Mardi Humphreys

Control is an Illusion

For many of us, it’s a long holiday weekend to celebrate Independence Day. But thanks to COVID-19, I don’t feel very independent. I walk out the door then stop to make sure I have my mask. Before setting an appointment for a one-on-one, I have to call coffee shops and ask if they allow indoor seating. To go to the office, or not to go to the office; that is the question. Maybe I should take some time between Hamilton viewings to reflect, reality check, remaster, and renew.

Reflect

Gratitude is my default setting for pulling out of rumination. I keep a gratitude journal and write in it as part of my morning routine. I record one thing I’m grateful for from the previous day. When I start down the rabbit hole of feeling sorry for myself, I pull out the gratitude journal to snap out of it. I habitually focus on my goal and ignore the journey I’m on to reach it. Achieving the goal is fabulous, but wisdom comes from what I do daily to accomplish it.

Reality Check

Have you seen a bunch of memes on your social media feeds that say the most useless purchase of 2019 was a 2020 planner? It’s funny because it’s true. The goals we set at the beginning of this year are mostly impractical now. Yet, we beat ourselves up for not being on track to reach them. For example, my company planned to grow our new division this year. We’re having difficulty getting traction and I blamed myself. So, I turned to my best networking friends for a reality check. I felt better when they validated business is slow for everyone. This prompted me to refocus my outreach. What are my clients’ biggest needs right now? Can I provide a resource for them even if it’s not my company? If I can help my community get through the pandemic, then they will still be around to talk business post COVID-19.

Remaster

Much like a rock band re-recording an old hit song to improve its quality, let’s revise our yearly goals. We can break them down into smaller goals to help us stay motivated. We can concentrate on short term goals. (E.g., ask ourselves, “What is one thing I can I do today?”) We can break our revised goals down into actionable steps and calendar them so we’re triggered to action. When contemplating a new goal, we should ask ourselves,“Is this reasonable during COVID-19?” We can track our efforts (you know I’ll use any excuse to start a spreadsheet) and review them after Q3. We can identify someone willing to be an accountability partner and check in with each other weekly for progress reports.

Renew

Surviving COVID-19 is a marathon. Small daily acts of self-care (take a walk, read an article, listen to a podcast) can be rewards for taking another step toward our goals. Setbacks feel more painful right now, but let’s hold on, keep trying, and support one another.

How are you reflecting on the first half of 2020 and preparing for the second? Please share your ideas in the comments section.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Like Donna Summer, we work hard for the money and we need to manage it. Otherwise, it will manage us. We want to get to a point in our financial lives where we can pay our credit card balances off every month, pay cash to replace a dead refrigerator, and take that spontaneous long weekend trip without feeling guilty about how much we spend on it. A budget is a useful tool for that. Here are some options. After choosing the right plan for us, we need to take into account expenses that may be hiding in plain sight.

Let’s begin by recalling the conspicuous items a budget should include (along with a few examples):

Food, clothing, and shelter for the entire family
Childcare
Utilities (electricity, gas, water, sewage, trash removal, recycling removal, cell phone (including data), internet, cable tv)
Transportation (gas, oil changes, car loan, repairs, insurance, registration, car wash, parking, tolls, roadside assistance, public transportation, ride-hailing)
Medical Copays for the entire family (office visits, dentist visits, prescriptions, dermatologist visits, eye exams, lab work, therapists, urgent care)
Minimum monthly debt payments (student loans, credit cards)
Savings both short term and long term (emergency fund, vacation, children’s college, retirement)

Whew! Okay. Breathe.

Now, here are some items that may not occur to us when we are budgeting, but should (along with a few examples):

Haircuts for the entire family
Pets (grooming, veterinarian visits, medication, accessories (leashes, waste bags, cat litter, sweaters), food, boarding, toys)
Subscriptions (Netflix, Box subscriptions, Spotify, Playstation Plus, Amazon Prime)
Self-care
Property taxes
HOA fees
Makeup
School (supplies, pictures, private school uniforms, sports (including uniforms, participation fees, and equipment), band (including uniforms, participation fees, and instruments), teacher gifts, fundraisers, field trips, enrollment fees)
Lawn care (mowing, weed killing, landscaping, pest control)
Coffee and/or Fast Food and/or happy hour
Out-of-town guests (if they are staying with you, you are using more water, electricity, food, transportation, entertainment)
Physical fitness (home equipment (weights, treadmill, stationary bike) memberships to gym, yoga studio, classes)
Bank account fees (overdrafts, transfers, low account balances) if this is a significant expense for you, you might consider taking your banking to a credit union
Gifts (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day)
Dues (union, fraternity/sorority, professional organizations, licenses, certifications, continuing education credits)
Charitable contributions
Software/Apps

How much we spend on these items is very personal. We also have to take our spouse’s needs, wants, and opinions into consideration. No one wants to feel financially deprived. On the other hand, no one wants to lie awake at night worrying about how we’re going to pay the bills, either. This shutting down of the economy has gone on so long that we are now in the second wave of layoffs. Some companies who managed to avoid furloughing workers, now have to ask their employees to take pay cuts or be laid off or both. When so many have lost their jobs, and those who didn’t feel overworked from home, (or tense on the front lines) forgotten budget expenses are unpleasant surprises.

Are there items that should be on this list that I missed? Please share them in the comments section.

It’s Alright to be Wrong

Father’s Day has me thinking about how patient my dad was.

There was the time I:

woke the whole house by climbing up in the attic and walking on the creaky floor over my parents’ bedroom early one morning
overcorrected a turn and drove into a yard at the top of a hill while learning to drive
flushed an item down the toilet and clogged the septic tank

These mistakes were explained to me (usually) calmly and corrections were requested (usually) just as calmly. He made me feel like I made a mistake, not like I was a mistake. There’s a big difference and it’s easy to miscommunicate. He made sure I knew my imperfections didn’t stop him from loving me. How often do we beat ourselves up because we feel like we failed? Three instances occur to me.

Failed Goals

When setbacks happen at work, it helps to remember our past successes. (If you don’t keep a success list for performance reviews, start. Now.) After reassuring ourselves, let’s reframe. This isn’t a failure, it’s an experiment. Was it a S.M.A.R.T. goal? Can we extend the deadline? Do we need additional resources to reach it? What if we tweak the process? We can analyze the data, then make a decision.

Failed Expectations

I registered to attend a free webinar given by a colleague. It was his second one. For the first one, he requested my help cohosting and I assumed (you know what assuming does) he’d want help again. Then I discovered a meeting scheduled for the same time that I’d rather attend because I’d have an opportunity to invite those participants to a webinar I was presenting the following week. I was disappointed I couldn’t attend the meeting. Then, I thought. “Why can’t I?”

The angel on one shoulder argued with the devil on my other shoulder:

Angel: Because you made a commitment.

Devil: They’ll be another webinar next quarter. Cancel the registration.

Angel: Your colleague will want your help again.

Devil: He hasn’t asked for it.

Angel: But you always put others’ interests ahead of your own.

THAT did it. I decided to attend the meeting instead of the webinar and if people think less of me for choosing what’s best for me, so be it.

Failed First Try

The team shot down my first idea for the website refresh in the project meeting this week. Does that mean I shouldn’t suggest another one next week? Is everyone judging me? Should I give up trying to be creative because I’m obviously embarrassing myself? Truth: my team probably forgot about my idea as soon as they left the Zoom room. I can’t remember what Joe’s big-SEO-lead-magnet-idea-that-tanked at last week’s meeting was. No one is holding our imperfections against us; except us. Let’s throw out our fixed mindsets and adopt growth mindsets. What exactly was it about my idea the team didn’t like? Was there a kernel of the idea they did like? Can I cultivate it and bring a revised idea to next week’s meeting? Struggling reminds us we’re stretching. Let’s not allow our mistakes to define us.

What flavor of imperfection is bugging you this week? Please share in the comments section.

Performance vs Potential

In America, 49.6% of the workforce is female, but less than 5% of Fortune 500 companies’ CEOs are female. I found several variables contributing to this confusing proportion. Since this is an election year and we’ve seen glaring examples of performance vs. potential, let’s focus on that variable for this discussion. A Presidential campaign is a job interview. During the democratic campaigns, the female candidates highlighted their resumes (what they did) while the male candidates promoted their plans (what they intend to do); evidence that women are judged on past performance and men are judged on potential. How does this societal inclination to evaluate a gender show up in the workforce?

This study on hiring reveals when the past performances of female and male candidates were equal, the female candidates were held to a higher standard. Unconscious bias lessened the women’s leadership potential in the hiring team’s opinion. These negative labels pervade the workforce. They’re exhausting to fight and often invisible. Let’s say Jane and Joe have the same position, the same resume, and are up for the same promotion. If Joe receives it, Jane probably won’t ask her boss if he chose Joe because he thinks Joe has more potential than she does. Instead, Jane will probably feel like she doesn’t belong at her company and look for a more welcoming environment. We have to realize unconscious bias is someone else’s opinion of us; not the truth, and have the endurance to battle it day after day. But, who has the energy to constantly validate her ideas to upper management while simultaneously doing the job?

Traditionally, when a project succeeds, a female leader shares credit with her team and a male leader assumes the credit for himself. Diluting her contribution, the female leader is easily overlooked for bigger projects. A man claiming credit gets leadership roles because no one asked how the project got done. They only saw who claimed credit for getting it done. The performance review process is a minefield of subjectivity and unconscious bias. One answer is to make the evaluation more about whether last year’s performance goals were met (this is typically how a male is evaluated), not how hard the employee had to work to meet them (this is typically how a female is evaluated). This challenges HR to rework the process using a filter of diversity and inclusion, which may require both training and a review committee. When women have to keep proving competency over and over, this slows down our advancement. How can we excel at past performance if we’re denied opportunities to perform?

Speaking of HR, in this poll of women working in the IT industry, 63% of them said the hiring process in the market is biased against female IT applicants. When women are hired, we start dropping out of the advancement track around middle management for obvious reasons: no women in next-level positions in whose footsteps we can follow, no access to casual networks (the old boys’ club), and lack of mentors (male or female) in upper management. But there’s also a not-so-obvious reason: a culture of embedded mindsets and entrenched beliefs. (E.g., men make better leaders because they’re more analytical and less emotional than women.) How much talent is wasted because of these barriers?

As usual, I have more questions than answers. If you have answers, please share your experience in the comments section.

How Did We Get Here?

For the last two (plus) months, COVID-19 has thrust circumstances on us: our jobs are harder (or gone), household chores multiplied, the kids’ online school had to be supervised, loss of autonomy, using technology to stay in touch with those we aren’t supposed to physically touch, etc. I’m sure your list is different and longer. I’ve awakened every day wondering, “What fresh hell can this be?” George Floyd’s death was a horrifying answer. Now that I’m awake, it’s time to stop and think about what I can do to make a positive difference; especially in the workforce. We were inundated by information last week. This is simplistic (Look, Listen, Learn), but I’ve got to begin my education in systemic racism somewhere.

Look

When it comes to work, I’m task oriented. I want to get through the Zoom, email, or report and get back to the work ASAP. I don’t often stop to acknowledge what’s going on outside the office even when it’s a protest. I don’t talk about how what I experience outside of work affects my ability to work. But systemic racism exponentially affects society’s ability to get anything done. How can our team do our best work if a coworker’s opinion gets discounted because of the color of her skin? Here is a good article on ways we can support our Black coworkers. Here’s a good article on what not to say.

Listen

It’s no longer enough to be non-racist. It’s time to be anti-racist; especially if we are in leadership positions. Here is a good article with practical suggestions. We must initiate the difficult conversations. We have to listen, particularly when it’s painful. Treating others the way we want to be treated isn’t enough, we must seek to understand. We have to make sure our teams know they are seen, heard, and we have their backs. We need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The truth will hurt, but we could have a change of heart if we would only change our minds. We have to use our vote to demand accountability from our elected officials.

Learn

I don’t know what I don’t know, so research is my first instinct. Because racism can come in the form of being dismissed, (“What did he do to draw the attention of the police?”) I thought racism was like sexual harassment. I felt like, on a shallow level, I could empathize. But it’s not like sexual harassment, is it? For example, I’m not afraid of a police officer stopping me on my way to the office because I’m female. How did we get so messed up? Trevor Noah gives a good summation.

I apologize for my ignorance. I’ve got a lot to learn and maybe even more to unlearn. I hope you’ll be patient with me. When I’m quietly standing beside you, it’s not because I won’t defend you; it’s because I want to amplify your voice.

If you have trusted resources for learning about systemic racism, please share them in the comments section.

Ruling Your Budget

One of the bright spots in this Coronapocalypse is our daughter FaceTiming my husband and me more than usual. One conversation turned to people we knew who’d lost their jobs because of the pandemic and this lead to a discussion of money. She had big questions: Was our savings still intact? Should she keep investing in her 401(k)? If so, how much? How much money does a car cost? Budgeting is very personal. It can also be confusing, tedious, and overwhelming. My husband and I use an 80/10/10 rule (live on 80% of our income, save 10%, give 10%), but there are a ton of theories out there.

Before deciding on which plan was right for us, we needed to know what our income is and what our expenses are. I’ve never met a spreadsheet I didn’t like, so I populated one with all of our expenses. Since we mostly pay with a credit or debit card, they were easy to find; especially the monthly bills. I had to search the record for an entire year because there are expenses we pay annually (e.g., renter’s insurance), and those we pay twice a year (e.g., car insurance). The expenses we paid in cash (e.g., parking), I had to estimate. Then I categorized our expenses according to need (e.g., the utilities are a necessary expense, the Disney+ subscription is not). Having access to this big picture is important because every budgeting theory I’ve researched has a savings component. We usually have to divert money from non-essential expenses in order to save it. Budgeting rules are expressed in percentages instead of dollars so we can scale them as our incomes fluctuate. I’m defining income as the amount on our paychecks, not the amount on our W-2s. After some research, here are the top three budgeting rules I found.

The 70/30 Rule

Invented by Jim Rohn, this plan suggests dividing personal net income into four buckets: 70% to pay living expenses; and 10% each going toward active investing (e.g., a savings account), passive investing (e.g., a 401(k)), and giving (charitable contributions). Pros: It’s easy to remember. Cons: It’s hard to do. Here is a good explanation.

The 70/20/10 Rule

This strategy proposes spending 70% of income on expenses, and setting aside 20% for savings (or debt), and 10% for giving. We should be realistic about paying off debt. I wouldn’t deprive myself of vacations for 30 years to pay off my mortgage, but I did take a part-time job (in addition to my full-time job) to pay off my car. Pros: This works if we have an emergency fund and little debt. Cons: 20% is a lot of income to save. Here is a good explanation.

The 50/20/30 Rule

This approach allocates 50% of income to paying expenses, 20% to debt, savings, or investments; and 30% to things we want (e.g., these can be anything from fast food every Friday to a Nintendo Switch). Pros: It’s a good plan for people new to budgeting. Cons: It’s hard to do when budgeting for a family. Here is a good explanation.

Do you follow a budgeting rule I didn’t highlight? Please share in the comments section.

Teamwork Makes the Dream Playlist Work

After so many times asking each other, “Have you heard this song?” my best friend, Kelly, suggested we start a playlist in Spotify to keep track of them. Because we’re both rule followers and goal oriented, we had a couple of guidelines. The originals were: Listen without distraction (no driving, working, social media, etc. on first listen), preferably through headphones, and post at the same time every week. We inadvertently stumbled onto something deeper than trading songs. In this new world of COVID-19, people are turning to music and using it almost as a healing balm to our psyches.

Our original intent was to have fun in sampling each other’s taste in music, but after being at it for over a year, it’s evolved into a means of communication. We use it for commemoration and encouragement. We acquire a clearer understanding of each other’s worldview because our song choices reveal our personalities. The anticipation of new music (I’ve heard artists I never would’ve known otherwise), and trying to guess what the other is going to add, makes it a game. An unexpected side effect of building our playlist is how it’s affected my job.

Teamwork

Team members have to know what the goal is. I asked Kelly what she thought the goal of building our playlist was. She said, “…to share ideas, thoughts, and feelings that we may have had during the week through music. Doing this often generates conversations we may not have had otherwise, and can get us thinking about various things in ways we might not have before.” A team works toward the goal together, but we come at it from different perspectives. Building our playlist helps me be open to my team’s opinions on how to reach our goals.

Perseverance

I keep my ears open throughout the week and seek unusual sources for songs to surprise her. At work, this translates into pushing me to seek new and unusual ways to help my company grow.

Communication

We often ask each other why we chose that song this week, usually via text. We have to corral our thoughts and boil them down to those most important and present them briefly. I find myself editing my work emails down to short active sentences; a hallmark of good communication.

Deadlines

Sundays come with excruciating regularity. So do work deadlines. Our playlist helps me remember not to wait until the last minute to research my share of the project.

Relax

Our playlist reminds me to take a break from working. It’s something fun to look forward to instead of thinking about COVID-19 all the time.

One of the reasons humans love music so much is because it helps us express our feelings. Why try to put them into words when a musician has already done it so eloquently? Sometimes there aren’t adequate words to express our feelings. We need a crunchy guitar (or maybe a plaintive violin) solo to do it for us. Let’s think about adding music to our self-care routines. We can intentionally build a playlist for lifting our spirits. If we need some ideas, we can ask a friend to build one with us.

Do you have a song that makes you happy every time you hear it? Please share title and artist in the comments section.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I’m equipped to work from home, so when COVID-19 turned the world upside down, I thought it would be easy. But now that we’ve been quarantined longer than Noah was in the ark, the loss of routine is getting to me. I had comfortable pre-pandemic habits: packing a lunch, listening to a podcast on the morning commute, and driving thru Starbucks once a week. Now those customs don’t work and I’m off-kilter without them.

I’ve read now is a good time to develop new habits that can remain after a vaccine for COVID-19 is developed, but I don’t think they’re referring to wearing slippers instead of heels to work. Why should we develop whole new routines when we’re going back to the old ones any day now? Because any day now keeps getting pushed back. We’ve fallen into new habits whether or not we want to admit it, but do we have to completely overhaul those routines to feel balanced again?

The research I’ve done suggests small adjustments may be enough to restore harmony. We can take breaks (play with the kids), set boundaries (dedicate a workspace, start and end the workday at the same times everyday), and follow a dress code (real clothes, not pajamas). So I guess it’s time to actually eat a snack, take the dog outside, and focus my eyes on something beyond the computer screen, instead of complaining about nine-hour-without-a-break work days. I suppose I should put the card table I’ve been working from back in the garage and get a legitimate desk. I’m willing to change out of pajamas for work, but I’m not giving up the slippers.

We’re drifting into the realm of self-care which is taking on a more serious face during this pandemic. The stress of COVID-19 information overload, loss of freedom, job loss (or a never-ending workday), and the whole family trapped in residence together, forces us to add self-care our already full to-do lists. It’s become a mental health issue, so let’s prioritize it. This pandemic is like an airplane cabin losing oxygen. We have to put on our own masks before we can help anyone else with theirs. We need to model self-care, especially in front of our children, because they’re watching what we do. By managing our own peace of mind, we’re teaching them how to manage theirs.

There are plenty of choices to maintain mental health. This can be overwhelming. So maybe we employ the Butterfly Effect and choose one thing we can do to make ourselves feel better. We don’t have to do the same activity every day. Today, we could take the kids for a walk in the neighborhood and practice physical distancing. Tomorrow, we could make our weekly staff meeting a virtual coffee. The day after that, we could go to the grocery using the appropriate precautions then drop off the supplies at our local food bank.

What is one thing you can do today to pivot to a positive change? Please share in the comments.

Waiting on the World to Change

Mother’s Day has me reflecting on how different the workforce was when our daughter entered it in 2019 than when I became her mother in 1997. By then I was 10 years into my career and enjoyed it, but it was hard to be a Mom in the Workforce (MitW). I hoped it would be different by the time our daughter got her first full-time job; unfortunately, not so much. In 2019 only 66.4% of moms with children under six years old had jobs outside the home. Here are three things I think she should know about being a MitW.

You Will be Judged

MitW are expected to shine at both work and home. Society holds mothers to different standards than fathers. E.g., if a father does not take time off work to attend his child’s school function, no one thinks twice, but if a mother doesn’t show up, she gets labeled as a bad parent. Isn’t this belittling the father’s role (that’s a whole ‘nuther post) and overestimating the mother’s? Best practice is to ignore other people’s opinions of our parenting. Choosing between attending an important client meeting and our child’s science fair is a decision only we can make.

Work Life Balance is a Myth

COVID-19 has revealed a dirty little secret; MitW are still expected to handle the job, the kids, and the household. It’s time for conversation (divide up the chores), boundaries (stick to our own chores and resist the urge to redo things our way), and lower standards (dirty dishes in the sink overnight is acceptable). With everyone home we’ve fallen prey to Parkinson’s Law. There’s always something to do for work and there’s always something to do at home. That doesn’t mean we have to spend the same amount of time writing emails as baking banana bread (or whatever your form of self-care is). When we feel temporarily satisfied with the state of our inbox (no matter the time of day), if we feel like baking banana bread, it’s okay. Maybe you’d rather bake two loaves of banana bread, then tackle email. Best practice is to strive for work life harmony instead of balance.

It’s Not One and Done

Child rearing is an 18 year (at least) conversation between us, our co-parents, and children. Minds and circumstances change. Best practice is to decide what our non-negotiable boundaries are and occasionally revisit them with the affected parties before we say or do something we’ll regret. If quitting our jobs to raise our children is going to make us bitter, it would be better to keep working (if possible) even if it means enduring the stink eye from onlookers.

Does a woman have to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, employee, cook, custodian, accountant, churchgoer, pet owner, and volunteer simultaneously to be considered “good?” Who has time to do all that? What happens if I don’t? Who made these rules? Do women aspire to be all that?

Please share the challenges you face (or faced) as a working parent in the comments section.

Stimulus Reality Check

Photo by Vladislav Reshetnyak from Pexels

Many of us received money from the US government through the CARES Act. What should we do with it? For those who lost their jobs, it’s obvious. But for those still working, not so much. Just because we have a job now, doesn’t mean we’ll have it tomorrow. The longer physical distancing is imposed, the more of us could lose our jobs (the forecast for April was 20%). Then there are those whose jobs are considered essential and the paychecks come as usual. With all this uncertainty, what is the wisest thing to do the money?

The Obvious

If we’ve lost our jobs or been furloughed thanks to COVID-19, the stimulus money can go for what the government intended it to buy. Necessities like paying bills (mortgage (or rent), utilities, medical, etc.), buying food, diapers, cleaning supplies, face masks, gloves, cat litter, or dog toys (Our fur babies are in quarantine too, ya know!) is the reason the U.S. Senate released these funds. Let’s use them to buy time to find an alternate (hopefully temporary) income.

The Not-so Obvious

If our jobs are in jeopardy thanks to COVID-19, the stimulus money can go for things that will give us peace of mind. If we owe federal, state, and/or local taxes, we can send the money back by July 15 (that’s when our 2019 taxes are now due). If we have debt like student loans, car loans, or credit card debt, the stimulus money can make a dent in these bills. If we aren’t carrying debt, stimulus money would make a good emergency fund or seed money for an I-lost-my-job fund (3-6 months of expenses).

The Not-at-all Obvious

If our jobs are essential and our income hasn’t decreased thanks to COVID-19, the stimulus money can go for buying our futures. We can add it to (or start up) an IRA. If we’re comfortable with a bit of gambling, this is a good time to invest in the stock market. It would be wise to engage a financial advisor (ask friends for recommendations) or at least read this. Or, we can choose to be generous with the extra money. Here is a resource to search for reputable charities to support. Also, we can use the money to support local small businesses. The big chains like Domino’s, Dunkin’, and Don Pedro’s will survive, but our favorite Mom and Pop owned pizzerias, doughnut shops, and Mexican restaurants may not. We can order take out or buy gift cards. Know a local home improvement company still open because they are an essential business? Now may be a good time to add that deck (or something else on the house’s exterior). Here is a resource for the Dayton, OH area.

If we choose to save the money now, we’ll spend it eventually, so there’s no wrong way to use our stimulus checks. Please share how you’re using yours in the comments section.