

Intentional Communication – Expectations change and so do boundaries. Meet with your manager at regular intervals (Weekly? Twice a month? Whatever is necessary for clear communication) to clarify hers. For example: When a deadline looms, does she expect the team to work overtime or just the project lead? Or, does everyone take turns covering the switchboard during lunch?

Don’t Take Advantage – If you’ve been friends for years, you know what her hot buttons are. She knows yours too. Just because you know what buttons to push does not mean you should push them. You may get what you want right now, but hurt yourself in the long run. For example: If you feel strongly about a project’s objective, do you know how far to push your opinion without undermining her authority in front of the team? Lay down ground rules for fighting fair before any disagreements pop up.

Beware of Too Much Togetherness – Does she text you at night for status reports? Don’t answer after hours. Does happy hour turn into a briefing on the PowerPoint presentation you’re starting tomorrow? Stop going out for drinks after work. Be selective about how much time you spend together outside of the office and what you do. For example: If you go to a movie together, you select which movie to see or at least where it’s showing. Occasionally take the lead in your friendship, otherwise you’ll fall into the same pattern you have at the office.

Have you ever worked for a friend? What was your experience like? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Auld Lang Syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
 and never brought to mind?
 Should old acquaintance be forgot,
 and old lang syne?
CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
By Robert Burns 1788

Is Auld Lang Syne stuck in your head too? It’s okay. It’s just once a year. As Grammy used to say, “This too shall pass.” As 2018 passes into history and we wax nostalgic, here’s my Top Ten List of things I hope you’ll remember:

You have plenty to be thankful for – At the very least, you can read; 2,620,710 Americans can’t.

What makes you different is your super power – The pressure to fit in is strong and wrong. Embrace what makes you unique.

You have more influence than you think you do – Use that super power for good not evil.

Kindness is always the right thing to do – People won’t always appreciate it, but do it anyway.

Learn from the past – Every year is filled with ups and downs like a roller coaster. It’s the downs that tend to come to mind first. Don’t dwell on them.

Look to the future – Use what you didn’t like about 2018 to inspire your 2019 goals.

Make wise choices – You reap what you sow; both good and bad. Choose to sow good things even when it’s hard because good decisions lead to good opportunities.

Ignore the haters – When your critics push you toward depression and negativity (notice I wrote When and not If), turn away.

Focus on the positive – You have to train your mind to see the good in every situation, it won’t drift there automatically. Here’s a start: “Some people grumble the roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr.

It’s good to have hope – It’s the only thing stronger than fear. Hang onto it. Remind yourself that tomorrow can be better than today and you have the power to make it so.

This is my blog’s one year anniversary. Thank you so much for your kind attention in 2018! I look forward to continuing our conversations in 2019, and I trust you will make it your best year ever!

Are there topics you’d like to discuss in 2019? Tell me about them here:

Dealing With a Difficult Boss

I had a manager who labeled me with an unflattering nickname. I asked him to stop. He didn’t. He referred to me by this name at the end of a staff meeting once. Only one other person thought it was funny. Unfortunately, that person was also my supervisor. The nickname is just one example of how he treated me. He was one of my managers for over a year. I dreaded going to work, but I needed the employment. Are you in the same boat? What do you do when you have a difficult boss, but can’t quit your job? Here’s what I did:

I Documented EVERYTHING – For example: one Saturday, on my only day off, he texted me at 6:00AM for something that was not an emergency. Not only did I ignore him, I screenshot the time stamped message. I wrote down times and dates and witnesses of our strained conversations. I kept copies of documents that proved what I had done and when I had done it. I looked for male allies because traditionally in that industry when a female employee conflicted with a male manager, she was the one let go. I did not text, email, or put anything in writing that could possibly be misinterpreted. Just because I was paranoid didn’t mean he wasn’t out to get me.

I Did Not Involve Others – I didn’t gossip or complain to sympathetic coworkers. I saved my drama for my mama. (Sorry Mom. Thanks!) I observed the chain of command. I went to this manager with pertinent concerns and questions. I chose my battles carefully. I restrained myself from insubordination. It was uncomfortable, but when he went low, I went high.

I Stood My Ground. Politely – I was not confrontational, but I looked him in the eye when he was. For example: When he lectured me for half an hour then asked why a task he gave me was not completed, I suggested we schedule a regular weekly meeting as well as a daily quiet hour so I could efficiently work on his task list. I requested guidelines for my responsibilities and prioritized tasks accordingly.

I Used My Resources – Eventually, I went to the organization’s HR department, asked for their definition of harassment, and found out what my options were. I identified people whom I wanted as references in my job search. I updated my resume. I took my vacation days to interview for a new position.

Long story, short: My manager lost his job and I kept mine. My documentation and witnesses saved me. I found a wonderful company that offered great pay, benefits, and working environment and I worked for them for several years. Are you currently working for a difficult boss? Don’t give up! Tell me about it here:

Trial or Tool?

You walk into the office on Wednesday morning to discover the team member you hired two weeks ago, quit without notice. The disasters this causes start running through your head: loss of revenue, production, etc. Now, instead of attacking your end of month to-do list, you have to do all the company’s termination tasks, get the ball rolling to hire a replacement, and make arrangements to cover all the former employee’s responsibilities. Even if this example doesn’t apply to you, you frequently face crises at work. When one happens, do you see it as a trial or a tool? The way you choose to look at the problem is crucial to your solving it. Here are three ways to turn obstacles into opportunities.

Don’t Panic: Stop. Take a deep breath. Write down everything you’re thinking so you can get the negative thoughts out of your head to make room for thoughts that will help you solve the problem. Circumstances are like clay, not a brick wall. You can mold them. What you currently think of as “rules” to handling your situation, didn’t always exist. Someone had to come up with the idea, do it over and over again, pass it on to someone else on the team, and now it’s just the way things are done. You are perfectly capable of coming up with another way to overcome the obstacle, and when you do, you’ll be the office hero.

Adjust Your Attitude: Don’t whine and wallow. Okay, maybe for five minutes, but then get over the emotion that tells you the situation isn’t fair. You need all your energy to focus on thinking clearly, communicating what needs done, and solving the problem. Problem solving is easier when you’re confident you can do it. When setbacks happen, tell yourself: “Well, here are the things we know don’t work.” Celebrate the baby steps that move you forward. You can build on small wins and snowball them into progress. Ever trained a puppy? When he did something you wanted him to do, like sit, you gave him a treat. When you told him to sit and he wouldn’t, you didn’t give him the treat. Do the same thing with yourself. When you accomplish something that moves you toward resolution, reward yourself. It can be something small, like a walk around the building or something bigger, like lunch out with a friend.

Make This Work for You: What can you learn from this situation? Whom in the office are your allies? Who are your enemies? Who are your frienemies? When the team is under pressure, you can quickly spot who is in your corner and who isn’t. Tuck this knowledge away for future reference. What progress can you document for your next performance review? How can you stand out in a good way? Does your boss have your back? Does your boss have your front? For example, when reporting to the company she says something like, “Yes this puts us behind schedule, but here is what Susan is doing to rectify that…” Take this opportunity to listen to chatty, stressed out team members. Practice your emotional intelligence and hear what they have to say without judgement. Silently wade though their emotions and evaluate whether or not their points are valid. Is there a way to incorporate their ideas into a solution? Encourage your team to not give up. All these things demonstrate your developing leadership skills.

The problem that seemed insurmountable on Wednesday can look a lot more surmountable by Friday, if you perceive roadblocks as fuel for success. You can do this!

Please share your stories of turning obstacles into opportunities here:

The Hard Way

Have you noticed that the skills you learned the hard way are the ones you remember best? Setting boundaries, creating margin, and disregarding toxic people’s opinions, are skills I learned through situations like my parents divorce, being the only female on my commercial production team, and working for a supervisor who only hired me to be his scapegoat. Through these experiences, I learned to adapt and be nimble. I was forced to discover my limits and figure out what to do when I reached them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pollyanna. I’m a pirate. I’ve learned, and continue to practice, turning hardships over, around, and upside down looking for opportunity in the adversity in order to survive it. One of the ways I do this is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude is not a luxury for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it. I hope some of the things I do will work for you too.

Journal: Every morning I write down at least one thing in my gratitude journal that I’m thankful for from the previous day. I try not to be snarky. Statements like, “I’m grateful my gossipy coworker called in sick,” are not allowed. I mentioned my gratitude journal in an earlier post. Read more about it here.

Give: When it comes to money, I’m a saver. I tend to hold on to it too tightly. When I begin to resemble Ebenezer Scrooge, I look for ways to give some of it away anonymously. Gratitude reminds me to be thankful that since I have enough money to meet my needs, I can afford to give some of it away. For example: Paying the bill of the person behind me in the Starbucks drive thru line.

Serve: Serving doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind me at the Post Office, chatting with a lonely store owner during my canvassing, and letting someone with fewer items than me cut in the grocery store line. Gratitude reminds me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem and I don’t have to be another one.

So how have these three practices helped me in my career? When I’m in a difficult situation, gratitude reminds me that it’s temporary. As my grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” Remembering this helps me to relax and that vibe often attracts new connections. Luck is not only preparation meeting opportunity, it’s having an open mind and generous attitude. Networking is much easier if I’m genuinely interested in getting to know a person instead of just finding out what she can do for me. Gratitude helps me see light in dark circumstances. When I can see light at the end of a tunnel, I know what direction to head. I can formulate a plan to get around the obstacles in the tunnel and reach that light. Like when I have a project deadline looming and not enough crew, hours, or inventory to complete it, gratitude helps me focus on the fact that at least I have the project.

When work makes you feel small, stupid, sick, or stuck, practice gratitude. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Pay it forward because what goes around comes around. The love you take is equal to the love you make. These cliches are cliche because they are true. Gratitude is contagious. Go infect as many people as you can this week then tell me about it here:

Headaches! You Give me Headaches!

The words “people manager” have never been in any of my job descriptions, yet throughout my career, I’ve had to manage people, and you will too. We’ve already talked about dealing with Gossips, One-uppers, and Parade-rainers at the office. When these coworkers are in your space, you try to ignore them, but what about those high maintenance coworkers you don’t have the luxury of ignoring? I’m referring to coworkers who are integral to your project, or for whose work you are responsible, but have no authority over. Let’s call them: The Lazy, The Complainer, and The Spoiled. Through the years, I’ve identified them by some of the following traits.

The Lazy: She lacks a sense of urgency regarding a rapidly approaching hard deadline. She doesn’t take time to figure out what tasks are necessary to meet contracted goals. She breaks a spreadsheet because she didn’t pay attention during training. She neglects crucial follow up with customers. She says she’s going to close the deal, but lets it slip away. When she epically fails, this coworker falls back on the cliched excuses of not having enough time to do the job, and/or claims communicating with the manager is hard. Eventually, she’ll quit because it’s too much work (pun intended) and you’ll be left scrambling. Your solution: Wade through her extra words and emotions and find the core issue. Then, be careful how much you help her unless you want to do her job in addition to your own.

The Complainer: She complains about company policies: She is a non-exempt employee, but feels she should get paid for working over eight hours today even though tomorrow is a paid holiday. She complains about the client: Her territory is “too big” and she feels like she spends all day running up and down the highway. “Why can’t they schedule my appointments geographically closer together?” She complains about her coworkers: She is free to schedule her vacation any time she wants, but vents how she has sacrificed hers for the good of the project and no one else has. Your solution: Stay calm, it’s not personal. Listen once but don’t validate her opinion. Then, politely remind her she is in control of her own career and should communicate any concerns with her manager.

The Spoiled: She strives to have everything done her way and for her convenience. She says things like, “This is the Standard Operating Procedure on all the other projects I’ve worked on for this company. The project manager doesn’t understand how it should go.” She ignores the Scope Of Work and does the job the way she thinks it should be done. She wants all her questions answered immediately. For example: She wants all the tasks she needs from you done a week before they’re due because she is going on vacation. Your solution: It’s tricky because sometimes her needs are valid and it’s not WHAT she asks for, but HOW she asks for it. Take a minute to stop and think about how what she wants to do effects the project. Then, if it benefits the project, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t.

The common denominator of these three types of coworkers is they all want you to fix things for them. When they want something from you, ask yourself: Will what I do for them benefit the project?

Feel free to share your headaches here: