Stress – Page 14 – mardihumphreys.com

Lessons for Losers

Competition is a central theme in American society. The Super Bowl and the Olympics happening at the same time gave us competition overload. Even the men honored for President’s Day won a contest. You’re in contests every day. At work, you’re competing with teammates for the next promotion, on social media you’re competing with “friends” for likes, at home you’re competing with hostile Minecraft mobs for survival. Given the nature of competition, there can only be one winner. That means the majority of contestants are going to lose. How are the losers supposed to recover?

Perspective

Winning a contest often involves luck (preparation meets opportunity). When you have one shot at beating the competition, like the Super Bowl, many variables have to combine in just the right order to win. That’s one of the reasons underdogs are so appealing. After the Bengals lost the Super Bowl, quarterback Joe Burrow’s comments were full of responsibility for his performance, grace for his team, respect for his opponent, and hope for the future. His emotionally intelligent response after the loss is a template for how you can react when your team experiences a setback at work.

Perseverance

When you have to wait four years for a shot at a gold medal, having an off day during your short program can crush your spirit. In 2018 men’s figure skater, Nathan Chen, was favored to win gold in PyeongChang. But a series of failed jumps left him placing fifth in the men’s singles competition. Like a true statistics and data science major, Chen spent the next four years analyzing what went wrong and what it would take to fix it. He had plenty of experience dealing with adversity in regard to figure skating. When he started, his family was impoverished. He used his sister’s skates and all the money his mother could scare up to pay his coach. Chen seemed to learn early in his training that the only failure is giving up. The rest is just gathering data. His perseverance paid off when he won the 2022 gold medal in men’s singles figure skating in Beijing. His tenacity after the loss is a reminder to refine, iterate, and try your process again after your team experiences a setback at work.

Pivot

Everyone has to accept the outcome of a Presidential election otherwise democracy doesn’t work. If those who don’t like the outcome refuse to accept it and actively work to change it, then the nation can’t move forward. You don’t have to like the result in order to accept it. For example, Al Gore did not like the outcome of his 2000 Presidential contest with George W. Bush. But on December 13, 2000, after the Supreme Court decided 5-4 (another contest, btw) that Bush was the President of the United States, Gore said this: “Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the court’s decision, I accept it. For the sake of our unity as a people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession.” He turned his desire to serve the public into raising awareness of the dangers of climate change. Gore wrote and starred in An Inconvenient Truth for which he won an Academy Award for Best Documentary in 2007. His decision to shift focus after the loss is an inspiration to try new ideas after your team experiences a setback at work.

What lessons did you learn from the losers of the Super Bowl, Olympics, and Presidential elections that inspire you to keep competing? Please share in the comments.

Isn’t It Romantic?

It’s not the most romantic topic to discuss for Valentine’s Day, but since close to three out of four American couples say that money is what they fight about most, let’s get to the bottom of the problem so that we can get back to the love.

Our Lips Are Sealed

No one talks about money. Do you know what your coworkers’ salaries are? Trends indicate that 2022 will be the year to normalize pay transparency. If you can get comfortable talking with your team about money, then it will be easier to discuss with your partner too. Fights about money aren’t really about the money. They are about how we feel about the money. We bring all kinds of beliefs about it to our relationships including what society taught us about it, how our family used it, and our past experiences with it. For example, if you’d rather save money than spend it, then the pain center in your brain activates when your partner makes a purchase that you consider expensive. You may feel like you work hard to earn your paycheck and it’s bad enough that taxes, insurance premiums, retirement savings, etc., come out of it before you even see a penny and now your partner is spending what’s left on whatever they want. The spender got joy out of the purchase, but is now frustrated by your judgement of their decision. Both of you are making up negative narratives about one another in your heads because neither one of you feels good talking about what just happened. Now MY head hurts.

Start Me Up

Talk about money. When you decide to share your partner’s financial responsibilities, you both have to be self-aware enough to know what your values, triggers, and goals are. Then you both have to be brave enough to calmly communicate them to your partner on a regular basis. The two of you are in this financial situation together and need to maintain a team mindset. Keep your first conversation basic. Talk about a budget. For example, at least discuss what you have to spend (bills), what you have to save (emergency fund), and what you want to spend (leisure). If the word budget has a negative connotation for either you, or your partner, or both, then rename it. Call it Spending Plan, or Our Money Goals, or whatever label reminds you both that this agreement is a tool to help you build your future together. Ahhh…now we’re back to the love.

Let’s Dance

I oversimplified the solution, and simple doesn’t mean easy. Achieving financial compatibility can be more complicated than learning the Viennese Waltz. I boiled it down to give you a launch pad. The very act of starting the money conversation will give both of you peace of mind. You can’t put a price tag on that.

Why do you think talking openly about money is taboo in our society? Please share in the comments.

You First

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The constant running around during the holidays keeps you so filled with adrenaline that it’s easy to ignore how exhausted you are. Now that the holidays are officially over, you may feel under the weather. The very events that are supposed to be joyful often cause the most stress because of our (sometimes unrealistic) expectations. Add to that the uncertainty of the various variants of COVID plus the impending menace of cold and flu season and you have the ingredients for a tasty overthink stew. If your mind, body, and/or spirit are telling you to stop, then pay attention. Give yourself the gift of self-care.

Physical

Does stress have your neck tied up in knots? Get a massage. Do you feel jittery? Cut back on the caffeine. Do you feel sluggish? Cut back on the alcohol. Get up from your desk or couch and exercise. It doesn’t have to be strenuous. If it’s unseasonably warm, go for a walk. If it’s too cold outside to do that, then stretch or do some balance work. Be kind to your body by covering the basics: get eight hours of sleep, eat healthy foods, and drink plenty of water.

Mental

Not everyone’s holidays were happy. If you’re feeling more morose than merry, then try identifying your triggers. For example, does the thought of returning gifts in person at a big box store freak you out because of the close proximity of all the people and the possibilities of the presence of COVID? Then think about alternatives: go at a time when the store is least busy (Googling the store name will give you this data), wear a mask, and practice social distancing. Or, Is your mind overwhelmed by all the work others want your help with because they put projects on hold until after the holidays? Take a minute and ask yourself which of these projects require your unique expertise. Is there someone else you can delegate a project to? (Bonus points if that person is someone you sponsor.)

Spiritual

Routines can be calming. Beginning and ending your day the same way every day signals to your mind that everything is as it should be. Maybe you begin your day with prayer/meditation over coffee. Maybe you end it with box breathing as you lay in bed waiting for sleep. Practicing gratitude can be spiritual too. If you kept a gratitude journal for 2021, now is a good time to go back to the beginning and read it. If you didn’t, then to fill its pages for 2022, consider making it a priority to do one nice thing for one person everyday. It can be as simple as holding the door for someone behind you as you both enter the same building.

Resolve to pay attention to your mind, body, and spirit through regular self-care this year and do not feel guilty about it. If you want to pull out crayons and a Scooby Doo coloring book and spend an hour, then do it!

How do you practice self-care? Please share your tips in the comments.

Off-balance

COVID-19 and its variants have allowed us to blur our boundaries between work and not work for the last 21 months. For whole industries The Great Resignation is fueled by the results. As 2022 approaches, society contemplates the future of work and how to make it sustainable for both employers and workforce. In the meantime, what if you tried integrating your job with your life instead of striving for work-life balance?

Isn’t Work a Part of Your Life?

Why are the two entities compartmentalized and put on a scale? When you assimilate what you do for a living into the rest of your life, it’s easier to bring your whole self to both. For example, if you work for a small business, maybe you have to handle accounting as well as on-boarding new hires. When you apply those pivoting skills to work and not-work responsibilities, you create flexible solutions for both. You may have to pioneer these types of innovations at your company. People are creatures of habit. How likely is it that your manager will offer to meet with you to brainstorm ways you can do your job outside of the office? Since you know how best to accomplish your projects, you have to demonstrate how your plan works best. For example, make sure your manager knows you are creating win-win situations for all the parties involved. Wasn’t the client impressed with your dedication to their account when you joined the videoconference from your car during your child’s basketball practice? You also have to monitor your boundaries. Remember that a task you do for your employer is work whether you are doing it in the office at 9:00AM or at your kitchen counter at 9:00PM. Communication (with management, teammates, clients), prioritizing (urgent vs. important), and organization (empowering others to help both at home and work) are key elements for successful work-life integration.

Declare Your Boundaries

To gain some control, try block scheduling. It may help you with the logistics of integration. These blocks can be however long you want. Maybe start with thirty minute blocks and increase up to an hour if you can manage it before taking a break and moving on to the next one. Obvious blocks can be your current work projects broken down into tasks and family medical appointments, but remember to schedule not-so-obvious blocks for exercise, self-care, and leisure. This also helps you see what activities you value and how much time you really need for them.

Change is Hard

Our relationship to work is changing. Employees have more leverage than ever right now. Workforce is waiting to see how governments will respond to the call for reformation of childcare, living wages, and paid time off policies. Employees are shaking up the business community with their insistence on flexibility like shorter work days/weeks, and hybrid work models. While we navigate this transition, do what you need to do to take care of yourself, especially your mental health. You can both do your best for your employer and yourself.

How did you integrate what you do for a living into your life in 2021? Please share in the comments.

It Can Be Tricky

Photo by Rasa Kasparaviciene from Pexels

The approaching holiday has you all up in your thankful feels, but you’re worried about inadvertently offending instead of appreciating. When it comes to acknowledging your managers, remote teammates, clients, coworkers, volunteers, board members, mentors (Wow. You have a ginormous sphere of influence.), if you express your gratitude sincerely, specifically, and sensitively, then it has the best chance of being received well. Here are some examples of what not to do followed by a better way.

Sincere

DON’T: You stop at your teammate’s cubicle and see they are out to lunch. You leave a blank envelope containing a five-dollar gift card to their favorite local coffeehouse on their desk, then you go out to lunch. Your teammate returns and finds the random gift. Instead of feeling appreciated, they are creeped out.

DO: Wait for an opportunity to see them in person so you can look them in the eye and tell them why you’re giving them this gift. How did their recent action positively affect you? Simply saying, “I appreciate you having my back in the report-out meeting last month. Please have a cup of coffee on me at your convenience.” Will not only prevent them from being creeped out, it should also ensure their future support.

Specific

DON’T: You just gave your direct report a glowing performance review. At the end of the meeting, you say, “Great job last year. Keep it up. Have a good rest of your day,” then leave the video conference.

DO: You have to go through the standard on-a-scale-of-one-to-five form for HR, but if you want to retain this employee, you also need to draw a little deeper from the appreciation well. There are probably several instances when they made your life easier last year. Choose one and expound on it. For example, “Thank you for putting the Powerpoint presentation together last July for the contract renewal meeting. It took a lot of time to shepherd all the departments involved, fact check the slides, and incorporate everyone’s notes. Would you please write a report with your suggestions on how we can improve that process?” Not only does that express your gratitude for their mad follow-up skills, it also validates their work, lets them know they have a future with the organization, and encourages them to take on more responsibility.

Sensitive

DON’T: Once a year you give an award to the individual contributor that received the most positive feedback for customer service. This year’s recipient is known throughout the organization as an extreme introvert. You present the award to them in front of the whole company and their plus ones at the annual holiday lunch. Instead of feeling honored, they are embarrassed.

DO: Is it necessary to announce the award winner at the holiday lunch? If so, don’t force the extreme introvert to walk up in from of everyone to accept it. An award of appreciation should be thoughtful, creative, and personal. An announcement in the company newsletter and a handwritten note thanking them for the good care they took of your customers last year is more appropriate for an extreme introvert.

Thirty percent of employees quit their jobs due to lack of appreciation. Maybe your New Year’s resolution could be finding one thing to sincerely appreciate about one person every day. A daily gratitude habit can be contagious. You could revolutionize your workplace.

How often do you intentionally thank those around you? Please share in the comments.

Help Me Help You

You don’t get a raise because you need the extra money. You get a raise because you’ve made a positive impact on the bottom line and the company anticipates you’ll contribute in the future. If you executed duties above your job description, brought in revenue, and/or saved the company money, then you deserve a raise.

It’s Work

If you don’t have a “Brag File” yet, start one. Right. Now. Populate a new folder on your desktop with complimentary emails from both clients and coworkers, the link to your recommendations page on LinkedIn, awards, and any other evidence of the great job you did over the past 365 days. With this research, write a report quantifying your value to the company using explicit data to empower your case. For example, “I saved the company $19,800 in training expenses through my network connections and research.” Practice talking about how what you’re currently working on will benefit the company in the near future. Check out websites like salary.com to find out what others with your job title make. All these things pulled together enable you to enter the meeting knowing your worth.

It’s Scary

Your goal is to make you, your manager, and your company successful. You did your due diligence and have every reason to be optimistic, but it’s natural to feel nervous. Set a positive tone when you walk into the room. After greetings and small talk, use your curiosity to dive into your agenda. Ask your manager what their priority is right now. Follow up their answer with what you did this past year to help them get closer to their goal by pulling that report from your Brag File. Thank them for their insight. Tell them you’ll use it to further refine your process to assist them in achieving their priority. Of course, that means you will take on more responsibility and you anticipate that more compensation accompanies that effort. Say that with a poker face. Take the emotion out of the conversation. Report what you did to further the company’s success last year, demonstrate how you intend to keep doing it next year, and put a dollar amount on what the company should invest in your time, energy, and attention. It’s more scary to not get the raise you could’ve received if you’d simply asked for it.

It’s Worth It

Seventy percent of employees who ask for a raise get one. You may be told no even though you performed your job above and beyond its description. COVID-19 decimated our economy and your employer may not have the funds to give you a pay increase right now. Ask if the company is open to other forms of compensation (e.g., flexible schedule). If your requests are rejected, schedule a meeting for six months from now to revisit the possibility. Ask what KPIs your manager would like to see you hit in the interim. Keep your manager updated on your progress either through scheduled 1:1s or an end-of-week emailed report showing that your work is aligned with both your manager’s and the company’s goals.

If the compensation conversation intimidates you, reframe your fear as excitement. You’re anxious to share the good news of how you’ve improved both yourself and the company during the past year. If your enthusiasm is welcomed by your manager, then that’s a good sign you have a future with the company. If it isn’t, well, that tells you something too.

What do you do to build up your confidence to ask for a raise? Please share in the comments.

Purposeful Procrastination

Here in the Digital Age where business moves at the speed of data traveling through fiber, if I’m not productive every minute I’m at work, I fear that I’m being lazy. Since emails are tasks someone wants us to do and they arrive 24/7/365, it seems I’m not the only one with boundary issues. In terms of time management, we put off completing a task because we have other tasks that are either more urgent or more important. Or, we put it off because we don’t want to do it. But what if we use procrastination as a tool to preserve our boundaries?

If/Then

If we restrain ourselves from replying all to a group email asking for volunteers to organize the office holiday party, then are we lazy or are we allowing someone else to step into leadership?
If we proofread the slide deck for tomorrow’s weekly team meeting because the team member assigned to do so hasn’t done it yet, then are we being helpful or are we doing their job for them?
If we accomplish a last-minute errand for a co-worker, do we then set ourselves up for accomplishing more last-minute tasks for this co-worker in the future?

This is Not the Admin You’re Looking For

For example, sixty-three minutes before my team was scheduled for a video conference with a client, the account manager emailed me saying that the client needed to reschedule. He tasked me with:

Notifying the other team members that the meeting was postponed
Checking their availability for the new meeting time the client proposed
Rescheduling the meeting on our video conferencing platform
Updating the meeting calendar invitation

When this task arrived in my inbox, I was preparing for a different video conference huddle that was only fifteen minutes away. I had time to send a quick group email, but I chose to ignore the account manager’s request and prepare for my imminent meeting.

Sixty-eight minutes later, the emails from my teammates flew, reply-all style. The account manager ended up completing all the tasks he attempted to assign to me.

Confession: I intentionally procrastinated.

Sorry (Not Sorry)

It was hard to restrain myself. I felt bad for not preventing my teammates’ confusion and for using them to force the account manager to do his own administration. But apparently, I did not feel bad enough to go ahead and do the account manager’s administration. I prioritized my boundary above everyone else’s convenience.

Proceed With Caution

Having said (and done) that, please remember that we should exercise good judgement when evaluating such situations. Using restraint to enforce boundaries can look like procrastination and can be detrimental to our brand. We need to examine who may be impacted and how negatively before we intentionally delay action. In the above example, three people were inconvenienced for a relatively short period of time and my brand was positively impacted because I’m not the team’s administrator. I used the passage of time to help me hold that boundary. Hours after the incident, I replied to the account manager’s original email. I suggested that it’s probably not a best practice to rely on me to complete last-minute tasks as evidenced by this incident. I have not received another last-minute task from him since.

Have you ever intentionally put off work? Why? Please share in the comments.

Old Money

You spend your whole life working hard, saving aggressively, and accumulating good credit. Your reward for that high net worth? A big target on your back. In the United States, elder fraud is estimated at $3 billion annually. You want to be polite to strangers and lead with trust, but if you are duped, you could lose your entire life’s savings.

Why Seniors

As of 2019, 34 million baby boomers are retired. This provides fraudsters with a wealth of opportunity. Society often portrays people over 65 years old as naive, lonely, and gullible. When popular schemes become widely publicized, they quickly change tactics. Once a fraudster has your money, it’s almost impossible to it get back.

Current Scams

Fraudsters prey on the target’s emotions. They approach with either overly sympathetic and friendly or overly pushy and threatening behavior. For example:

Romance – offers companionship
Caregiver – you employ them to work around the house, but they accept the job to steal
Grandparent – informs you that a grandchild is in trouble and you need to send the fraudster money to help your grandchild
Government Imposter – threatens arrest unless you pay them
Medicare – claims they are a Medicare representative and asks to verify your number. They use it to bill Medicare for fake services then keep the money. By the way, Medicare will never (and I don’t throw that word around) contact you for your number unless you have previously given them permission
Foreign Sweepstakes/Lottery – asks you to pay a fee to win a fake contest
Charity – a fake non-profit requests a donation
Home Repair – claims your home needs a repair, charges in advance, never provides service
Tech Support – offers to remotely fix non-existent computer problems
Media – fake ad for non-existent services like a reverse mortgage or prescription drugs
Investment – offers a guaranteed high return on your investment but only if you send the money to the fraudster right now
Zoom Account Suspension – an official-looking email saying you can’t use their service arrives with a malicious link to click so they can collect your Personally Identifiable Information (PII)
Vaccine Card – if you posted a selfie on social media with your vaccination card revealing your PII, fraudsters can capture your information to steal your identity

Be Proactive

Stay up-to-date on the current scams and refuse outreach from strangers. When tempted by an offer that seems too good to be true, verify the seller’s credentials, consult someone you trust, and/or research the offer online. Other people have probably already been approached and have insight on it.
Be suspicious of anyone who wants you to make a quick decision and keep it a secret. If someone contacts you claiming you, or someone you love, is in danger, write down their instructions: What do they want you to do (e.g., wire funds, send a gift card)? Where do they want you to send it (phone number, email address, website, financial institution, name, and account number)? Then call the police and give them the information you recorded.
Refuse unsolicited phone calls, mailings, door-to-door services, emails, and texts.
Do not give or send PII or valuables to strangers.
Be mindful online. Use reputable anti-virus software and keep it updated. Enable your computer browser’s pop up blocker. Do not download, open attachments, nor click on links in messages sent from strangers. If you receive an email from someone you don’t know, then the best practice is to delete it without opening it.

What do you do to protect yourself from fraud? Please share in the comments.

Going off the Rails

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” – Abraham Lincoln

How do you know when the axe is sharp enough? Overthinking is a pattern of behavior where your thoughts swirl in an endless negative loop. These thoughts produce fear that clouds your judgement. Instead of preparing you for positive next steps, you get stuck. How thin is the line between preparation and overthinking?

Why It’s Bad

Your brain is trying to reduce the anxiety caused by your situation’s uncertainty, but overthinking typically just produces more questions to worry about.
It may deter you from making rash decisions, but as a habit, overthinking is a gateway to excessive worry which can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, OCD, and/or PTSD.
Pondering all the possible outcomes to a decision is fine, but when it prevents you from choosing one of them, that’s a problem.
Do not confuse overthinking with self-reflection. Self-reflection results in learning, insight, and gaining perspective. Overthinking results in dwelling on everything you don’t have control over and feeling bad about it.
Overthinking projects that are on a deadline gives you less time to complete the project. For example: taking so much time deciding what you’re going to wear to your client presentation that you run out of time to adequately rehearse the presentation.
If you are busy overthinking a situation, then you are too distracted to notice new opportunities.

What It Feels Like

You lose sleep because of the repeated negative thoughts of how you feel about the problem instead of how you’re going to solve it.
You have trouble making easy decisions (e.g., where to go for lunch).
You second guess your decisions (e.g., I should have known in the interview that Joe Sixpack was a bad hire).

How To Stop

Distract Yourself: Your brain will come up with possible solutions when you leave it alone for a while. Take a break and listen to a few minutes of your favorite podcast.
Journal: Stop and write down what triggered the overthink. After a week, read what you wrote. Do you see any patterns? Make a plan to deactivate the trigger the next time it happens.
The Practical Test: When you are spiraling, ask yourself, “What evidence are these thoughts based on? Is it legitimate? Is there someone I trust that I can ask?” If your thoughts are illogical, unreasonable or impractical, they are overthink.
Change Your Environment: Enlist your endorphins in the battle. Get outside and go for a run or walk the dog or ride your bike.
Worry Time: Schedule a recurring weekly appointment on your calendar for worrying and limit it to fifteen minutes. This accomplishes three things: you control when you allow the worried thoughts, you limit the time you allow yourself to worry, and by the time the appointment comes, you may no longer have anything to worry about. Begin your worry time with this question, “Can I do anything to change this situation in the next twenty-four hours?” If yes, then stop thinking and take action. If no, then put the thought on the agenda for the next scheduled worry appointment.

If you can’t stop ruminating on your own, it can damage your mental health. A trained therapist can give you exercises and accountability to pull yourself out of the overthinking doom loop. Learning how to flip your negative, repetitive thoughts into positive ones is a skill worth developing.

What do you do to pull yourself out of overthinking? Please share in the comments.

Sleep On It

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” is the hustler’s motto. There are at least a couple of movies and a couple of songs with that statement as the title. It implies that strong people don’t need sleep. In reality, getting adequate sleep not only makes us stronger, but also smarter, and not getting enough sleep can eventually kill you.

How Much is Enough?

A recent study by the CDC found that 41 million Americans in the workforce are sleep deprived. How many hours an adult needs varies by person; it can be anywhere between six and ten. When you don’t get enough, you accumulate a sleep debt that sooner or later your body will force you to pay. If you feel moody, are making more mistakes than usual, or falling asleep in meetings, then you aren’t getting enough. That lack of sleep can lead to poor decision-making, depression, and/or burnout. If you deny your brain the time it needs to recharge, then it will punish you with poor functioning, like trouble focusing on tasks, misunderstanding communication with your team, and difficulty controlling stress. These indicators can manifest in as few as three consecutive nights of sleeping six hours or less.

Why is it Important?

You need to be physically healthy to do your best work, and getting enough sleep is key to your physical health. Your body repairs its tissues, manufactures hormones to fight infections and viruses, and lowers your blood pressure while you sleep. Also during sleep, your brain constructs and reinforces neural pathways that help you remember things you’ve learned, which strengthens your ability to solve complex challenges at work.

Best Practices

Get on a schedule. Go to bed and wake up at the same times every day. Then, before bedtime:

Three hours: Finish eating, and drinking caffeine and/or alcohol
90 minutes: Finish vigorous exercise
60 minutes: Turn off the TV, cell phone, and laptop. Read a real book, listen to soothing music, or meditate instead
At bedtime: Eliminate light and noise and adjust the room temperature; cooler is more conducive to sleeping

Damage Control

After a sleepless night:

Try to begin your day with exercise, outside if possible. You could go for a run or ride your bike, but a brisk walk through nature while breathing in fresh morning air and listening to your favorite songs followed by gentle stretching will also put you in a good mindset to face the day.
Your body may try to rest at an inopportune time later in the day. If that happens, it’s more productive to take a 15-30 minute break to let your brain rest than to keep plowing through your to-do list.
Caffeine may get you through the morning, but the crash could have you zoning out during your afternoon Zooms. If you can’t grab a 15 minute nap, then take 10 minutes to either meditate or eat a healthy snack and chase it with a glass of water while watching an uplifting video; maybe this one. If you don’t have 10 minutes, then take one or two minutes to either stretch or take a few deep breaths.

Many of us have trouble sleeping since the advent of COVID-19. What are some things you do to get a good night’s sleep? Please share in the comments.