Stress – Page 8 – mardihumphreys.com

Treat Me Right

I published this article about The Platinum Rule (TPR) over a year ago. The response I keep receiving merits a part two. As a refresher, you’ve probably heard of The Golden Rule (TGR). It says, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” The next progression of this philosophy is The Platinum Rule (TPR). It says, “Treat others the way they want to be treated.” For example, if I followed TGR, I’d never give anyone a gift card to a restaurant because I don’t want to receive gift cards to restaurants. (Eating at restaurants is a minefield for this diabetic.) Following TPR, if my goal is to celebrate someone, then I should give them something they like, no matter how I feel about it.

In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or grasshopper in front of the fish and said: ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’”

Culture Creator

Employers would be wise to apply Mr. Carnegie’s logic to their workforce. In this movement dubbed The Great Resignation, we have moved on to the Great Reevaluation. The workforce is thinking really hard about the priority their jobs have in their lives. If they are currently dissatisfied with their situation, there are plenty of options from which to choose. The need for employees is so desperate that if employers want to both attract talent and retain it, they’d be wise to consider TPR instead of TGR. For example, if you are a Founder/CEO/President of a small business, then no one loves that company more than you do. It is on your mind 24/7/365. As the leader, your example sets the culture of your company. If you send emails at 10:07PM, then the employee who receives it thinks they have to get out of bed and respond. If you call from your car while dropping your son off at his play rehearsal, then the employee who answers feels like they have to stop making dinner to talk to you. If you review quarterly reports during your daughter’s swim practice, then the employee you texted questioning last month’s lagging sales feels like they have to pause their workout to reply. Your behavior sets a standard of being on-call all the time. Eventually you will burn out both yourself and your workforce. Once your company has this reputation, it’s difficult both to retain current employees and hire new ones.

Lead by Example

You can say that employees don’t have to reply right away, but your behavior gives the impression that an employee who cares about career growth with your company will be responsive. Your words whisper, but your actions shout. Thinking about work is actually work. It is invisible unpaid work that you create for your employees when you habitually cross their boundaries. Define what your business hours are. Set reasonable communication boundaries for both before and after those hours. Respect those boundaries. That is an effective use of the TPR.

What does your company do to apply The Platinum Rule to employees? Please share in the comments.

The Home Team

While at the grocery store, I passed the coffee kiosk. It was fairly busy. The barista was at the register taking orders. A couple of women waited near the pick-up counter. A man with a sleeping baby in a carrier approached the pickup counter and found his coffee. He excused himself around the two women waiting for their orders. One of the women said, “What a good daddy you are!” I silently wondered, if it was a woman with an iced grande caramel macchiato in one hand and a baby carrier in the other, would the speaker have said, “What a good mommy you are!”? I hope so, but society does not train us to praise mothers for parenting.

From the Beginning

Let’s normalize a team approach to getting the invisible, unpaid work done; especially when it comes to parenting. In a heterosexual, two-parent household, when a baby is born the only thing the mother can do that the father cannot is feed the baby with her own body. Everything else is a level playing field. Mothers don’t instinctively know what a baby needs. For example, when a baby cries in the middle of the night, waking up, getting out of bed, and soothing that baby is not a talent unique to mothers.

In this Together

Let’s stop perceiving domestic work through the lens that society perpetually trains us to use. All genders can learn to change diapers, wash dishes, do laundry, take out the trash, get the kids to school, rehearsal, practice, the dentist, etc. Let’s rethink the assumption that the person in the couple with the lowest income (typically the woman) is by default the family manager. In a heterosexual household, let’s stop sending the message to men that they are “helping” around the house. Even if he takes on the burden of the physical work, the mental and emotional burden is still on the woman if she has to know and decide what, where, when, and how that work gets done.

For the Future

When/If you become a parent, if you have a partner, please normalize co-parenting. In learning to navigate the world they live in, children need each parent’s strength and time. One partner should not be limited to the role of financial provider. The other should not be limited to the role of domestic provider. Doing so denies parents the opportunity to model genderless behavior to their children. For example, it is extremely beneficial for children to witness their father supporting their mother’s passions and goals while managing his daily routines. When they see their father being patient, unselfish, kind, and collaborative, then they look for those qualities in the people they choose to be in their lives.

What are some things you do to promote co-parenting? Please share in the comments.

On the Road Again

Like Dorothy Parker, every day we wake up and wonder, “What fresh hell is this?” Ukraine, monkeypox, Roe v. Wade, the lingering effect of COVID’s mutations, mass shootings, extreme weather events…not only is 2022 taking a toll on your mental health, but it’s also taking a toll on your wallet.

In a good economy your car is a major expense. It’s even more so during the inflation we’re experiencing right now. Hopefully, the situation is temporary. While we wait to find out, here are some things you can do right now to save money on driving.

One

Can you get by with one car? How about no car? If you live in a walking city and work remotely, think about what you use a car for. If all you can come up with is the occasional weekend away or driving for holiday visits across a state or two, you could rent a car for those occasions. Selling your car pays off your loan if you have one. It also saves you money on fuel, maintenance, repairs, and insurance.

Insurance

Speaking of insurance, if you used to commute to work and are now working remotely, contact your insurance company and ask for a discount. Insurance premiums are based on risk. The fewer miles you spend on the road, the less risk you have of getting into an insurable accident. Find out if your provider offers a low-mileage discount and if you qualify for it. Not all insurance companies have the same parameters, so if you don’t qualify for your current insurance company’s low-mileage discount, comparison shop.
Do you own both a house and a car? Do you rent your residence and own a car? Do you have life insurance? Do you own a boat and/or a motorcycle? Ask your insurance provider about discounts for bundling multiple policies.
Do you have more insurance than you need? Everyone’s situation is different, so here are some guidelines. If you are carrying too much, right-size your policy.
Keep your FICO score high Some banks let you check it without negatively impacting it and even notify you when it changes. A higher credit score can lower your auto insurance premium.

Wait

If you can put off purchasing a new vehicle until 2023, do. The usual advice on saving transportation money is to sell your car and buy a used, late-model, economy car, but right now, finding those is difficult. Even If your car needs a major repair, if you can maintain your ride another year, it’s still likely to cost less than buying another one.

Gas

Carpool with a coworker
Sign up for your favorite grocery’s fuel rewards program
Download and use a fuel comparison app
Drive the speed limit
Make sure your tires are properly inflated
Use cruise control
Remove items that inhibit the aerodynamics of your vehicle (e.g., roof racks, bike racks)
Don’t drive if you don’t have to. For example, combine multiple errands into one trip, use your grocery’s delivery service, etc.

What are you doing to save money on transportation costs? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

It’s Memorial Day weekend; the official start of summer recreation. School lets out, community pools open, and outdoor concerts shift into high gear. Does anyone else feel weird about kicking off summer fun with a holiday based on mourning the military personnel who died while serving in the United States armed forces? No? Just me? Okay. The sacrifices they made secured the freedom we enjoy. We pause, remember, and are grateful.

Speaking of weird, how is your adjustment to working in person going? We endeavor to discuss the evolution of work in dispassionate, detached, and practically Vulcan tones, but under the calm exteriors, all the feels are brewing.

Employees want more freedom over where and when work gets done. Employers are afraid to give up that much control. Changes like a four-day work week, WFH options, and bringing your dog to work are just the beginning. They lead to other debates like, What about unlimited PTO? How about healthcare insurance coverage from day one? Will the company offer stock options?

The attention both employers and employees have to pay to these emotionally charged topics is exhausting on top of the work that needs to get done. Often, when you’re weary, emotions, especially the negative ones, lead the conversations instead of interpret them. Under what circumstances is it okay to express strong emotions at work?

Emotions are contagious and can escalate an exchange into an argument. In the absence of communication, negative emotions are even more dangerous because where information is absent, your brain fills in the blanks.

For example, if your manager keeps putting off approving a time-sensitive decision, you don’t know why they aren’t giving you an answer. You can assume they are thoughtfully processing the possible implications of their decision. It’s more likely you’re going to assume they’re putting you off because they forgot about you or don’t respect you. These negative thoughts produce negative emotions that fabricate a story you believe is the truth. Then, you may get angry and make a decision without your manager’s sign-off. You tell yourself you will ask for forgiveness if it turns out they don’t approve.

But, what happens when you discover the story you told yourself is false? Now you’ve damaged the trust between you and your manager. How do you recover from that? What do you learn from it? How do you fix it? What triggers do you put in place to prevent it from happening again? (Recommended reading: Rising Strong, by Brene Brown)

During this transition from the way work was done to the way it will be done, it’s crucial that you manage your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. You must pay attention to what you give your attention to. Be an active listener. Summarize and repeat back what you think you heard. Presume everyone is on the same team and working toward what is best both for the organization and for each other.

When was the last time you had to stop your brain from filling in a communication gap at work? Please share in the comments.

Nature vs Nurture

“The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.”
Charles Kettering

Recruiting and retaining talent has been a challenge ever since prehistoric tribal chiefs realized that they had enough gatherers and began persuading some of them to try hunting. As the years passed, population growth allowed employers more choices. When they needed more workers some employers, like the prehistoric tribal chief, saw who currently worked for them and upskilled them to accomplish the new goal. This changed the company’s working environment. Other employers reached out and found people who already had the necessary skill and hired them. Employers’ expectations not only dictated who did the work, but also what, where, when, and how the work got done.

Priority Shift

Since the information age began in the 1970s, the evolution of work and the workforce needed to do it, have incrementally shifted the power of negotiating the terms of employment away from the employer and toward the employee. COVID-19 ushered in the Great Rs (Retirement, Resignation, Reckoning, Reshuffle) spotlighting the fact that employees feel like they are done with living to work and instead want to work to live. They want to integrate work into their lives, but not necessarily make their job their top priority. Yet plenty of organizational leaders are resisting this change. They insist on maintaining a traditional, pre-pandemic business environment while simultaneously trying to both retain current employees and attract new ones. You can spot some of these companies by their reactions to the workforce shortage. For example, their attempts at luring talent include hour wage hikes and signing bonuses. This practice is not only unsustainable, but also unattractive to potential employees and resented by current ones.

Share and Share Alike

Wise leadership will retain and recruit employees by cultivating a more transparent and inclusive work environment. COVID revealed that traditional hierarchical leadership is a lot less valuable now. Business runs at the speed of trust. A company managed by leadership that keeps both data and opportunities to themselves, instead of being open about employee pay metrics and career growth, won’t stay in business very long. These are the organizations who continue to believe in the myth of the messianic figure with a Midas touch that will fix everything. They continue to ignore the tendency of this type of leader to be a fixed-mindset dictator. Employees used to work for this type of leader because they were afraid of losing their jobs, but now, not so much. The companies run by servant leaders who both hire talent with strong soft skills and create a culture of growth by implementing diverse ideas, building a strong foundation of trust, and sharing credit for success, are the companies that will successfully retain and recruit talent during the next Great R.

This evolution was happening pre-pandemic, but progress is like turning the Titanic around. Those in power naturally want to maintain the pre-pandemic status quo, but there’s no going back to what was considered normal. Smart employers will figure out whether or not they want to stay in business and what changes they are willing to make to do so.

What changes would you like to see regarding the way work gets done? Please share in the comments.

Child-free by Choice

WARNINGS: In honor of Mother’s Day, this is a woman-centric conversation. Also, I have a lot of questions.

Why do people assume that women have a responsibility to reproduce? Men get questioned, but do they get shamed for not having children? Parenthood is a social convention not a natural condition. Raising children in America is arduous and, if you participate in the workforce, it’s difficult to be both a mother and an employee.

The Way It Is

From birth, society bombards females with the message that job, marriage, and kids are what make you successful and therefore, happy. Women who intentionally choose a child-free lifestyle inevitably deal with periods of powerful anxiety and self-doubt regarding their decision because culture warns women that they will eventually regret not becoming a mother. Those who choose not to have children get labeled selfish, self-absorbed, and shallow. They are accused of hating children, but child-free represents a lifestyle choice not animosity. For example, Betty White supported St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, Dolly Parton founded Dolly’s Imagination Library, and Oprah Winfrey built The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.

Let’s Be Honest

Parenting is really hard – The United States does not have a national paid parental-leave program, childcare is expensive and hard to find, and mothers are expected to assume the bulk of the responsibility for raising children. The pandemic threw a spotlight on these barriers to mothers’ participation in the workforce challenging women to seriously reconsider what responsibilities they can realistically manage.

Motherhood does not make you content – Women are increasingly defying societal conventions en masse and thinking about their “why” in terms of motherhood. Research shows that in the 1970s one out of 10 women reached menopause without giving birth. In 2010, the rate was one out of five.

The biological clock is a myth – Not every woman has an innate desire to reproduce, but if your friends are having babies, you may feel left out. Ask yourself, “Do I really want to be a mother? Or do I just want to want to be a mother?”

The Decision

There are plenty of reasons for remaining child-free:

You are a complete human without the experience of motherhood
You do not have adequate support and/or resources
You have trouble taking care of yourself
You’re considering motherhood because others expect it from you
270 more

If you like your life the way it is (you travel, value freedom and spontaneity, need lots of alone time), then it is better to not have kids and regret it later than to have kids and regret it later.

If you are a woman living in America and considering motherhood, take a listen to the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Episode 6 OVERWHELM especially the beginning of the Hard Questions segment starting at 31:03. This is an honest conversation around what is considered normal regarding “the gig” of motherhood as it currently exists in American society.

What do you think of the state of motherhood in America? Please share in the comments.

Battery Low

I have a wireless headset that audibly notifies me of certain conditions. When it connects she says, “Your headset is connected.” When it’s about to turn itself off because it needs charged she sternly announces, “Battery low.” I wish my brain would issue the same warning when I spend too long on a project without a break.

One of the factors in the Great Resignation is employee burnout. Are you fanning those flames? While growing up, maybe your parents and teachers trained you to finish your chores and homework before you were allowed to play. Now you’re internally compelled to finish a project before you can rest. The problem with that mindset is there’s always another project waiting.

I heard a word recently that’s stuck in my head: fallow. It’s an agricultural term referring to a field that annually grows crops and is intentionally set aside for at least one growing cycle. Going fallow allows the soil to recover. It gets rid of germs, stores nutrients, and retains water. I keep coming back to this concept in relation to my brain. When I think about letting my mind go fallow, I think of taking a vacation, a weekend off, or at least a lunch period. To me, getting rid of germs, storing nutrients, and retaining water sounds like washing my hands then eating a salad and chasing it with a bottle of water. But I’m beginning to think we all should let our minds go fallow multiple times during the workday. Research shows that breaks make us more effective, but are we taking them? If so, then are we doing them right?

What a break is not:

Switching from one task to another
Reading and replying to email
Returning calls
Running office errands
Cleaning

What a break is:

Standing up and stretching
Walking away from your workspace and equipment; around the block, if possible. Do something to temporarily get your blood flowing a little faster
Read a chapter in a novel
Text a friend
Play Wordle

Benefits

Some benefits of taking breaks are intuitive. For example, they recharge your energy, refocus your attention, and battle job burnout. There are also some not-so-intuitive benefits like increased productivity, physical and mental restoration, and increased employee engagement.

Methods

It’s counterproductive to only take a break when you’ve reached exhaustion. If brief rest periods make you feel guilty, then think of them as productivity breaks. Train yourself to perceive a pause as an efficient element of your energy management routine. Here are a few verified methods to help you develop a good habit.

Pomodoro Technique – 25 minutes of work, then a five-minute break, with a 15-minute break at least once every two hours.

Microbreaks – Five-minute breaks randomly taken at your discretion.

The Draugiem Group Way – in 2014 this company ran an experiment with their employees regarding the optimum time for breaks. Their findings indicate that working for 52 minutes then taking a 17-minute break is what the most productive members of their staff did.

How do you incorporate breaks into your workday? Please share your strategy in the comments.

Join the Resistance

When you give something your attention, you’re letting it rule your life for however long you think about it. This can be good, like visualizing what you want your slide deck to look like for next week’s presentation, or bad, like reliving last week’s argument with your supervisor. When it comes to deciding the best use of your time, energy, attention, and money, what you say no to is just as important as what you say yes to.

Attention Management

Attempts to increase productivity trace at least as far back as 1890 when William James wrote The Principles of Psychology. One of his statements is profound in its prophecy. He said, “My experience is what I agree to attend to.” Managing your attention is key to maintaining your priorities. Sounds easy, right? Then what’s stopping you from achieving your goals?

I can resist anything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

The brainpower necessary to make wise choices is exhausting. Should you eat the doughnut or the apple? Should you watch TikTok or go for a run? Should you proofread your report or text your friend? When you concentrate on trying not to do something, it captures your attention. You’re more likely to give in to the temptation and do the very thing that you’re trying to resist. Instead, distract yourself. Also, limit your proximity to the temptation. For example, if you want to resist the doughnut and eat the apple instead, then hide the doughnut and put the apple at your workstation. Go for a walk around the block before eating anything.

Recognize the Real Enemy

Setting boundaries is easy. Holding them is difficult. Attention is like a muscle. You have to build it. You strengthen and lengthen your attention span every time you identify who, what, when, where, why, and how you got distracted from your goal. Then, change one or more of those variables to produce your desired result. For example, I’m a process improver. I analyze undesired results and reverse engineer them to identify where the outcome began to veer off course. Then, I imagine different choices to envision how they each may produce more desirable results. In terms of self-control, this could look like:

Undesired Result – Your deliverable was late
Veered off course – You missed one deadline
Analyze –
- Were other projects with similar deadlines competing for your attention?
- Was the deadline not communicated?
- Was the deadline communicated but you forgot to calendar it?
- Were you waiting for someone to get back to you with key information?
- Were you interrupted by an emergency?
- Were you distracted by social media?

The answers will dictate the next iteration of the deliverable process. For example, if you missed the deadline because you couldn’t resist the temptation to scroll through social media for hours everyday, then locking your phone in a drawer until break times will be added to the process because it will help you control your technology, behavior, thoughts, and environment. All these are factors that can distract you from reaching your goal.

How do you manage your attention? Please share in the comments.

I’ll Think About Procrastination Tomorrow

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they go by.”
Douglas Adams

I felt bad about moving the T in my S.M.A.R.T. goal back. AGAIN. Then I discovered Hofstadter’s law. In 1979 cognitive scientist Douglas Hofstadter said any plan you make will always take longer to complete than you expect it to; even if you over estimate how long the plan will take to complete. So, it’s not just me; it’s all of us. In fact, intentionally pushing back deadlines, or procrastination, can be a useful tool.

Purposeful Delay

The key to making procrastination a superpower is to do it intentionally. In 1927 Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnick proved that if you are interrupted during a task and you leave it unfinished, then you actively remember it until the task is completed. When you purposely leave a task unfinished in order to remember to do it, that is active procrastination. It’s different from passive procrastination, which is leaving a task unfinished because you don’t want to do it. For example, if you binge watch euphoria to avoid returning a client’s voicemail, then you are passively procrastinating. However, if by the end of an episode you discovered how to address the client’s concern and return their call, then you are actively procrastinating.

Problem Solving

If you pressure yourself to get everything done by the end of the work day, (shoutout to Team Inbox Zero!) then it takes self-control to let an issue go undecided. But when procrastinating to problem solve, you have to allow enough time for creativity to happen. The trick is knowing how long the creativity will take. You can’t tell your manager that you missed a deadline because you were thinking about all the possible solutions. For example, set a time limit, like half an hour, and do something totally unrelated to the challenge you’re trying to resolve. Walk the dog, play solitaire on your phone (or with a real deck of cards), shoot some hoops. Switch to a physical activity that engages more of your senses and less of your brain. Revisit the project after your set time is up. Whatever new avenues you now see to explore, limit your choices to those.

Priority List

Intentional procrastination is useful for prioritizing. In some cases if you put a task off long enough, then you realize you don’t need to waste your time doing it. For example, at the end of your work day you make a list of what you did not get done today and intend to get done tomorrow. If there is a task that ends up on that list every day for a week, then at the end of your work week think about why you didn’t accomplish it. Is the task necessary? Is it a lengthy process that needs to be broken down into multiple tasks? Is it a task you can delegate to a direct report?

How do you make time for procrastination and still meet deadlines? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Press Your Luck

St. Patrick’s Day is this week and while you’re deciding whether or not you have a green shirt appropriate for work, thieves are working to steal the pot of gold you plan to get back from the federal government. It’s time to file your taxes and scammers are looking for ways to get their hands on your refund. Some of the most common scams involve stealing your identity. Here are three you should be aware of.

Tax Refund Fraud

You submit your tax return online. You receive a notification that your taxes have already been filed and the refund paid. A scammer has filed a tax return pretending to be you and stolen your refund. That isn’t the only thing they’ve stolen. They have to have your Personally Identifiable Information (PII) to file a tax return; specifically, your name, Social Security number and birthdate. This means they’ve stolen you identity too. To prevent this, keep your PII both secret and secured. It’s also a wise choice to file your taxes as soon as you receive all the necessary documents, like W-2s, 1099s, etc. Here is a checklist.

IRS Imposter

You receive a call from someone who presents themselves as an official. They say you owe unpaid taxes. You want to both act with integrity and stay out of trouble, so you’re inclined to answer their invasive questions about your PII. Right now you may be thinking, “This is old news. Fraudsters have been doing this for years.” And you’d be right. But if you see the words Internal Revenue Service (IRS) on your caller ID, it makes the scam seem legitimate, doesn’t it? Scammers get more sophisticated every year and experienced ones use spoofing to disguise themselves. To prevent this, remember that the IRS does not contact you through a phone call, text, email, or social media. If they want to get ahold of you they will snail mail you a letter. If you want to double check after receiving a communication other than a letter, call them at (800) 829-1040 and tell them what happened.

Stolen Unemployment Benefits

You lost your job thanks to COVID-19 and received unemployment benefits from your state in 2021. That money is taxable by the federal government. You received an IRS Form 1099-G. Box 1 on this form lists an amount of money you did not receive, or the amount listed is more than you received, or you did not apply for unemployment benefits from the state that sent you the form. A criminal has stolen your identity and used it to file for unemployment benefits. To prevent this, if you receive a text message or email from someone claiming to be from a state workforce agency and it contains a link to a website, do not click on the link. The message is from a scammer who is trying to trick you into going to their fake website. They want you to think that you’re applying for unemployment benefits on this site, but what you’re really doing is giving them the PII they need to steal your identity. If you receive a text or email like that, report it here.

Here is a longer list of current tax scams the IRS is keeping an eye on. What do you do to protect yourself from tax fraud? Please share in the comments.