Emotional Intelligence – Page 4

We Just Disagree

When you put two or more human beings in a room together, it won’t be long until they find something to disagree about. Throw in a complicated project for a demanding client that takes weeks to deliver and you have a recipe for major conflict to erupt. It’s not a question of if you have conflict with your coworkers, but when. Here are three ways to manage it.

1. Rip off the Band-Aid

Conflict is like a wound. If left untreated, it can get infected and hurt the whole team. Going to the source and clearing the air as soon as you recognize conflict keeps it from spreading. When I feel like a coworker’s vibe toward me is negative, in private, I ask if I’ve unwittingly offended him. Sometimes, I’m the one who feels offended, but I still go to the person I feel has offended me. Often conflict is a result of miscommunication, so the first thing I do is listen to his issue. I try to ignore any emotion either one of us is feeling and concentrate on the words he’s saying. Then I reflect back to him what he said in the form of a question, “You’re stumbling over _____ because _____. Is that right?” If I’ve offended him, I apologize. If he offended me, I forget about blame and I don’t expect an apology. I can’t change his personality, but I can ask him to modify his behavior. If the situation is a misunderstanding, my coworker now knows I’m not afraid of conflict and I’m willing to deal with the source instead of gossiping to the rest of the team.

2. You need to calm down

If a coworker gets angry, talks sarcastically, or raises his voice, I do the opposite. I control my non-verbals: uncross my arms, put on a poker face, and speak in a soft tone. It can feel like an attack, but another person’s opinion of my decision is only his opinion. Just because he’s mad doesn’t mean he’s right. He’s not open to the possibility of being wrong when he’s mad, so I refrain from pointing out flawed logic while he’s venting. Why he feels so strongly about a perceived slight could have absolutely nothing to do with me. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

3. Find the yes

There’s more than one way to bake a cake, everyone wants to do it their own way, and sometimes they are very vocal about it. What I need to find is a solution everyone can live with (not necessarily agree on) so we can have cake; er, I mean, a deliverable. When a discussion gets heated, I throw water on the fire instead of gasoline. I try to find either common ground, something positive they did to further this project, or something we agreed on in the past in order to build a compromise.

Conflict is inevitable. When we learn to perceive it as data to be analyzed and interpreted we can mitigate it more quickly.

Do you have a favorite strategy to manage conflict with your coworkers? Please share your tips in the comment section below.

You May be a Leader

Time for a riddle:
What’s the difference between someone who is a leader and someone who is in charge?

Answer:
Leader = one who glues a team together and gets things done
Bureaucrat = one who is titled and officially in charge

Can this be the same person? Sure. Is it always? (That’s not a riddle.) If you don’t have a managerial title, how can you tell if you’re a leader?

Leadership is simply influence and everyone has it. You probably lead something or someone whether or not you recognize it as leadership. To find out, ask yourself these 10 questions.

1. Do I live in the future?

If you look two weeks down the road, plan two steps ahead, or see what currently exists and how it could be used to create something that doesn’t yet exist, you may be a leader.

2. Do I look at current processes and imagine how they could be improved?

When a coworker says, “But this is the way we’ve always done it.” If you say, “Yeah, but what if we can find a better way?” you may be a leader.

3. Do I communicate clearly?

If you can present the overview of how to achieve the project’s deliverable, as well as the steps necessary to create it, you may be a leader.

4. Do I collect people into teams?

If you identify coworkers who share your value system, solicit their opinions on your projects, invite collaboration, and facilitate partnership, you may be a leader.

5. Do I hate waste?

If you know a teammate has an underused ability that can enhance the project, and you appeal to their sense of purpose to focus it on accelerating the project, you may be a leader.

6. Do I reproduce myself?

If you teach teammates how to do what you do thereby sharing your power and encouraging them to find theirs, you may be a leader.

7. Do I connect people?

If you meet someone at a networking event and immediately think, “How can I help this person achieve her goals?” you may be a leader.

8. Do I eliminate obstacles?

If you know what action to take to keep the project moving toward completion and do it, if you ask for forgiveness instead of seeking approval, or if you think any decision is better than no decision, you may be a leader.

9. Do I make wise choices?

If you filter decisions through your company’s mission statement, you may be a leader.

10. Do I think more about others than about me?

If your main concern is advancing the project, even if it means a coworker will outshine you, you may be a leader.

The bureaucrat has the fancy title and big salary because he is held responsible for the team’s success. The leader has influence to achieve that success. If that person is not one and the same in your workplace, follow the leader.

Do you have managers in your office who aren’t leaders? Do you have managers in your office who are leaders? Please share your observations in the comments section.

There’s Nothing Holding Me Back

Do you compare yourself to others? How’s that workin’ out for ya? Most of us have an innate sense of competition. Your teammate reaching his sales goal while you struggle frustrates you. You’re jealous when a coworker receives a promotion and you don’t. But just because someone is winning doesn’t mean you’re losing. You can allow these circumstances to set the bar you pole vault over. Here are four things you can do to be your own competition.

Determine what success means to you. It will look different on you than on those to whom you compare yourself. Use your definition to filter your decisions, actions, and goals. For example, do you want a promotion? If your company thinks customer service is important, make sure you are giving your customers great service. When a customer compliments you on how you treated her, be proactive. Give her your manager’s email address and ask her to send your manager a brief note.

Write down your S.M.A.R.T. goals. It isn’t enough just to think about them. Track them weekly. At the end of the month, ask yourself: What went well? What didn’t? What could I have done differently? What action will I take to improve? This will help you maintain focus. When you get distracted from your goals, you get disoriented. This makes improvement and success both harder and slower to obtain. Develop habits that concentrate on your own path and no one else’s. At the end of the day ask yourself: Am I better today than I was yesterday? Did I stop a negative thought and replace it with a positive action step?

Have a conversation (over coffee, of course). Brainstorm with a confidante who doesn’t have your same job title. Someone outside your industry has a different perspective and sees possibilities you can’t. Even if what they suggest isn’t feasible for you, the point isn’t for them to give you a new business model, it’s to pull you out of the spin cycle in your head so you can think differently about your situation. I had coffee recently with a former coworker I’d not spoken to in about a year. Just by catching up we saw things in each other’s journeys that left us with new ways to approach our jobs.

Take a break. Does social media impact how you think of yourself? There is always going to be someone else with a bigger house, a nicer car, and a more exciting life. If their Instagram posts inspire you to push forward, great. But remember, those people are advertising their values and goals which are not necessarily the same as yours. You can’t generate momentum to reach your goals if your attention is diverted to someone else’s. Don’t compare yourself to other people living their best lives. If scrolling makes you miserable, close the apps for a while.

You are unique. Even with the same job title, you’re different from your coworker. You don’t have the same abilities, resources, obligations, motivations, or challenges. You are your biggest competition.

What adjustments do you make when you realize you’re the only one holding you back? Please share them in the comments section.

The Never-ending Workday

I love to work. I love relieving companies of the pain their current processes cause them. When I see a business operation that could be automated, I just want to get my hands on the workflow and clean it up. Consequently, I see room for improvement everywhere. It’s tough to turn that section of my brain off, but I need to recharge those creative thinking batteries. With devices and software that allow constant communication with coworkers, shorter and shorter deadlines, and the ability to work remotely, how do I know when to put my foot (and my laptop) down and pay attention to my personal life?

Boundaries – It’s not enough to set them; I have to protect them. For example, I try not to work weekends. Typically, my weekend starts at 4:00PM on Friday, so around 3:00PM, I start prepping for Monday. Do I have all the data I’ll need for Monday’s meetings? Do I have calls/emails to return before Monday? What follow up needs done first thing next week? But when a project comes up at 2:45PM and it’s due by noon on Monday, I have to bend my boundary. When working over the weekend, I set the timer on my phone and force myself to take breaks. If I need to communicate with a coworker, it’s email or phone calls scheduled around existing weekend plans. I also have to be patient with delayed communication because it’s the weekend for whomever I need to communicate with too.

Exercise – Elle Woods was right about endorphins. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I close my eyes and box breathe. Forcing my body to calm down eases my mind. We often treat exercise like it’s optional, but it needs to be habitual much like brushing our teeth. I walk on our treadmill every day, lift weights five times a week, and take weekly walks with my husband. These activities not only reduce my stress, but build up my immune system. I don’t let work interfere with these activities because doing something good for my body makes my brain more productive.

Get ruthless – When life feels out of control, I need to analyze why. Do I have toxic people in my life? Is social media wasting my time? Is binge watching Stranger Things interfering with my sleep? Are there tasks I can delegate? Then I have to make difficult decisions based on the answers. For example, after weekly staff meetings, a coworker wants to update me on office gossip. I can decide to politely excuse myself.

Needing to balance work and life implies that one (usually work) is bad and the other (usually life) is good. I believe the trick is to play to my strengths in both because when I do that, I love whatever I’m doing.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions on balancing work and life?

Undefeated

Photo by walking photographer from Pexels

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Frederick Maryat

As I mentioned last week, I do a lot of cold calling which means I get rejected. A lot. So the word resilience has been in my face lately. A lot. Merriam-Webster defines it as, “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” As usual, I have questions.

“It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Rocky Balboa

How do I get resilience? The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. Practice. As a woman in the workforce, I feel like I have plenty of opportunity to practice resiliency. From sexism (e.g. Since I’m the only woman in the meeting I must be the note taker, right?) To family responsibilities competing with work (e.g. leaving a day-long corporate meeting “early” (6:00PM) to volunteer at my daughter’s school event.). Every day seems to offer a chance to practice resiliency.

“Instead of letting your hardships and failures discourage or exhaust you, let them inspire you. Let them make you even hungrier to succeed.” Michelle Obama

Why is it important to cultivate? Because life is hard and stressful, yet we don’t assume it will be. We should be surprised when the Memorial Day tornadoes of 2019 happen, but we shouldn’t be surprised when our coworker tries to steal our lead. Again. We can’t predict all the problems life throws at us, but we can prepare our minds to process them, work through them, and maybe even use them to become stronger. When setbacks happen we can remind ourselves of our positive qualities, formulate a realistic plan to overcome the problem, manage our emotions, remain calm and breathe, think about communication and make it effective, and think of ourselves as survivors and not victims.

“You gotta get up and try, and try, and try” Pink

When I fail, how do I work through it? My best example of resiliency is our daughter flunking the road test for her driver’s license the first time she took it. There was much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth on the way home. As I selfishly thought how angry I was that I’d have to take yet another afternoon off work to let her try again, God thumped me on the head and said, “Ten years from now, it won’t matter that you took more time off work, but what you say in the next ten minutes will. Don’t screw it up.” I told her, “We’ll be home in five minutes, so you have five minutes to wallow in self-pity. Then, pick yourself up and decide what you’re going to do to fix this.” We were home about an hour when she told me she’d called a friend for consolation and found out she’d failed her first try too. She was angry enough to work on what flunked her and retake the test. My husband got off work to take her for the second try, and she passed.

Now, when I get knocked down, I follow her example: I wallow in self-pity for five minutes, talk to someone who knows what I went through, practice what I failed, then go back and try again. It works pretty well. Maybe you should give it a…try.

Please share your stories of resilience in the comments section.

It Depends

Over coffee, a friend asked how my new job was going. I told her my trainer is a former calculus teacher, so I’ve assumed the role of student in order to communicate. She said, “Isn’t it funny how we just do that? How we instinctively alter our personalities? When in Rome…” Which made me wonder, why do we do that? It’s beyond mimicking an arm crossing, leaning in to show non-verbal agreement, or any number of behaviors that help synch us as humans. This behavior actually has a name: situationism. It’s the theory that human behavior is determined by surrounding circumstances rather than by personal qualities. I started researching situationism and it made me wonder a few things.

Do women alter behavior more than men? I didn’t find a definitive answer in my queries. If you’re curious and go searching, please let me know what you find out. I found an interesting (and unsettling) article that counsels women how to communicate with men if they are the only female on a team. If there is demand for articles like this, (and I found far more articles for being the only woman on the team than for being the only man on the team, btw) it leads me to believe women do change our behavior more than men.

Could situationism be a contributing factor to the gender wage gap? This article says the causes of the gender wage gap are female under representation in executive positions, gender discrimination on the job, and socially enforced gender roles. In meetings I’m often the only female in the room. I use gentle persuasion and ask leading questions when I’m trying to prove a point or get the team to act on my ideas. I operate on the you-catch-more-flies-with-honey-than-with-vinegar theory, when what I really want to do is say, “Hey guys, here’s the plan.” This situationism means I’m participating in the socially enforced gender role of sensitive nurturer that keeps women out of leadership positions, but I don’t think I’d succeed as often if I tried to be more dominant.

Is situationism keeping women out of C-Suite positions? Female leadership style is typically leading by example and developing talent. Male leadership is typically more command and control. Women are expected to foster and cultivate which aren’t generally viewed as leadership qualities. Men tend to take charge and try to establish dominance. When women display the aforementioned male qualities, we are viewed negatively. Often as a result of these differences, women can be excluded from out of the office bonding moments, like on the golf course for example. Being left out of informal networking opportunities denies women the chance to connect with potential mentors and/or managers who can promote us.

My friend’s observation led me to some interesting speculations. Please check out the links I’ve provided and explore for yourself. I never thought about situationism before, but it explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Have you ever morphed your personality to better communicate with your coworkers? Please share your story in the comments section.

Happy (Step) Father’s Day!

I saw these words on a T-Shirt the other day: I’m not a stepfather. I’m the father that stepped up. It made me think about my relationship with my stepfather and the truth in that statement. You hear so many stories, like Ellen DeGeneres’s, of stepfathers hurting their wives’ kids, that my story with my stepfather reads like a fairy tale.

When Dad (that’s what I call my stepfather; he’s earned the title) married Mom, I was 13 years old and living with my biological father and his new family. When that didn’t work out, I moved in with Mom and Dad. Surprise! It’s an angst-ridden teenage girl! Lucky you! He’s a Vietnam War veteran who views challenges as invitations, so he dove right in the stepparent pool. I learned many things about work from him which you can read about here. He also has some catch phrases that help me in my career. Here are three.

You can’t over communicate. Once, when I was a teenager, Dad was to pick me up from an evening Spanish club field trip to Chi-Chi’s (remember those?). I assumed he’d pick me up at school, but instead, he went to the restaurant which was 10 miles away. After a hard day at work he was not pleased with the inconvenience of the extra driving and time spent searching for me. I learned to be more clear in giving instructions. I’m reminded of this when making arrangements for my team to meet with my clients’ teams. Do I have the who, what, when, where, why, and hows covered?

Trrrry it. You’ll liiiike it. He usually said this in reference to food, but it comes to mind when my boss gives me a project that overwhelms me. Just try. Just start. I pick the low hanging fruit first so that sense of accomplishment gives me confidence to figure out the next step. Then I take the next step, and the next one, and eventually the project is done.

Just jump in and help. This is actually how Kat Cole went from being a Hooters waitress to the President of Cinnabon. Bottom line for both Dad and Kat: when something needs done, do it. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s in your job description. In fact, it’s better if it’s not because 1) You learn a new skill. 2) You’re viewed by management as a utility player. 3) You earn the gratitude of the person or team you helped giving you the right to ask for their help in the future.

Dad is retired now, but he’s still parenting as well as teaching me lessons about work. As I write this, he texted asking if I’m okay. My car is in the shop so earlier today he drove 45 minutes to my office, picked me up, drove me 45 more minutes to a meeting downtown and left when I secured a ride back to the office with a coworker. His thoughtfulness reminds me I have some follow up emails to send.

Do you have a stepparent? Has he/she taught you lessons about employment? Please share them in the comments section.

You do You

Staying positive is hard. If you don’t intentionally protect your mind, you quickly get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking that can prevent you from achieving your goals. People have a habit of building each other up just to tear each other down in order to feel better about ourselves. When the world chips away at your self-esteem, try a couple of these:

“Don’t forget in the darkness what you learned in the light.” – Joseph Bayly – When you’re faced with a choice, you think about what you should do, deliberate with yourself and maybe a trusted colleague, plan how to proceed, and go. Then you hit a rough patch and second guess your decision. Why are you surprised when trouble brews? I have a T-Shirt with the Harry Potter quote, “I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.” Just because you encounter resistance doesn’t mean you chose poorly. Obstacles happen so resist giving up too soon. If you keep putting in the work, revise the plan when new information becomes available, and take a step to further the plan every day, you will eventually reach your goal.

Kick Imposter Syndrome to the curb – When you work hard, you deserve every accolade you receive. Stop listening to the voices telling you you’re not ready for your next career step, especially the ones in your head. Make a list of what you’re good at so you can refer to it when you doubt yourself. Need some ideas? What have your friends/coworkers/managers said you’re good at? If you agree, build your list from those. Use this list to come up with affirmations to tell yourself when you get discouraged. Play to your strengths, get good at them, and ignore the haters. Do your thing because what makes you different from everyone else is actually your super power.

Choose to learn from your critics – Criticism stings. Even if you’re expecting it (e.g., during a performance evaluation) and it’s delivered gently, it’s difficult to take the emotion out of the encounter. When you receive criticism (and you will), ask yourself: Is this person objective? Is her criticism constructive? Does she normally encourage as well as criticize? Does she have something to gain (or lose) by telling me this? Do you know more about the situation than she does? Does someone you trust agree with her assessment? If you deem the criticism as valid, then act on it. If not, then ignore it. If ignoring it isn’t an option, calmly prove your case with facts and figures to back it up. Disagreement with someone is an opportunity to learn from each other.

Sometimes we get grumpy slogging through both our expectations and other people’s expectations of us. To protect your mind:

Know yourself
Acknowledge your values and worldview, and respect those different from yours
Treat others the way you want to be treated
You do you.

How do you keep your mindset positive? Please share your tips in the comments section.

Boxed In

When anyone asks me how old I am, I reply, “I stopped keeping track at 30.” It feels a bit defensive, but once I’m labeled as of a certain age I’m immediately put in a certain box. I’m hyper-conscious I have two strikes against me in the American workforce: I’m a woman over 35 years old. It’s harder for my tribe to get potential employers’ attention with every passing day. Some of the children who were taught to help old ladies across the street and carry old men’s groceries to their cars have grown into adult hiring managers who label anyone with a touch of grey hair as weak, forgetful, and when they’re your employees, expensive. Three examples come to mind:

1) People are considered elderly at 65 years old, but the full retirement age in America is 67. Rumor has it the retirement age will be raised to 70 pretty soon, so there are plenty of people who need to work for at least three more years and be carried on their employers’ insurance policies. These employees typically use more insurance benefits than their younger coworkers, raising the cost of premiums for all employees. But there are loads of healthy older employees positively contributing to their organization’s bottom line thanks to adopting healthy lifestyles, preventative medicine, and a mindset of perpetual learning; especially about emerging technology. We should be judged on our contributions and considered for the same opportunities as anyone else.

2) The general assumption is older workers require a higher wage. This seems to be especially apparent in the tech sector. Dan Lyons recounts his experience of getting laid off in his book, Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Startup Bubble. He was informed the company could use his salary to hire five kids out of college. But if the company is full of recent graduates, who has the experience and wisdom to guide the team? Where are the mentors? The Subject Matter Experts? These are the people who, when crisis hits, fall back on their training to carry the team and save projects. With the growing interest in encore careers, workers in their 40’s and 50’s are making more lateral moves in terms of salary. We consider benefits like flex-time, working remotely, paid time off to volunteer, and employer paid higher education, at least as important as wages when negotiating a compensation package.

3) Ageism affects everyone. We assume we’re talking about older workers, but remember when you were considered too young to do something? Like rent a car at 22 years old? If we have to be 25-35 years old to be employable in America, we’re headed for an economic crisis. Ageism comes from inside an organization. It’s systematic and terrifying.

We’ll all be in boxes eventually. Cemeteries are full of them. Can we please be judged on our accomplishments and character instead of our statistical potential to drain the company’s resources? How do we combat ageism in our companies without getting fired? I’d love to see your opinions in the comments section.

What’s it all for?

Captain Herschel L. Smith Photo Credit to the owner

Memorial Day is a holiday dedicated to honor those who died while serving in military service to America. It always reminds me of my Grandpa, Herschel L. Smith. Although, he didn’t die in the line of duty (Thank You, Lord), so I don’t know why Memorial Day makes me think of him. He served as a Captain in the U.S. Army Air Corps and piloted B-24 Liberators during WWII. His plane was shot down over Germany. As the enemy moved in to take his crew captive, he told his men, “We’re going to win the war. We’re just not gonna win it today.” And for the next 11 months they were POWs. He had a purpose: to keep hope alive in his team. Through the filter of winning a war, decision making gets simple; not easy, but straightforward. We benefit from our military personnel’s sacrifices to maintain our freedom. So what are we doing with this privilege? What is my purpose? What is yours?

Make time to find your purpose. Here is an article to help. Finding your purpose may take a while, but it’s a wise investment. Making decisions through the filter of purpose causes wise choices to be more obvious and simplifies the process. For example: If you are in sales (spoiler alert: everyone is in sales), your purpose is to help your customers. You want to provide them with a product or service they need at a price they can afford. When you approach a potential customer with that mindset, your instinct is to ask them what their pain points are. When you learn the obstacles they face, it helps you figure out how to fix their problems with your product or service.

Experiment. Have you always wanted to do something, but never had time: Gourmet cooking? Coding? Story telling? You’ll never just have time. You have to make time. Jump in and take a class. Or, are you really good at something? Get yourself a YouTube channel and teach others what you know. Do you love dogs? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Do you want to make a difference in a young person’s life? Mentor.

Remember you have more than one. You bring one purpose to your partner. You bring a different purpose to your first child and a different purpose to each subsequent child. You bring a purpose to your mom and a different purpose to your dad and a different purpose to your bestie. You may bring multiple purposes to your job, church, school, intramural team, book club, etc.

It can evolve over time. When our daughter was little, my purpose as a mom was to guide and protect. Now that she’s an adult it’s to encourage and support.

In closing, I salute Captain Herschel L. Smith with some of his favorite words:
By the world I was soon forgotten
No one has mourned for me
as over the world I have wandered
across the boundless sea
So drink to me again boys through the midst of crocodile tears
for when I’m gone no one will mourn
the last of the bombardiers

Please share how your journey to finding your purpose is going in the comments section.