Communication – Page 4 – mardihumphreys.com

We Just Disagree

When you put two or more human beings in a room together, it won’t be long until they find something to disagree about. Throw in a complicated project for a demanding client that takes weeks to deliver and you have a recipe for major conflict to erupt. It’s not a question of if you have conflict with your coworkers, but when. Here are three ways to manage it.

1. Rip off the Band-Aid

Conflict is like a wound. If left untreated, it can get infected and hurt the whole team. Going to the source and clearing the air as soon as you recognize conflict keeps it from spreading. When I feel like a coworker’s vibe toward me is negative, in private, I ask if I’ve unwittingly offended him. Sometimes, I’m the one who feels offended, but I still go to the person I feel has offended me. Often conflict is a result of miscommunication, so the first thing I do is listen to his issue. I try to ignore any emotion either one of us is feeling and concentrate on the words he’s saying. Then I reflect back to him what he said in the form of a question, “You’re stumbling over _____ because _____. Is that right?” If I’ve offended him, I apologize. If he offended me, I forget about blame and I don’t expect an apology. I can’t change his personality, but I can ask him to modify his behavior. If the situation is a misunderstanding, my coworker now knows I’m not afraid of conflict and I’m willing to deal with the source instead of gossiping to the rest of the team.

2. You need to calm down

If a coworker gets angry, talks sarcastically, or raises his voice, I do the opposite. I control my non-verbals: uncross my arms, put on a poker face, and speak in a soft tone. It can feel like an attack, but another person’s opinion of my decision is only his opinion. Just because he’s mad doesn’t mean he’s right. He’s not open to the possibility of being wrong when he’s mad, so I refrain from pointing out flawed logic while he’s venting. Why he feels so strongly about a perceived slight could have absolutely nothing to do with me. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

3. Find the yes

There’s more than one way to bake a cake, everyone wants to do it their own way, and sometimes they are very vocal about it. What I need to find is a solution everyone can live with (not necessarily agree on) so we can have cake; er, I mean, a deliverable. When a discussion gets heated, I throw water on the fire instead of gasoline. I try to find either common ground, something positive they did to further this project, or something we agreed on in the past in order to build a compromise.

Conflict is inevitable. When we learn to perceive it as data to be analyzed and interpreted we can mitigate it more quickly.

Do you have a favorite strategy to manage conflict with your coworkers? Please share your tips in the comment section below.

You May be a Leader

Time for a riddle:
What’s the difference between someone who is a leader and someone who is in charge?

Answer:
Leader = one who glues a team together and gets things done
Bureaucrat = one who is titled and officially in charge

Can this be the same person? Sure. Is it always? (That’s not a riddle.) If you don’t have a managerial title, how can you tell if you’re a leader?

Leadership is simply influence and everyone has it. You probably lead something or someone whether or not you recognize it as leadership. To find out, ask yourself these 10 questions.

1. Do I live in the future?

If you look two weeks down the road, plan two steps ahead, or see what currently exists and how it could be used to create something that doesn’t yet exist, you may be a leader.

2. Do I look at current processes and imagine how they could be improved?

When a coworker says, “But this is the way we’ve always done it.” If you say, “Yeah, but what if we can find a better way?” you may be a leader.

3. Do I communicate clearly?

If you can present the overview of how to achieve the project’s deliverable, as well as the steps necessary to create it, you may be a leader.

4. Do I collect people into teams?

If you identify coworkers who share your value system, solicit their opinions on your projects, invite collaboration, and facilitate partnership, you may be a leader.

5. Do I hate waste?

If you know a teammate has an underused ability that can enhance the project, and you appeal to their sense of purpose to focus it on accelerating the project, you may be a leader.

6. Do I reproduce myself?

If you teach teammates how to do what you do thereby sharing your power and encouraging them to find theirs, you may be a leader.

7. Do I connect people?

If you meet someone at a networking event and immediately think, “How can I help this person achieve her goals?” you may be a leader.

8. Do I eliminate obstacles?

If you know what action to take to keep the project moving toward completion and do it, if you ask for forgiveness instead of seeking approval, or if you think any decision is better than no decision, you may be a leader.

9. Do I make wise choices?

If you filter decisions through your company’s mission statement, you may be a leader.

10. Do I think more about others than about me?

If your main concern is advancing the project, even if it means a coworker will outshine you, you may be a leader.

The bureaucrat has the fancy title and big salary because he is held responsible for the team’s success. The leader has influence to achieve that success. If that person is not one and the same in your workplace, follow the leader.

Do you have managers in your office who aren’t leaders? Do you have managers in your office who are leaders? Please share your observations in the comments section.

There’s Nothing Holding Me Back

Do you compare yourself to others? How’s that workin’ out for ya? Most of us have an innate sense of competition. Your teammate reaching his sales goal while you struggle frustrates you. You’re jealous when a coworker receives a promotion and you don’t. But just because someone is winning doesn’t mean you’re losing. You can allow these circumstances to set the bar you pole vault over. Here are four things you can do to be your own competition.

Determine what success means to you. It will look different on you than on those to whom you compare yourself. Use your definition to filter your decisions, actions, and goals. For example, do you want a promotion? If your company thinks customer service is important, make sure you are giving your customers great service. When a customer compliments you on how you treated her, be proactive. Give her your manager’s email address and ask her to send your manager a brief note.

Write down your S.M.A.R.T. goals. It isn’t enough just to think about them. Track them weekly. At the end of the month, ask yourself: What went well? What didn’t? What could I have done differently? What action will I take to improve? This will help you maintain focus. When you get distracted from your goals, you get disoriented. This makes improvement and success both harder and slower to obtain. Develop habits that concentrate on your own path and no one else’s. At the end of the day ask yourself: Am I better today than I was yesterday? Did I stop a negative thought and replace it with a positive action step?

Have a conversation (over coffee, of course). Brainstorm with a confidante who doesn’t have your same job title. Someone outside your industry has a different perspective and sees possibilities you can’t. Even if what they suggest isn’t feasible for you, the point isn’t for them to give you a new business model, it’s to pull you out of the spin cycle in your head so you can think differently about your situation. I had coffee recently with a former coworker I’d not spoken to in about a year. Just by catching up we saw things in each other’s journeys that left us with new ways to approach our jobs.

Take a break. Does social media impact how you think of yourself? There is always going to be someone else with a bigger house, a nicer car, and a more exciting life. If their Instagram posts inspire you to push forward, great. But remember, those people are advertising their values and goals which are not necessarily the same as yours. You can’t generate momentum to reach your goals if your attention is diverted to someone else’s. Don’t compare yourself to other people living their best lives. If scrolling makes you miserable, close the apps for a while.

You are unique. Even with the same job title, you’re different from your coworker. You don’t have the same abilities, resources, obligations, motivations, or challenges. You are your biggest competition.

What adjustments do you make when you realize you’re the only one holding you back? Please share them in the comments section.

I’m Freezing

Phone rings

HER: Hello. Widgets R Us. How may I direct your call?
ME: May I speak to your IT Director please?
HER: (suspicious tone) Which one? We have a department full of them.
ME: Uh…the one who does the troubleshooting
HER: (annoyed tone) They all do the troubleshooting. Hang on. I’ll see who’s back there.
ME: Thank you.

37 seconds go by. The music from final Jeopardy plays in my head.

HIM: Widgets R Us, this is Him. How can I help you?
ME: (gives elevator speech in pleasant tone)…Do you have any IT issues we can help you with?
HIM: (heavy sigh) We already have someone who does our IT. (Hangs up)

Well, THAT went well.

My cold call game stinks. Even if I make it past the gate keeper, more often than not, I have to leave a voicemail. We all know it’s a numbers game. In May, I made 22 calls, talked to 7 people, got 2 appointments and 0 jobs. Also in May, I sent 61 emails, got 24 replies, made 6 appointments, and got 3 jobs. Given that data sample I’m wondering, has the cold call been replaced by the cold email?

Pros to cold email:

The message gets right to the decision maker
They can be written and sent anytime 24/7/365
If you are a better writer than speaker, email is more comfortable
If you get a reply, you have time to stop, think, and gather intelligence on the prospect through any number of sources: LinkedIn, Google, the prospect’s website, etc.

There is one big con to cold email: it’s easily ignored. You don’t even know if it was received, much less read; unless you put a read receipt on it and that can annoy your recipient.

When cold emailing, here are some things I do:

Use as few words in the subject line as possible
Open with something or someone in common to start the conversation pleasantly
Write a sentence about a project I’m working on and how it occurred to me that his company might have the same challenge; then ask if he’d like to hear more
Carefully proofread; especially when sending more than six at a time. I look for mismatched information (e.g., Does the email address match the decision maker’s name?)
I incorporate the company’s name in the body of the message so the email is easily found in my sent folder

When I Googled, “What is better cold calling or cold emailing?” I got back a page full of blog posts and most of them suggested doing both; which makes sense to me. Sending a prospect an email gives me an excuse to call her and ask, “Did you have an opportunity to read it? Do you have any questions?”

Is this one-two punch the best option? No. Face to face is. Relationships are best built looking someone in the eye, asking her what her company does, thinking about how what my company does can help her, and brainstorming what we can accomplish together.

Do you have to make cold calls? Do you prefer cold emailing? Have you tracked data on which activity gets you better results? Please share your experience in the comments section.

It Depends

Over coffee, a friend asked how my new job was going. I told her my trainer is a former calculus teacher, so I’ve assumed the role of student in order to communicate. She said, “Isn’t it funny how we just do that? How we instinctively alter our personalities? When in Rome…” Which made me wonder, why do we do that? It’s beyond mimicking an arm crossing, leaning in to show non-verbal agreement, or any number of behaviors that help synch us as humans. This behavior actually has a name: situationism. It’s the theory that human behavior is determined by surrounding circumstances rather than by personal qualities. I started researching situationism and it made me wonder a few things.

Do women alter behavior more than men? I didn’t find a definitive answer in my queries. If you’re curious and go searching, please let me know what you find out. I found an interesting (and unsettling) article that counsels women how to communicate with men if they are the only female on a team. If there is demand for articles like this, (and I found far more articles for being the only woman on the team than for being the only man on the team, btw) it leads me to believe women do change our behavior more than men.

Could situationism be a contributing factor to the gender wage gap? This article says the causes of the gender wage gap are female under representation in executive positions, gender discrimination on the job, and socially enforced gender roles. In meetings I’m often the only female in the room. I use gentle persuasion and ask leading questions when I’m trying to prove a point or get the team to act on my ideas. I operate on the you-catch-more-flies-with-honey-than-with-vinegar theory, when what I really want to do is say, “Hey guys, here’s the plan.” This situationism means I’m participating in the socially enforced gender role of sensitive nurturer that keeps women out of leadership positions, but I don’t think I’d succeed as often if I tried to be more dominant.

Is situationism keeping women out of C-Suite positions? Female leadership style is typically leading by example and developing talent. Male leadership is typically more command and control. Women are expected to foster and cultivate which aren’t generally viewed as leadership qualities. Men tend to take charge and try to establish dominance. When women display the aforementioned male qualities, we are viewed negatively. Often as a result of these differences, women can be excluded from out of the office bonding moments, like on the golf course for example. Being left out of informal networking opportunities denies women the chance to connect with potential mentors and/or managers who can promote us.

My friend’s observation led me to some interesting speculations. Please check out the links I’ve provided and explore for yourself. I never thought about situationism before, but it explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Have you ever morphed your personality to better communicate with your coworkers? Please share your story in the comments section.

Happy (Step) Father’s Day!

I saw these words on a T-Shirt the other day: I’m not a stepfather. I’m the father that stepped up. It made me think about my relationship with my stepfather and the truth in that statement. You hear so many stories, like Ellen DeGeneres’s, of stepfathers hurting their wives’ kids, that my story with my stepfather reads like a fairy tale.

When Dad (that’s what I call my stepfather; he’s earned the title) married Mom, I was 13 years old and living with my biological father and his new family. When that didn’t work out, I moved in with Mom and Dad. Surprise! It’s an angst-ridden teenage girl! Lucky you! He’s a Vietnam War veteran who views challenges as invitations, so he dove right in the stepparent pool. I learned many things about work from him which you can read about here. He also has some catch phrases that help me in my career. Here are three.

You can’t over communicate. Once, when I was a teenager, Dad was to pick me up from an evening Spanish club field trip to Chi-Chi’s (remember those?). I assumed he’d pick me up at school, but instead, he went to the restaurant which was 10 miles away. After a hard day at work he was not pleased with the inconvenience of the extra driving and time spent searching for me. I learned to be more clear in giving instructions. I’m reminded of this when making arrangements for my team to meet with my clients’ teams. Do I have the who, what, when, where, why, and hows covered?

Trrrry it. You’ll liiiike it. He usually said this in reference to food, but it comes to mind when my boss gives me a project that overwhelms me. Just try. Just start. I pick the low hanging fruit first so that sense of accomplishment gives me confidence to figure out the next step. Then I take the next step, and the next one, and eventually the project is done.

Just jump in and help. This is actually how Kat Cole went from being a Hooters waitress to the President of Cinnabon. Bottom line for both Dad and Kat: when something needs done, do it. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s in your job description. In fact, it’s better if it’s not because 1) You learn a new skill. 2) You’re viewed by management as a utility player. 3) You earn the gratitude of the person or team you helped giving you the right to ask for their help in the future.

Dad is retired now, but he’s still parenting as well as teaching me lessons about work. As I write this, he texted asking if I’m okay. My car is in the shop so earlier today he drove 45 minutes to my office, picked me up, drove me 45 more minutes to a meeting downtown and left when I secured a ride back to the office with a coworker. His thoughtfulness reminds me I have some follow up emails to send.

Do you have a stepparent? Has he/she taught you lessons about employment? Please share them in the comments section.

Boxed In

When anyone asks me how old I am, I reply, “I stopped keeping track at 30.” It feels a bit defensive, but once I’m labeled as of a certain age I’m immediately put in a certain box. I’m hyper-conscious I have two strikes against me in the American workforce: I’m a woman over 35 years old. It’s harder for my tribe to get potential employers’ attention with every passing day. Some of the children who were taught to help old ladies across the street and carry old men’s groceries to their cars have grown into adult hiring managers who label anyone with a touch of grey hair as weak, forgetful, and when they’re your employees, expensive. Three examples come to mind:

1) People are considered elderly at 65 years old, but the full retirement age in America is 67. Rumor has it the retirement age will be raised to 70 pretty soon, so there are plenty of people who need to work for at least three more years and be carried on their employers’ insurance policies. These employees typically use more insurance benefits than their younger coworkers, raising the cost of premiums for all employees. But there are loads of healthy older employees positively contributing to their organization’s bottom line thanks to adopting healthy lifestyles, preventative medicine, and a mindset of perpetual learning; especially about emerging technology. We should be judged on our contributions and considered for the same opportunities as anyone else.

2) The general assumption is older workers require a higher wage. This seems to be especially apparent in the tech sector. Dan Lyons recounts his experience of getting laid off in his book, Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Startup Bubble. He was informed the company could use his salary to hire five kids out of college. But if the company is full of recent graduates, who has the experience and wisdom to guide the team? Where are the mentors? The Subject Matter Experts? These are the people who, when crisis hits, fall back on their training to carry the team and save projects. With the growing interest in encore careers, workers in their 40’s and 50’s are making more lateral moves in terms of salary. We consider benefits like flex-time, working remotely, paid time off to volunteer, and employer paid higher education, at least as important as wages when negotiating a compensation package.

3) Ageism affects everyone. We assume we’re talking about older workers, but remember when you were considered too young to do something? Like rent a car at 22 years old? If we have to be 25-35 years old to be employable in America, we’re headed for an economic crisis. Ageism comes from inside an organization. It’s systematic and terrifying.

We’ll all be in boxes eventually. Cemeteries are full of them. Can we please be judged on our accomplishments and character instead of our statistical potential to drain the company’s resources? How do we combat ageism in our companies without getting fired? I’d love to see your opinions in the comments section.

Going Solo

adult-audience-celebration — Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Thank you for all the tips you gave me after my post on networking solo. Some of them came in handy at events I recently attended. Like finding someone sitting alone who looked as scared as I felt. It worked! It turned out he works at a business for which my company recently subcontracted. This led to using another tip: find something in common to discuss. With the experience of attending a couple more speed dating type events under my belt, a pattern is emerging. Here are some of their common elements:

Gobs of people on their phones
Carbohydrate loaded snacks
People continuously scanning the room for other people they already know
The chair at the end of the row is always claimed first
Booths stocked with swag to lure attendees into conversation
An extrovert working the room like a circus ringmaster (“Register for our mailing list!”)
Opening remarks asking if this is anyone’s first time (not cool to out us newbies, btw)
Presentations that were WAY too busy (Slides with lists and pictures crowding the screen so badly they are exhausting to read)
Speakers who seemed to be fund raising (Sponsoring a hole for your next golf outing will guarantee me revenue. Really?!)
Microphone issues
Dignitaries telling us how great we were, how they appreciated us, and now go forth and connect!
Help desks staffed by knowledgeable and friendly people

One event offered an app with PUSH notifications which came in handy when one of my scheduled meetings cancelled because that’s the only way I knew it was off. Another event had great signage from the moment I pulled into the parking lot. I made the most connections talking to the vendors, eating lunch with other attendees, and talking to other participants waiting in line around me for our turns at the popular exhibition booths.

These events felt like Kindergarten recess. You walk up to the tetherball pole (in this case a booth). You wait for someone to make eye contact, then you say, “Hi! I’m (Your Name Here), what’s your name?” and the game begins. It’s not so painful since a connection is all you’re looking for. You just need someone who will hit the ball back for a few minutes, am I right?

Any more networking tips for me? What about for following up after an event? Please leave your advice in the comments section.

The Blame Game

Ever think about taking shortcuts at work? Sometimes in weekly meetings with my manager I’d think, “It would just be so easy to blame Joe Sixpack and his long smoke breaks for production being down this month.” When in reality, if I’d made 20 more cold calls two weeks ago, we probably could’ve reached our monthly goal. In that moment, I had to decide whether or not I would be accountable. businessdictionary.com defines accountability as: “The obligation of an individual or organization to account for its activities, accept responsibility for them, and to disclose the results in a transparent manner. It also includes the responsibility for money or other entrusted property.”

Why should accountability matter to you?

Because it directly affects your team’s productivity, efficiency, and morale; particularly when there’s a lack of accountability. Productivity wanes because who wants to work hard next to someone who is lazy then listen to excuses for why his work isn’t done? Efficiency decreases because now your team wonders who has what role: “I thought Joe Sixpack was responsible for ordering inventory, but maybe Jane Merlot really is.” Morale declines because trust is gone and everyone feels the need to constantly protect their rears. But should you account for circumstances beyond your control? Let’s say I actually made those 20 additional cold calls two weeks ago and we still didn’t make our monthly goal. Then what? I still have to acknowledge I didn’t accomplish what was expected, but I’d ask my manager what I can do differently to reach this month’s goal.

How do you demonstrate accountability?

When you make a mistake admit it. If you can come up with a way to not make it again, have that plan ready when questioned about it. E.g.: “For inventory, I ordered 4000 widgets when I meant to order 400. I’ll ask Jane to double check my data entry before submitting the next order.” Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep and keep the promises you make. If you can’t come through, let the team know ASAP. Also brief them on what you’re doing to fix the situation. To track your accountability progress, try journaling. Here’s one that only takes five minutes. Or find an accountability partner. You can keep each other honest and on track to reaching your individual goals. Show your manager you’re serious about accountability with updates during your weekly 1:1s. If your manager doesn’t hold weekly meetings with you, write a status report on your own. What did you spend your week doing? Being able to quickly pull up a report detailing all your past projects could save your job during cutbacks. At the very least, this list makes annual performance review prep super easy.

Once your boss realizes you’re someone who knows they make mistakes and is brave enough to own them, fix them, and not repeat them, she’ll keep coming back to you with projects. A reputation for accountability adds value and security to your position.

What do you do to prove accountability to either your manager or your team? Please share in the comments section below.

Is There Something I Should Know?

When my friend found out I got a job with a company she was familiar with, she said, “Wait a minute. Are you smart? Because these guys are like, Big Bang Theory smart.” No pressure.

She’s right. I work with brilliant people. Everyday I’m reminded of how little I know; which is good. It both keeps me humble and forces me to learn new things. Walking into the office in the morning, I’m blissfully ignorant and full of confidence. Walking out of the office in the afternoon, I’m dolefully aware and have a to-learn list. Feeling like I know something when I actually don’t has a name: Unconscious Incompetence. And it’s dangerous. It prevents me from recognizing certain situations as problems, so I’m unaware I need help solving them. It’s the classic stage one of the learning model.

Right about now you’re asking yourself: “How do I know if I’m Unconsciously Incompetent?” You can get clues by using a process. For example, when your manager gives you an assignment, ask:

Q: What is the project?
A: Proofreading a report.
Q: What does she want done?
A: In addition to grammar and spellcheck, look at comma use and sentence fragments. Track any changes.
Q: When is it due?
A: One week from today.
Q: What should the deliverable look like?
A: A 12 page report in the company’s preferred format.

For bigger projects, give your manager regular status reports so she can course correct and ask her for KPIs. This mitigates the danger of misusing data or unintentionally ignoring important information. It decreases the odds you’ll be perceived as underperforming or at the other extreme, overconfident. This process can reveal what you don’t know. If you have much to learn, you now have time to either acquire the skills you need or reach out to a skilled team member for help before the deadline.

How can you proactively combat Unconscious Incompetence?
– Discover your weaknesses: Ask a trusted coworker where he thinks your blind spots are. Ask a friend what she think your strengths and weaknesses are.
–Take a skills test: like Strengths finder 2.0 (look for it at your local library) or you can take a free course on Lynda.com.
–Find out what skills your company values: These will be your learning objectives. For example: If your company is hiring programmers, learn some basic coding (Also from Lynda.com; it doesn’t have to cost money). There’s no point in learning to basketweave if your company doesn’t sell baskets. Learn a skill that will help you keep your (or get a new) job.
–Reflect: Recall a time you realized you didn’t know something. What did you do then? Did you read a book? Take a class? Interview a coworker who was a subject matter expert? Can you repeat that process in this situation?

Realizing you are Unconsciously Incompetent can be embarrassing at first, but it’s crucial for identifying the next step in growing your career, and that’s exciting!

Ever been Unconsciously Incompetent at work? Please share what you did to bridge your knowledge gap in the comments section below.