Gratitude – Page 2 – mardihumphreys.com

The Hard Way

Have you noticed that the skills you learned the hard way are the ones you remember best? Setting boundaries, creating margin, and disregarding toxic people’s opinions, are skills I learned through situations like my parents divorce, being the only female on my commercial production team, and working for a supervisor who only hired me to be his scapegoat. Through these experiences, I learned to adapt and be nimble. I was forced to discover my limits and figure out what to do when I reached them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Pollyanna. I’m a pirate. I’ve learned, and continue to practice, turning hardships over, around, and upside down looking for opportunity in the adversity in order to survive it. One of the ways I do this is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude is not a luxury for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it. I hope some of the things I do will work for you too.

Journal: Every morning I write down at least one thing in my gratitude journal that I’m thankful for from the previous day. I try not to be snarky. Statements like, “I’m grateful my gossipy coworker called in sick,” are not allowed. I mentioned my gratitude journal in an earlier post. Read more about it here.

Give: When it comes to money, I’m a saver. I tend to hold on to it too tightly. When I begin to resemble Ebenezer Scrooge, I look for ways to give some of it away anonymously. Gratitude reminds me to be thankful that since I have enough money to meet my needs, I can afford to give some of it away. For example: Paying the bill of the person behind me in the Starbucks drive thru line.

Serve: Serving doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind me at the Post Office, chatting with a lonely store owner during my canvassing, and letting someone with fewer items than me cut in the grocery store line. Gratitude reminds me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem and I don’t have to be another one.

So how have these three practices helped me in my career? When I’m in a difficult situation, gratitude reminds me that it’s temporary. As my grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” Remembering this helps me to relax and that vibe often attracts new connections. Luck is not only preparation meeting opportunity, it’s having an open mind and generous attitude. Networking is much easier if I’m genuinely interested in getting to know a person instead of just finding out what she can do for me. Gratitude helps me see light in dark circumstances. When I can see light at the end of a tunnel, I know what direction to head. I can formulate a plan to get around the obstacles in the tunnel and reach that light. Like when I have a project deadline looming and not enough crew, hours, or inventory to complete it, gratitude helps me focus on the fact that at least I have the project.

When work makes you feel small, stupid, sick, or stuck, practice gratitude. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Pay it forward because what goes around comes around. The love you take is equal to the love you make. These cliches are cliche because they are true. Gratitude is contagious. Go infect as many people as you can this week then tell me about it here:

Yes, Your Honor

We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.

Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”

No pressure.

My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.

My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.

Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.

I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M. effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here:

Old School

My Grandmother passed away last Saturday. I didn’t expect a viewing for a 90-year-old woman to be heavily attended, but over 100 people came with their condolences. It’s a testimony to her influence and legacy. She was 36 years old when I was born; young to be a grandmother. Consequently, I got to study her life for many years. Grammy was one of my first examples of working mothers. She was married, ran a household, volunteered at her church and raised two children all while working full time and she made it look easy. Here is what my grandmother taught me about work.

Take Your Passion and Make it Happen: Grammy loved Jesus Christ more than anything or anyone. Spreading His Gospel was her side gig. Grammy didn’t believe in addition. She was a multiplier like the old Faberge Organics Shampoo commercial (“I told two friends; and they told two friends, and so on…”). Grammy’s church was the biggest outlet for her love and during the years she was a member, hundreds of people benefited from her efforts. She taught the Ladies Sunday School Class for over 50 years. She managed funeral lunches. She sang in the choir. She made cookies for Vacation Bible School. When her kids were grown, did she mourn her empty nest? No. She took a turn in the nursery rocking babies on Sunday morning so parents could attend the service undistracted. When she retired, did she take it easy? No. She coordinated retreats for her Sunday School class to get away together and bond. When her husband passed away, did she shut herself off to grieve? No. She started a widow’s group. Does all this sound like work? It was. Grammy was always at church or working on its behalf, and for many of those years, simultaneously worked full time. She taught me to make time for what is important. Am I stuck in my career? Maybe I need to take an online class to improve my Excel skills, meet with my mentor, or update my LinkedIn profile. If advancing my career is important to me, I have to make time for it.

Whenever I Call You Friend: Grammy knew what everyone in her family was up to: brothers, sisters, in-laws, out-laws, children, grandchildren, great-grandchild, etc. She did it old school: personal encounters, snail mail, and on the phone. She did not own a computer and she had no social media accounts. Some of my most prized possessions are notes Grammy wrote me in birthday cards and voicemails she left on my cell. Grammy went to family reunions, church pot lucks, parties, recitals, and ball games. At these events, Grammy cultivated relationships. She asked questions and was interested in people. She taught me how to network. Social media is convenient, but it just doesn’t replace the impact of face to face interactions. I never know when a former coworker or a fellow volunteer is going to have an open position in her company, remember me fondly, and facilitate a job interview.

What’s Love Got to do With It?: Once I received a job offer over the phone while at Grammy’s house. I told her I was not thrilled about the position, but I needed the employment. Her response was, “You don’t have to retire from it.” I know “Find a career you love!” is trending, but the fact is, two-thirds of American workers are disengaged from their jobs. Grammy did not go after a high profile career. She had employment that paid bills so she could spend money on her church, her family, and herself (Man! That woman LOVED Longaberger baskets). She worked to cover her family with medical insurance and to earn a pension. She taught me if I don’t love my job, I need to find something else I do love. If I can do it as a side gig, even better. The right side gig might eventually turn full time.

One of Grammy’s favorite sayings was, “This too shall pass.” She said it in reference to whatever problem I was going through at the time. But, it’s not just problems that pass. It’s people. I’m grateful God allowed Norma Lee Maple Pelfrey to pass through my life.

Did your grandmother teach you anything about the workforce? Tell me about it here:

I Have Diabetes. It Doesn’t Have Me

I’m a (mostly) under-the-radar diabetic. I don’t show any outward signs attributable to the condition. For example: I don’t have to wear a medical alert bracelet and I still have both of my feet. The most common way I’m outed is when someone asks me what the secret to my weight loss is and I choose to tell the truth. Why do I hide it? Because I feel like diabetics are negatively perceived. As if we suffer from this disorder solely due to poor life style choices. Since I keep receiving requests to comment on it, here goes:

How I Got It: I had gestational diabetes (diabetes brought on by pregnancy) so I got a heads up Type 2 diabetes was a strong possibility for my future. After I gave birth, the doctor told me weight was a major factor in the onset of Type 2 and to watch it. So I did. Religiously. I rarely ate a French Fry or a doughnut. For. 20. YEARS. So you can imagine how angry I was to discover after a routine physical that my A1C (the test that measures three months worth of glucose in your blood) came back so high that I was labeled a diabetic and shoved into the matrix. I was prescribed a medicine and told to come back in three months for another test so I could start taking an additional medicine to protect my kidneys from the medicine I was just prescribed. I was handed a glucose monitor and testing supplies, told to stab myself before every meal, and to make an appointment with their diabetic specialist. My head spun. I went to the diabetic specialist and she was a God send. She was the voice of reason. She asked about my habits and lifestyle, then told me the factors that cause diabetes: genetics, weight, stress, and age. She determined my problems were genetics and age. She gave me a simple, but difficult, plan: Severely limit my carbohydrate intake.

How I Manage It: I am regimented. I have a minimum daily water intake requirement. I have a maximum carbohydrate allowance per meal and per snack. I have to watch the clock to make sure I don’t consume too many carbohydrates too close together. I have to measure and check serving sizes. I have to do math. I have to exercise every day. I have to test my blood glucose level on schedule. I have to see a doctor, diabetic specialist, optometrist, and podiatrist annually. I have to treat sugar like poison and carbohydrates like the enemy. I have to take food and water with me everywhere. I have to be extremely self-disciplined. I have to do a lot of meal prep. My diabetic specialist looked at my latest numbers and said, “What do you do, cook?! All the successful ones do.” “I have to,” I said. “Eating out is like negotiating a mine field.” I have to manage my emotions. I actually close my eyes during pizza commercials on TV. I have to resist lashing out at non-diabetics for not understanding how hard it is not to eat foods you love. Unfortunately, I do not always succeed.

How It Has Changed Me: Well, I’m 16 pounds lighter, my belly is always empty, my bladder is always full, and I’m hyper aware of the stigma of diabetes. Have you seen the TV commercials for diabetes drugs? Why are diabetics portrayed as overweight? According to the Center for Disease Control, In 2017, more than 100 million American adults are living with diabetes or prediabetes. So why aren’t there any diabetic friendly restaurants? I’m also a bit short tempered with those who don’t understand the condition and ask questions like: Why can’t you be spontaneous? Why do you have to carry all that stuff? Do you have to take a break right now? I never realized how awkward it is to not eat anything at parties until I couldn’t eat anything at parties. I smile and say no thank you a lot. I often offer to throw away a paper plate with a few crumbs on it that someone is finished with and move slowly to the trash can to make it look like I’m social. Sometimes denial hits: My numbers are so good and so consistent, I wonder if I really have diabetes. Maybe I can eat my hamburger on a bun this time. Then when I do, my number shoots sky high and reality hits. Hard. The bottom line is I’m very fortunate. My diabetic specialist’s plan has worked for two years now and she thinks if I keep working her plan, I can manage my condition without medicine in perpetuity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room. AGAIN.

If you are a Type 2 diabetic and have advice for me, particularly regarding diabetic friendly restaurants and/or low carbohydrate recipes, please comment here:

Thanks, Dad!

Mom says we always pose like this — The Best Dad a Girl Ever Had

Stepfathers are dads. Sometimes more so than biological ones. My dad entered my life when I was thirteen years old. He is a Vietnam veteran which explains why he wasn’t afraid to marry a woman with a teenage daughter. He is a man of few words, but the words he says are wise, funny, and caring. He is a man of action. He gets things done. When I got my first “real” job after college, I found our biggest point of connection was work. We could spend hours trading stories. As we wrap up Father’s Day 2018, here are some things my dad taught me about work:

Show Up: There are days you don’t want to get out of bed and go to work. Do it anyway. Dad is now retired, but for years he worked for a phone company. One of his responsibilities was repairing business equipment. He used to get a ton of overtime after severe thunderstorms getting switchboards back online because he answered their call for help when his coworkers refused. I observed Dad’s getting-ready-for-work routine first hand when we lived with my parents for a few months while waiting to move into our first house. Dad was always the first one up. He’d shower, put on the uniform, and get coffee. By the time he got to the coffee, I was up and getting ready for work. Looking back on all those moments we crossed paths at the coffee pot, I realize he set an example I still follow today. Get up, get coffee, get hustling.

Ignore Slackers: It doesn’t matter what the other guy is not doing. So one coworker takes five smoke breaks a day, and another one shows up late three times a week. Yes. It’s frustrating, but you reap what you sow. Sometimes these coworkers want you to cover for them and it’s uncomfortable refusing to bend to the peer pressure. Do the right thing. Management often knows more than you think. Maintain good habits: arrive on time, be courteous, get the job done. When you consistently do these things, you stand out from your peers and you advance.

Recognize Your Real Boss: You work for God. He is your provider, not the company. Sometimes the union and the company do not get along; usually at contract negotiation time. Every few years, all of us worried Dad would end up out of a job, but Dad kept going to work and doing his best anyway. By doing this, Dad made me realize I wasn’t working to please my boss, and it weirdly gave me a sense of freedom. Even now, It makes me want to continuously improve my skills, set higher goals, and step out of my comfort zone. Oddly, these are habits managers notice and for which they promote you. Funny how that works, huh?

Take Your Vacation: Once a year Dad took a week off work to fish with his friend. He also took time off to be with Mom. Even if they didn’t go anywhere, he didn’t leave that vacation time on the table. He is retired now, but still spends a week fishing because both rest and maintaining friendships are important. His example motivates me to maintain and strengthen my relationships. It’s okay to take a vacation day and go to lunch with my college roommate, stop working long enough to go away for a week with my husband, and put the laptop down and take our daughter to Target.

Be Generous: For years, Dad ran the sound board at his church. Not because he loves pulling microphone cables and running sound checks, but because they had a need he could fill. Now that he’s retired, he still supports his church both financially and volunteers his time. He helps care for his 90 year old mother-in-law both financially and helps maintain her house. These qualities make Dad one of the most respected men I know. Recently, Dad introduced me to several people at his church. All of them said how much they like and admire him. My response to each was the same, “Hey! Me too!” Isn’t that what all of us want? To do good work and be respected for it? Dad taught me you earn the respect of your coworkers and managers by not only getting your work done, but also by generously helping them get their work done. That’s how you contribute to building a strong team. Thanks, Dad!

What did your dad teach you about work? Do you have a great stepfather? Share your stories here:

Thanks Mom!

My mom once said to me, “I feel like I taught you how to be a good mother, but not a good wife.” I hope my husband disagrees with her on that point, but what I know for sure is she taught me how to be a good human. I apply her lessons to my roles as mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., everyday. I’m surprised how often Mom’s wisdom pops into my head at work. As Mother’s Day approaches, here is some of that wisdom:

People Come First – Mom was 18 years old when I was born. I was an unplanned pregnancy. She could have chosen not to have me. Instead, she raised me while going to college, getting her degree, then working as a nurse. Watching her journey, I decided to wait until I was 30 years old to become a mom. Yes, I watched her life and judged her choices. Your life and choices are being judged too; at your job. Do you put the interests of the company ahead of your own, or do you do as little as possible because that’s all you think it deserves? Do you enable the team’s success, or do you look for ways to take credit for the team’s work? Your manager will make decisions regarding your job performance based both on what you do and what you don’t do. The best practice is to both make sure your manager knows you “took one for the team,” and share credit for the success of the project with the team. Mom put my life ahead of hers. She teaches me that people come first.

Pick Your Battles – My Grandmother turns 90 years old this month and her health is fading. She lives on her own and Mom and my uncle share the responsibility of helping her stay in her house. They sometimes disagree on the best way to handle situations. Sometimes my mother chooses not to fight a battle that, in her place, I would choose to fight. Sometimes she lets my uncle take the lead and handle the task. I was reminded of this recently at the office. I kept getting frustrated with a colleague’s work. I thought, “Why does he do that? “Why doesn’t he do this?” Then I realized my circumstance was very similar to Mom and my uncle taking care of my grandmother. I chose to follow Mom’s lead and not only let the coworker do his job, but also offered to help. He took me up on the offer, which was a lesson in humility, but that is another blog for another time. Anyway, does this sound familiar? Do you have associates that can use your help instead of your criticism? Mom trains me to pick my battles.

Always Choose Generosity – Mom has a friend who is fighting cancer. She spends almost five hours every other week with this friend as she undergoes immunotherapy. Every Easter, Mom and her Sunday school class make “Widow Baskets.” These are filled with goodies they purchase like candy, lotions, and gift cards, then deliver to widowed ladies from her class. Mom volunteers tutoring students ages elementary through High School who need one-on-one attention in a quiet area in order to learn. I could go on, but I’m running out of space here. Does she reap any rewards from this generosity? Yes. People, particularly her Sunday school class, show their appreciation. But that’s not why she does all the things she does. Because she is a Christian, Mom always chooses generosity. At work, look for ways to be generous. Stop typing and listen when your cubicle mate is upset. Help colleagues with projects that are in your wheelhouse. Encourage your coworkers when they are struggling. Is someone’s mom sick? Set a task on your calendar to ask him about her once a week. Compliment your boss on a job well done. Use your company’s employee incentive program to reward team members for helping you. Generosity actually benefits you. People are more likely to help you when, in the past, you’ve helped them. Mom’s example inspires me to always choose generosity.

Be So Good At What You Do That You Are Impossible To Ignore – Mom is a life long learner. I vividly remember as a kid sitting at a desk in our kitchen with a blue colored pencil in my hand tracing veins in a picture of a human skull in Mom’s Grey’s Anatomy Coloring Book. She studied it for one of her nursing classes. Mom loves The Bible and has spent the years since her retirement from nursing studying it. She is also a natural leader. She is a wise communicator with both listening and speaking skills. This combination made her the obvious choice to permanently teach her Sunday school class when the need arose. Also, because of her years of training, Mom has a steady stream of women 40 – 50 years younger than she is asking her to disciple them. Her example taught me to hone my skills, work hard, and produce results. It’s difficult to be a woman in the workplace, but results are genderless. If sales are up 12% because of your efforts, the boss isn’t thinking about whether you are male or female. Be the Subject Matter Expert at something at your job: PowerPoint, customer service, patient follow up, whatever your passion is. If you to study it, practice it, and be the best you can be at it, others (your current employer or your next one) will pursue you. Mom proves you should be so good at what you do that you are impossible to ignore.

It’s Good To Have Hope – Mom has fibromyalgia. This makes every day unpredictable. Stuff gets on her nerves. Literally. She finds ways to cope like art journaling which has garnered her some attention and fans. What began as a coping mechanism has given her opportunity to show others how to use it as a creative outlet. When she faces a difficult day, she moves through it trusting God and hoping tomorrow will be better. She relies on one of my grandmother’s sayings: This too shall pass (again, another blog for another time). Mom’s approach teaches me to keep going and not give up. Don’t you throw in the towel either. Keep going to work. Keep looking for ways to improve process, to please the client, to give value to the customer. Whatever you do for a living, put in the effort and know it will eventually pay off and probably not in the way you expect. Mom shows me that none of us know what the day ahead will bring, but it is definitely more pleasant if you face it with a positive attitude. Mom knows it’s good to have hope.

What about you? What lessons did your mom teach you? Please share them with me here:

Get Into the Groove of Gratitude

positive vibes only — Photo by Dom J from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/notebook-writing-pencil-start-45718/

For five years I kept a jumbo sized coffee can on top of the refrigerator and called it the “Blessings Jar.” For five years I occasionally dropped a scrap of paper with a blessing written on it into the container. Each member of the family was supposed to do the same. Then on New Year’s Day, I’d spread the scraps of paper on the dining room table and everyone could remember how God had blessed us during the previous year. For five years I was the only one who consistently contributed scraps of paper to the ginormous coffee can gathering dust on top of the refrigerator. The last year we did this, I found 11 scraps of paper; all written by me. That’s when I knew the Blessings Jar had to go.

Not a big deal. If I’m the only one in the house who needs help remembering God’s faithfulness throughout the year, then I can do it in something that doesn’t require dusting. Our daughter was disappointed the Blessings Jar retired, but I suggested we each record our blessings in something smaller and more private. That way there is no pressure or public shaming if one of us chose not to participate. Consequently, my Gratitude Journal was born. It was supposed to be like the 100 Happy Days on Facebook without the guilt. I mean come on, doesn’t everyone give up before reaching Day 50? At any rate, here is what I do and how it has influenced me so far.

The Rules:

Every morning get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and open the journal.
Write three sentences about something that happened yesterday for which I’m grateful. I write about yesterday because something could happen while I’m asleep, like the time our daughter drove home safely in a snowstorm.
Avoid negative gratitude (IE: “I’m so grateful Coworker X called in sick so I didn’t have to endure him standing at my desk and yammering at me all day.”). Although, I have said – “Grateful for a quiet day at the office.” I want to keep it positive because at the end of the year, I hope my family will read through it and see that the things I’m grateful for often include them.

The Benefits:

Beginning my day dwelling on the good things I do have prevents me from sliding into thoughts of what I do not have. It’s wise to start the day on a positive note.
Since I know I’m going to have to write something, I find myself actually looking for things throughout the day for which to be grateful.
It gives me an excuse to buy notebooks (I love notebooks – don’t know why – can’t explain it) and stickers. Yes. Stickers. When I started the Gratitude Journal, I found some just lying around and decided to use them for emphasis and now I can’t stop. Childish? Maybe, but fun and harmless so – Meh!

Maybe it’s time for you to start a Gratitude Journal. Some high profile women are enthusiastic supporters. Oprah Winfrey kept a nightly gratitude journal for ten years while doing her talk show. “You radiate and generate more goodness for yourself when you’re aware of all you have and not focusing on your have-nots,” she said. Also, Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel have a nice take on this practice in their book, We, A Manifesto For Women Everywhere (Essential Practice 1: Gratitude pages 5 – 11).

Whether you use a coffee can, a journal, or a phone app, try recording a thing or two for which you are grateful everyday. Then let me know how it affected your outlook here: