Photo by Julia Larson
This is part two of four in the series: Independently Owned and Operated.
Disagreement over project management, differences in communication styles, and defensive personalities impact people, processes, and profits. When you let go of minor clashes with coworkers you prevent negative energy from impeding productivity for the entire team. But what do you do when you have ongoing conflict with a coworker?
Flip the Script
Conflict is inevitable in any workplace and it’s not always bad. If you expect it, then you are ready to do your part to constructively resolve it. Frame conflict in your mind as a learning opportunity. One of your most powerful tools to disrupt destructive patterns of conflict is active listening. When a conflict sparks, emotions run high, and communication breaks down. By actively listening to your teammate (make eye contact, nod in acknowledgment, paraphrase what you heard, and say it back to them) you demonstrate empathy and a genuine desire to understand their perspective. This not only ensures clarity, it also deescalates emotion. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. This is not an admission of guilt. It’s a declaration of empowerment. It demonstrates you have agency to shape the outcome. After actively listening to your coworker’s position, communicate your position in 30 seconds or less. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say “I feel frustrated when…” instead of “You always do…” Receive their feedback as objectively as possible.
Walk a Mile
Put yourself in your teammate’s shoes. What is driving their behavior? What do they have at stake? Understanding their motivation helps you find common ground. Conflict resolution is not about winning or losing. It’s about working together to move forward. Acknowledge, assume, and appreciate that you both want the best solution to the conflict. If they did not care, then there would not be conflict so get curious. Is it possible to collaborate for a win-win outcome? Can merging your different perspectives address the root cause of your on-going conflict? It’s likely the solution you reach together will be stronger than a solution either of you will achieve on your own.
Recruit a Referee
You may not be able to resolve on-going conflict on your own. When it seems insurmountable, it’s time to bring in a neutral third party, like your manager or someone from HR. Ask them to facilitate a structured conversation. This needs to be a safe space for open communication and a confidential discussion. Do not jump to conclusions or assign blame. Do acknowledge your part in the situation and ask for honest feedback. The third party is removed from the emotion of the conflict and they have a higher-level view of it than both you and your teammate. This, combined with their experience, enables them to give you new ideas for resolution.
Continuous Improvement
Every conflict offers opportunity for personal and professional growth. Make time to reflect on the conflict resolution process. What worked well? What could be improved? What do you wish you’d done or said? What do you wish you had not done or said? Use each experience to refine your skills. Conflicts don’t have to be roadblocks. You can make them stepping stones to success.
Are you in conflict with a coworker? How are you working through it? Please share in the comments.