Mardi Humphreys

The Hard Way

Have you noticed that the skills you learned the hard way are the ones you remember best? Setting boundaries, creating margin, and disregarding toxic people’s opinions, are skills I learned through situations like my parents divorce, being the only female on my commercial production team, and working for a supervisor who only hired me to be his scapegoat. Through these experiences, I learned to adapt and be nimble. I was forced to discover my limits and figure out what to do when I reached them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pollyanna. I’m a pirate. I’ve learned, and continue to practice, turning hardships over, around, and upside down looking for opportunity in the adversity in order to survive it. One of the ways I do this is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude is not a luxury for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it. I hope some of the things I do will work for you too.

Journal: Every morning I write down at least one thing in my gratitude journal that I’m thankful for from the previous day. I try not to be snarky. Statements like, “I’m grateful my gossipy coworker called in sick,” are not allowed. I mentioned my gratitude journal in an earlier post. Read more about it here.

Give: When it comes to money, I’m a saver. I tend to hold on to it too tightly. When I begin to resemble Ebenezer Scrooge, I look for ways to give some of it away anonymously. Gratitude reminds me to be thankful that since I have enough money to meet my needs, I can afford to give some of it away. For example: Paying the bill of the person behind me in the Starbucks drive thru line.

Serve: Serving doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind me at the Post Office, chatting with a lonely store owner during my canvassing, and letting someone with fewer items than me cut in the grocery store line. Gratitude reminds me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem and I don’t have to be another one.

So how have these three practices helped me in my career? When I’m in a difficult situation, gratitude reminds me that it’s temporary. As my grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” Remembering this helps me to relax and that vibe often attracts new connections. Luck is not only preparation meeting opportunity, it’s having an open mind and generous attitude. Networking is much easier if I’m genuinely interested in getting to know a person instead of just finding out what she can do for me. Gratitude helps me see light in dark circumstances. When I can see light at the end of a tunnel, I know what direction to head. I can formulate a plan to get around the obstacles in the tunnel and reach that light. Like when I have a project deadline looming and not enough crew, hours, or inventory to complete it, gratitude helps me focus on the fact that at least I have the project.

When work makes you feel small, stupid, sick, or stuck, practice gratitude. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Pay it forward because what goes around comes around. The love you take is equal to the love you make. These cliches are cliche because they are true. Gratitude is contagious. Go infect as many people as you can this week then tell me about it here:

Good Enough Actually Is

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Decision making used to be so simple: You’d take out a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, write “Pros” on one side of the line and “Cons” on the other, and after a bit of research, if the Pros list was longer than the Cons, that is the path you took. Now this process gets bottlenecked during the research phase and the result is Analysis Paralysis (AP).

What is AP? Basically it’s overthinking. It happens:

When you are afraid of making a bad decision
Because you are seeking the perfect solution to a problem
When you spend too much time researching your choice
Or all of the above. Consequently, you end up not making a decision at all.

What causes AP? Mostly, it’s a fear of being wrong.

As Albus mentioned above, your life is a series of choices and if you’re afraid of making a bad one, you can get bogged down pondering how the decision you’re trying to make reflects who you are as a person (your ethics, values, and motives), how it impacts other people, and fear of not making the perfect choice. BTW, it’s an illusion that the perfect choice is out there just waiting for you to discover it.
Information overload. Sometimes, Google is not your friend. There is so much information out there, it changes so often, and it comes at you so fast, that you can spend weeks just gathering it.
Overcomplicating the decision. For example: Deciding whether or not to accept a job offer in a city 320 miles away is complicated. Deciding where to eat lunch is not.
Distractions. If officemates interrupt, the phone rings, and email notifications disrupt your focus, you can’t give the problem adequate attention.

How can you overcome AP?

Seek advice. Is there someone you trust who makes wise choices? Has she made a similar choice in the past? Ask her what she did. Ask the people this decision would effect what they think. This shows you are open to diverse thoughts and allows you to see the problem from another perspective. It could also alleviate your fear of being wrong.
Set a time limit for research. Resist the temptation to dive so deep that you can’t swim back up to the surface. When you have enough information to move forward with a decision, make it. Remind yourself you have resources you can consult if it becomes necessary to pivot.
Filter your decision with the desired end result in mind. What goal are you trying to accomplish? How big is the decision? Is it worth your T.E.A.M.? Will the choice you make now still effect you a year from now? What is the worst that could happen? What ROI can you expect? Does this choice make sense?
Adopt the KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Sister) and don’t unnecessarily complicate your issue. If it’s a big decision, break it down into a series of little decisions, and just take the next step. Then evaluate your results, check your notes, and take another step based on your new data.
Think about the decision when you have the most mental energy and where you have the fewest distractions. If your mind is clearest in the morning, don’t wait until evening to make a difficult decision when you are worn out. If the office is too chaotic, go to a library.

After you make the decision you will inevitably second guess yourself. When that happens, be confident that you made the best decision you could with the information and time you had. An adequate decision is actually, okay. It’s better to decide than to suffer from analysis paralysis.

Do you battle AP? Tell me about it here:

Headaches! You Give me Headaches!

The words “people manager” have never been in any of my job descriptions, yet throughout my career, I’ve had to manage people, and you will too. We’ve already talked about dealing with Gossips, One-uppers, and Parade-rainers at the office. When these coworkers are in your space, you try to ignore them, but what about those high maintenance coworkers you don’t have the luxury of ignoring? I’m referring to coworkers who are integral to your project, or for whose work you are responsible, but have no authority over. Let’s call them: The Lazy, The Complainer, and The Spoiled. Through the years, I’ve identified them by some of the following traits.

The Lazy: She lacks a sense of urgency regarding a rapidly approaching hard deadline. She doesn’t take time to figure out what tasks are necessary to meet contracted goals. She breaks a spreadsheet because she didn’t pay attention during training. She neglects crucial follow up with customers. She says she’s going to close the deal, but lets it slip away. When she epically fails, this coworker falls back on the cliched excuses of not having enough time to do the job, and/or claims communicating with the manager is hard. Eventually, she’ll quit because it’s too much work (pun intended) and you’ll be left scrambling. Your solution: Wade through her extra words and emotions and find the core issue. Then, be careful how much you help her unless you want to do her job in addition to your own.

The Complainer: She complains about company policies: She is a non-exempt employee, but feels she should get paid for working over eight hours today even though tomorrow is a paid holiday. She complains about the client: Her territory is “too big” and she feels like she spends all day running up and down the highway. “Why can’t they schedule my appointments geographically closer together?” She complains about her coworkers: She is free to schedule her vacation any time she wants, but vents how she has sacrificed hers for the good of the project and no one else has. Your solution: Stay calm, it’s not personal. Listen once but don’t validate her opinion. Then, politely remind her she is in control of her own career and should communicate any concerns with her manager.

The Spoiled: She strives to have everything done her way and for her convenience. She says things like, “This is the Standard Operating Procedure on all the other projects I’ve worked on for this company. The project manager doesn’t understand how it should go.” She ignores the Scope Of Work and does the job the way she thinks it should be done. She wants all her questions answered immediately. For example: She wants all the tasks she needs from you done a week before they’re due because she is going on vacation. Your solution: It’s tricky because sometimes her needs are valid and it’s not WHAT she asks for, but HOW she asks for it. Take a minute to stop and think about how what she wants to do effects the project. Then, if it benefits the project, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t.

The common denominator of these three types of coworkers is they all want you to fix things for them. When they want something from you, ask yourself: Will what I do for them benefit the project?

Feel free to share your headaches here:

Ghosting an Employer May Have Grave Consequences

A couple of months ago, my office was hiring for an entry-level position. We scheduled an interview with a candidate both we and our client were excited about. The day came, the client came, the time came, but the interviewee didn’t. No phone call, no text, no email. We waited half an hour. Crickets. Finally, our client gave up and left. Awkward. We were ghosted. Ghosting is a term usually reserved to describe cutting off communication without warning with someone you no longer want to date, but now employers are being haunted. All of us have found an open position we loved, spent hours adapting our resume to the job description and writing a clever cover letter, then sent it off only to hear silence from the employer. Kinda makes you feel entitled not to respond when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn’t it? But that behavior could have grave consequences on your career.

Why does ghosting happen? It can happen when an inexperienced candidate has multiple offers and wants to avoid conflict. Social media and texting help us communicate easily, but don’t allow for face to face bonding so relationships can be shallow and easily left. Another reason is now that there are more job openings in America than employees to fill them, ghosting seems to be a bit of payback to the system that allowed employers to only contact the applicant they wanted to hire and leave the rest of us hanging.

What can employers do? They could take a cue from the travel industry and overbook interviews like an airline over sells tickets. They could hold group interviews which both saves time and creates a sense of competition among the applicants. I was in a group interview for a side gig at a department store a couple of years ago and it made me want the job more. I not only saw who was up for the position, but also the interviewer’s nonverbal reactions to my competitors answers. I then tailored my answers based on her reactions to theirs. I got the job. Employers can call or text a new hire 24 hours before her first day with a friendly, “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!” message. They can treat people with respect. If the candidate is not the right fit, communicate that message kindly and as soon as possible.

What should job seekers do? There’s a cliche that goes, “You meet the same people on the way down the ladder as you did on the way up.” The recruiter who found you for this job, may also work for another employer you want to work for later. People have long memories and tend not to forget who ghosted them. For example: Attendance was a crucial aspect of the job for which we were hiring. If you ghosted the interview, we can’t rely on you to show up for the job. It’s not like you can come back to us and say, “JK, changed my mind, I’ll take that job now.” You’ve broken trust with us and won’t get it back. If you accept another offer, respectfully tell the hiring manager as soon as possible. At least send an email, but best practice is to have the difficult conversation. Remember that department store side gig I mentioned in the last paragraph? I began onboarding and found out within two weeks this was a bad fit. Did I want to ghost? Yes. Did I? No. When I walked into the manager’s office to tell her, she took one look at me and said, “You’re quitting, aren’t you? Why do all the adults quit?” Bottom line: She thought I was mature and we parted amicably. If I want to go back, the door is still open. It was worth the forty-five seconds of discomfort.

Have you ever ghosted a potential employer? Have you ever had a interviewee just not show up? Share you stories here:

Yes, Your Honor

We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.

Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”

No pressure.

My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.

My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.

Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.

I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M. effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here:

Spin Cycle

My manager called me into her office and, as gently as she could, informed me we were trending short on production for the month. To reach goal, we needed ANOTHER big push. The room started to spin. I felt lightheaded. All I could think about was how long and hard I worked to get our current production, how other urgent projects were clamoring for my attention, and how little time I had to generate more production before the end of the month. Sound familiar? Everyone works in demanding environments with lots of competing priorities and limited resources. There are interruptions: The phone rings, a delivery arrives, an email from the client hits my inbox flagged high priority. There are distractions: Coworkers’ conversations, scrambling to cover a shift when someone calls in sick, a customer’s poor planning requires an emergency site visit. There are personal issues: The aftermath of a death in the family, managing my diabetes, concern over our daughter’s out-of-town-big-city interview. These triggers cause a sort of paralysis because everything has to be done and it has to be done right NOW. Feeling overwhelmed is a vicious circle. Thoughts of everything I have to do leads to thoughts of not having enough time to do them which leads me back to thoughts of everything I have to do. To just stand there and let my head (and the room) spin, doesn’t help me to stop feeling overwhelmed. So, here’s what I do:

After a little Box Breathing, I write down everything paralyzing me. Then, I prioritize:

What is the item with the nearest deadline?
What is urgent? What is important? (You may benefit from the Eisenhower Matrix )
What absolutely has to be done today?
Do I have to do all these things? Can I task someone else with some of them?

Then I take one problem and come at it from a different direction:

Can this problem be turned into a project?
Can the project be broken down into a process?
Can I take a step to start the process?

When I’ve got a plan to solve the first problem, will that strategy work for any of the other problems on my list?

Sometimes I pick the low hanging fruit: Reply to easily answered emails, update the shared calendar, or take the mandatory company-wide security training. And sometimes I take a bite of the elephant: I do the task I dread the most so it stops haunting me.

I stop thinking.

I clear my head by walking around the office complex, going to lunch with a friend, praying, running the dog to the groomer, or listening to music or a podcast.
After leaving the office for the day, I write down tasks I don’t want to forget, but don’t need to do right this second. I hide my laptop and phone. Out of sight out of mind. If I walk past my phone, I want to see if the customer replied to my voicemail yet. If I don’t walk past it, I don’t think about it. Sometimes, I leave my laptop in my car (my car is in a garage). I have it if I need it, but it’s not beckoning me.

It seems counterintuitive to stop hacking away at my to-do list, but sometimes throwing more brain-power at the problem doesn’t solve it. It just makes my head hurt. A solution often comes quickly after I allow the problem to simmer for a while and stop overcomplicating it.

If it solves the problem, I work during my time off (vacation, weekends, etc). I hustle, but I try to be realistic about what I can control and what I can’t. The nature of my job is to fish. I don’t hunt. (I’d like to hunt, but I can’t force the customers take my wares.) This helps me focus on what I can impact.

Work can be hard. I hope these suggestions help. Share some of yours here:

Back-handed Benevolence

WARNING: The following post is more savage than usual. Read at your own risk.

I’ve already commented on sexism in this blog, but another form of it has hit my radar and I can’t get it out of my head: Benevolent Sexism. How have I missed this?! This has happened to me throughout my career. In fact, I use it to my advantage whenever possible. Am I being lazy? Am I taking advantage of an unfair societal norm? Am I overthinking this? Peter Glick and Susan T. Fiske did an extremely thorough study on sexism in 1996, in which they defined two types of sexism: Hostile and Benevolent.

Summary: Hostile Sexism (HS) is insulting women because of stereotypes; IE: objectifying women and/or degrading women. Benevolent Sexism (BS) is complementing women because of stereotypes; IE: always being told you look good and never being told your work looks good. Thanks to the Me Too movement, hostile sexism will probably not be tolerated in the office. Women would likely rebel against overt efforts of control. But the facade of BS makes women think this control is okay. After all, men are trying to take care of us, right? It’s all warm and fuzzy until you realize you’re contributing to the sabotage of your leadership goals.

Stereotypes:
Women are born kind, emotional, and compassionate. You grab a coffee for your male coworker while getting your own. He praises you for your thoughtfulness. When you suggest he get it next time, he calls you,“bossy.”

Women are weak, sensitive, and vulnerable. Your male coworker gently takes the five gallon water bottle from you to lift it up onto its pedestal then hands you the stack of notes he was carrying and asks you to go make him copies while he changes out the empty bottle for the full one.

Women are more intuitive than men and are naturally more organized. This assumption has you doing the heavy lifting of mediating conflicts, buying the boss’s birthday gift, and being the default note taker in the budget meeting because women are naturally better at those things.

I thought these stereotypes were trivial until my research revealed the attitude behind them. Those men aren’t thinking they’re helping you, they think you’re not capable. Not speaking up leaves your manager with the impression you’re not capable. Consequently, expectations of your job performance is low and you’re overlooked for career-advancing projects. BS seduces women to stay in stereotypical roles reinforcing inequality in both promotions and raises.

Struggles: Since men and women are born physically different, does that mean we should treat each other differently? Since women physically suffer once a month and make, carry, and give birth to children, aren’t we owed some car maintenance and bug killing? Where is the line between chivalry and BS? If we believe a woman isn’t capable of changing a tire, do we then believe she isn’t capable of running a company? If your boss asks you to plan the office holiday party instead of asking the guy in the cubicle next to you who has the same status in the company, has he revealed his assumptions about what men and women are good at? Will those assumptions influence his business decisions (he lets you plan a project, but not manage it) and performance reviews (he then penalizes you for not managing any projects)? Will your male coworker get a bigger raise than you because he has a family to support even though you both do the same job? If you decide to have a child, will the boss judge you as a bad mother for returning to work?

This is a cultural phenomenon that won’t be solved with a blog post. But we can recognize it, call it out, and talk about it. So, what can we do? Share your thoughts here:

Ask for What You Want at Work and Get It

We assume if we work hard we’ll get the raise, promotion, or award we deserve. You know what assuming does. (If you don’t know, email me.) Reality check: Most managers don’t notice everything we do to get our jobs done. They can’t. They’re too busy trying to get their own jobs done. If you want recognition, you have to campaign for it. Raises, promotions, and awards cost the company money. They will invest in value-added employees who either bring in revenue or save it. When we feel like we deserve a raise, promotion, or award, we need to present a case for why it’s in the company’s best interest to reward us. Here’s a three step process for getting the recognition you deserve:

Prepare: Your company has guidelines for raises, promotions, and awards. Look for them on your intranet or in your employee handbook. If these guidelines are not public, start digging. Ask your manager how to find them. If he doesn’t know, ask your HR representative. It’s crucial to find out what you have to do to get recognized and demonstrate how giving you what you want benefits the company. Once you read the guidelines, write down everything you’ve done to meet them. Quantify your success as much as possible. IE: “I was instrumental in increasing production 7% for the month of May, 2018,” is more impressive than “I helped increase production last month.” If you habitually track your accomplishments, this task won’t take long (and if you don’t, you should. It makes performance review prep SO much easier). But, if you don’t, resist the temptation to rush this part of the process. Take at least a couple of days, if not a full work week to complete it. You’ll be surprised what you remember you accomplished while you are actually doing your job. After you’ve written everything you can think of, distill these thoughts down to a bullet point list of your top (no more than) ten accomplishments. You’ll hand this list to your manager in a 1:1.

Practice: Weave these points into a narrative to tell your manager after handing him the list. Give him something to look at besides you, but don’t quote verbatim something he could read himself. This list and your story are ammunition he can use when he goes to bat for you with the higher-ups. In a concise speech clearly articulate: Why you want what you want, why it’s in his best interest to give you what you want, and how the company will benefit from giving you what you want. Practice your presentation in front of a mirror. Your goal is to look confident, relaxed, and persuasive. Make your delivery professional and non-emotional. Annual job performance reviews are the perfect time to speak to your manager about what you want from your job and from the company, and since you know when it’s coming, you have time to rehearse. Read this to help you prepare.

Pushback: Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll get it. Prepare for objections. Note why you can’t have what you’re asking for. Does the company not have enough money to give you a raise right now? Is there a skill you lack for a promotion? Are there other people up for the award? Ask what you can do in the next six months to get what you want. Do you need to exceed your sales goal by 5% in order to be considered for a raise? Do you need to learn basic coding to get a promotion? Do you need to volunteer more in your community to be considered for the award? Make the answers to these questions S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, Time-bound) goals. Set a reminder in your calendar to meet with your manager again in six months to discuss how you achieved them and if you can now get what you want. If you really want that raise, promotion, or award, you may have to be persistent. It’s natural to be disappointed, but if you let that stop you, ask yourself how badly you really want it. Is it worth your T.E.A.M.? If the answer is yes, then keep hustling and go get it!

Share your stories of how you ask for what you want at work here:

Enough is Enough

My husband and I were shopping one Saturday afternoon along with a LOT of other people. He wanted to get to an item in menswear, but a lady was blocking the display with her cart, so he gave up. I encouraged him to politely ask her to move. He said, “I don’t really need it. Why would I buy it just because it’s 20% off?” The store didn’t sell anything we needed and my husband was wise not to spend our money. But what we think we need and how much money we spend on it, is very subjective. How do you know when you have enough? When you can buy a new refrigerator because yours unexpectedly dies? When you can pay for your children’s college tuition? When your retirement is fully funded? In the words of the great philosopher Sheryl Crow, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

How much money is enough depends on the cost of food, clothing, and shelter where you live. For example: The median cost of a home in Dayton, OH is $45,000, while the median cost of a home in New York, NY is $662,100 . It also depends on how self-disciplined you are. Respondents to a survey by Charles Schwab said they need a net worth of 1.4 million dollars to live comfortably. Who has that kind of money? The survey acknowledges that most Americans live paycheck to paycheck. In addition, a study by Northwestern Mutual found Americans’ average personal debt in 2018 is over $38,000. Clearly, these people do NOT agree with Sheryl Crow.

Have you heard of the 50-30-20 rule? It suggests you spend 50% of your income on necessities like shelter and food, 30% on non-necessities like vacations and entertainment, and save the other 20%. If you earn enough money to apply this goal to your life, then you might want to create a simple budget to achieve it. Indulge your love affair with spreadsheets. Open one up and list all your expenses. In addition to basics like rent/mortgage, car payments, food, and utilities, remember to include essentials like gas for your car, student loan payments, childcare expenses, prescriptions, etc. If you have trouble remembering all of them, check your bank statement to see your regular payments and their amounts. Once you’ve listed them, add them up and divide by 12. This is roughly the minimum amount of money you need to make every month to live the way you’re currently living. BTW, this figure doesn’t take emergencies into account. If you break your leg, you’ll have hospital bills. If you break your air conditioner, you’ll have HVAC bills, etc. Even if you can’t save 20% of your income, you should put aside at least $1000 for emergencies. It’s tempting to spend the money you’ve so diligently saved, but once you’ve saved it up, try to forget you have it. After you figure out the approximate monthly amount you need to live, determine how much money you make a year. Divide that figure by 12 and compare it to how much you spend. If the amount you make is larger than what you need, put the difference in a savings account THAT YOU DO NOT TOUCH. To find out how much money people in your situation need to live in your area, here’s a living wage calculator.

Let’s say you’re a typical American paying your monthly bills and saving part of your income. You find a non-essential item you want to buy costing $250. Before you purchase, ask yourself: Is it worth my T.E.A.M.? Why do I want it? Do I need to save this money more than I need to spend it? Do I have debt I should put this money toward instead of purchasing this item? It’s a personal decision. There’s no wrong answer. For example: If the item is $250 worth of massages, you might really need it. If the item is $250 worth of bubble gum, you might really not. At the end of the day, buying something you don’t need is not about spending money. It’s about WHY you’re spending money. Why do you want this item? How does it make you feel? What hole are you trying to fill in buying it? Maybe try filling the hole with something else before throwing money down it.

How do you decide whether or not to purchase a pricey non-essential item? Tell me about it here:

Office Vampires

“You aren’t listening to me are you?” My coworker asked. “No.” I admitted. “I’m really not. Sorry.” But I wasn’t sorry. I was working. And he was telling the same story he told yesterday. TWICE. I’d just come from an extremely long meeting with a high maintenance coworker, the office was full of chatter, and I had four hours worth of work to do in the twenty-five minutes left in the week. My coworker was in the middle of his story before I entered the room and my back was to him so why did he assume I was listening?! He wasn’t being malicious, just annoying and inconvenient, but did I have to sacrifice productivity for the sake of politeness? No, I didn’t. But, I did have to gently point out that I had to concentrate on a project with a hard, rapidly approaching deadline. Office vampires come in many flavors, but they all suck. Here are three examples and suggestions on how to cope:

Gossips: Henry Thomas Buckle said, “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” I try really hard not to say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to his face. I learned this lesson early in my career. My office was on the corner of a busy intersection of the building and coworkers liked to drop in and chat, usually about other coworkers. With an amazing amount of frequency, I’d be in a gossipy conversation with someone and the subject of the gossip would walk into my office. This happened so often that one of the people who regularly came by to chat noticed. “Every time we talk about someone, he walks in! Maybe we should talk about Elvis to see if he’s still alive.” At that point, I knew I needed to change. So my strategy became asking my coworker for the source of the gossip. When a coworker came to my office and said, “Everybody says the manager is a jerk.” “Really?” I said. “Name three.” He couldn’t. Asking for sources and facts to back up his claim became my favorite way to shut a gossip down because it takes away his fun. If he pressed on, I let him know he’d hit a boundary: “Sounds like office gossip to me. I just don’t have time to deal with stuff like that.” I also realized that if he gossiped to me about other people, he was also gossiping to other people about me. To better protect yourself from these types of coworkers, be careful what and whom you talk about at work. It’s wise to save your personal life for your friends and family.

One-uppers: Much like Kristin Wiig’s Penelope character on SNL, these are conversational narcissists. I once had a coworker who only asked me about my weekend so she could tell me about hers. She’d ramble on and on as if she was delivering a monologue. When it was my turn to speak, she used filler words (ie: “That’s interesting, but when I…”) to rush me through my end of the conversation so she could speak again. When she was in the workroom talking to someone and I entered, she’d call my name to get my attention and expand her audience. These types of coworkers are seeking attention. It’s best practice to act uninterested. Maybe go to the ladies room or make that follow up phone call. Be kind, but don’t be their spotlight.

Parade-rainers: Some coworkers find your success threatening and will try (consciously or unconsciously) to bring you down in order to feel better about themselves. For example: Once while I was celebrating the completion of a difficult and time consuming project, a coworker said to me, “Good luck getting them to pay on time.” I snapped. Although, I like to remember it as being assertive. I said, “Let me have my moment, please. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.” Misery loves company. Don’t provide company to these types of coworkers. It’s not really about you. They single you out because you’re convenient. This is a good time to practice your emotional intelligence. You have to get along with them, but you don’t have to care what they think or how they feel.

Office vampires are usually negative people, but they’re still people and as such, deserve respect and consideration. Set boundaries, kill them with kindness, and be assertive. Then, don’t think about them outside the office. They suck up enough of your time already.

Do you have suggestions on how to deal with an Office Vampire? Share them here: