Relationships – Page 5 – mardihumphreys.com

Happy Endings

With Mother’s Day and Father’s Day coming up, you may be celebrating your parents over the next few weeks. Maybe you will get together and relive memories of their past as you grew up. Are you also thinking about their future and how it may impact yours?

Once your parents retire Social Security and Medicare will help with living expenses, but it’s likely they will outlive those funds. You need to know if they have savings and safeguards in place to protect the money they worked so hard for. Here are some things to consider.

Fraud

Since older adults have had more time on the planet to save up their money, they are logical targets for fraud and not just by strangers. When talking to your parents listen for stories of any new friends coming into their lives and how they spend time together. For example, when they go out to lunch, does your parent always pay the check? Here are some other things to watch for. Also talk about the latest cybersecurity scams. Criminals are employing the latest capabilities of AI to do scary things like enhance family emergency schemes.

Finances

Always a touchy subject, but the economy is perpetually uncertain. Everyone wants to ensure they have all the resources they need to live the rest of their lives the way they want to. Here are a few questions to ask.

Do they have savings (e.g., IRAs, pensions, etc.) in place?
Do they have outstanding debts?
Do they have the necessary documents (like these ) filed?
Not to be morbid, but have they thought about funeral arrangements? Do they want their remains to be buried or cremated? Are they organ donors? If they haven’t thought about it yet, encourage them to document their preferences so you can carry out their wishes after they are gone.

Fulfillment

Mostly, you want to know that if you die before they do they have a plan for living out the rest of their lives in safety and comfort. Here are some questions to ponder together.

Is the interior of the house okay? Accessories like grab bars in the shower, a chairlift for the stairs, and adequate lighting throughout the house will help prevent falls.
Do they have any chronic conditions? Are the names and contact information for their healthcare providers written down somewhere that you can access if necessary?
Do they have a community? Social engagement is important for mental and emotional health no matter how old you are. Do they volunteer with their church? Does their city have a senior center?
Do they feel safe driving? Are they open to public transportation, ride-sharing, or a nonprofit’s transportation program?
When they eventually need help aging in place, should you live together? If so, who is financially responsible for what expenses? How much physical help will they need before it’s beyond your capabilities? Should you get advice from an eldercare attorney to prepare yourselves for what the future may bring?
If they ultimately need an assisted living community, how do you find a trustworthy one? Here’s some information on where to begin.

The future and money are both emotional conversation topics. If you approach them with empathy, respect, and active listening, they will be more productive. Be aware this is not a one and done. You will revisit these issues as long as you are blessed to still be on the same planet as your parents.

What resources do you recommend for aging in place? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Let Me Down

I had to take a class in small group communication in college. It was there that I learned one of my all-time favorite jokes: I want the members of my small group to be the pall bearers at my funeral so they can let me down one last time.

The absence of collaboration on a team makes you feel let down. One challenging element of collaboration is group goal setting. In this, Part Two of our Before and After series, let’s think about the traditional approach to setting work goals as Before, and how that approach can be improved as After. The Before approach is a systematic and disciplined process for success, but your team can waste a lot of energy using it. It typically goes like this:

Define the Objective – Identify what you want to achieve. The objective should be clear, specific, measurable, and aligned with the company’s overall business goals, vision, and mission.

Break it Down – Divide the objective into small steps to create projects. Assign projects to team members.

Prioritize – Determine the order in which the projects need to be done. For example, if Jane needs data from Joe’s project to complete hers, then Joe’s project is due first. Set deadlines, figure out what resources each team member needs to complete their project, and brainstorm possible obstacles to completing projects on time.

Track Progress – Schedule regular meetings to track the team’s progress towards meeting the objective. Identify who is falling behind and why. Adjust their resources to stay on track.

Evaluate – After achieving the objective, gather feedback from the team. What worked well? What didn’t? What do they wish they’d done differently? Put these notes in a folder in a shared drive as a reference for the next objective.

The traditional method dictates that you set a goal, reach it, then begin to identify another one. Sounds logical, right? But, in the quickly evolving world of work, Before methods of goal-setting are no longer working. This happens for several reasons, all having to do with a lack of something:

Flexibility – Traditional goal-setting methods often involve setting long-term goals and sticking to them, but that ignores the pace at which the work environment moves.

Employee Input – In the world of Before, your manager hands an objective to the team leader who doles out assignments. Lack of employee input produces both a lack of buy-in and a lack of motivation to achieve the objective. Employees are more engaged and motivated when we understand the broader purpose and meaning behind our work.

Learning – Traditional goal-setting methods tend to focus solely on achieving specific outcomes and not on the value of experimentation. In today’s knowledge-based economy, failing fast supports figuring out the best ways not to do something. These learnings are evergreen and the processes of elimination can be applied to achieving future goals.

The changing nature of both work and the workforce means that Before goal-setting methods may be ineffective in achieving your objectives. Instead, organizations should consider adopting the After approach. It relies on flexibility and employee-driven input to goal setting. This prioritizes learning, development, purpose, and adaptability.

How can you integrate the After approach to goal setting into your workforce retention plan?

Risky Business

Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels

Back in October, we talked about how employers need to iterate their employee retention strategies to adapt to the new, non-traditional, workforce if they want to stay in business. One current retention and recruitment strategy is encouraging employees to bring their whole selves to work. October’s discussion ended with the acknowledgement that for some demographics authenticity at work is not always a wise choice. For example, people of color, other-abled, LGBTQIA+, older, and immigrant workers, to name few.

In this survey 64% of employees said they felt pressured to conform to certain expectations and standards dominating their workplace culture. For example, some hid their political views and information about their families in order to fit in the organization. If you agree with the 64%, then your choices are leaving your authentic self at home, try changing the culture from within, or find another job. What’s the right choice for you?

Be Assimilated

If quitting is a luxury you can’t afford, then remind yourself that your job serves a purpose. It pays your bills which gives you options in other areas of your life. It is okay for now. You do not have to retire from this job. If bringing your whole self to work does not align with your organization’s norms, then you must assimilate. For instance, if your company has a strict dress code, then your tattoos or hair may not conform to the culture and you must obey their rules. This conformity is exhausting and can negatively impact your productivity, so carefully monitor your job performance. For example, regularly update your “Atta Baby!” file.

Become a Change Agent

Bringing your whole self to work means being open and authentic about who you are, your values, beliefs, and experiences. If you are in a minority group, (like those mentioned earlier), then you are in a position to enhance your organization’s DEIB initiatives. Be aware that participation may involve communicating painful memories forcing you to relive them. Not only is this work, it is usually unpaid work. If you choose to help change your company’s culture, then please prioritize your mental health. For example, enlist an ally to help you set boundaries on how authentic to actually be.

Beware

Every organization has its own culture. If you get another job, that culture may not fit either. If you decide to find new employment, then look for key phrases in the job description to determine whether or not that organization champions authenticity. For example, phrases like value alignment, access to reliable transportation, and ability to complete tasks with or without reasonable accommodations, signal that you may have found a company with a culture where you could be your authentic self. Keywords like young and energetic, strong English-language skills, and compassionate nature warn you to keep looking.

It’s in a company’s best interest to create an environment where all employees feel safe and empowered to bring their whole selves to work. Authenticity fosters productivity, improves employer-employee relationships, and inspires collaboration. More authentic collaboration leads to more ideas. More ideas lead to more innovation. More innovation leads to more products/services. More products/services lead to more growth.

How do you encourage authentic diversity in your workplace? Please share in the comments.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

You started out as friends. He came to rely on you more and more and you were happy to support him. You shared private jokes. You made him look good in front of others. You knew what he needed before he did. Now, he takes you for granted. What began as a sweet relationship has turned sour. You want a divorce. I’m not talking about your life’s partner. I’m talking about your work spouse.

Breaking up with a work spouse is neither an easy nor a quick decision. Maybe you were hired because you were friends. Seventy percent of Americans found their current job through their networks. This makes changing your relationship even more difficult. Here are five things you can do to handle the situation with both empathy and respect.

Be Honest and Grateful

Schedule a private meeting with your work spouse. Honestly and kindly communicate your feelings. Be clear and straightforward about your decision. Thank them for the positive impact they had on your professional life and assure them you will continue to support future collaboration. If you need some inspiration, then read the story of how Dolly Parton broke up with her work spouse, Porter Wagoner.

Set Boundaries

After breaking the news, set clear boundaries and expectations for moving forward. You are trying to prevent as much awkwardness and as many misunderstandings as possible. If your former work spouse decides to lash out and go low, then you need to go high. For example, if they start overly criticizing your ideas in weekly team meetings, then come to those meetings prepared to defend your ideas.

Prepare for Professionalism

Think about how you will control your reactions when you see your former work spouse every day. Keep any negative feelings to yourself and commit to remaining publicly amicable. This should help minimize the negative impact of your breakup on your coworkers. They will feel the new friction between the two of you even if you avoid talking about it and they will have questions. Can you and your work ex-spouse agree to deliver the same elevator speech to those inquiring minds? It’s essential to both your careers to maintain a professional attitude. For example, you still have to effectively collaborate on projects every day, but maybe you communicate more through email than face-to-face.

Allow Time for Adjustment

Give your work ex-spouse some space and time to adjust to the new normal. It’s natural to feel disappointed when a close professional relationship ends. Be patient and allow them to process their emotions at their own pace. Meanwhile, you need to adjust to your new single status. Your former work spouse had input into your projects and now they won’t. For example, if you always ran your monthly report by them before submitting it to your manager, now you need a new proofreader.

Make New Friends

Connect with other people on your project team. Grab coffee with someone this week and lunch with someone else next week. Creating stronger relationships will help you get to know, like, and trust each other. Since business moves at the speed of trust, investing in key relationships helps your team work both faster and more efficiently.

What do you do when you need to set new boundaries around a work relationship? Please share in the comments.

The Eye of the Beholder

Photo by Elizaveta Dushechkina from Pexels

I frequently hear various versions of this story from my networks: “Operations told me they assigned a different analyst to our project team because they think we will get along better. I thought we got along just fine, but apparently I offended the last one. I have no idea what I did.” Honestly, efficiently, and politely asking for what you need from coworkers is tricky. The key is authenticity.

Authenticity in the workplace requires consistent and transparent communication, positive nonverbal cues, building trust, and seeking feedback. Here are five examples of what both authenticity and inauthenticity look like at work.

Consistency

You are perceived as authentic when you consistently behave in a way that matches your stated values and beliefs. For example, let’s say you are a project manager who preaches the importance of teamwork. When you are praised for the successful completion of a project, you habitually respond by insisting it was a team effort and list your team’s contributions. On the other hand, if you frequently take credit for your team’s work, then that inconsistency makes you inauthentic.

Transparency

When you communicate honestly and directly, you are often viewed as more authentic than someone who evades tough conversations. For example, if you claim to be a DEIB advocate, then you have a conversation with a colleague who keeps asking you to recruit employees with more diverse life experiences to your department. Open and transparent communication helps you to be perceived as authentic. On the other hand, if you keep avoiding a dialogue with that colleague, then you may be perceived as inauthentic.

Nonverbal Cues

Eye contact, tone of voice, and body language influence your perceived authenticity. For example, if you display positive nonverbal cues in meetings like looking the speaker in the eye, opening your body stance, and taking notes, then you seem authentic. On the other hand, if you look at your phone more than the speaker, cross your arms and legs, or interrupt their report, then you appear inauthentic.

Trust

This may be the most critical component of authenticity. People have to both know and like you before they learn to trust you. It takes time to prove your reliability and credibility. For example, if you routinely complete assignments by their deadlines, then you are perceived as authentic. On the other hand, if you routinely fail to meet deadlines, then your unreliability makes you seem inauthentic.

Feedback

Feedback is a useful tool for gauging your perceived authenticity. For example, at the end of your next 1:1, tell your manager you are working on being authentic. Say that you’d like to send them an email with three questions regarding their perception of your authenticity. Ask if you can discuss their answers at your next 1:1. Part of a manager’s job is to encourage their direct reports to continuously improve. On the other hand, if you do not ask your manager for specific feedback on how you are perceived, then you may never know. We concentrate on getting work done and not on honing the tools, like authenticity, that make getting work done easier.

Sometimes coworkers have legitimate reasons for their behavior or communication style. For example, maybe your relationship has changed. More on that next week in part two of this series.

How do you demonstrate authenticity at work? Please share in the comments.

Best Stressed

In my role of serving the local IT community, I get to eavesdrop on many conversations. A recurring theme is the challenge of recruitment and retention, as you may imagine. The recent mass layoffs at big tech companies have caused stress waves that are crashing over both employees and employers.

Stress Has Many Flavors

There are different kinds of stress. For example, there are hindrances. These are things you cannot control, like a pandemic. Hindrances cause bad stress. There are also challenges. These are things you can rise to meet with effort, like learning a new skill. Hindrances demotivate while challenges boost motivation. Hindrances make you feel like you can’t get over them no matter how hard you work. Challenges make you feel accomplished when you meet them.

Help Instead of Hinder

In their book, Designing Your Work Life, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans say that humans have intrinsic, psychological needs: autonomy, relatedness, and competence (ARC). As an employer, if you can meet these needs for your employees, then you will have an easier time attracting and retaining talent.

Autonomy – This is controlling your own life. Employees want to feel like they have the freedom and trust to do their jobs the way they think they should be done. For example, let’s say you’re a manager at a home decor store. You have an employee who has ideas for how the store should be styled. Could you assign them to merchandise an end cap and a display table at the front of the store for one month? If the items on those displays keep getting sold, then you could assign them a whole section next month.

Relatedness – This is connecting to a community. Employees want a squad to belong to. This survey found nearly 57% of their respondents said they enjoyed work more because they made a friend there. For example, let’s say you’re a manager in charge of a fundraiser. You have to bring employees from different departments together to plan the event. If you facilitate a getting-to-know-you conversation at your kick-off meeting, then the diverse group can begin to develop empathy, camaraderie, and buy in for the mission. This not only makes collaboration between teammates possible, it may also start better collaboration between the various departments represented even after the fundraiser is over.

Competence – This is being good at what you do. Employees with a growth mindset look for ways to do more of what they like at work. For example, let’s say you’re the manager of a software development company. You have an employee who is really good at explaining one of your products to small groups of onboarding sales people. You’d like her to develop her onboarding talk into a presentation that she could deliver at an upcoming industry conference, but, she gets stage fright. If you record her next product demonstration, then you’re helping her take the next step in public speaking and you have a video that you can show during your conference presentation.

Motivating employees is a challenge as old as the organized workforce. As an employer, you cannot eliminate stress for every employee. The goal is to give them more good stress than bad stress in their jobs.

What are some ways your manager gives you good stress? Please share in the comments.

Love Local

This Valentine’s Day the news about Mikesell’s is a heart-breaking reminder to support your local small businesses. If an organization that has operated for over 110 years can close, then every local business is in danger. Here are three reasons why you should spend your hard-earned money locally.

Your Money Stays Here

In 2019, 47.3 percent of employees in the United States worked for small businesses. It’s likely you know someone who works for one: your next-door neighbor the landscaper, your nephew the HVAC apprentice, your friend the bookkeeper. By using their services, you keep your money in your community. You have much more influence locally than you have globally. Big box stores often get tax breaks from local governments that local small businesses do not receive. When you vote with your wallet by choosing to purchase local over big box stores, it is a statement of your values. Small businesses competing with one another prompts innovation and lower prices. This is why I like to frequent several local coffeeshops. (Okay, it is ONE of the reasons I spend so much money in local coffeeshops.) The sales tax from small businesses stays in your community. This money goes to pay for things like public schools, fire departments, and libraries. Local small businesses tend to transact with other local small businesses keeping even more money flowing through your local economy.

You Help People Make a Living

Sure, you can pick up Chipotle for lunch, but what about that Mom and Pop Mexican food restaurant down the street? Chipotle is not going anywhere, but every day Mom and Pop are struggling to stay in business. Some small businesses sell products that are locally made. The closer the product is to the place where it is sold, the less transportation it takes to get it there. This reduces the amount of fuel needed and saves the seller money. It also reduces the amount of emissions in the air making the environment more safe for everyone. Buying local allows more of your neighbors to make a living. That Mom and Pop Mexican food restaurant hires local residents as managers, servers, cooks, etc. Does your city have a farmer’s market? The space, products, and artisans are all local. Local small businesses positively impact your local economy in multiple ways throughout your community.

You Create Community

The more invested you are in a community, the more concerned you are about all of its citizens. Their welfare and future are tied to yours. Local small businesses are famous for supporting nonprofits. According to businessjournaldaily.com, small businesses donate 250% more than large businesses to community causes. Small local businesses sponsor kids’ sports clubs, food banks, and job-seekers programs. It’s likely that you can name several local small businesses that support the same nonprofits you do.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect occasion to show some love to your local small businesses. What are some of your favorites? Please give them a shoutout in the comments.

Be Ready for a Call to Action

This article marks five years of writing, “Is It Worth Your T.E.A.M.?” It began as a call to action (CTA). I needed somewhere to store the advice I wanted to give my daughter but she did not want to receive. Yet. One year ago, LinkedIn offered to turn future articles into a newsletter. That was also a CTA. People in my networks began subscribing and presenting their challenges, another CTA. We are surrounded by them every day. Some CTAs are expected; for instance, hunger. You can put off eating until it’s convenient, but eventually you have to feed your body or die. They can also be unexpected. For example, in 2022, over 120,000 tech workers were laid off. Losing your job is a CTA. With the world of work constantly in flux, you are wise to always (and I don’t use that word lightly) be ready for a CTA when it comes to your job. But how?

Upskill

If you like your job, congratulations! Many of those 120,000 tech workers liked their jobs too and had no intention of leaving. Think of continuous learning as a survival skill as well as a CTA. If you like your industry, be sure to keep up on the latest trends. To illustrate, if you are a tax advisor right about now you are studying all the rules around preparing 2022 tax returns. With these skills if you unexpectedly lose your job, then you can easily market yourself to another employer or go into business for yourself. Not sure what the trends are in your industry? You can gain both insight and new skills if you have a Dayton Metro Library card. They offer free access to LinkedIn Learning.

If you don’t like your job, you are in the majority. According to Gallup, in 2022, only 21% of global workers were actively engaged with their jobs. Your CTA may be to look at job descriptions for positions you want and obtain the skills, experience, and/or certifications you need to get hired. Let’s say there is an opening at a company you’d like to work for and this company is known for philanthropy. Grab two or three friends and volunteer at their favorite non-profit organization. Mention the experience in your cover letter and prepare a story to tell about it for your interview.

Network

Meet people who work at companies you want to work for.

What networking events do they attend?
Can you connect with them on LinkedIn?
What non-profit boards do they serve on?
Can you get an informational interview with someone who works there?
Do they belong to a trade association they would enjoy telling you about?

Even if companies you want to work for don’t notice you, you will inevitably discover other organizations where you’d like to work that you didn’t know existed before these efforts and now they have a CTA to get to know you.

If you have a call to action that you are wrestling with, feel free to join the discussion I’m facilitating for Women in Christian Leadership’s virtual Coffee and Conversation on Friday, January 6. Register here.

What call to action are you struggling with as we enter 2023? Please share in the comments.

The Most Expensive Gift You Can Give

Are you panicking because you have yet to come up with a gift for your hard-to-buy-for person that won’t bust your budget? Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all stressed out people. Here are 25 gift ideas that cost more time than money.

Bake cookies – It’s not about the cookies. It’s about spending time together. If you don’t want to make the cookies, then clean up the kitchen afterward. If you don’t want to eat the cookies, drop them off at your local police station, firehouse, or emergency department in appreciation to your first responders
Free labor – Does someone need help painting their living room? Moving to a new residence? Rearranging furniture? Print a gift certificate offering help
Christmas movie marathon – Choose your favorites and watch together. Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Cooking class – If someone loves to eat a certain meal of yours, take all the ingredients to their kitchen and teach them how to make it
Parades and football all day – Take turns explaining why you think these activities happen on a holiday
Video game tournament – Teach someone how to play your favorite or learn how to play theirs
Love notes – For those whose love language is words of affirmation, write them a paragraph explaining what you love about them
Skill share – You are proficient in Excel, but can’t trim your dog’s toenails. Your brother needs an Excel primer and can trim doggy toenails. Trade tutorials
Brand refresh – Audit their website, proofread their resume, tell them what you like about their LinkedIn profile and what could be improved
Go for a walk/hike – If the weather does not currently permit, issue them an IOU
Holiday lights – Map out a route, take along some hot chocolate and maybe the dog, and drive through local light displays
Volunteer together – Your church and local food bank always need help
Online yoga class – Turn on YouTube and search for “twenty-minute yoga for beginners”
Scavenger hunt – Think Easter egg hunt but with candy canes
Video tribute – Are you good with iMovie or a similar platform? String together some of their favorite photos and set them to music
Playlists – On the music-streaming platform of your choice
Museum visit plan – Some museums are free and some are free on certain days. Spend some time brainstorming where you’d like to go and when
Start learning a language together – set up a schedule to practice with one another
Sit – Create a gift certificate for a few hours of baby, pet, or house-sitting
Photographer – Intentionally document this year’s celebration and send the photos to everyone
Pre-celebration service – Help the host clean house before guests arrive. Or, take their car for a wash and vacuum before their holiday trip
Outdoor service – Create a gift certificate for shoveling the snow off their driveway and sidewalk after the next accumulation
Something to look forward to – Schedule a future 1:1. Coffee date? Church date? Ice Cream date?
Storage – Offer to scan their printed photos and save them on a USB
Give it away – Create a gift certificate to help clean out their closets. After the purge, take the donations to a Goodwill or Salvation Army store and bring back a receipt for their tax purposes

The most expensive gift you can give is your time. You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. Please spend yours wisely. Thank you for the time you spent reading this article. Happy Holidays!

Over and Over and Over Again

Everyone likes to contemplate their navels on occasion. It becomes a problem when minutes turn into hours and you have nothing but belly-button lint to show for it. We have plenty of things to worry about, so let’s limit this conversation to the workplace. What is the difference between overthinking, worrying, and ruminating?

Overthinking

Overthinking is repeatedly examining a current stressful situation. For example, you’re working on a series of deliverables for your manager. He calls you into his office and asks you to explain why you are spending so much time on those projects instead of these other urgent tasks. You’re stunned and the conversation goes badly. Now you can’t get any work done because that interaction is all you can think about. “How did that happen? How did I get this far off target? Now what?” At your first opportunity, take a break and find a quiet place. Write down your thoughts. Then develop questions to ask your manager at your next meeting. If you do not regularly have 1:1 meetings, now is the time to request them. Phrase your questions in non-confrontational language. For example, “I’d like to send you an email first thing every Monday morning to find out what the top three projects are that you’d like me to work on for the week. Is that okay?” Taking action will help you stop overthinking.

Worrying

Worry is pondering threats to your future. This can be useful, but until you can actually predict the future, it will quickly drive you crazy. Taking the above example a step further, let’s say that the follow-up 1:1 with your manager can’t happen for a week. This gives you way too much time to think about how this second conversation could go even more sideways than the first. Instead of thinking about the worst that can happen, visualize the best that can happen. Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. You can only control the part you play in it. See yourself brainstorming with your manager. What ways to resolve the problem are you presenting? Relationships can be strengthened by working through conflict together. At the very least, your emotional intelligence will get a workout.

Ruminating

Ruminating is brooding over the past. Taking the above example even further, let’s say that you choose not to visualize the best that can happen at the next meeting with your manager. Instead, you get stuck replaying the original conversation in your mind. You’re dwelling on something you cannot change. Every time you think about that conversation, you feel the negative emotions that you felt then. When you fall short of someone’s expectations, it’s wise to review what led to the negative result because it can help you develop triggers to prevent it from happening again. However, mulling over something you cannot change can lead to self contempt. This not only can erode your confidence and encourage you to habitually berate yourself, but if you keep going down that path it can also lead to depression. If that is your situation, then please take advantage of any mental health benefits your company offers. If your organization does not offer mental health benefits, then take a look here.

What do you do to stop worrying about work? Please share in the comments.