Mardi Humphreys

What Goes Around Comes Around

You’ve no doubt heard of paranoia, the feeling someone is out to hurt you. I’ve even blogged about it. But have you ever heard of pronoia? Psychologist Brian Little defines it as: “The delusional belief that other people are plotting your well-being or saying nice things about you behind your back.”

Maybe it doesn’t have to be delusional. Could it be controlled and perceived as reaping what you sow? I’ve been on the receiving end of what I interpret as pronoia. Someone actually WAS plotting my well-being and saying nice things about me behind my back to someone with the power to change my situation.

Pronoia is a foreign concept because we’re much more likely to notice and discuss negative behaviors than positive ones. Why is that? Why is it we hear and repeat the negative? Why is that more attractive than hearing and repeating the positive?

Because it’s easy; it makes us feel important by being the one “in the know.” Even descriptions of negative impacting words are cooler than positive ones: Juicy gossip; spill the tea (gossip is NOT worth your T.E.A. btw) vs. sweet nothings and honeyed words. Wouldn’t we benefit more by training ourselves to choose to have hope, trust, and faith in our coworkers? Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. says doing so makes us more inclined to have a disposition of optimism and resilience and not just at work. He also lists the problems of taking it too far, so let’s balance pronoia with healthy skepticism.

Let’s look for hints of the best in our coworkers and entice it out of them. If someone is being difficult, let’s assume it’s a symptom of a problem and investigate instead of assuming she just has a difficult personality. Call it what you want: Karma, paying it forward, or just plain practicing kindness, but let’s steer our companies’ cultures toward empathy. It can only benefit the team.

If the Beatles were right, and the love you take is indeed equal to the love you make, will plotting our coworkers well-being increase our chances of being on the receiving end of pronoia? What does this look like at work? We can assume our teammate isn’t trying to dump an unwanted project on us, but just needs a hand. That attitude improves our mindsets more than hers. Remember to set boundaries though. For example: Once the project is doable for our coworker, stop helping. Be a pronoia instigator. Did someone in another department give us a viable sales lead? Send an email to his manager. Has the team hired a new member? Take her to lunch and answer her onboarding questions. Does the intern need help polishing his resume? Give it the once over.

Expecting the best from people doesn’t change them. It actually changes us. It causes us to treat our coworkers differently. Think of it as the Golden Rule on steroids.

What do you do at work to spread pronoia? Please share your suggestions in the comments section below.

Dirty Glasses

I can’t tell when my glasses get dirty. At some point, my vision gets clouded and I’m unaware of it. Smudged spectacles give me a false perception of reality. “Wait, that’s not a pile of dirt in the middle of the road, that’s a speck of dust on my glasses!” One minute I’m blissfully ignorant and the next I can see all the stuff coating my lenses: dog nose prints, eye lashes, dried hair spray droplets, etc. I should clean them every day, but I don’t. Just like my lenses collect grit and grime, so does my work life. I let my good habits slide, I ignore my bad ones, I rationalize my lazy behavior, perhaps throw myself a wee pity party, and before I know it, I’m in trouble. So, I have to stop and “clean my glasses.”

When I realize I’ve made a mistake, the first thing I do is figure out how I created this big mess. For example: Recently, I had a bad glucose test result.

Why? I miscalculated the number of carbohydrates in the serving of chicken enchiladas I ate.
How? I talked myself into believing the serving size was safe because I wanted to eat the yummy chicken enchiladas.
Now what? After the pity party, I buckle down. No chicken enchiladas for a while and the next time I make them, omit the tortillas.

I use this same pattern to recover after a mistake at work. For example: I ignored the auto-generated emails from the company’s ERP notifying me of undone tasks because I was pretty sure I did them and documented them, plus the ERP was famous for sending erroneous automated you-have-a-task-awaiting-you emails. I finally got a minute to recheck my documentation against the ignored messages and discovered an error on my part. How did I fix this? I asked myself the chicken enchilada questions:

Q: Why did I make the mistake?A: Overconfidence in my assumptions.
Q: How did I make the mistake? A: Quickly checking my documentation instead of paying attention.
Q: Now what? A: Do the tasks and set up a process for paying closer attention to comparing the tasks to my documentation.

Sometimes I need help cleaning my glasses. My mom says my dad is the best glasses cleaner she knows. Every time I’m at their house, I ask him to clean them. Sometimes at work I need help from someone I trust to be honest with me, in order to help me progress; more an accountability partner than a mentor. For example: A coworker who sees me surfing my social media during the time I’m usually making client calls and asks me about it; and who would appreciate my doing the same for her. Performance reviews are great for preventing long term crashing and burning. But for ensuring I’m on the right track before I talk myself into “eating the enchiladas,” an accountability partner is great for helping me “clean my glasses.”

Do you have an accountability partner at work? Please share how you help each other in the comments below.

All by Myself

I recently attended a symposium for work. Alone. This introvert was terrified. My face flushed, my eyes darted around the banquet room, my hands shook; to look at me, you’d thought I was being chased by Freddy Krueger. “This is ridiculous,” I told myself. “You are a grown woman. Snap out of it!” Do you feel the same? Do you attend networking events solo? Here are three things I did to make myself feel (a little) more comfortable:

Loners – Surveying the room, everyone I saw had a companion. I looked for a table in the center of the room, where I could face the podium without turning my chair around, with no other tables between it and the beverage tables, and with one other person sitting at it, preferably a lone female like me. (Not that I’m picky or anything.) I found the situation I was looking for and approached the lone female. She just happened to be the organizer. At first, it was a good thing because it gave me a topic of conversation (“Oh, you’re Jane? You’re the one sending the helpful emails?”), but soon she was distracted by all the details she had to handle. She also attracted a couple of out-of-town participants who ended up sitting at our table for six, and now the three of them had business to discuss. Two other women sat with us, but they were from the same company and immediately started talking shop. If you don’t see a familiar face when you walk in the room, I recommend going to the refreshment table and listening to the conversations while you pick up food and/or a beverage. See if you can discover someone else who is attending alone, or people who are talking about something you’re interested in. Try to keep the conversation going and gravitate to a table with them. On arrival, ask if they expect anyone else. If they aren’t, sit down. People usually won’t be so rude as to ask you to leave.

Speechify – I’m new at my company, so I don’t have a good elevator speech yet. I tried my latest version on my table mates. When they asked me questions, it gave me the opportunity to hone it. Their questions revealed where the speech was weak and allowed me to revise it for the next delivery. It also gave me an opportunity to ask them for theirs to see if I could incorporate any of their style into mine.

Commonality – I looked for common ground. It was brutally cold that day and an impending polar vortex was headlining, so talking about the weather was a no-brainer. One of my table mates got on her phone and made transportation arrangements to dance class for her daughter, so asking her about her children was obvious. Another table mate had a Louis Vuitton tote, so complimenting her on it was easy. I also asked follow up questions. When they talked about the suspicious chicken salad at lunch, I asked one of my table mates for her chicken salad recipe. When my husband texted me a funny meme featuring a dog, I asked my table mates if they liked dogs and showed it to them.

I lived through the event and congratulated myself for hiding my social awkwardness for eight hours. I have another one coming up. If you have any suggestions for me, please leave a comment below!

Self-Care is a Thing

I recently discovered self-care is actually a thing. I’ve always equated it to “Treat Yo Self”, but I was wrong. It’s an entire sub-industry of wellness and mental health rooted in medicine. (Here is an interesting article on its origins.) Innumerable products can be marketed for self-care: Frappuccino? Sure. Designer handbag? Absolutely. New car? You deserve it! It’s easy to quickly spiral out of control. In theory, self-care is simple (though not necessarily easy): It’s making time to relax and do something you enjoy. But, it’s faster to buy yourself something than to carve out time in your schedule for a bubble bath. You need down time. It helps your brain make new connections between existing ideas, prevents burn out, and keeps you from stress-eating Snickers. We should take care of ourselves, but it becomes a task and that list is already too long. Attempting to decrease our stress increases it instead. Isn’t that counterproductive (and ironic)? Here are five low maintenance self-care ideas. Choose a couple that don’t stress you out.

Rest – Get ruthless with your schedule and prioritize sleep. Do you need to cut back on after-work girls’ nights? Can your partner take the kids to volleyball practice this week? Do you have to attend that Pampered Chef party? When I feel like I’m not following the Golden Rule, I put myself in time-out. I come home from work, put on my jammies, and take an evening to snuggle the dog and watch Jeopardy until I can fall asleep. If that’s 8:00pm, so be it. I ban caffeine, sugar, and social media. The next morning, I’m ready to roll out of bed and get back to the hustle.

Be Good to Yourself – or nobody else will (Shoutout to Journey). What clears your mind? Music? Exercise? Reading? Make wise choices regarding what you allow in your mind as well as your body. Be aware of what you think about yourself and how you talk to yourself. Carefully evaluate negative comments about you and discard opinions that are invalid. Choose what to believe and build yourself up. Don’t let the haters live rent free in your head.

Tune Out – I’m guilty of checking work email on weekends because I lie to myself: “I need to know if Joe Sixpack replied to the message I sent him on Friday.” No, I don’t. So, unless the sky will fall if I don’t check my work inbox, I’m not, and don’t you do it either. Sometimes I set my phone’s timer for fifteen minutes and journal, close my eyes and box breathe, or surf Pinterest for new chicken recipes. Whatever reboots your brain is how you need to spend your T.E.A.M.

Spend Money – I give myself a weekly allowance and save it. When I find something I want, I spend that money and feel zero guilt. Put a few dollars aside to invest in yourself. Go buy a new nail color, get a new workout outfit, or visit your hair stylist. The indulgence doesn’t have to be solitary. Take a friend out for coffee or take your mom to brunch.

Or Not – Self-care doesn’t have to cost money. Walk the dog. Take a nap. Get a book from the library. Watch a concert on YouTube. Sleep in an extra half hour on your day off. Take a vacation day from work. Stay in bed and watch movies. Go for a bike ride. Self-care is about time. It’s about taking a break to rest, recharge, and rejuvenate. Isn’t it about time you took a break? Please share how you manage self-care in the comments section below.

Trust Issues

The people in my town are hard core skeptics. I spent the better part of 2018 trying to convince small business owners (SBOs) that not only could I GIVE them energy efficient measures (including installation), these measures could save them hundreds of dollars on their electric bills. I had a list of eligible small businesses. I visited the businesses, contacted the decision maker, and offered them our service. My biggest obstacle was convincing them the measures were free. Even when I admitted the catch was our measures had to fit their existing fixtures, some suspected a charge would eventually show up on their utility bill. SBOs missed out on both free installed measures and cheaper monthly bills because they didn’t trust me. I tried all kinds of reasoning: “Small business is the foundation of our community. The electric company knows it’s expensive to run a small business. I have the power to save you money, let me help you!” I felt like Jacob Marley’s ghost in “A Christmas Carol.” If you are in sales or outreach, (Let’s face it: For our employers to stay in business we’re all in sales or outreach) how do you earn a potential customer’s trust? Here are some things I did:

I started with friends; especially those with showrooms for whom lighting was a pain point. Not only do printers, jewelers, and tailors need well lit showrooms, those showrooms are expensive to light. After my team did a great job for them, I asked for referrals and encouraged word of mouth. I asked them if they knew other SBOs on whom I could call. When I got a name and contact number, I asked them to text or email that SBO to expect my call. Because my friend trusts me, and the referral trusts my friend, the referral can trust me. After installation, I sent emails to the referrals thanking them for participating. My email said I hoped they were happy with the measures and the lower electric bills, to call me if they weren’t, and oh, by the way, do you know of anyone else we can help? It’s the Faberge theory of marketing. Eventually in my request for referral emails, I could say we served over 100 businesses. I obtained permission from some to give their email addresses to skeptics as references. I used their credibility as a trust builder.

Other suggestions:

Make it easy for your loyal customers to champion your cause. For example: Write a testimonial for them to approve or edit. Post it on your social media platforms and ask them to post it to theirs, if appropriate.
Expect to contact potential customers multiple times before securing them: In person, follow up email, phone call, snail mail. Use different communication mediums to get their attention.
When something goes wrong, and it will, fix it quickly and generously then use it as an example to potential customers of your trustworthiness.

Why go to all this trouble? Because trust takes time to build and once it’s broken, it’s virtually impossible to re-establish. Trust is what keeps your customers coming back. Translation: Brand loyalty. Like it or not, you are a brand. You represent your product/service. You need customers to trust you because their trust pays your bills.

What are some things you do to promote trust with potential customers? Please share in the comments section below.

Get S.M.A.R.T.

It’s come to my attention that I often endorse setting S.M.A.R.T. goals, but have yet to explain how. Oops. Since the acronym S.M.A.R.T. varies, let’s define some terms, give some examples, then discuss how to set and sustain them.

When referring to S.M.A.R.T. goals, I mean:
Specific – Answers: Who? What?
Measurable – Quantifiable results
Achievable – Can be planned
Realistic – Makes sense
Timely – Has a deadline

What a S.M.A.R.T. goal is and is not:
Specific – Is: “I will read for at least 15 minutes every day.” Is not: “I will read.”
Measurable – Is: “I read 15 minutes yesterday.” Is not: “I read yesterday.”
Achievable – Is: “I will read 15 pages every day.” Is not: “I will read 500 pages every day.”
Realistic – Is: “I will read for 15 minutes every day.” Is not: “I will read for 25 hours every day.”
Timely – Is: “I will read for 15 minutes by the time I go to bed.” Is not: “I will read for 15 minutes by the time I go to work.”

The above illustration is a template. It may not be true for you. I read for 15 minutes by the time I go to work, but that might not work for you. On the other hand, reading 500 pages every day may be achievable for you. It isn’t for me.

How to set S.M.A.R.T. goals:
First figure out what you want to accomplish. Start with a small goal, (IE: a low risk goal with a short deadline like reading more) then move up to big goals (IE: managing diabetes with lifestyle and not drugs). This way you can practice and document, make adjustments to your process, and gain confidence.

This blog is a real life example of how to set a big S.M.A.R.T. goal:
Specific: I want to launch a website that houses my resume, book, and articles. I want it to be a place for a community to gather for encouragement.
Measurable: I can track the number of posts I publish.
Achievable: I can plan for how much money and time it will take.
Realistic: I can publish one post weekly for the foreseeable future.
Timely: I want to launch the website on January 1, 2018.

I broke the process into steps:
I took a year to write content: blog posts in various stages of completion, copy for the Bus Stop Devotions page, updated my resume, etc.
I researched: read blogs by people I admired, checked out hosts, platforms, domain name providers, and security providers for cost, ease of use, and support.
I thought about what I wanted it to look like (theme, colors, layout, etc.), its purpose (advice for my daughter? Finding my tribe? Both?), and would it be worth my T.E.A.M.?

How to sustain S.M.A.R.T. goals:
This website has just passed its one year mark and I feel like I’m achieving this S.M.A.R.T. goal. It gets tricky some times. I post on Sundays and they come with excruciating regularity. To sustain it, I reward myself for achievements both small (IE: publishing a post) and big (IE: the one year anniversary), and I celebrate wins both small (IE: weekly linking on social media) and big (IE: asked to be a contributing writer for Fairygodboss.com).

Give S.M.A.R.T. goal setting a try. With performance reviews right around the corner, set a small one right now for practice and bookmark this page to refresh your memory come performance review time. Your manager will be impressed when you bring S.M.A.R.T. goals to your meeting. If you need support as you prep for your review, get in touch. I’m happy to help. Tell me about your progress setting S.M.A.R.T. goals in the comments section below.

Realistic Resolutions

Every December 26, health clubs, grocery stores, and sports equipment retailers pull out the “New Year, New You!” hooey. First of all, stop pressuring me to make New Year’s resolutions. They’re clichéd and can even be harmful. Who hasn’t resolved to lose weight then used it as an excuse to overeat from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day? (“I can eat whatever I want now because I’m dieting come January 2.”) New Year’s resolutions encourage unreasonably high expectations. If you made one this year, it’s likely you’ve given up on it by now. And second: What’s wrong with the old me? (No comments, please. That was a rhetorical question.) Instead of the stop smoking, quit nail biting, new job January goals, how about resolving to:

Be Grateful – Find something daily to be grateful for by keeping a gratitude journal. Read more about that here. Keep it however you want: real paper, an app on your phone/tablet, whatever medium inspires you to keep coming back to it. I suggest pulling it out for a few minutes at the same time every day to write, doodle, copy and paste, or however you express your gratitude.

Read

Exercise Your Creativity – Pick up a new hobby: play an instrument, knit, paint, tai-chi, cook, learn a foreign language, goat yoga, Civil War re-enacting, something you’ve never done, but always wanted to do.

Read

Connect – Stay in touch with friends and/or family. Go beyond liking their Facebook posts. Go to a museum, a movie, or brunch together. Calendar time to check in face to face.

Read

Practice Kindness – Let people merge onto the highway in front of you, be punctual, don’t participate in office gossip, pay for the order behind you in the Starbuck’s drive-thru line.

Read

Volunteer – Your church, animal shelter, and women’s center need you. It’s good to be needed. When you help others you reduce your stress, ward off depression, and make friends. I’m not making this up. Here, I Googled it for you.

Read

Work on You – How about a new hair style? You don’t have to commit to anything, just browse online for the latest trends and see if there’s anything you like. Do you need to change your eating habits? Get a cookbook from the library featuring low fat, low carbohydrates, high vegetables, and high fiber recipes. Does your wardrobe need updating? Go through your closet and donate anything you haven’t worn in two years. (Unless it’s that Def Leppard concert T-shirt you bought at the Hysteria Tour in 1987. Send that to me; please and thank you.) Then take that Christmas bonus and buy yourself a new outfit. Is your resume up to date? Check your contact information, experience, skills, and education sections to ensure they’re current.

Read – (When, when, when was I redundant?!) – If you aren’t a reader, you should be. It’s got all kinds of benefits. Read (LOL) about some here. If you need suggestions on what to read, check out my friend Susan’s 2018 List. She’s a high school English teacher in Atlanta, GA. I’m sure you’ll find something you like.

If you need to make a change, start now. Every day is an opportunity to grow. Forget the resolutions; instead, focus on setting S.M.A.R.T (Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely) goals for self-improvement. And remember, you don’t have to start any of these now. Your best year ever can start in March if you want it to, but why wait to do something that can make you feel good about yourself?

Please share your thoughts on New Year’s resolutions in the comments section below.

Kindness Is Good Business

I’m reading Adam Grant’s book, “Give and Take.” (Yes, it’s taken me five years to get to it. #beenkindabusyoverhere) It’s based on his research on why people succeed or fail in their professions. I was drawn to it because I’m increasingly convinced the paradigm for succeeding in business I learned (work hard, be so good at what you do they can’t ignore you, and take as much as you can get) is outdated. Social media makes the business world a small one. It’s such a key factor in employment that if all you do is take, word quickly gets around and no one wants to hire you nor work with you. So how can we succeed in business without really trying? Kindness. For me, here is what kindness means, what it doesn’t mean, and what I hope the results will be.

What it means: Creating win-win situations for both my clients and me. Businesses are made up of people. These people aren’t just my customers. They’re my friends, so I should treat them like it. Granted, they may not be my phone-call-at-four-in-the-morning friends, but they are my we-can-go-further-together-than-on-our-own friends. What does this look like in real life?

Asking questions and listening to the answers instead of forming responses in my head through the filter of “How do I make this work for me?”

Finding out what their goals are and how they want to reach them. Is there something I can do to help, even if it’s not a product or service I offer?

Paying attention to issues they have with my product or service. Conflict happens. I can use the opportunity to provide excellent customer service and strengthen the relationship.

Self-effacing. Not only do I have to be okay with not getting credit for my ideas, but also not mind if I’m giving more than I’m getting from the transaction.

Kindness means being available, staying genuinely interested in the health of the client’s business, and proving that I care.

What it doesn’t mean: Being a pushover. Learning how to politely say, “No, my product/service is not free. I won’t give it away just to keep your business and you probably wouldn’t want it, trust it, or find value in it if it was free.” Kindness doesn’t mean nice guys finish last. Helping others whether or not I benefit from the situation doesn’t mean I can’t have personal success. My clients don’t have to suffer in order for me to benefit. In fact, customers are attracted by generosity and tell their colleagues about it. Kindness is contagious. It takes time to pay off, but business is a marathon not a sprint.

Results: When I demonstrate that my client’s success is my success, I get customer retention and referrals. Kindness grows exponentially. It not only leads to more kindness, but also manifests itself in creativity, trust, enthusiasm, patience, and goodwill. As a pleasant side effect, these qualities bleed over into my personal life. Need any more reasons why you should be kind? Be kind because you can.

Please share your stories of how using kindness as a business strategy works for you in the comments section below.

Boss? Friend? Both?

49% of American workers consider their manager a friend. If you job hunt on social media, plenty of your friends know you’re looking, and that’s the point of networking, right? So it’s possible at some point in your career, you’ll work for someone who is your friend. Here are five things you can do to keep both your friend and your job.

Before You Accept the Offer – Go to lunch and have an honest chat. Ask her what she thinks the pros and cons of working together will be. Does she have any hesitations? Is she worried about possible uncomfortable scenarios? Are you? Now is the time to find out. Ask the tough questions: “Will I be the ‘teacher’s pet’?” “Will you be harder on me than on the rest of the team just so it won’t look like I’m the teacher’s pet?” If you take the job, you’ve set a precedent for honest communication.

Grow Thick Skin – Your friend has friends at the office. They may go to lunch or happy hour and not invite you. They have inside jokes. You have to decide whether it’s appropriate to join in or ignore them. If your new coworkers know you and your manager are friends, they may exhibit possessive behavior to see how you’ll react. Practice your poker face and find common ground on which to bond with the whole team.

Intentional Communication – Expectations change and so do boundaries. Meet with your manager at regular intervals (Weekly? Twice a month? Whatever is necessary for clear communication) to clarify hers. For example: When a deadline looms, does she expect the team to work overtime or just the project lead? Or, does everyone take turns covering the switchboard during lunch?

Don’t Take Advantage – If you’ve been friends for years, you know what her hot buttons are. She knows yours too. Just because you know what buttons to push does not mean you should push them. You may get what you want right now, but hurt yourself in the long run. For example: If you feel strongly about a project’s objective, do you know how far to push your opinion without undermining her authority in front of the team? Lay down ground rules for fighting fair before any disagreements pop up.

Beware of Too Much Togetherness – Does she text you at night for status reports? Don’t answer after hours. Does happy hour turn into a briefing on the PowerPoint presentation you’re starting tomorrow? Stop going out for drinks after work. Be selective about how much time you spend together outside of the office and what you do. For example: If you go to a movie together, you select which movie to see or at least where it’s showing. Occasionally take the lead in your friendship, otherwise you’ll fall into the same pattern you have at the office.

Have you ever worked for a friend? What was your experience like? Please share your story in the comments section below.

Auld Lang Syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
 and never brought to mind?
 Should old acquaintance be forgot,
 and old lang syne?
CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
By Robert Burns 1788

Is Auld Lang Syne stuck in your head too? It’s okay. It’s just once a year. As Grammy used to say, “This too shall pass.” As 2018 passes into history and we wax nostalgic, here’s my Top Ten List of things I hope you’ll remember:

You have plenty to be thankful for – At the very least, you can read; 2,620,710 Americans can’t.

What makes you different is your super power – The pressure to fit in is strong and wrong. Embrace what makes you unique.

You have more influence than you think you do – Use that super power for good not evil.

Kindness is always the right thing to do – People won’t always appreciate it, but do it anyway.

Learn from the past – Every year is filled with ups and downs like a roller coaster. It’s the downs that tend to come to mind first. Don’t dwell on them.

Look to the future – Use what you didn’t like about 2018 to inspire your 2019 goals.

Make wise choices – You reap what you sow; both good and bad. Choose to sow good things even when it’s hard because good decisions lead to good opportunities.

Ignore the haters – When your critics push you toward depression and negativity (notice I wrote When and not If), turn away.

Focus on the positive – You have to train your mind to see the good in every situation, it won’t drift there automatically. Here’s a start: “Some people grumble the roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr.

It’s good to have hope – It’s the only thing stronger than fear. Hang onto it. Remind yourself that tomorrow can be better than today and you have the power to make it so.

This is my blog’s one year anniversary. Thank you so much for your kind attention in 2018! I look forward to continuing our conversations in 2019, and I trust you will make it your best year ever!

Are there topics you’d like to discuss in 2019? Tell me about them here: