Mardi Humphreys

Get Into the Groove of Gratitude

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For five years I kept a jumbo sized coffee can on top of the refrigerator and called it the “Blessings Jar.” For five years I occasionally dropped a scrap of paper with a blessing written on it into the container. Each member of the family was supposed to do the same. Then on New Year’s Day, I’d spread the scraps of paper on the dining room table and everyone could remember how God had blessed us during the previous year. For five years I was the only one who consistently contributed scraps of paper to the ginormous coffee can gathering dust on top of the refrigerator. The last year we did this, I found 11 scraps of paper; all written by me. That’s when I knew the Blessings Jar had to go.

Not a big deal. If I’m the only one in the house who needs help remembering God’s faithfulness throughout the year, then I can do it in something that doesn’t require dusting. Our daughter was disappointed the Blessings Jar retired, but I suggested we each record our blessings in something smaller and more private. That way there is no pressure or public shaming if one of us chose not to participate. Consequently, my Gratitude Journal was born. It was supposed to be like the 100 Happy Days on Facebook without the guilt. I mean come on, doesn’t everyone give up before reaching Day 50? At any rate, here is what I do and how it has influenced me so far.

The Rules:

Every morning get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and open the journal.
Write three sentences about something that happened yesterday for which I’m grateful. I write about yesterday because something could happen while I’m asleep, like the time our daughter drove home safely in a snowstorm.
Avoid negative gratitude (IE: “I’m so grateful Coworker X called in sick so I didn’t have to endure him standing at my desk and yammering at me all day.”). Although, I have said – “Grateful for a quiet day at the office.” I want to keep it positive because at the end of the year, I hope my family will read through it and see that the things I’m grateful for often include them.

The Benefits:

Beginning my day dwelling on the good things I do have prevents me from sliding into thoughts of what I do not have. It’s wise to start the day on a positive note.
Since I know I’m going to have to write something, I find myself actually looking for things throughout the day for which to be grateful.
It gives me an excuse to buy notebooks (I love notebooks – don’t know why – can’t explain it) and stickers. Yes. Stickers. When I started the Gratitude Journal, I found some just lying around and decided to use them for emphasis and now I can’t stop. Childish? Maybe, but fun and harmless so – Meh!

Maybe it’s time for you to start a Gratitude Journal. Some high profile women are enthusiastic supporters. Oprah Winfrey kept a nightly gratitude journal for ten years while doing her talk show. “You radiate and generate more goodness for yourself when you’re aware of all you have and not focusing on your have-nots,” she said. Also, Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel have a nice take on this practice in their book, We, A Manifesto For Women Everywhere (Essential Practice 1: Gratitude pages 5 – 11).

Whether you use a coffee can, a journal, or a phone app, try recording a thing or two for which you are grateful everyday. Then let me know how it affected your outlook here:

Eliminate Embarrassing Email

We’ve all done it. Hit send and immediately regretted it. You forgot the attachment (again). This is actually harder to do since Outlook now reads my messages, notices keywords, and puts up a dialogue box asking if I meant to include an attachment. It’s a great (but creepy) update. Or you realize you hit Reply All and should have just hit Reply because now 15 people know you think Janet’s work is sub par. Including Janet. Before you hit Send, take a millisecond to think about these five things:

WLS (Write, Leave, Send)
When I write an instructive email, especially if it’s in response to a frustrating situation, I compose a draft. I remove the recipients’ names and addresses if it’s a reply, and I write whatever I want. Then I minimize it and do something else for at least five minutes. When I go back to it, I edit it down to just the facts. Then leave it for another five minutes. I read over it one more time before adding the addresses and sending. The email ends up to the point and lacks any emotion I may have had ten minutes prior.

Is This Really a Phone Call?
I’d rather send an email than make a phone call any day of the week. But sometimes communication through email just can’t be clear enough and a conversation is necessary. If you’ve written three paragraphs and still haven’t gotten to your main point, pick up the phone. Particularly if you are writing to your client. Particularly if the topic is sensitive. You may even need to FaceTime/Skype the client so she can see your non-verbals.

Assume Your Message Will be Interpreted Negatively
After writing your message, read it out loud to yourself. Is there any possible way in the world it can be interpreted as sarcastic or offensive? Sometimes when we try to be cute or funny, we fail. Epically. And it comes off as negative. If you’ve known your recipient for less than two years, or if it’s a client, it is safer to keep email more professional than personal. And for Heaven’s sake, skip the emojis. They are not meant for professional email correspondence. Save the red heart eyes for your mom.

One Long or a Few Short?
I’ve found that when I have more than three questions, I need to send multiple emails. If I put more than three questions in a message, inevitably one question remains unanswered and I end up rephrasing it and asking again – sending an additional message anyway. It’s also more gratifying to unflag multiple replies. I enjoy checking things off my task list. I’m a nerd that way.

Short and Sweet
Good email communication is brief and positive. Thomas Jefferson said, “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.” My Grammy said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” Both are good pieces of advice for composing email.

Bottom line: Communication on a difficult subject should probably not be done through email. And whatever you do, check and double check your To: list before sending. For your sake as well as Janet’s.

Do you have any email tips for me? Share them here:

Are People Following You? Then You’re A Leader

I once worked as a first grade teacher’s aide at the Christian school my daughter attended. I was responsible for things like story time, recess, taking the class to and from PE, and facilitating reading groups. So, the 21 students and I had plenty of time to bond (and test my boundaries). By the middle of the school year, we knew each other well enough to have fun together. For example: Everyday I picked the students up from lunch. When they saw me at the door with my hand raised, they formed a single line in front of me. After a quick head count, I asked in drill sergeant style, “Where do your lunch boxes go?” They replied, “To the left, to the left!” To which I responded, “Everything you own in a box to the left!” (song credit: Beyonce.) And off we went back to class. One day after witnessing this spectacle, the headmaster stopped us in the hall outside the lunchroom. I anticipated a reprimand, but instead he complemented me on my unique leadership style. I said, “Sir, I’m not a leader. I’m just trying to get their right hands free to hold onto the stair railing.” He said, “Mrs. Humphreys, look behind you. You literally have 21 people following you. Like it or not, you are a leader.” The moral of the story? Official titles don’t matter. If people follow you then you are a leader. Are you a reluctant leader? You are if you have these qualities:

You make decisions – If people ask you “What do you think of ______?” then you are a leader. In situations where a group decision has to be made, I look around at the people who outrank me and see if they are going to decide. If no one speaks up, I ask some questions to spur brainstorming. If that doesn’t spark a decision, I throw out some options; sometimes even suggest a course of action. Does that sound like something you’ve done? Then you are a leader.

You are a servant – A good leader is actually a servant. She is kind, humble, and generous. She puts the best interests of her team or organization before her own. A good leader can’t be selfish. Taken to the extreme, a selfish leader is a dictator. People end up either miserably following him or quitting. If you have found yourself in a situation where you could not do your job until Mary did hers, then helped Mary finish her task (but didn’t do it for her), then you are a leader.

You know what motivates people – A good leader knows both what motivates those around her and what their strengths are. Then she plays to those things. For example: John has just been put in charge of coordinating the department’s presentation to the client, but you know he works better solo than in a group. So you quietly remind your manager that John is an Excel ninja and suggest he be reassigned to chart the Year-To-Date statistics for the presentation instead. You played both to John’s strength and the manager’s motivation for an excellent presentation. Guess what? You are a leader.

But what if you don’t want to be a leader? It’s too much responsibility, You don’t feel like you’re a good role model. Yada, yada, yada. Suck it up, Buttercup. Like it or not, you’re a leader so be a good one. Start with small acknowledgements to yourself that you lead your family, your team at work, your crew of volunteers at church, etc. Be aware of how you treat others. Start with just being kind. Have your people’s backs. Encourage them with compliments on tasks well done. It’s not all bad, it’s not always difficult, and it can be rewarding. As John Quincy Adams said, “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

What other qualities do leaders have in common? Share your thoughts here:

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

Like it or not we live in a 140 character society. I know a few pastors who REALLY don’t like it. I, on the other hand, LOVE it. I’m all about the KISS theory of communication (Keep It Simple Sister!). If you have to explain your idea too much, you haven’t communicated it very well. Your message does not need more words. It needs better words. Author Verlyn Klinkenborg says, “You can say smart, interesting, complicated things using short sentences. How long is a good idea?” Here are five tips for clear communication:

Use Action Words – Use the simple tense instead of the continuous tense of verbs when possible. Instead of, “I have been working at Acme Motors for 10 years.” Say, “I have worked at Acme Motors for 10 years.” Take time to choose your words. You may feel awkward with the staccato nature of simple tense verbs at first, but they set a nice pace and make your message clearer. Put yourself in your listener’s shoes: “If this was the first time I heard this message, would it engage me?”

Shut Up – When in conversation, listen more than talk. Figure out what really matters and filter your communication through that lens. Repeat in your head what you heard the speaker say and reword it back to her. My go to intro for this is: “Just to clarify what I heard you say…” Be aware of your listener’s non-verbals and make good use of your own like eye contact, nodding, smiling, and my favorite, the puppy head tilt. When you are on the phone, smile. Even though the caller can’t see you smile, they can hear it.

Broaden Your Vocabulary – Read, read, read. I read books suggested by Reese Witherspoon, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Susan Barber (http://susangbarber.wordpress.com) among others. A mix of fiction and non-fiction is vital. Don’t be afraid to read over your head. I keep a dictionary on my phone to quickly and surreptitiously look up words for which I can’t glean the meaning from the sentence (like the word surreptitiously).

You Got Some ‘Splaining to Do – You know what you’re talking about, but no one else does. Put your message in terms a 5th grader would understand. This is not belittling 5th graders. They are pretty smart, but they are not known for their patience. Give illustrations in a simple and concise context. Edit ruthlessly. Write a rough draft. Leave it alone for a while. Overnight even. When you go back to it, cut repetitive phrases. Things that sounded brilliant in your head at the time often look over explained in the harsh light of day.

Don’t Give Up – Does all this sound like work? It is. Rarely is communication complete. Keep refining your message. It’s like talking about the Birds and the Bees with your kids. You really don’t just sit them down one day and tell them about sex. It’s a years long conversation. One day your two-year-old daughter asks you where babies come from and you tell her, “Tennessee,” because that’s what her little brain can handle. When she is older, she asks again and you tell her, “When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…” because she can handle more. As the years go by, the questions get more uncomfortable, but you keep communicating because the message is important. When your second child asks similar questions, you’re ready because you’ve communicated this message before and had a chance to edit and refine it. The same theory holds true for much of your communication. Your message is important. Work on it.

Have any tips for clearer communication? Share them here:

How to do Stuff You Don’t Want to Do (And Why You Should)

We all have work tasks we don’t want to do and if they are little things, you just do them. But what if they are big things? For example: When one of my coworkers went on maternity leave, I temporarily took over some of her duties. I had to talk to the contractors she usually dealt with. I had to learn how to use their portal because she’s the one who helped them when they ran into trouble. I didn’t want to do either one of those things, but now they are bullet points on my resume. In every crisis there is opportunity. Here are three reasons to do things you don’t want to do at work:

You Learn
This assignment could be a test. Your manager may be trying to determine if you’re ready for more responsibility. When you’re given a project you have the opportunity to learn process improvement, organizational structure, and time management. Break the project down into tasks and timeline. Regularly report your progress to your manager. Reward yourself for the timely completion of each task. For me, a large part of the problem is the anticipation of having to do the unpleasant task. Putting it off doesn’t make it go away, it just brings the deadline closer. At the end of the project, you can update your resume declaring yourself an SME (subject matter expert).

You Find Out What You Are Made of
Figure out why you don’t want to do it. Do you think this project is beneath you? Is it thankless? Is it boring? Does it take a lot of time? Do you lack the necessary resources? Pride comes before a fall, so be careful. Not wanting to do a task is an emotional response not a physical one. Your feelings are telling you that you don’t want to do it, not your brain. Get out your journal and let your feelings loose for a bit. Then reflect: What can you put in your notes for your next performance review because of this task? Will it make you grow in soft skills? Will it add top line revenue? Then put the journal away and get that project done!

You Define Your Boundaries
Once you figure out why you don’t want to do the project, it may be as simple as you are being lazy and just need to get over it. But, it may be as complicated as needing to stand up for yourself. Here’s a situation where I had to put my foot down: Our office was asked to help out another division that was behind in their quality control inspections. My assignment was to make the appointments for our inspector. Our office has an open floor plan so I had no privacy when making these phone calls. A coworker eavesdropped on my conversations and felt compelled to either offer tips or laugh at my struggle to convince customers to admit our inspector into their homes. I finally had to pull a Pink. (“I’m not here for your entertainment.”) I stated that the task was distasteful enough on its own and please stop making it more difficult. He went to lunch. Now I have a “Describe a time when you had a conflict with a coworker.” story for my next interview.

When you have to do something you don’t want to do, it helps to find some way to make it benefit you. Document it for your next performance review, put it on your resume, or subtly let your boss know she owes you one. Find your win and make the situation work for you.

Manage Your Money or It Will Manage You

On the drive home from a visit to our “Wealth Manager,” (Apologies for the dramatic quotation marks. I find the job title funny. Probably because we are not considered wealthy by most American standards.) I asked my husband how people like us who have jobs in retail, business, and sales could afford houses, new cars, and cruises. My husband’s theory was they are willing to live with a lot of debt and that’s pretty normal for most Americans. There’s the difference between me and most Americans. I’m almost debt phobic. Can you blame me? Look at some of the statistics:

Do you have a credit card? In 2017, the average American household owed $7,136 on credit cards. (https://www.fool.com/credit-cards/2017/12/11/heres-the-average-american-households-credit-car-2.aspx)

Do you own your house? In Ohio, the state in which I live, the average mortgage debt in 2017, was $129,106, which is actually one of the top ten states with the lowest average. (https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/how-much-americans-owe-on-their-mortgages-in-every-state/)

Do you have a car loan? The average monthly new car payment in 2017, was $479 with a commitment to pay for 68 months. (https://www.thebalance.com/average-monthly-car-payment-4137650)

Do you have student loans? As of November 2017, a student graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in the state of Ohio has $19,300 in student loan debt. (http://www.businessinsider.com/student-loan-debt-average-by-state-map-2017-11)

I look at these statistics and have to ask: Why all this debt? Does it make us happy or do we feel in competition with our friends? If it’s the latter, STOP. RIGHT. NOW. You can go for a while carrying debt, but eventually it will bite you in the patootie and in the meantime, the stress will eat you alive. (https://moneyish.com/ish/americans-are-crappy-with-money-heres-exactly-how-thats-wrecking-their-health/)

As for me, living as cheaply as possible is a game. I use coupons. With digital coupons, it’s easy. For holidays, I ask for gift cards. My husband and I have neither a mortgage nor car loans. We have a college student, so helping her pay for that is a priority. We also prioritize saving for retirement. I had a side gig working retail in order to help fund both and yes, it was worth my T.E.A.M. (Please see my post: Is It Worth Your T.E.A.M.? for the punchline to this inside joke). We also do some charitable giving, but that’s private, so I’m pulling a Gump (“That’s all I have to say about that”).

So, wondering what you can do to lessen your debt and increase your peace of mind? I defer to the Jedi Master Dave Ramsey. He has great strategies. We don’t follow all of them, but the ones we can, we do. Before you surf over to his website: www.daveramsey.com, (The link is for your convenience. Dave Ramsey doesn’t know I exist, so he does not compensate me for the link. If there is another money master you prefer, go to his/her website and start digging.) here are some suggestions to get you started:

Break a bad habit – smoking, for example costs you money not only for the cigarettes now, but also for the inevitable medical bills later.
Break a good habit – the coffee and breakfast sandwich you buy on your way to work can be made at home for pennies.
Save cash. Literally. Save one of the return envelopes that accompany the bills you receive in the mail. Every Friday stick $30 in it. By the end of the year, you will have $1560.
Embrace simplicity – it’s kinda trendy now. Get a library card. You can check out movies and music, as well as books, for free. And not just hard copies; digital too. Choose to explore a city nearby for vacation instead of going somewhere far away. Explore your hometown’s metro park system for outdoor entertainment. Dust off the board games and invite friends over to play. Have everyone bring a snack to share.

Adopting even just one or two of these practices will make an exponential difference in your life. You cannot put a price tag on the peace of mind freedom from debt gives you.

Don’t Dread It. Go and Get It!

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Shhhhhh. Do you hear that? It’s the collective groan of employees working on self assessments for annual performance reviews. If wracking your brain for strengths, weaknesses, and accomplishments has you searching for the migraine tablets, consider this: You can turn your annual performance review into an opportunity to showcase your mad skills. Last year, I decided to do just that and received a promotion for my trouble 🙂 Here is a formula that worked for me:

Accentuate the Positive
As Stuart Smalley (Saturday Night Live) says, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” A performance review is the time to remind your manager why he/she likes you. Take this opportunity to blow your own horn particularly if you don’t like to. What were your biggest accomplishments during the past year? Make a list. When you see your contributions in writing, your confidence grows. After listing all you can think of, set the task aside for an hour or so. When you come back to it add any others that came to mind while you were working on something else. (Funny how that happens. You take your mind off a task and when you return to it fresh, you have another idea. It usually comes to me during a time I can’t go write it down, like in the shower.) Pare the list down to your top three for your final draft. BTW, if you don’t have a running list of accomplishments since your last performance review, start one for next year. Right. Now. If you don’t remember the major thing you accomplished six months ago, your manager won’t either.

Eliminate the Negative
A performance review allows you a peek inside your supervisor’s head. Most bosses won’t come right out and tell you what they think of your work – especially if your work doesn’t please them – but an annual review forces communication. This usually involves identifying your weaknesses. Do NOT say you don’t have any. We all do and you’ll be better off identifying them yourself instead of forcing your manager to batter your ego by listing perceived defects. It’s also very tempting to cheat on this one. IE: “My biggest weakness is that I work too hard.” (Can you hear my eyes rolling?) Instead, how about presenting your weakness followed by how you are addressing it? IE: “I’m having trouble formatting the charts in the Activity Reports so I’ve signed up for an online Excel course.” This acknowledges you see an area in which you need to improve and you already have a plan to do so. Stick to just one or two things you’re going to improve by next year’s performance review. No need to expose ALL your flaws.

Latch on to the Affirmative
You’ll probably also be asked to comment on your strengths. Remember the accomplishment list you made? Revisit the things you did not include in your top three. Can you use some of those for your strengths? For example, if “I caught a typo on an invoice saving the department $1000 four months ago,” did not make your top three accomplishments, you could repurpose that accomplishment into a strength: I have excellent proofreading skills (IE: In April I saved my department $1000 when I found a typo while proofreading an invoice). Try to come up with examples of when you saved the company money, made the operation more efficient, and/or made your team stronger.

Don’t Mess with Mr. In-Between
Even if your company says your performance review is not tied to a raise, act like it is. It’s motivation. Establish a baseline against which you want your manager to judge your work over the next year. Use this meeting to pick your manager’s brain. Bob King, a former Senior Vice President of CLEAResult Consulting suggests, “Embrace this process as an opportunity to make sure that your perspective is aligned with your supervisor, and should it turn out not to be, engage your supervisor in a positive fashion to explore where perspectives diverged.” If you don’t have a habit of checking in with your boss every couple of months to ask him/her how you’re doing, put it on your calendar. A performance review should not be the first conversation the two of you have regarding the quality of your work and it’s up to you to initiate that feedback. In your review, set goals that receive your manager’s blessing. Over the next year, keep notes on what you’re doing to reach those goals (online courses, certifications, earned CEU’s) and check in periodically before your next performance review to inform your boss of the progress you’re making. Now is a good time to suggest ways you want to grow. Ways for which perhaps your company will reimburse you (associations you want to join, classes you want to take, conferences/seminars you want to go to). If you approach this review as a “get to” instead of a “got to,” you could come out of it in a much better position than you entered it.

Shout out to Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer for their song “Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive.” Now I’m stuck with an earworm.

Is It Worth Your T.E.A.M.?

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I think after you graduate high school, life speeds up. Adulting necessitates lots of decision making. Some decisions can be life-changing. (“Should I REALLY have sex without a condom?”) Other decisions, not so much. (“Should I REALLY eat that third scoop of peanut butter cup ice cream?”) I’m often asked: “How do you know you’re making a wise choice?” My answer: “If it’s worth my T.E.A.M., then I do it. If it’s not worth my T.E.A.M., then I don’t.” For me, T.E.A.M. stands for Time, Energy, Attention, and Money. These elements are currency. They are valuable. They cost as much as you’re willing to pay, so they’re very individualized. The next time you make an important decision, first ask yourself: Is it worth my T.E.A.M.?

Time – There are 168 hours in a week. If you’re not intentional in spending them, they just fly away. Do you ever get to Friday afternoon and wonder where all your week went? Keep a log for a week. Write down everything you do and how long it takes. For a week. Don’t have time to stop and write everything down? Dictate it into your phone. When you get to next Friday afternoon, see what your big time wasters are. Because if you’re thinking of adding something to your schedule, how else are you going to know if it will even fit?

Energy – You only have so much. You can do things to increase it, like exercise, but it runs out and must be recharged. Sometimes it’s a curse to have a ton of energy because you deceive yourself into thinking you can push your body past its limits. If your plate is full and you add something, something that is already on the plate will get pushed off. Better for your brain to choose what gets pushed off the plate than your body deciding for you. If you’re thinking about taking on something that will spend a lot of energy, will the commitment fire you up or drain your battery?

Attention – Given the amount of screens screaming for your attention it’s easy to waste a ton of time not accomplishing anything. There’s a reason it’s called “paying” attention. It costs you something. Make sure whatever (or whomever) is asking for your attention is valuable. Some questions to ask yourself before taking on a project that will demand a great deal of your attention are: Does it have lasting benefits? Can you learn from it? Is it an investment in a relationship? Are you building someone up?

Money – You’re on a budget (or should be!). You only have so much cash at your disposal. You have bills to pay, things for which to save, and charities to support. How do you decide if something is worth spending your hard earned wages on? Education is worth spending money on. Retirement is worth spending money on. Premium cable? Not in my opinion. Now, having said that: Do you eat out a lot? Travel? Go to movies? Game? If not, and cable is all you do, then maybe it IS a good investment. For you. Me? I’d rather read a book from the public library.

The bottom line is: what you spend your T.E.A.M on is an intensely personal decision. Only you can decide if the item or service or person is worth whatever you have to sacrifice to obtain it. Do you have a decision making system?

It Ain’t Rocket Surgery

Back in 2011, my husband, daughter, and I moved from Georgia back to our native Ohio because my husband received a job offer. When the time came for my husband to start his new job, our house in Georgia was still on the market. We could not afford two mortgages, so my grandmother graciously allowed us to bunk with her for a bit. One night a line of thunder storms came through. My husband’s car was parked in front of Grammy’s house under three dying trees. Grammy made us all go to the basement to wait out the storm. It’s a finished basement. It’s very nice. In fact, it’s where my husband and I stayed. Well, one of those three trees lost a huge limb which fell on my husband’s car. It smashed the windshield, then decided to roll over the top of the car and bust the rear window too. It was like the tree broke both windows on purpose! After a a day of calling our insurance company and Grammy’s insurance company and cleaning up the mess, we finally settled on the car-glass-replacement-company-that-comes-to-you to fix his car. My husband is very hands on so when the tech arrived, he went to greet him and kinda hover while he did his job. My husband was impressed with this tech’s skill, speed, and efficiency and he told him so. “It must’ve taken you a long time to learn how to do this,” said my husband. “It ain’t rocket surgery,” replied the tech. Now whether he meant “It ain’t rocket science,” or “It ain’t brain surgery,” or whether he meant exactly what he said, we’ll never know because to keep from cracking up my husband stopped asking questions. After the tech left, he couldn’t wait to tell my daughter and me the story. It was a bright spot in a stressful time in our lives, and to this day when one of us is making a mountain out of a molehill we say to that person, “It ain’t rocket surgery.” I believe God allows situations in our lives so we will share them with others and form community. I’m here not just to tell you my stories, but also to read about yours. So please leave a comment or shoot me an email describing a time in your life when you made a situation harder than it had to be. We’re on life’s journey together and most of the time, it ain’t rocket surgery.