Stories We Tell Ourselves

Your manager sends you a Slack message: “Can we talk tomorrow?” Immediately, your mind starts working overtime. Did you make a mistake? Is your project in trouble? Are layoffs coming? By the time you shut your laptop, you’ve mentally updated your résumé. 

The next morning, you learn your manager wants you to lead a new initiative. Congratulations! You just spent 16 hours worrying about a promotion opportunity. 

Your brain is quite the storyteller. Unfortunately, it sometimes confuses fiction with nonfiction. That’s valuable data because the stories you believe influence the decisions you make. And those decisions affect more than you.

Your Brain Wants a Complete Story

Your brain is constantly trying to make sense of incomplete information. When details are missing, it fills in the blanks using past experiences, expectations, and assumptions. And you know what assuming does. (If not, message me.) For example: You predict how a conversation might go before having it. You imagine how someone will react to your decision. You mentally troubleshoot possible problems so you can prepare for them. 

This ability is a double-edged sword. It does help you anticipate challenges. The trouble starts when you believe a scenario you imagined is a fact. Your brain has written the script, cast the characters, and decided on the ending before anyone else knows they’re in the movie. 

For example, let’s say a friend declines your invitation to dinner. You assume they’re upset because they seemed distracted during your last conversation. You feel rejected, so you stop reaching out. Meanwhile, they’re dealing with a family emergency. Your assumption just influenced a relationship, and the other person has no idea. 

Now imagine making that kind of assumption about someone you supervise or mentor. Your interpretation could affect the opportunities you give them or how much you trust their judgment.

Situational Awareness Changes the Story

Situational awareness is the ability to notice what’s happening around you, understand what it means, and anticipate what might happen next. It’s an essential leadership skill whether you’re managing employees, raising children, volunteering in your community, or supporting a friend through a difficult decision. 

Before responding, you have to understand the circumstances. Your perspective is limited by the information available to you. For example, you’re leading a volunteer committee and one member repeatedly misses deadlines. You assume they’re uncommitted and consider replacing them. Then you learn their workload doubled after another volunteer resigned. That information changes your response. Instead of replacing someone who’s contributing what they can, you redistribute responsibilities. Situational awareness helps you recognize when your interpretation is incomplete. It allows you to respond appropriately to what’s actually happening. 

How to Develop a Better Story

Separate facts from fiction – For example, a teammate challenges your recommendation during a meeting. You immediately think, “They don’t respect me.” What’s the fact? They questioned your recommendation. What’s the story? They don’t respect you. Those are two very different things, even if your ego disagrees. 

If you become defensive, you may discourage that teammate from ever speaking up again. Your team could lose valuable information because you interpreted a question as a personal attack. 

Ask yourself, “What made me think that?” Maybe your teammate sees a financial risk you’ve overlooked. Their question could improve your proposal. Separating facts from assumptions helps you recognize confirmation bias: our tendency to favor information that supports what we already believe.

Get curious before getting certain – Brains love certainty. Even an incorrect explanation can feel more comfortable than admitting you don’t know something. Leaders are especially vulnerable to this because people often expect you to have answers. That pressure can tempt you to make decisions before understanding the situation. 

Resist the urge to guess someone’s motivation. Ask instead. When your teenager responds with one-word answers, you might assume they’re being disrespectful. Instead of launching into a lecture, you could ask, “You seem quieter than usual. Is something bothering you?” 

At work, when a project deadline unexpectedly changes, ask your manager, “What change caused the deadline to move?” Specific questions replace speculation with information. They also demonstrate you’re willing to consider someone else’s perspective. Curiosity makes you more trustworthy because people feel heard instead of judged. 

Check your emotional temperature – Your imagination can trigger emotions. Picture an argument that hasn’t happened yet. Notice how your shoulders tense? Your body responds to the scenario you’re rehearsing, even though the conversation exists entirely in your mind. 

Those emotions can influence how you treat the people who depend on you. Suppose a team member sends you a frustrating email. You interpret their tone as disrespectful and immediately type a sharp response. Before hitting send, notice what’s happening physically. Are you clenching your jaw? Typing faster than usual? Save your draft. Walk away for five minutes. Come back to it when you can read the message more objectively. Future You will appreciate not having to write an apology email. 

Your emotional state influences the environment you create for other people. When you regulate your response, you make it easier for others to communicate openly. 

Match your response to reality – Situational awareness also helps you recognize the size of a problem. For example, a team member misses one meeting. You could interpret that absence as a commitment problem and introduce stricter attendance requirements. Or you could ask what happened. One missed meeting may require a quick conversation. A recurring attendance problem may justify changing expectations. Nobody needs a 12-page attendance policy because someone missed Tuesday’s status update. 

Give your brain some guardrails – The next time you catch yourself building a story around incomplete information, try these strategies: 

• Notice: Identify what triggered your interpretation and how it’s influencing your behavior.
• Separate: Distinguish what happened from what you’re assuming it means.
• Verify: Ask a specific question or seek additional information before making a decision.
• Respond: Choose an action that fits the evidence and is considerate of the people affected. 

You don’t have to investigate every thought. Focus on assumptions that could influence an important decision or relationship. Your brain will keep telling stories. That’s part of how it navigates uncertainty. Your job is to recognize when you’re working with a first draft instead of the finished story. The next time your mind fills in the blanks, ask yourself, “What do I actually know?” 

When has a story you told yourself influenced how you treated someone? Please share in the comments.