Communication – Page 9 – mardihumphreys.com

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

It’s Memorial Day weekend; the official start of summer recreation. School lets out, community pools open, and outdoor concerts shift into high gear. Does anyone else feel weird about kicking off summer fun with a holiday based on mourning the military personnel who died while serving in the United States armed forces? No? Just me? Okay. The sacrifices they made secured the freedom we enjoy. We pause, remember, and are grateful.

Speaking of weird, how is your adjustment to working in person going? We endeavor to discuss the evolution of work in dispassionate, detached, and practically Vulcan tones, but under the calm exteriors, all the feels are brewing.

Employees want more freedom over where and when work gets done. Employers are afraid to give up that much control. Changes like a four-day work week, WFH options, and bringing your dog to work are just the beginning. They lead to other debates like, What about unlimited PTO? How about healthcare insurance coverage from day one? Will the company offer stock options?

The attention both employers and employees have to pay to these emotionally charged topics is exhausting on top of the work that needs to get done. Often, when you’re weary, emotions, especially the negative ones, lead the conversations instead of interpret them. Under what circumstances is it okay to express strong emotions at work?

Emotions are contagious and can escalate an exchange into an argument. In the absence of communication, negative emotions are even more dangerous because where information is absent, your brain fills in the blanks.

For example, if your manager keeps putting off approving a time-sensitive decision, you don’t know why they aren’t giving you an answer. You can assume they are thoughtfully processing the possible implications of their decision. It’s more likely you’re going to assume they’re putting you off because they forgot about you or don’t respect you. These negative thoughts produce negative emotions that fabricate a story you believe is the truth. Then, you may get angry and make a decision without your manager’s sign-off. You tell yourself you will ask for forgiveness if it turns out they don’t approve.

But, what happens when you discover the story you told yourself is false? Now you’ve damaged the trust between you and your manager. How do you recover from that? What do you learn from it? How do you fix it? What triggers do you put in place to prevent it from happening again? (Recommended reading: Rising Strong, by Brene Brown)

During this transition from the way work was done to the way it will be done, it’s crucial that you manage your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. You must pay attention to what you give your attention to. Be an active listener. Summarize and repeat back what you think you heard. Presume everyone is on the same team and working toward what is best both for the organization and for each other.

When was the last time you had to stop your brain from filling in a communication gap at work? Please share in the comments.

Nature vs Nurture

“The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.”
Charles Kettering

Recruiting and retaining talent has been a challenge ever since prehistoric tribal chiefs realized that they had enough gatherers and began persuading some of them to try hunting. As the years passed, population growth allowed employers more choices. When they needed more workers some employers, like the prehistoric tribal chief, saw who currently worked for them and upskilled them to accomplish the new goal. This changed the company’s working environment. Other employers reached out and found people who already had the necessary skill and hired them. Employers’ expectations not only dictated who did the work, but also what, where, when, and how the work got done.

Priority Shift

Since the information age began in the 1970s, the evolution of work and the workforce needed to do it, have incrementally shifted the power of negotiating the terms of employment away from the employer and toward the employee. COVID-19 ushered in the Great Rs (Retirement, Resignation, Reckoning, Reshuffle) spotlighting the fact that employees feel like they are done with living to work and instead want to work to live. They want to integrate work into their lives, but not necessarily make their job their top priority. Yet plenty of organizational leaders are resisting this change. They insist on maintaining a traditional, pre-pandemic business environment while simultaneously trying to both retain current employees and attract new ones. You can spot some of these companies by their reactions to the workforce shortage. For example, their attempts at luring talent include hour wage hikes and signing bonuses. This practice is not only unsustainable, but also unattractive to potential employees and resented by current ones.

Share and Share Alike

Wise leadership will retain and recruit employees by cultivating a more transparent and inclusive work environment. COVID revealed that traditional hierarchical leadership is a lot less valuable now. Business runs at the speed of trust. A company managed by leadership that keeps both data and opportunities to themselves, instead of being open about employee pay metrics and career growth, won’t stay in business very long. These are the organizations who continue to believe in the myth of the messianic figure with a Midas touch that will fix everything. They continue to ignore the tendency of this type of leader to be a fixed-mindset dictator. Employees used to work for this type of leader because they were afraid of losing their jobs, but now, not so much. The companies run by servant leaders who both hire talent with strong soft skills and create a culture of growth by implementing diverse ideas, building a strong foundation of trust, and sharing credit for success, are the companies that will successfully retain and recruit talent during the next Great R.

This evolution was happening pre-pandemic, but progress is like turning the Titanic around. Those in power naturally want to maintain the pre-pandemic status quo, but there’s no going back to what was considered normal. Smart employers will figure out whether or not they want to stay in business and what changes they are willing to make to do so.

What changes would you like to see regarding the way work gets done? Please share in the comments.

Time for a Change

Given my fascination with the Great Resignation and all its iterations, it was only a matter of time (or, in my case T.E.A.M.) before I participated in it. I dove into the Great Reshuffle when I recently accepted a new position. As a former Change Agent, you’d assume that I’m prepared for the adjustments necessary to negotiate the transition to a new job. Well, you know what assuming does. (If not, DM me.) The phrase I used to calmly repeat to clients, I now have to incessantly repeat to myself, “Change is hard; even when the change is good, it’s still hard.” If you’ve ever changed roles, moved to a new team, or joined a new organization, you feel me. Here are three things I’m still learning about change.

Failure is Data

You’re going to make mistakes and mistakes do not equal failure. The only time failure happens is when you quit trying. Mistakes provide valuable information for improving your processes. They reveal where you need to set triggers so that you will avoid making the same mistake twice. You can use mistakes to both increase the speed at which you learn new procedures and decrease your learning curve.

Slow Your Roll

I often preach at you to stop and think. You should also stop and feel. What are your emotions telling you? Is joy cheerleading? “Wow! I can’t believe I’m on this team!” Or is fear whispering? “Wow. I can’t believe I’m on this team.” The first feeling reinforces your decision to change as a positive move. The second feeling should prompt you to take a five-minute break and, while drinking a bottle of water, ask yourself the five whys. For example:

Why does being assigned to this team make me feel nervous? Because everyone else on this team is a rockstar.
Why are they considered rockstars? Because they get highly visible projects.
Why do they get highly visible projects? Because they all crush their KPIs every month.
Why do you think that is? Because they do more outreach than anyone else.
Why don’t you ask one of them for advice on effective methods of outreach?

Build Bridges

Walt Disney was right. It really is a small world. It’s likely that you’ll encounter former coworkers in the future, especially if you still work in the same industry and/or the same small city, so it’s wise to only speak positively about them. You may have health coverage and/or a retirement plan with your former company that requires Human Resources’ help to tie up those loose ends, so be polite and responsive when they ask for your input. Write a thank-you note for all of the opportunities your former employer gave you and publish it on your social media. Your LinkedIn newsfeed usually has plenty of examples you can follow.

Remember that your participation in the Great Reshuffle affects others. Whether you have a partner, a parent, or a pet, everyone in your circle of influence is impacted by your change. If you will intentionally be kind, repeat how new processes will work, and get some rest, then both you and your loved ones will adjust faster.

Have you participated in the Great Reshuffle? What changes have you made? Please share in the comments.

Child-free by Choice

WARNINGS: In honor of Mother’s Day, this is a woman-centric conversation. Also, I have a lot of questions.

Why do people assume that women have a responsibility to reproduce? Men get questioned, but do they get shamed for not having children? Parenthood is a social convention not a natural condition. Raising children in America is arduous and, if you participate in the workforce, it’s difficult to be both a mother and an employee.

The Way It Is

From birth, society bombards females with the message that job, marriage, and kids are what make you successful and therefore, happy. Women who intentionally choose a child-free lifestyle inevitably deal with periods of powerful anxiety and self-doubt regarding their decision because culture warns women that they will eventually regret not becoming a mother. Those who choose not to have children get labeled selfish, self-absorbed, and shallow. They are accused of hating children, but child-free represents a lifestyle choice not animosity. For example, Betty White supported St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, Dolly Parton founded Dolly’s Imagination Library, and Oprah Winfrey built The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.

Let’s Be Honest

Parenting is really hard – The United States does not have a national paid parental-leave program, childcare is expensive and hard to find, and mothers are expected to assume the bulk of the responsibility for raising children. The pandemic threw a spotlight on these barriers to mothers’ participation in the workforce challenging women to seriously reconsider what responsibilities they can realistically manage.

Motherhood does not make you content – Women are increasingly defying societal conventions en masse and thinking about their “why” in terms of motherhood. Research shows that in the 1970s one out of 10 women reached menopause without giving birth. In 2010, the rate was one out of five.

The biological clock is a myth – Not every woman has an innate desire to reproduce, but if your friends are having babies, you may feel left out. Ask yourself, “Do I really want to be a mother? Or do I just want to want to be a mother?”

The Decision

There are plenty of reasons for remaining child-free:

You are a complete human without the experience of motherhood
You do not have adequate support and/or resources
You have trouble taking care of yourself
You’re considering motherhood because others expect it from you
270 more

If you like your life the way it is (you travel, value freedom and spontaneity, need lots of alone time), then it is better to not have kids and regret it later than to have kids and regret it later.

If you are a woman living in America and considering motherhood, take a listen to the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Episode 6 OVERWHELM especially the beginning of the Hard Questions segment starting at 31:03. This is an honest conversation around what is considered normal regarding “the gig” of motherhood as it currently exists in American society.

What do you think of the state of motherhood in America? Please share in the comments.

Join the Resistance

When you give something your attention, you’re letting it rule your life for however long you think about it. This can be good, like visualizing what you want your slide deck to look like for next week’s presentation, or bad, like reliving last week’s argument with your supervisor. When it comes to deciding the best use of your time, energy, attention, and money, what you say no to is just as important as what you say yes to.

Attention Management

Attempts to increase productivity trace at least as far back as 1890 when William James wrote The Principles of Psychology. One of his statements is profound in its prophecy. He said, “My experience is what I agree to attend to.” Managing your attention is key to maintaining your priorities. Sounds easy, right? Then what’s stopping you from achieving your goals?

I can resist anything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

The brainpower necessary to make wise choices is exhausting. Should you eat the doughnut or the apple? Should you watch TikTok or go for a run? Should you proofread your report or text your friend? When you concentrate on trying not to do something, it captures your attention. You’re more likely to give in to the temptation and do the very thing that you’re trying to resist. Instead, distract yourself. Also, limit your proximity to the temptation. For example, if you want to resist the doughnut and eat the apple instead, then hide the doughnut and put the apple at your workstation. Go for a walk around the block before eating anything.

Recognize the Real Enemy

Setting boundaries is easy. Holding them is difficult. Attention is like a muscle. You have to build it. You strengthen and lengthen your attention span every time you identify who, what, when, where, why, and how you got distracted from your goal. Then, change one or more of those variables to produce your desired result. For example, I’m a process improver. I analyze undesired results and reverse engineer them to identify where the outcome began to veer off course. Then, I imagine different choices to envision how they each may produce more desirable results. In terms of self-control, this could look like:

Undesired Result – Your deliverable was late
Veered off course – You missed one deadline
Analyze –
- Were other projects with similar deadlines competing for your attention?
- Was the deadline not communicated?
- Was the deadline communicated but you forgot to calendar it?
- Were you waiting for someone to get back to you with key information?
- Were you interrupted by an emergency?
- Were you distracted by social media?

The answers will dictate the next iteration of the deliverable process. For example, if you missed the deadline because you couldn’t resist the temptation to scroll through social media for hours everyday, then locking your phone in a drawer until break times will be added to the process because it will help you control your technology, behavior, thoughts, and environment. All these are factors that can distract you from reaching your goal.

How do you manage your attention? Please share in the comments.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

While researching for last week’s article, I came across Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “Letter from Birmingham Jail.” How have I gone my whole life, including college English and history classes, and not known about this?! I fixed that oversight in my education. The 20-page letter is an eloquent expression of indignation and disappointment. How demoralized King must have been every time he banged his head against the brick walls of racism. His determination to wield his disappointment as a catalyst for change is a master class in rhetoric. His example can inspire our behavior at work.

Open Your Mind

When you are disappointed because you didn’t get the reaction you wanted, pause long enough to let the emotion finish its cycle. Then, analyze the situation with as much objectivity as you can muster. With that particular door closed, what window just opened? For example, if you were rejected for a promotion, then you need to consider your role in the organization through the selection committee’s eyes:

Did you work really hard at projects they consider housekeeping?
Did the person who received the promotion spotlight themselves more than you did?
Is the promotion political instead of based on merit?

The answers to these questions plant another decision tree:

Will the selection committee give you feedback regarding why you weren’t promoted?
Are you willing to do what it takes to get promoted?
Do you want to remain an employee of this company?

When eight fellow clergymen publicly criticized King for his Birmingham Campaign, he chose to use his time in jail to write a treatise that still speaks to us today. Even though his body was incarcerated, his mind was free.

Practice Emotional Intelligence

When you are disappointed because your expectations are not aligned with your coworkers, communicate.You are probably not alone in your disappointment. You can state in a meeting or an email what you perceive, then ask for clarity. For example, Does everyone on your team know what their role in a project is? Do they know what each other’s roles are? Does everyone know which project has priority and when it is due? Not all projects are equal. The client who supplies your organization with the most revenue will receive most of the team’s energy even if they are not the team’s favorite client. “Letter from Birmingham Jail” is King’s comprehensive effort to communicate with his fellow clergymen and align everyone’s expectations.

Level Up Your Goals

When you are disappointed because you failed to reach one of your S.M.A.R.T. goals, use the setback to refine and iterate your next one. For example, is the system you’re using to qualify leads not helping you meet your monthly quota? Analyze your process. Are all the elements sound? Did you not make quota three months in a row? Were any external circumstances negatively impacting your process? In his “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” King broke down his process of the non-violent campaign into four basic steps and gave examples of how he and his coworkers for justice moved through them.

How do you use disappointment to push yourself forward? Please share in the comments.

Isn’t It Romantic?

It’s not the most romantic topic to discuss for Valentine’s Day, but since close to three out of four American couples say that money is what they fight about most, let’s get to the bottom of the problem so that we can get back to the love.

Our Lips Are Sealed

No one talks about money. Do you know what your coworkers’ salaries are? Trends indicate that 2022 will be the year to normalize pay transparency. If you can get comfortable talking with your team about money, then it will be easier to discuss with your partner too. Fights about money aren’t really about the money. They are about how we feel about the money. We bring all kinds of beliefs about it to our relationships including what society taught us about it, how our family used it, and our past experiences with it. For example, if you’d rather save money than spend it, then the pain center in your brain activates when your partner makes a purchase that you consider expensive. You may feel like you work hard to earn your paycheck and it’s bad enough that taxes, insurance premiums, retirement savings, etc., come out of it before you even see a penny and now your partner is spending what’s left on whatever they want. The spender got joy out of the purchase, but is now frustrated by your judgement of their decision. Both of you are making up negative narratives about one another in your heads because neither one of you feels good talking about what just happened. Now MY head hurts.

Start Me Up

Talk about money. When you decide to share your partner’s financial responsibilities, you both have to be self-aware enough to know what your values, triggers, and goals are. Then you both have to be brave enough to calmly communicate them to your partner on a regular basis. The two of you are in this financial situation together and need to maintain a team mindset. Keep your first conversation basic. Talk about a budget. For example, at least discuss what you have to spend (bills), what you have to save (emergency fund), and what you want to spend (leisure). If the word budget has a negative connotation for either you, or your partner, or both, then rename it. Call it Spending Plan, or Our Money Goals, or whatever label reminds you both that this agreement is a tool to help you build your future together. Ahhh…now we’re back to the love.

Let’s Dance

I oversimplified the solution, and simple doesn’t mean easy. Achieving financial compatibility can be more complicated than learning the Viennese Waltz. I boiled it down to give you a launch pad. The very act of starting the money conversation will give both of you peace of mind. You can’t put a price tag on that.

Why do you think talking openly about money is taboo in our society? Please share in the comments.

You Can Talk To Me

You communicate so much you forget how complicated it is. The procedure is basic: receive information, process it, and respond. But the circumstances can be tricky. For example, communication can require:

A quick response (an emergency phone call)
Emotional control (face-to-face with an angry customer)
Tact (requesting clarification from your manager in reply to the vague instructions in their email)
Creating a secure environment (asking your teammates to turn their cameras on during the videoconference)
Warmth (posting on the company’s social media platforms)

You’re surrounded by obligations to communicate with managers, direct reports, teammates, departments, networking colleagues, customers, etc. You have to adapt your technique for each interaction, but common to all forms of workplace communication are: receiving, transmitting, and non-verbal.

Receiving

It’s counterintuitive, but good oral communication does not begin with speaking. It begins with active listening. During conversation when someone is speaking:

Give them your full attention by eliminating distractions (put your phone away)
Do not interrupt (listen to learn; not to respond)
Summarize what you heard and repeat it back (this prompts them to reciprocate when it’s your turn to speak)
Ask clarifying questions (“Would you please say more about why that metric is relevant?”)
Mirror their body language (but only if it is open. If it’s closed, (crossed arms and legs, furrowed brow) then open your body language and try to get them to mirror you)

Transmitting

Speaking – To successfully convey your message slow down your rate of speech, enunciate, and use as few words as possible. Avoid making your statements sound like questions. (Do: “Edit the third paragraph, please.” Don’t: “This needs edited, okay?”) Workplace communication is about collaborating, problem-solving, and receiving and delivering feedback. You are most effective when your words are positive and empathic. For example, “I know that you had a setback with our new client and I know you can also set things right with them.”

Writing – Most of your writing is probably email. Setting a pleasant tone (“I hope you had a good weekend”), composing a clear, concise message (“Our status update meeting is this Friday morning”), and closing with a clear call to action (“Please send me your report by COB Thursday”) are crucial to getting your desired result. People don’t actually read emails. They scan them. The more filler words your message contains, the more likely it is to be misinterpreted.

Nonverbal

When you consider nonverbal communication you probably think about tone of voice, eye contact, and hand gestures. But it can also be:

Work ethic (doing your job to the best of your ability)
Flexibility (you’re willing to occasionally adjust your schedule to meet a deadline)
Adaptability (you not only complete your own project but also pitch in and help where it’s needed)
Clothing and accessories (novel jewelry is a conversation starter)

Learning to communicate well is like learning to play a musical instrument or a sport. The more you practice, the better you get. What are you currently doing to improve your communication skills at work? Please share in the comments.

Off-balance

COVID-19 and its variants have allowed us to blur our boundaries between work and not work for the last 21 months. For whole industries The Great Resignation is fueled by the results. As 2022 approaches, society contemplates the future of work and how to make it sustainable for both employers and workforce. In the meantime, what if you tried integrating your job with your life instead of striving for work-life balance?

Isn’t Work a Part of Your Life?

Why are the two entities compartmentalized and put on a scale? When you assimilate what you do for a living into the rest of your life, it’s easier to bring your whole self to both. For example, if you work for a small business, maybe you have to handle accounting as well as on-boarding new hires. When you apply those pivoting skills to work and not-work responsibilities, you create flexible solutions for both. You may have to pioneer these types of innovations at your company. People are creatures of habit. How likely is it that your manager will offer to meet with you to brainstorm ways you can do your job outside of the office? Since you know how best to accomplish your projects, you have to demonstrate how your plan works best. For example, make sure your manager knows you are creating win-win situations for all the parties involved. Wasn’t the client impressed with your dedication to their account when you joined the videoconference from your car during your child’s basketball practice? You also have to monitor your boundaries. Remember that a task you do for your employer is work whether you are doing it in the office at 9:00AM or at your kitchen counter at 9:00PM. Communication (with management, teammates, clients), prioritizing (urgent vs. important), and organization (empowering others to help both at home and work) are key elements for successful work-life integration.

Declare Your Boundaries

To gain some control, try block scheduling. It may help you with the logistics of integration. These blocks can be however long you want. Maybe start with thirty minute blocks and increase up to an hour if you can manage it before taking a break and moving on to the next one. Obvious blocks can be your current work projects broken down into tasks and family medical appointments, but remember to schedule not-so-obvious blocks for exercise, self-care, and leisure. This also helps you see what activities you value and how much time you really need for them.

Change is Hard

Our relationship to work is changing. Employees have more leverage than ever right now. Workforce is waiting to see how governments will respond to the call for reformation of childcare, living wages, and paid time off policies. Employees are shaking up the business community with their insistence on flexibility like shorter work days/weeks, and hybrid work models. While we navigate this transition, do what you need to do to take care of yourself, especially your mental health. You can both do your best for your employer and yourself.

How did you integrate what you do for a living into your life in 2021? Please share in the comments.

Filling in the Gaps

I love to see people thriving in second act careers. There are plenty of reasons for someone to work beyond the age that the Social Security Administration dictates: The novelty of retirement has worn off. Your children have grown and flown. You served twenty years in the military. You can’t afford to retire. Traditionally, the older you got the less opportunity knocked. Enter COVID-19 ushering in the Great Resignation. Companies are now forced to get creative in hiring. If you are an elder job hunter (a forty-year-old employee is considered old in America, btw) now is the time to act. One way to differentiate yourself from other candidates is to offer your services as a mentern.

What’s a Mentern?

A mentern is an employee who simultaneously teaches and learns, combining the characteristics of a mentor and an intern. Usually over 50 years old with about 25 years of experience in the workforce, a mentern wants to teach skills, like emotional intelligence, while learning skills, like digital intelligence. For more information, the book Wisdom @ Work by Chip Conley is the story of the birth of a mentern, and the movie The Intern is an example of the concept in action.

Why Would Companies Want Them?

Technology disrupts every industry. It is a huge fault in logic to assume that digital natives (Millenials and Gen Z) have an indisputable advantage over their elders (Boomers and Gen X) when it comes to IT skills. Technology changes at a speed that can give you whiplash. New software comes online every day. Every employee has to learn, use, unlearn, rinse, and repeat with each upgrade. Menterns have years of experience refining and iterating processes based on experimentation and feedback. This knowledge can be transferred to a digital native open to learning from other people’s wisdom. When digital natives are promoted to managers, they are habitually promoted for their technical skills and not their people skills. They are left to fend for themselves to figure out how to coach a team. A mentern has years of practice communicating, problem-solving, collaborating, and leading. Pairing a mentern with a digital native can fill in the gaps of both. This is how sustainable companies are built.

How Do You Become One?

If you are a good leader, you already have an inclination to both learn and serve. If you are also humble and curious, then you have the makings of a successful mentern. Your goal is to share your wisdom, experience, and network with a coworker two generations younger than you while also listening and learning how to use the tools you need to successfully navigate emerging business processes. It’s work to reconcile these two seemingly contradictory skills, but the ability to do so is the secret to a successful menternship. As with most skills it becomes easier with practice.

Elders and digital natives both want the same things: opportunity, income, and flexibility. If each generation starts on their side of the gap and then starts building a bridge to cross it, imagine the resulting exponential growth in productivity. Interested in becoming a mentern? Here’s a website you should check out.

How would your company benefit from menterns? Please share your experience with the concept in the comments.