Mardi Humphreys

Present Pressure

One of the biggest elements of the holiday season is gift giving. When it comes to work, under what circumstances should you give presents? As for coworkers, I address that subject in my latest article for Fairygodboss, but what about the other people in your work life?

Holiday gifts are an opportunity to remind clients and contractors of the goals we achieved together over the past year. I try to deepen the relationships, but I keep the gifts shallow; in other words, not overly personal. You won’t receive a tie or perfume from me. You may, however, receive a subtly (think watermark) company branded cell phone wallet or journal. I want my receivers to remember me fondly, not feel like they’re walking advertisements for my employer. If I know my receiver well enough to know their interests (or if they have an assistant I can ask), a personal gift is the way to go. But if I don’t, I go local. For example: I live in Dayton, Ohio and am blessed to have access to Dayton specific gifts appropriate for business giving: Bill’s Donuts, Esther Price candy, anything from Dorothy Lane Market’s bakery, gift certificates to Marion’s Pizza or Carillon Park, etc. Plenty of companies have rules about employees accepting gifts including dollar limits (IE: they can’t accept gifts worth more than $25). If I don’t know what the rules are, I check with their HR department. I had a customer for whom receiving gifts was against company policy. I took him a dozen cookies from a local bakery so he and his staff could eat the evidence. I stay away from humorous gifts unless I know my receiver REALLY well because senses of humor vary greatly. A gift doesn’t have to be a physical object. Here are three things you could give that don’t go under a Christmas tree:

Words: Amplify their blog posts, like their pictures on social media, endorse them on Linkedin, share articles they write, leave positive comments on their websites. Write a nice review on their company Facebook page, be intentional with kind words. When our daughter accepted a position pending graduation, she announced it on social media. She not only expressed her excitement at the job, but also thanked the university that helped her get the job. Her post implies if you attend this university, you could get a job after graduation. Her testimonial is a gift because the university promotes post-graduation employment in their recruiting.

Service: Everyone is going through something – offer to help. Be value added. Serve their needs. I had a customer who didn’t want to participate in my program because it required her to notify hundreds of people. I created a document she could email and distribute. It sealed the deal. I saved it as a template and offered it to all my customers after that. Providing extra customer service distinguishes you from your competitors. If you make your customers’ lives easier, they want to keep you around.

Generosity: Go beyond a thank-you-for-your-business-this-year email. Donate to their favorite cause. It gives you an opportunity for follow up. Or, even better, volunteer at their favorite charity alongside them. It gives you an opportunity to bond. Be generous, but not extravagant; that can get real creepy real fast. Don’t expect a gift in return. If you do receive a gift, be gracious even if you don’t like it and be sure to send a thank you note; preferably hand written and sent snail mail. Gift giving can be tricky, but let common sense, kindness, and authenticity be your guides. Share your business gift giving suggestions here and Happy Holidays!

Dealing With a Difficult Boss

I had a manager who labeled me with an unflattering nickname. I asked him to stop. He didn’t. He referred to me by this name at the end of a staff meeting once. Only one other person thought it was funny. Unfortunately, that person was also my supervisor. The nickname is just one example of how he treated me. He was one of my managers for over a year. I dreaded going to work, but I needed the employment. Are you in the same boat? What do you do when you have a difficult boss, but can’t quit your job? Here’s what I did:

I Documented EVERYTHING – For example: one Saturday, on my only day off, he texted me at 6:00AM for something that was not an emergency. Not only did I ignore him, I screenshot the time stamped message. I wrote down times and dates and witnesses of our strained conversations. I kept copies of documents that proved what I had done and when I had done it. I looked for male allies because traditionally in that industry when a female employee conflicted with a male manager, she was the one let go. I did not text, email, or put anything in writing that could possibly be misinterpreted. Just because I was paranoid didn’t mean he wasn’t out to get me.

I Did Not Involve Others – I didn’t gossip or complain to sympathetic coworkers. I saved my drama for my mama. (Sorry Mom. Thanks!) I observed the chain of command. I went to this manager with pertinent concerns and questions. I chose my battles carefully. I restrained myself from insubordination. It was uncomfortable, but when he went low, I went high.

I Stood My Ground. Politely – I was not confrontational, but I looked him in the eye when he was. For example: When he lectured me for half an hour then asked why a task he gave me was not completed, I suggested we schedule a regular weekly meeting as well as a daily quiet hour so I could efficiently work on his task list. I requested guidelines for my responsibilities and prioritized tasks accordingly.

I Used My Resources – Eventually, I went to the organization’s HR department, asked for their definition of harassment, and found out what my options were. I identified people whom I wanted as references in my job search. I updated my resume. I took my vacation days to interview for a new position.

Long story, short: My manager lost his job and I kept mine. My documentation and witnesses saved me. I found a wonderful company that offered great pay, benefits, and working environment and I worked for them for several years. Are you currently working for a difficult boss? Don’t give up! Tell me about it here:

(White) Christmas Break

Everyone needs a break from work now and then, so this week let’s talk about our favorite Christmas movies. My favorite is “Elf”, but a very close second is White Christmas. Every December I think, “This is the year I’ll get tired of watching White Christmas.” And every year – “Nah.” In fact, sometimes I watch it in July too. Why is it so appealing? It’s a long movie by today’s standards clocking in at two hours and twenty minutes, and it doesn’t have any special effects to keep your attention. Although, it was the first film shot in VistaVision and when you throw in Technicolor and Edith Head’s costume design, it produces some special effects (vivid colors, sweeping scenery for the dance numbers, etc.). I realize I’m not the only one in love with this movie. Back in 1954 when it was released, it was one of the top earning films that year grossing $12 million which was a haul back then. It came in as the second highest grossing movie that year (Citizen Cane came in first). Why do we love it so much?

Is it the characters? The main characters are easy to identify with and every year I feel like a different one. Bob Wallace: Who hasn’t owed someone a favor and keeps repaying it over and over again? Phil Davis: Who doesn’t want their ideas and hard work to succeed? Betty Haynes: Who hasn’t felt responsible for another person’s happiness? Judy Haynes: Who hasn’t wanted to get out from under someone else’s authority?

Is it the music? Two words: Irving Berlin. Last year, a local independent movie theater in the town where I live hosted a sing along version of the movie the second weekend in December. If you ever get a chance to go to one of these, do it. That black dress Rosemary Clooney wore for the Carousel Club scene makes me want to dress up and go to the theater a la Rocky Horror. Grab a baby blue ostrich fan and join me! Singing “Snow” with a theater full of people (it didn’t matter that none of us could win “The Voice”) was practically a religious experience.

Is it the chemistry? The actors seem to genuinely like each other and are having a blast. Did you know the scene where Wallace and Davis “dress up like dames” and lip sync the Haynes sisters’ famous “Sisters” number was not in the original script? Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were just messing around and the director (Michael Curtiz) thought it was so funny that he wrote it into the script.

Is it the story? It’s a simple one, really; with elements like patriotism, friendship, and kindness. Wallace and Davis argue, but they don’t leave the argument unsettled. The Haynes sisters make up quickly after Judy’s deception of a fake engagement to Phil. Both my grandfathers fought in WWII and one was a POW for 11 months, so the General Waverly storyline gets me right in the feels every time. Especially when his granddaughter, Susan, sees him coming down the stairs to go to the show in his dress uniform.

During this busy holiday season, watching a Christmas movie is a great way to practice self care. So take a well deserved break, then tell me about your favorite here:

Trial or Tool?

You walk into the office on Wednesday morning to discover the team member you hired two weeks ago, quit without notice. The disasters this causes start running through your head: loss of revenue, production, etc. Now, instead of attacking your end of month to-do list, you have to do all the company’s termination tasks, get the ball rolling to hire a replacement, and make arrangements to cover all the former employee’s responsibilities. Even if this example doesn’t apply to you, you frequently face crises at work. When one happens, do you see it as a trial or a tool? The way you choose to look at the problem is crucial to your solving it. Here are three ways to turn obstacles into opportunities.

Don’t Panic: Stop. Take a deep breath. Write down everything you’re thinking so you can get the negative thoughts out of your head to make room for thoughts that will help you solve the problem. Circumstances are like clay, not a brick wall. You can mold them. What you currently think of as “rules” to handling your situation, didn’t always exist. Someone had to come up with the idea, do it over and over again, pass it on to someone else on the team, and now it’s just the way things are done. You are perfectly capable of coming up with another way to overcome the obstacle, and when you do, you’ll be the office hero.

Adjust Your Attitude: Don’t whine and wallow. Okay, maybe for five minutes, but then get over the emotion that tells you the situation isn’t fair. You need all your energy to focus on thinking clearly, communicating what needs done, and solving the problem. Problem solving is easier when you’re confident you can do it. When setbacks happen, tell yourself: “Well, here are the things we know don’t work.” Celebrate the baby steps that move you forward. You can build on small wins and snowball them into progress. Ever trained a puppy? When he did something you wanted him to do, like sit, you gave him a treat. When you told him to sit and he wouldn’t, you didn’t give him the treat. Do the same thing with yourself. When you accomplish something that moves you toward resolution, reward yourself. It can be something small, like a walk around the building or something bigger, like lunch out with a friend.

Make This Work for You: What can you learn from this situation? Whom in the office are your allies? Who are your enemies? Who are your frienemies? When the team is under pressure, you can quickly spot who is in your corner and who isn’t. Tuck this knowledge away for future reference. What progress can you document for your next performance review? How can you stand out in a good way? Does your boss have your back? Does your boss have your front? For example, when reporting to the company she says something like, “Yes this puts us behind schedule, but here is what Susan is doing to rectify that…” Take this opportunity to listen to chatty, stressed out team members. Practice your emotional intelligence and hear what they have to say without judgement. Silently wade though their emotions and evaluate whether or not their points are valid. Is there a way to incorporate their ideas into a solution? Encourage your team to not give up. All these things demonstrate your developing leadership skills.

The problem that seemed insurmountable on Wednesday can look a lot more surmountable by Friday, if you perceive roadblocks as fuel for success. You can do this!

Please share your stories of turning obstacles into opportunities here:

How Far I’ll Go

We all need help at work from time to time. Whether the client wants a last minute presentation, a coworker goes on maternity leave, or a problem halts production, there are times when the team has to pull together to accomplish its goals. But how far should you go to pitch in? Before you volunteer to once again help that coworker who always seems to be behind the eight ball, ask yourself these questions:

How far are you willing to go? Find out how big the task is and how long you’re expected to stick with it. Do you have a part in the process or will you be responsible for the entire project? To be motivated, do you need to feel like your coworker is working as hard as she can? How do you know she is? For example, will you be frustrated if you’re cold calling in the snow in February while she’s setting up her home office? Is she asking you to do things she could easily do herself? IE: If she asks you to order file folders and have them sent to that home office, will that tick you off? It’s hard to persist completing her tasks in addition to your normal job if you dislike them. Are you friends with this person? It’s both easier and harder to help out a friend. She’s counting on you to meet her needs and you feel guilty when you have to put your work first. Will you lose this friend if you refuse to help or if you make a mistake?

Is there any way this can backfire? If helping someone else endangers one of your projects you have to say no, even if it causes conflict with your coworker. Is this task temporary or will you end up her permanent unofficial assistant? When you take on a responsibility, there’s always a chance it will become part of your job and you won’t be compensated for it. Are you okay with that? Is this coworker infamous for trying to give her work away? Helping her could give you a reputation as a doormat. Do you already help other people? If so, you may want to limit your assistance to performing the same task for everyone. For example, If you proofread team members’ activity reports, you not only define your boundary, you can also position yourself as a Subject Matter Expert. If you help on this project and it fails, will you be held responsible? If you help on this project and it succeeds, will you get credit?

Can you take advantage? If you’re going to take on extra responsibilities temporarily, make sure they’re a good use of your precious time. If it’s a way to learn new skills, allows you to stretch out of your comfort zone, pay it forward, makes you a value added employee, increases your visibility to the company in a positive way, and/or makes you look good at performance review time, you should consider it. Maybe you currently have too much time on your hands. Is this project a way to keep busy? It’s actually easier to be busy than to try to look busy. Maybe this temporary responsibility is something that comes naturally to you. If it’s easy for you, go for it.

Like the Beatles, we get by with a little help from our friends. But serial assisting does not get you promoted; it gets the person you’re assisting promoted. Find that boundary between helpful and doormat and don’t cross it.

Share your stories of how far you go to help your team here:

The Hard Way

Have you noticed that the skills you learned the hard way are the ones you remember best? Setting boundaries, creating margin, and disregarding toxic people’s opinions, are skills I learned through situations like my parents divorce, being the only female on my commercial production team, and working for a supervisor who only hired me to be his scapegoat. Through these experiences, I learned to adapt and be nimble. I was forced to discover my limits and figure out what to do when I reached them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pollyanna. I’m a pirate. I’ve learned, and continue to practice, turning hardships over, around, and upside down looking for opportunity in the adversity in order to survive it. One of the ways I do this is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude is not a luxury for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it. I hope some of the things I do will work for you too.

Journal: Every morning I write down at least one thing in my gratitude journal that I’m thankful for from the previous day. I try not to be snarky. Statements like, “I’m grateful my gossipy coworker called in sick,” are not allowed. I mentioned my gratitude journal in an earlier post. Read more about it here.

Give: When it comes to money, I’m a saver. I tend to hold on to it too tightly. When I begin to resemble Ebenezer Scrooge, I look for ways to give some of it away anonymously. Gratitude reminds me to be thankful that since I have enough money to meet my needs, I can afford to give some of it away. For example: Paying the bill of the person behind me in the Starbucks drive thru line.

Serve: Serving doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind me at the Post Office, chatting with a lonely store owner during my canvassing, and letting someone with fewer items than me cut in the grocery store line. Gratitude reminds me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem and I don’t have to be another one.

So how have these three practices helped me in my career? When I’m in a difficult situation, gratitude reminds me that it’s temporary. As my grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” Remembering this helps me to relax and that vibe often attracts new connections. Luck is not only preparation meeting opportunity, it’s having an open mind and generous attitude. Networking is much easier if I’m genuinely interested in getting to know a person instead of just finding out what she can do for me. Gratitude helps me see light in dark circumstances. When I can see light at the end of a tunnel, I know what direction to head. I can formulate a plan to get around the obstacles in the tunnel and reach that light. Like when I have a project deadline looming and not enough crew, hours, or inventory to complete it, gratitude helps me focus on the fact that at least I have the project.

When work makes you feel small, stupid, sick, or stuck, practice gratitude. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Pay it forward because what goes around comes around. The love you take is equal to the love you make. These cliches are cliche because they are true. Gratitude is contagious. Go infect as many people as you can this week then tell me about it here:

Good Enough Actually Is

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Decision making used to be so simple: You’d take out a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, write “Pros” on one side of the line and “Cons” on the other, and after a bit of research, if the Pros list was longer than the Cons, that is the path you took. Now this process gets bottlenecked during the research phase and the result is Analysis Paralysis (AP).

What is AP? Basically it’s overthinking. It happens:

When you are afraid of making a bad decision
Because you are seeking the perfect solution to a problem
When you spend too much time researching your choice
Or all of the above. Consequently, you end up not making a decision at all.

What causes AP? Mostly, it’s a fear of being wrong.

As Albus mentioned above, your life is a series of choices and if you’re afraid of making a bad one, you can get bogged down pondering how the decision you’re trying to make reflects who you are as a person (your ethics, values, and motives), how it impacts other people, and fear of not making the perfect choice. BTW, it’s an illusion that the perfect choice is out there just waiting for you to discover it.
Information overload. Sometimes, Google is not your friend. There is so much information out there, it changes so often, and it comes at you so fast, that you can spend weeks just gathering it.
Overcomplicating the decision. For example: Deciding whether or not to accept a job offer in a city 320 miles away is complicated. Deciding where to eat lunch is not.
Distractions. If officemates interrupt, the phone rings, and email notifications disrupt your focus, you can’t give the problem adequate attention.

How can you overcome AP?

Seek advice. Is there someone you trust who makes wise choices? Has she made a similar choice in the past? Ask her what she did. Ask the people this decision would effect what they think. This shows you are open to diverse thoughts and allows you to see the problem from another perspective. It could also alleviate your fear of being wrong.
Set a time limit for research. Resist the temptation to dive so deep that you can’t swim back up to the surface. When you have enough information to move forward with a decision, make it. Remind yourself you have resources you can consult if it becomes necessary to pivot.
Filter your decision with the desired end result in mind. What goal are you trying to accomplish? How big is the decision? Is it worth your T.E.A.M.? Will the choice you make now still effect you a year from now? What is the worst that could happen? What ROI can you expect? Does this choice make sense?
Adopt the KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Sister) and don’t unnecessarily complicate your issue. If it’s a big decision, break it down into a series of little decisions, and just take the next step. Then evaluate your results, check your notes, and take another step based on your new data.
Think about the decision when you have the most mental energy and where you have the fewest distractions. If your mind is clearest in the morning, don’t wait until evening to make a difficult decision when you are worn out. If the office is too chaotic, go to a library.

After you make the decision you will inevitably second guess yourself. When that happens, be confident that you made the best decision you could with the information and time you had. An adequate decision is actually, okay. It’s better to decide than to suffer from analysis paralysis.

Do you battle AP? Tell me about it here:

Headaches! You Give me Headaches!

The words “people manager” have never been in any of my job descriptions, yet throughout my career, I’ve had to manage people, and you will too. We’ve already talked about dealing with Gossips, One-uppers, and Parade-rainers at the office. When these coworkers are in your space, you try to ignore them, but what about those high maintenance coworkers you don’t have the luxury of ignoring? I’m referring to coworkers who are integral to your project, or for whose work you are responsible, but have no authority over. Let’s call them: The Lazy, The Complainer, and The Spoiled. Through the years, I’ve identified them by some of the following traits.

The Lazy: She lacks a sense of urgency regarding a rapidly approaching hard deadline. She doesn’t take time to figure out what tasks are necessary to meet contracted goals. She breaks a spreadsheet because she didn’t pay attention during training. She neglects crucial follow up with customers. She says she’s going to close the deal, but lets it slip away. When she epically fails, this coworker falls back on the cliched excuses of not having enough time to do the job, and/or claims communicating with the manager is hard. Eventually, she’ll quit because it’s too much work (pun intended) and you’ll be left scrambling. Your solution: Wade through her extra words and emotions and find the core issue. Then, be careful how much you help her unless you want to do her job in addition to your own.

The Complainer: She complains about company policies: She is a non-exempt employee, but feels she should get paid for working over eight hours today even though tomorrow is a paid holiday. She complains about the client: Her territory is “too big” and she feels like she spends all day running up and down the highway. “Why can’t they schedule my appointments geographically closer together?” She complains about her coworkers: She is free to schedule her vacation any time she wants, but vents how she has sacrificed hers for the good of the project and no one else has. Your solution: Stay calm, it’s not personal. Listen once but don’t validate her opinion. Then, politely remind her she is in control of her own career and should communicate any concerns with her manager.

The Spoiled: She strives to have everything done her way and for her convenience. She says things like, “This is the Standard Operating Procedure on all the other projects I’ve worked on for this company. The project manager doesn’t understand how it should go.” She ignores the Scope Of Work and does the job the way she thinks it should be done. She wants all her questions answered immediately. For example: She wants all the tasks she needs from you done a week before they’re due because she is going on vacation. Your solution: It’s tricky because sometimes her needs are valid and it’s not WHAT she asks for, but HOW she asks for it. Take a minute to stop and think about how what she wants to do effects the project. Then, if it benefits the project, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t.

The common denominator of these three types of coworkers is they all want you to fix things for them. When they want something from you, ask yourself: Will what I do for them benefit the project?

Feel free to share your headaches here:

Ghosting an Employer May Have Grave Consequences

A couple of months ago, my office was hiring for an entry-level position. We scheduled an interview with a candidate both we and our client were excited about. The day came, the client came, the time came, but the interviewee didn’t. No phone call, no text, no email. We waited half an hour. Crickets. Finally, our client gave up and left. Awkward. We were ghosted. Ghosting is a term usually reserved to describe cutting off communication without warning with someone you no longer want to date, but now employers are being haunted. All of us have found an open position we loved, spent hours adapting our resume to the job description and writing a clever cover letter, then sent it off only to hear silence from the employer. Kinda makes you feel entitled not to respond when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn’t it? But that behavior could have grave consequences on your career.

Why does ghosting happen? It can happen when an inexperienced candidate has multiple offers and wants to avoid conflict. Social media and texting help us communicate easily, but don’t allow for face to face bonding so relationships can be shallow and easily left. Another reason is now that there are more job openings in America than employees to fill them, ghosting seems to be a bit of payback to the system that allowed employers to only contact the applicant they wanted to hire and leave the rest of us hanging.

What can employers do? They could take a cue from the travel industry and overbook interviews like an airline over sells tickets. They could hold group interviews which both saves time and creates a sense of competition among the applicants. I was in a group interview for a side gig at a department store a couple of years ago and it made me want the job more. I not only saw who was up for the position, but also the interviewer’s nonverbal reactions to my competitors answers. I then tailored my answers based on her reactions to theirs. I got the job. Employers can call or text a new hire 24 hours before her first day with a friendly, “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!” message. They can treat people with respect. If the candidate is not the right fit, communicate that message kindly and as soon as possible.

What should job seekers do? There’s a cliche that goes, “You meet the same people on the way down the ladder as you did on the way up.” The recruiter who found you for this job, may also work for another employer you want to work for later. People have long memories and tend not to forget who ghosted them. For example: Attendance was a crucial aspect of the job for which we were hiring. If you ghosted the interview, we can’t rely on you to show up for the job. It’s not like you can come back to us and say, “JK, changed my mind, I’ll take that job now.” You’ve broken trust with us and won’t get it back. If you accept another offer, respectfully tell the hiring manager as soon as possible. At least send an email, but best practice is to have the difficult conversation. Remember that department store side gig I mentioned in the last paragraph? I began onboarding and found out within two weeks this was a bad fit. Did I want to ghost? Yes. Did I? No. When I walked into the manager’s office to tell her, she took one look at me and said, “You’re quitting, aren’t you? Why do all the adults quit?” Bottom line: She thought I was mature and we parted amicably. If I want to go back, the door is still open. It was worth the forty-five seconds of discomfort.

Have you ever ghosted a potential employer? Have you ever had a interviewee just not show up? Share you stories here:

Yes, Your Honor

We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.

Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”

No pressure.

My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.

My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.

Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.

I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M. effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here: