Relationships – Page 8 – mardihumphreys.com

Be Ready for a Call to Action

This article marks five years of writing, “Is It Worth Your T.E.A.M.?” It began as a call to action (CTA). I needed somewhere to store the advice I wanted to give my daughter but she did not want to receive. Yet. One year ago, LinkedIn offered to turn future articles into a newsletter. That was also a CTA. People in my networks began subscribing and presenting their challenges, another CTA. We are surrounded by them every day. Some CTAs are expected; for instance, hunger. You can put off eating until it’s convenient, but eventually you have to feed your body or die. They can also be unexpected. For example, in 2022, over 120,000 tech workers were laid off. Losing your job is a CTA. With the world of work constantly in flux, you are wise to always (and I don’t use that word lightly) be ready for a CTA when it comes to your job. But how?

Upskill

If you like your job, congratulations! Many of those 120,000 tech workers liked their jobs too and had no intention of leaving. Think of continuous learning as a survival skill as well as a CTA. If you like your industry, be sure to keep up on the latest trends. To illustrate, if you are a tax advisor right about now you are studying all the rules around preparing 2022 tax returns. With these skills if you unexpectedly lose your job, then you can easily market yourself to another employer or go into business for yourself. Not sure what the trends are in your industry? You can gain both insight and new skills if you have a Dayton Metro Library card. They offer free access to LinkedIn Learning.

If you don’t like your job, you are in the majority. According to Gallup, in 2022, only 21% of global workers were actively engaged with their jobs. Your CTA may be to look at job descriptions for positions you want and obtain the skills, experience, and/or certifications you need to get hired. Let’s say there is an opening at a company you’d like to work for and this company is known for philanthropy. Grab two or three friends and volunteer at their favorite non-profit organization. Mention the experience in your cover letter and prepare a story to tell about it for your interview.

Network

Meet people who work at companies you want to work for.

What networking events do they attend?
Can you connect with them on LinkedIn?
What non-profit boards do they serve on?
Can you get an informational interview with someone who works there?
Do they belong to a trade association they would enjoy telling you about?

Even if companies you want to work for don’t notice you, you will inevitably discover other organizations where you’d like to work that you didn’t know existed before these efforts and now they have a CTA to get to know you.

If you have a call to action that you are wrestling with, feel free to join the discussion I’m facilitating for Women in Christian Leadership’s virtual Coffee and Conversation on Friday, January 6. Register here.

What call to action are you struggling with as we enter 2023? Please share in the comments.

The Most Expensive Gift You Can Give

Are you panicking because you have yet to come up with a gift for your hard-to-buy-for person that won’t bust your budget? Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all stressed out people. Here are 25 gift ideas that cost more time than money.

Bake cookies – It’s not about the cookies. It’s about spending time together. If you don’t want to make the cookies, then clean up the kitchen afterward. If you don’t want to eat the cookies, drop them off at your local police station, firehouse, or emergency department in appreciation to your first responders
Free labor – Does someone need help painting their living room? Moving to a new residence? Rearranging furniture? Print a gift certificate offering help
Christmas movie marathon – Choose your favorites and watch together. Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Cooking class – If someone loves to eat a certain meal of yours, take all the ingredients to their kitchen and teach them how to make it
Parades and football all day – Take turns explaining why you think these activities happen on a holiday
Video game tournament – Teach someone how to play your favorite or learn how to play theirs
Love notes – For those whose love language is words of affirmation, write them a paragraph explaining what you love about them
Skill share – You are proficient in Excel, but can’t trim your dog’s toenails. Your brother needs an Excel primer and can trim doggy toenails. Trade tutorials
Brand refresh – Audit their website, proofread their resume, tell them what you like about their LinkedIn profile and what could be improved
Go for a walk/hike – If the weather does not currently permit, issue them an IOU
Holiday lights – Map out a route, take along some hot chocolate and maybe the dog, and drive through local light displays
Volunteer together – Your church and local food bank always need help
Online yoga class – Turn on YouTube and search for “twenty-minute yoga for beginners”
Scavenger hunt – Think Easter egg hunt but with candy canes
Video tribute – Are you good with iMovie or a similar platform? String together some of their favorite photos and set them to music
Playlists – On the music-streaming platform of your choice
Museum visit plan – Some museums are free and some are free on certain days. Spend some time brainstorming where you’d like to go and when
Start learning a language together – set up a schedule to practice with one another
Sit – Create a gift certificate for a few hours of baby, pet, or house-sitting
Photographer – Intentionally document this year’s celebration and send the photos to everyone
Pre-celebration service – Help the host clean house before guests arrive. Or, take their car for a wash and vacuum before their holiday trip
Outdoor service – Create a gift certificate for shoveling the snow off their driveway and sidewalk after the next accumulation
Something to look forward to – Schedule a future 1:1. Coffee date? Church date? Ice Cream date?
Storage – Offer to scan their printed photos and save them on a USB
Give it away – Create a gift certificate to help clean out their closets. After the purge, take the donations to a Goodwill or Salvation Army store and bring back a receipt for their tax purposes

The most expensive gift you can give is your time. You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. Please spend yours wisely. Thank you for the time you spent reading this article. Happy Holidays!

Over and Over and Over Again

Everyone likes to contemplate their navels on occasion. It becomes a problem when minutes turn into hours and you have nothing but belly-button lint to show for it. We have plenty of things to worry about, so let’s limit this conversation to the workplace. What is the difference between overthinking, worrying, and ruminating?

Overthinking

Overthinking is repeatedly examining a current stressful situation. For example, you’re working on a series of deliverables for your manager. He calls you into his office and asks you to explain why you are spending so much time on those projects instead of these other urgent tasks. You’re stunned and the conversation goes badly. Now you can’t get any work done because that interaction is all you can think about. “How did that happen? How did I get this far off target? Now what?” At your first opportunity, take a break and find a quiet place. Write down your thoughts. Then develop questions to ask your manager at your next meeting. If you do not regularly have 1:1 meetings, now is the time to request them. Phrase your questions in non-confrontational language. For example, “I’d like to send you an email first thing every Monday morning to find out what the top three projects are that you’d like me to work on for the week. Is that okay?” Taking action will help you stop overthinking.

Worrying

Worry is pondering threats to your future. This can be useful, but until you can actually predict the future, it will quickly drive you crazy. Taking the above example a step further, let’s say that the follow-up 1:1 with your manager can’t happen for a week. This gives you way too much time to think about how this second conversation could go even more sideways than the first. Instead of thinking about the worst that can happen, visualize the best that can happen. Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. You can only control the part you play in it. See yourself brainstorming with your manager. What ways to resolve the problem are you presenting? Relationships can be strengthened by working through conflict together. At the very least, your emotional intelligence will get a workout.

Ruminating

Ruminating is brooding over the past. Taking the above example even further, let’s say that you choose not to visualize the best that can happen at the next meeting with your manager. Instead, you get stuck replaying the original conversation in your mind. You’re dwelling on something you cannot change. Every time you think about that conversation, you feel the negative emotions that you felt then. When you fall short of someone’s expectations, it’s wise to review what led to the negative result because it can help you develop triggers to prevent it from happening again. However, mulling over something you cannot change can lead to self contempt. This not only can erode your confidence and encourage you to habitually berate yourself, but if you keep going down that path it can also lead to depression. If that is your situation, then please take advantage of any mental health benefits your company offers. If your organization does not offer mental health benefits, then take a look here.

What do you do to stop worrying about work? Please share in the comments.

Passed Examples

The Sunday after Labor Day is Grandparents Day in America. This resonates with me because as I was growing up all of my grandparents worked. From birth to age thirteen, I had four grandparents. One set of maternal and one set of fraternal. The two sets were very different from one another.

Stoic vs. Emotional
Never went to church vs. Went to church every time the doors were open
Mail carrier and former U.S. Army Air Corp captain married to a children’s librarian turned bank employee vs. Factory worker and former marine married to a waitress turned factory worker
One set paid for my freshman year of college vs. One set invited me to do my laundry at their house every week
Lawrence Welk vs. Hee-Haw

Grandparents have seen more of society’s evolution, experienced more heartache, strived more to make ends meet, and learned more lessons on setting priorities. Here are things I learned about work from my grandparents.

Sometimes Your Job is Just a Job

When I was a child, my maternal grandfather worked at a car manufacturing plant. He did not talk a lot about his job. He did not love his job. He did not expect it to be his calling. He worked so his family had food, clothing, shelter, and fun. He found his greatest fulfillment in God. His love of the Bible, his church, and its people was his calling. It is where he invested his T.E.A.M. From him I learned that work can simply be a means to an end.

People Come First

When I was a child, my maternal grandmother was employed at the same car manufacturing plant as my maternal grandfather. My fraternal grandmother worked at a bank. On occasion, both babysat me when my school was on a break and my parents were at work. I remember watching television at my maternal grandparents’ house while my grandmother cooked and did laundry because for her a day off from the factory meant a day working at home. I also remember going to the local bank with my fraternal grandmother with a tote bag full of snacks, books, and seek-and-find word puzzles to keep me busy in the break room while she did her job. (This was waaaaaay before Bring Your Child to Work Day.) Both women found ways to help my parents watch over me. From them I learned helping people takes priority over work.

The Correct Way to Cut a Pie

When I was a child, my fraternal grandfather was a mail carrier. Before I was born, he was a POW during WWII for 11 months. During that time, food was scarce for him. When my parents and I spent Thanksgivings with my fraternal grandparents, my grandmother always made two pumpkin pies for the five of us. My grandfather got one all to himself. After dinner, he settled in front of the television with his pie to watch football and say, “There’s only one way to cut a pie. In half. One for the first half and one for the second half.” From him I learned to reward myself for putting in the work.

What did you learn about work from your grandparents? Please share in the comments.

What Did You Expect?

Once upon a time, I worked for a manager who gave me a priority list every Monday. Then every Friday I gave him a status report which shaped his list for the following Monday. He gave me in writing what he expected over the next week, month, and quarter. I knew what he wanted and he knew what I was doing. Our expectations were aligned and we worked happily ever after. Sound like a fairy tale?

In subsequent employment, my procedure is to figure out what my manager wants and give it to them. Sometimes I’m a hit. Sometimes I’m a miscommunication. Here are a few things I’ve learned about aligning expectations with managers, teammates, and clients.

Managers

Communication is hard. Conflicts happen. These are opportunities. Even if the only upside is that your emotional intelligence gets a workout. You can only control you. You can’t control other people’s opinions of you and sometimes that stings. One of the best ways to take the stinger out is to get curious. For example, ask, “What events led to this conclusion?” “What boundary was crossed?” “Please define the non-negotiables.” The answers to these questions can reveal what your next steps should be. Maybe a different department is a better fit for you. Maybe a different company is a better fit for you. At the very least, conflict gives you better questions to ask. This data is useful because you rarely have the full scope of variables that led to the conflict.

Teammates

Everyone brings their preferences for working together to the team. You approach a project thinking you know how this is going to go, and so does everyone else. Organizations hire people for different positions, put them on a team, and expect them to get projects done. If they don’t assign and communicate roles, expectations, and how tasks should pass from one coworker to another, then how will anything get done? Throw in the fact that Plan A rarely works, and you have a mess of wrong intentions, confused roles, and misaligned expectations on your hands. To remedy this, have a kick-off meeting for each new project and ask each team member to answer these questions out loud. “What is our goal?” “What is your role in achieving it?” By the end of the meeting every member should know both their role as well as all their teammate’s roles in achieving the goal.

Clients

If you do the above with your coworkers, then satisfying the client is much easier, but it’s only part of the equation. You need to close the loop by consistently aligning your team’s expectations with your customer’s. On the team side, you can check with direct reports after giving instructions. For example, ask, “Do you have any questions?” On the client side, you can reiterate the instructions you receive. For example, “This is what I heard you say that you need from us…” You can also survey clients after a project. For example, ask, “What did you like best about the way we communicated?” “For future reference, what improvements in communication would you like us to implement?”

One wrong assumption and adverse reaction leads to another. Habitual unchecked communication fuels suspicion and negative reactions. Once this pattern is normalized, it’s hard to break. You cannot build effective working relationships without effective communication.

What is your process for aligning expectations at work? Please share in the comments.

Put Me in Coach

Last week we looked at how women build confidence when they become mothers and how that skill transfers to leadership at work. I’m not suggesting that every woman needs to have a child in order to be a good leader. I’m saying that motherhood is, by default, leadership training. Here in Part Two, let’s examine how motherhood trains moms to become coaches and how that set of skills makes them influential leaders at work.

Moms learn that their children all react differently to the same situation. Managers learn that the members of their teams respond differently to the same situation. For example, at home when Mom says to her two children, “Let’s go to the library.” One child may jump off the couch and the other may refuse to budge. At work when Manager says to her two employees, “Let’s go to the conference.” One coworker may start registering and the other may start making excuses for why they can’t go. In both of these situations, the people need a coach to inspire, encourage, and motivate them.

Inspire

A mom models the way she wants her child to behave. If a child sees Mom celebrating successes both big and small, asking questions instead of blaming, and managing inconveniences with a positive attitude, then that child is inspired to act the way Mom does when they find themselves in similar situations. A mom who is a leader in the workplace operates the same way. For example, a leader gives her direct report credit for a job well done in front of the CEO. A leader asks an individual contributor why the deadline was missed instead of blaming them for missing it. A leader responds to a complaint by assuring the client that they are heard and working through lunch with her staff to rectify the situation.

Encourage

A mom helps her child achieve goals. She learns to recognize when more training is necessary versus when it is time to gently push her child to accomplish a task on their own. A mom who leads in the workplace believes her team can accomplish their goals. She supports their efforts whether they need mentoring or monitoring and guides each team member accordingly.

Motivate

A mom uses what is important to her child as incentive. For example, Mom at home may say, “If you finish your homework now, then you can spend an extra thirty minutes playing Forza Horizon 4.” This same mom will use that skill to learn what is important to her direct reports. At work she may say, “If you work on Independence Day, you can have July 5th off with pay as compensation.” In both scenarios, everyone feels like they were treated fairly.

Inspiring, encouraging, and motivating require the capability to delay gratification. Moms labor for years to raise a child. There is no guarantee that child will learn what Mom is teaching and use it to become a productive member of society. Day after day moms model respect, positivity, and, hope. These are attributes every coach should have. A woman who can do that at home is an effective leader in any workplace.

Does your organization have people who are recognized, or unrecognized, as coaches? How many of them are moms? Please share what they do that makes you think of them as coaches in the comments.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

COVID kept you cooped up for so long that you’re determined to get back to traveling. Stories of canceled flights, lack of rental cars, and inflated accommodation prices due to demand are not enough to deter you from summer vacationing. You know why you want to travel, now you have to figure out where, when, what, who, and how.

Where are you going?

Every decision that follows will be based on this one. For example, Are you going to drive or fly? Are you going to stay on a resort’s site or off? If you fly, will you need a rental car? Will you get all your meals from restaurants? How many and what kind of souvenirs do you think you may purchase? The more you are able to visualize your trip, the better you can estimate how much the variables may cost.

When are you going?

Once you decide where you want to go, the next decision is when. Summer is traditionally vacation season, so that’s when airfare, accommodations, and entertainment are the most expensive. Can you afford the higher prices or can you delay gratification and go in the off-season? Waiting is hard, but it gives you time to save money toward the trip and avoid the summer crowds. If you have the flexibility to be spontaneous, travel apps like Hopper and KAYAK will notify you when your desired trip gets discounted.

What will you do while you’re there?

After the where and when, estimate how much money you’re going to need for transportation, accommodations, meals, souvenirs, and entertainment. Then add 10% for miscellaneous or unpredictable circumstances. Once you’re on your trip, you can use an app to keep track of your spending.

Who is going with you?

If the more you think about the expense of a vacation the more out of reach it seems, then what are your options? Are family and/or friends in the same situation as you? Can you go together? If you all agree on a destination that you can drive to, you can carpool and all chip in for gas. If you stay in a vacation home, you can all share the rental cost. You can stop at a grocery along the way, pick up food, and eat at the rental instead of at restaurants. If you are at a destination that rents canoes or gives guided tours, then you can split those costs with your group.

How can you take a break without taking a vacation?

Maybe it’s just too expensive to take a long or faraway trip right now. Start saving toward that goal and consider taking a break closer to home instead. Do you camp? Campgrounds are usually cheaper accommodations than hotels, especially if you have your own equipment (tent, camper, RV, bike, kayak, food). It’s also mentally beneficial to commune with nature. Or what about the old staycation? Have you visited your city’s museums, MetroParks, or historical sites recently? If so, then what about a city about an hour’s drive away? You get to sleep in your own bed, eat your food, and you save yourself the stress of taking a big trip.

Do you plan to travel this summer? Please share your destinations and money-saving tips in the comments.

The Home Team

While at the grocery store, I passed the coffee kiosk. It was fairly busy. The barista was at the register taking orders. A couple of women waited near the pick-up counter. A man with a sleeping baby in a carrier approached the pickup counter and found his coffee. He excused himself around the two women waiting for their orders. One of the women said, “What a good daddy you are!” I silently wondered, if it was a woman with an iced grande caramel macchiato in one hand and a baby carrier in the other, would the speaker have said, “What a good mommy you are!”? I hope so, but society does not train us to praise mothers for parenting.

From the Beginning

Let’s normalize a team approach to getting the invisible, unpaid work done; especially when it comes to parenting. In a heterosexual, two-parent household, when a baby is born the only thing the mother can do that the father cannot is feed the baby with her own body. Everything else is a level playing field. Mothers don’t instinctively know what a baby needs. For example, when a baby cries in the middle of the night, waking up, getting out of bed, and soothing that baby is not a talent unique to mothers.

In this Together

Let’s stop perceiving domestic work through the lens that society perpetually trains us to use. All genders can learn to change diapers, wash dishes, do laundry, take out the trash, get the kids to school, rehearsal, practice, the dentist, etc. Let’s rethink the assumption that the person in the couple with the lowest income (typically the woman) is by default the family manager. In a heterosexual household, let’s stop sending the message to men that they are “helping” around the house. Even if he takes on the burden of the physical work, the mental and emotional burden is still on the woman if she has to know and decide what, where, when, and how that work gets done.

For the Future

When/If you become a parent, if you have a partner, please normalize co-parenting. In learning to navigate the world they live in, children need each parent’s strength and time. One partner should not be limited to the role of financial provider. The other should not be limited to the role of domestic provider. Doing so denies parents the opportunity to model genderless behavior to their children. For example, it is extremely beneficial for children to witness their father supporting their mother’s passions and goals while managing his daily routines. When they see their father being patient, unselfish, kind, and collaborative, then they look for those qualities in the people they choose to be in their lives.

What are some things you do to promote co-parenting? Please share in the comments.

Setting the Standards

If your husband is also a father, do you get him a gift for Father’s Day? Why do we lump husband and father together? The roles are very different. Here’s what I’m thinking.

Criteria for Husbands

Be a friend – Your wife should be the first person who hears your breaking news, whether good or bad. You are the person your wife should be able to trust the most, so keep her secrets. Everyone has faults, and your wife is probably painfully aware of hers, so resist pointing them out.

No wife jokes – Like these. I propose the traditional marriage vows be amended to say, “to love, cherish, and respect until parted by death.”

Ride or die – You and your wife are a team. Your first loyalty is to her for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, yada, yada, yada.

Responsible – Do what you say you’re going to do. If you tell her you’re going to mow the lawn today, do it. If you change your mind, tell her.

Unselfish – Put your wife’s needs ahead of your own. Has she worked overtime this week? Then suggest she stay home from your company softball game tonight.

Affection – This isn’t necessarily public displays of physical affection or mushy social media posts. It can be as simple as letting her know you’re paying attention. For example, my husband doesn’t usually tell me when he’s read something I wrote. After I published this he bought me a coffee mug. I thanked him and mentioned that it matched the article’s specifications. In his best Han Solo imitation, he said, “I know.” I not only love the mug, (and him!) but I also love knowing that he read something I wrote.

Communication – Disagreements are a given, but fights don’t have to be. It helps to remember that it is the two of you against the challenge not the two of you against each other. Even when the challenge is your wife, speaking the truth in love will resolve an issue faster.

BTW, You should expect these same considerations from your wife.

Criteria for Fathers

Physical security – You contribute to the provision of food, clothing, and shelter.

Emotional safety – You enforce the rules. When you show your children where their boundaries are, it instills confidence in them. Kids want to make dad proud and now they know how.

Relationship role model – If you are loving and kind, then your children will seek those qualities in the people they choose to allow into their lives. Their behavior in their relationships will also be loving and kind because they saw their father model it.

Unconditional love – Consistently reassuring your children that you will love them no matter what gives your kids peace of mind.

Proactive parenting – You are raising your children to be adults capable of functioning without you. You plan your time with them to achieve that goal.

Present and involved – You set aside time (and your phone, and your laptop, etc.) to focus on your children and what they are interested in and/or struggling with.

Respects the mother – Whether you live with your children and their mother or not, you present a united front with her. You keep your disagreements between the two of you and resolve them in private.

Do you agree with these theories? What did I get wrong or forget to mention? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

It’s Memorial Day weekend; the official start of summer recreation. School lets out, community pools open, and outdoor concerts shift into high gear. Does anyone else feel weird about kicking off summer fun with a holiday based on mourning the military personnel who died while serving in the United States armed forces? No? Just me? Okay. The sacrifices they made secured the freedom we enjoy. We pause, remember, and are grateful.

Speaking of weird, how is your adjustment to working in person going? We endeavor to discuss the evolution of work in dispassionate, detached, and practically Vulcan tones, but under the calm exteriors, all the feels are brewing.

Employees want more freedom over where and when work gets done. Employers are afraid to give up that much control. Changes like a four-day work week, WFH options, and bringing your dog to work are just the beginning. They lead to other debates like, What about unlimited PTO? How about healthcare insurance coverage from day one? Will the company offer stock options?

The attention both employers and employees have to pay to these emotionally charged topics is exhausting on top of the work that needs to get done. Often, when you’re weary, emotions, especially the negative ones, lead the conversations instead of interpret them. Under what circumstances is it okay to express strong emotions at work?

Emotions are contagious and can escalate an exchange into an argument. In the absence of communication, negative emotions are even more dangerous because where information is absent, your brain fills in the blanks.

For example, if your manager keeps putting off approving a time-sensitive decision, you don’t know why they aren’t giving you an answer. You can assume they are thoughtfully processing the possible implications of their decision. It’s more likely you’re going to assume they’re putting you off because they forgot about you or don’t respect you. These negative thoughts produce negative emotions that fabricate a story you believe is the truth. Then, you may get angry and make a decision without your manager’s sign-off. You tell yourself you will ask for forgiveness if it turns out they don’t approve.

But, what happens when you discover the story you told yourself is false? Now you’ve damaged the trust between you and your manager. How do you recover from that? What do you learn from it? How do you fix it? What triggers do you put in place to prevent it from happening again? (Recommended reading: Rising Strong, by Brene Brown)

During this transition from the way work was done to the way it will be done, it’s crucial that you manage your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. You must pay attention to what you give your attention to. Be an active listener. Summarize and repeat back what you think you heard. Presume everyone is on the same team and working toward what is best both for the organization and for each other.

When was the last time you had to stop your brain from filling in a communication gap at work? Please share in the comments.