Relationships – Page 6 – mardihumphreys.com

Relax Like You Mean It

My husband and I recently returned from a vacation in the Great Smoky Mountains, Gatlinburg, TN. We couldn’t remember the last time we took a week off to travel alone together. Oh, we’ve staycationed and taken time off work to do home improvement projects, but for years our vacation time and budget was devoted to club volleyball tournaments. Since we didn’t intentionally prioritize getting away together, it’s been years since we’ve done it. Does this sound familiar? It should. According to Project:Time Off, 52% of American workers did not use all their paid vacation in 2017. Don’t you be one of them! Here is why you should take a vacation:

Vacation Increases Your Creativity: Travel forces you to be emotionally agile. Problems will happen. You will have to think instead of react, look at your options for solving the problem, and decide on a course of action. For example: A few years ago while in Las Vegas, my husband and I went to see Danny Gans, a comedian famous for never missing a show. Guess what? For the first time ever, he was too sick to perform. Now what do we do? We took to the Strip where we were treated to plenty of free entertainment: dancing fountains, sinking pirate ships, and people watching. When you travel to a location you have never been, eating what other people eat, listening to their music, seeing their art, it rewires your brain to think about problem solving differently.

Vacation Enriches Your Relationships: If you can travel with someone you like, you get to see them at their best and worst. It’s an adventure, but it’s also practical. The trip is cheaper because you split the cost of gas and hotel. You don’t pack as much because you share stuff: You pack the toothpaste, she packs the straight iron. You can encourage each other out of your comfort zones. Help each other try something new. Obviously there is safety in numbers, but you can also help each other stick to your budgets or remind each other you saved for this trip so splurge on that once-in-a-lifetime souvenir. You’ll both probably be interested in the same activities and want to move at the same pace. Traveling brings perspective to your relationship. Making memories together uniquely bonds you.

Vacation Makes You Better At Your Job: Do you avoid taking a vacation because you’re afraid of what will happen while you’re are away: projects with short deadlines piling up on your desk, coworkers resentment over covering for you, the team realizing they don’t need you? Is paid time off one of your job benefits? If you don’t take it, and it doesn’t roll over at the end of the year, it’s just gone. That means you’re working those hours for free. Do not underestimate the power of leisure. On vacation you’re not sitting at your desk stress eating while worrying about tomorrow’s client meeting. On vacation, you focus on slowing down and having fun. This leads to better sleep and maybe even weight loss. The study I site in my first paragraph says frequent travelers are 18% more likely to report getting a promotion in the last two years. Besides, how can your manager miss you if you won’t go away?

Vacation Gives You Something To Look Forward To: Oprah Winfrey said in her magazine, “I always give myself Sundays as a spiritual base of renewal —a day when I do absolutely nothing. I sit in my jammies or take a walk, and I allow myself time to BE —capital B-E— with myself. When I don’t, I absolutely become stressed, irritable, anxiety-prone, and not the person I want to be in the world.” Relaxation doesn’t just come. You have to plan for it. Take time off even if you don’t go anywhere. If paid time off is not one of your job benefits, and you can’t afford to take a whole week off or travel, put $10 aside every week until you’ve saved up a day or two’s pay and take that time off. You can use that time to: Learn a new skill to put on your resume, work on a side gig or personal project, get out of your comfort zone with a new experience, take a walk and contemplate your next five years, or start a new healthy habit.

Vacation Gets Better With Practice: If you have paid time off and this is new for you, start small: Take a staycation. Encourage your partner/family to participate. Then do what they plan and don’t complain. Resist trying to control everything and express gratitude, especially for the effort. During this staycation talk about bigger plans and brainstorm for your next longer trip. Then, look forward to it: Calendar it, start a budget, make a packing list, research the area, make sure you have the necessary clothes, car food, and books for it. Learn a bit of a new language if necessary. Start giving yourself affirmations now: Expect surprises both good and bad, plan to enjoy and make the most of good ones, and roll with the bad ones. You can spin them into stories to tell your friends. Prepare to document the vacation: To take lots of pictures, do stuff you’ve never done before, eat foods you’ve never eaten. Promise to collect or buy souvenirs and live in the moment: No work emails! It’s not too late to request time off for this year. Get out there and relax like you mean it!

Tell me about your vacation here:

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (and Breakfast and Lunch)?

My friend was very excited her daughter’s boyfriend’s apartment was finally move in ready after a month’s delay. He’d lived with her family for almost a year. He had a job, but did not pay rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Nor did he help around the house. My friend cooked his meals, did his laundry, washed his dishes, etc. He accompanied the family to the grocery, put items in the cart, and went to the car when they got to the cashier. She didn’t feel like she could impose consequences on him because of his relationship with her daughter. She said, “I know you would’ve sat down with the two of them before he moved in and talked about expectations. I wanted to, but we never found time. Now it’s too late.” Honestly, I don’t know whether I would’ve thought to do that or not. Pretty to think so (she gives me waaaaay too much credit). Do you have adult children who need a place to crash for a while? Maybe you have a recent college grad and his girlfriend, or a daughter and her partner moving back to town and unable to afford two mortgages. If you have adult children coming to live with you, maybe try a before, during, and after approach:

Before:
Have a family meeting over lunch or coffee and discuss arrangements:

Sharing – If they are not married, are they allowed to sleep together under your roof? Are you an early bird and they are night owls? If they blast the television volume at 1:00AM, is that going to disturb your R.E.M. sleep? Do you need a shower schedule so everyone gets to work on time?

Eating – Will you buy all the groceries? Plan all the meals? Fix three meals a day? If they drink a pound of Starbucks coffee you brew at home every week, are you paying for it?

Cleaning – Will you clean up after them in your common areas? Will you put the used dishes they left sitting on the living room table in the dishwasher? Are you doing their laundry?

Working – Do they have jobs? If not, are they looking for employment? Will they use your computer, printer, ink, paper, Wi-Fi, to search for employment? Will they use those resources for free? Do both of them have to get jobs before they can move out? How long will they stay: Three months, six months, a year, indefinitely?

Paying – Will they pay rent? Will they pay the electric bill? Will they buy groceries? This is tricky, but important to discuss. They need some skin in the game. They are using your power, water, appliances, maybe even your car. Your household expenses will go up and part of adulting is figuring out how to pay your expenses.

If you have house rules, now is the time announce them and define the consequences for broken rules. Acknowledge that mistakes are inevitable and will be forgiven. You can be a gracious host and have harmony in your home if you set boundaries and steel yourself to enforce them. Human nature being what it is, they will most likely test your boundaries. Stand your ground and demand respect. You do not want to make your home so comfortable for them that they never want to leave.

During:
Keep talking. What are their plans for leaving? How are the job searches going? Can they make dinner tomorrow night? Don’t do their laundry, dishes, taxes or anything else. Show them how to use the washer and dryer, dishwasher, stove, vacuum, coffeemaker, etc. Give them opportunities to contribute to the running of the house. Enforce consequences and be specific. For example: If you have to ask them to wash their dishes, set a time limit: “These dishes need washed, dried, and put away by the time I get up in the morning.” Is much clearer than, “Please clean up your dishes.” If this becomes a habit, there needs to be a consequence: “You can’t use our dishes anymore. Buy yourself some paper plates.”

After:
If they are still living with you after the deadline you set has passed, have another family meeting. Are they ready to go? Are they stalling? Do they need a Plan B? Was the deadline unrealistic and needs pushed back? If so, what is a more realistic deadline? If they are packed up and ready to go, now is the time to settle up. Do they owe you money? If they do, but can’t pay at the time, set up a payment schedule. Was living together pleasant (or at least tolerable)? If so, celebrate! Take everyone to dinner, help them move out, or just be gracious upon their exit.

Are you currently living with your adult children or vice versa? Tell me how it’s going here:

Thanks Mom!

My mom once said to me, “I feel like I taught you how to be a good mother, but not a good wife.” I hope my husband disagrees with her on that point, but what I know for sure is she taught me how to be a good human. I apply her lessons to my roles as mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., everyday. I’m surprised how often Mom’s wisdom pops into my head at work. As Mother’s Day approaches, here is some of that wisdom:

People Come First – Mom was 18 years old when I was born. I was an unplanned pregnancy. She could have chosen not to have me. Instead, she raised me while going to college, getting her degree, then working as a nurse. Watching her journey, I decided to wait until I was 30 years old to become a mom. Yes, I watched her life and judged her choices. Your life and choices are being judged too; at your job. Do you put the interests of the company ahead of your own, or do you do as little as possible because that’s all you think it deserves? Do you enable the team’s success, or do you look for ways to take credit for the team’s work? Your manager will make decisions regarding your job performance based both on what you do and what you don’t do. The best practice is to both make sure your manager knows you “took one for the team,” and share credit for the success of the project with the team. Mom put my life ahead of hers. She teaches me that people come first.

Pick Your Battles – My Grandmother turns 90 years old this month and her health is fading. She lives on her own and Mom and my uncle share the responsibility of helping her stay in her house. They sometimes disagree on the best way to handle situations. Sometimes my mother chooses not to fight a battle that, in her place, I would choose to fight. Sometimes she lets my uncle take the lead and handle the task. I was reminded of this recently at the office. I kept getting frustrated with a colleague’s work. I thought, “Why does he do that? “Why doesn’t he do this?” Then I realized my circumstance was very similar to Mom and my uncle taking care of my grandmother. I chose to follow Mom’s lead and not only let the coworker do his job, but also offered to help. He took me up on the offer, which was a lesson in humility, but that is another blog for another time. Anyway, does this sound familiar? Do you have associates that can use your help instead of your criticism? Mom trains me to pick my battles.

Always Choose Generosity – Mom has a friend who is fighting cancer. She spends almost five hours every other week with this friend as she undergoes immunotherapy. Every Easter, Mom and her Sunday school class make “Widow Baskets.” These are filled with goodies they purchase like candy, lotions, and gift cards, then deliver to widowed ladies from her class. Mom volunteers tutoring students ages elementary through High School who need one-on-one attention in a quiet area in order to learn. I could go on, but I’m running out of space here. Does she reap any rewards from this generosity? Yes. People, particularly her Sunday school class, show their appreciation. But that’s not why she does all the things she does. Because she is a Christian, Mom always chooses generosity. At work, look for ways to be generous. Stop typing and listen when your cubicle mate is upset. Help colleagues with projects that are in your wheelhouse. Encourage your coworkers when they are struggling. Is someone’s mom sick? Set a task on your calendar to ask him about her once a week. Compliment your boss on a job well done. Use your company’s employee incentive program to reward team members for helping you. Generosity actually benefits you. People are more likely to help you when, in the past, you’ve helped them. Mom’s example inspires me to always choose generosity.

Be So Good At What You Do That You Are Impossible To Ignore – Mom is a life long learner. I vividly remember as a kid sitting at a desk in our kitchen with a blue colored pencil in my hand tracing veins in a picture of a human skull in Mom’s Grey’s Anatomy Coloring Book. She studied it for one of her nursing classes. Mom loves The Bible and has spent the years since her retirement from nursing studying it. She is also a natural leader. She is a wise communicator with both listening and speaking skills. This combination made her the obvious choice to permanently teach her Sunday school class when the need arose. Also, because of her years of training, Mom has a steady stream of women 40 – 50 years younger than she is asking her to disciple them. Her example taught me to hone my skills, work hard, and produce results. It’s difficult to be a woman in the workplace, but results are genderless. If sales are up 12% because of your efforts, the boss isn’t thinking about whether you are male or female. Be the Subject Matter Expert at something at your job: PowerPoint, customer service, patient follow up, whatever your passion is. If you to study it, practice it, and be the best you can be at it, others (your current employer or your next one) will pursue you. Mom proves you should be so good at what you do that you are impossible to ignore.

It’s Good To Have Hope – Mom has fibromyalgia. This makes every day unpredictable. Stuff gets on her nerves. Literally. She finds ways to cope like art journaling which has garnered her some attention and fans. What began as a coping mechanism has given her opportunity to show others how to use it as a creative outlet. When she faces a difficult day, she moves through it trusting God and hoping tomorrow will be better. She relies on one of my grandmother’s sayings: This too shall pass (again, another blog for another time). Mom’s approach teaches me to keep going and not give up. Don’t you throw in the towel either. Keep going to work. Keep looking for ways to improve process, to please the client, to give value to the customer. Whatever you do for a living, put in the effort and know it will eventually pay off and probably not in the way you expect. Mom shows me that none of us know what the day ahead will bring, but it is definitely more pleasant if you face it with a positive attitude. Mom knows it’s good to have hope.

What about you? What lessons did your mom teach you? Please share them with me here:

Let’s Talk About Sex(ism)

Warning: Heavier subject matter than usual.

Phrases my friends have heard men say out loud in their offices in 2018: “Jim doesn’t realize he’s talking to a woman.” “She’s in charge (insert eye roll here).” “Joe doesn’t know how to talk to women.” “Give it to the office girl.” (Side note, the office girl is over 50 years old and is the speaker’s supervisor.) Do they not hear themselves? Do they not get it? Do they not care?

Most men would tell you they are not sexist because they sincerely believe they aren’t. Here’s an interesting (and scary) article about unconscious sexism: https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2016/12/14/no-man-is-above-unconscious-gender-bias-in-the-workplace-its-unconscious/#2dc4e1d612b4. Take the last United States’ Presidential campaign for example. During a stop in Virginia in February 2016, The governor of my state, John Kaisch, said, “And how did I get elected? Nobody was, I didn’t have anybody for me. We just got an army of people who, um, and many women, who left their kitchens to go out and go door-to-door and to put yard signs up for me,” (http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/22/politics/john-kasich-women-kitchen/). When female voters protested the women-leaving-their-kitchens comment, he said he intended no offense, if you listened to his whole speech you’d understand the context, and “Everybody’s just got to relax.” While we’re on the topic of sexist comments by men in government, let me just state the obvious and get it out of the way: President Trump. Enough said. I’m pulling a Mick Jagger. “If you start me up I’ll never stop.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I’ve just got to relax. If a female gets offended by a sexist comment made by a male coworker, we are told it’s because we aren’t chill, we didn’t understand what he meant, or we have no sense of humor. Getting offended and pointing it out eventually renders anything we say ineffective. In nearly every job I’ve held so far, I’ve had to decide how much standing up for my gender will cost me. My most extreme example: One of my supervisors used me as a scapegoat to chronically spend over budget, took my ideas for his own, then nicknamed me Pandora for asking too many questions. It’s difficult to just relax when the industry’s general consensus is a woman’s career is not as important as a man’s career.

My biggest angst is how to prepare our daughter for this reality. When she was born 21 years ago, I really hoped by now sexism would no longer be an issue. But just in case, I intentionally pushed to name her Casey, or another gender ambiguous name, so that when hiring managers saw her resume they could not possibly know what gender she is before they saw her. That coupled with the fact her resume lists her position on her university’s power lifting team REALLY confuses hiring managers. One came to the lobby to bring her back for an interview, looked right at her, then asked his administrative assistant if Casey Humphreys had shown up yet. Casey said, “That’s me.” After looking over her resume, he expected to find a muscular young man sitting in his lobby, not a petite young woman.

I usually have some encouragement for you at this point in the post, but this week, all I have are questions. Little questions like: When do you speak up? When do you shut up? Is there any point in saying you’re offended? Is any change going to take place if you do? Should you keep hitting your head against this wall? Then there are the huge questions: What are your coping strategies? Has speaking up kept you from advancement? What do you tell your daughters?

Please tell me your stories here:

Keep it Kind

Associate of the Quarter — Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

For a year, I was employed part time for HomeGoods in addition to my full time job. Why? For the money, the distraction, and because I grew extremely fond of the people with whom I worked. During a seven day week, I put in about 20 hours. Spending this much time at the store introduced me to tons of people and the experience was heady. I never met so many interesting individuals gathered in one place: married, single, younger, older, poor, well-off, sick, healthy, educated, trying-to-get educated, shy, exhibitionist. They had so many stories to tell and I had so much time to listen while we categorized a thousand and one throw pillows by color. Culturally, at the time, kindness was trending. So I decided early on to make this job an experiment in kindness. Could I be kind to every person I encountered: managers, teammates, customers? If I did, how would I measure success? Would this be an experiment everyone could do? The answer came quickly and blew my mind. Here is what you can do and what I did:

For Your Managers: Show up on time and do what they ask you to do. I checked out resources, like the merchandising handbook, on my breaks and studied them. I let them know I used some of my vacation time from my full time job to support the store during holiday seasons. I adopted an “it’s easier to be forgiven than approved” attitude. Like Philip McKernan says, “In the absence of clarity, take action.” In order to learn, I offered to do things (returns, merchandising, etc) beyond my job description until someone higher up than me told me I didn’t have the authority to do it.

For Your Teammates: Listen to them and ask follow up questions. Do the tasks others don’t want to do – within reason. For example: I didn’t judge and I pretended not to be shocked by anything they said. (“Are your decisions getting you what you want out of life? L’chaim.”) When a chronically complaining coworker started up, I spun her complaint into a compliment. When a high maintenance customer overwhelmed a new associate, I offered assistance. When an associate felt stuck in her position and wanted to move up, we discussed resume writing and networking. When an associate was grappling with another job opportunity, we talked about the pros and cons of retail life vs. office life. I set boundaries like time limits for listening and offering a choice to unmotivated teammates: “Here are two things we need to do right now. Which one do you want? I’ll do the one you don’t want to do.” (Please excuse the overuse of “I” in this post. I couldn’t think of another way to give real-life illustrations.) Bottom line: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

For Your Customers: They are always more important than the task. Take the time to serve them. Here are some things that happened to me: A grumpy older man wanted to use a dolly (which is forbidden by the company) to haul a Christmas mailbox from the back of the store to the front. I offered to do it. When he said, “Are you going to pay for it when you drop it?” I said, “Sir, your confidence in me is underwhelming,” and hauled the mailbox. Sassy? Yes. Disrespectful? Not quite. Another customer pulled out a dozen throw pillows, trying to decide which three to purchase. I put them in a cart and took them over to a couch the color she was trying to match and we spent twenty minutes choosing the perfect ones. Another customer asked for help finding sheets and every option I pulled for her either was not the right thread count, or not the right size, or did not include enough pillow cases, or was too expensive, etc. I did not kill her.

I had to give up HomeGoods when my full time job began to require more flexibility in my schedule. The results of the kindness experiment have stuck with me and, I think, made me better at my full time job. The first result was a realization that my age is finally coming in handy. I was used to being the youngest person in the group. But at the store, I was one of the oldest. I was depressed at first, but tried to roll with it. I mean, what’s the alternative? Death? The second result was that the challenge of finding ways to be kind to everyone I came in contact with at the store energized me. I found I could work 60 or so hours a week and still function. The final result was the most unexpected. Two months into my employment, it was time to choose the Associate of the Quarter. The majority of my teammates voted for me. Their kindness flatters me even now. I received my name on a plaque, a framed certificate, a visit from the district manager, and a gift card. But the real gift they gave me was practice communicating with customers, teammates, and management. Kindness as a communication strategy. Brilliant. Thank you teammates for the valuable lesson!

How about you? Ever find yourself in a situation where you can choose to either invest in people or just keep to yourself? What did you do? Are you happy with your decision? Tell me about it here:

Be a Great CSR – Even if You’re Not

One afternoon last week at work, my manager was distressed as she hung up the phone. She’d received a call from a customer with whom she’d been playing phone tag. He’d contacted our call center the week prior and the CSR (Customer Service Representative) could not help him so she notified several Program Managers (PM) detailing this customer’s issue. After several days with no resolution, my manager contacted the customer to determine whom was the correct person to help him. She did this knowing full well she was not that person. She was distressed because now the customer was needlessly frustrated. My manager determined which PM could help the customer and got the ball rolling in the right direction for him. My manager is a PM, but she demonstrated for everyone in our office how important customer service is. If customer service is not officially in your job description, here is why you should learn to do it anyway:

It May Not Be Your Job, But It IS Your Business – Even if you do not deal directly with customers you have a supervisor (even C-Suite employees have a board to whom they are accountable). This supervisor is actually your customer because your job is “At-Will” (Google “At-Will employment). Start thinking of your supervisor as a customer. I’ve worked at a television station, retail stores, schools, churches, and corporate offices. In all these jobs, I had managers. When I started treating them like they were a customer paying me for the skills I brought to my position, it changed the game. My attitude changed which made them react differently to me. You can use customer service skills in just about every job you’ll ever have. It adds value to whatever position you hold in a company.

What? Like It’s Hard? – Whether you sell a product or a service, people are what keep you in a job. It’s in your best interest to help them. With companies using fewer people to do more work, it behooves you to learn how to be nice. Most people think of complainers when they think of customer service and you definitely get those. First just stay quiet and let him talk. Soon, like a crying baby, he will wear himself out and you can get a word in. At that point, offer sympathy and tell him what action you intend to take on his behalf even if it’s just, “Let me talk to my manager and see what I can find out for you.”. A gentle answer turns away wrath most of the time. People usually just want to be heard. Then, they want to know someone is doing something about their problem. I was in a situation where I needed a prescription filled and had no clue there were restrictions on it. Luckily, the Pharmacy tech was fabulous at customer service. She told me if I could wait a day and come back, she would contact both my insurance company and my doctor’s office and figure out how to work within the restrictions. She even called me less than 24 hours after my first visit to update me on her progress. That made my second trip to the pharmacy in as many days much more pleasant. (Thank you, Michelle!)

Life Is All About Relationships – Customer service is simply getting along. The same skills you learned to get along with your college roommate, or church baseball teammates, or the people you volunteer with at your local Metropark, are the same skills you use in customer service. Let the customer know you are on his side. Your attitude should be: We are in this situation together. How can we get a win for everyone involved? It’s also about communication. Even if nothing can be done to fully satisfy the customer, an explanation and an empathetic apology is an acceptable answer.

It Benefits You – Customer service is a valuable transferable “soft” skill. When you help people, you gain a reputation as a problem solver. And problem solvers are indispensable in any organization. If someone you’ve helped is really grateful and says something like, “It’s been great working with you” or “You’ve been so helpful” and you feel it’s appropriate, let him know that a couple of sentences sent to your supervisor (and copied to you) in an email would be greatly appreciated. That way both you and your supervisor know how much you bring to the table. Put these emails in a folder and bring them out at performance review time. Remember: The more people you help, the larger your network gets. You never know what connections you can make or from where your next job will come. You may help the husband of a manager of the company for whom you want to work, and when she’s looking for someone special and talking to him about it on a dinner date, he might remember you and jump start your next opportunity.

How does customer service come into play in your job? Share your story here:

Busting Office Bullies

Did you get bullied in school? What is called bullying now used to be called, “Boys will be boys,” when I was in elementary. Or “He only throws snowballs at your head because he likes you.” Most of those snowball throwers have grown up and gotten jobs. Maybe one works in your office and instead of throwing snowballs, he’s throwing shade. Or maybe he’s putting tasks on your list that he doesn’t want to do. If you need to stand up to an office bully, here are some things you can do:

Be Assertive: Treat him the way you want to be treated. Show him how to behave by behaving yourself. Be kind. Don’t give him dirty looks or insult him or point out his flaws even if he does those things to you. If he escalates, tell him his behavior is not office appropriate. If he uses the old, “Can’t you take a joke?” line, feel free to hit back with, “Sure. When are you going to tell one?” The longer you let a bully go unchecked, the quicker he assumes you are an acceptable target.

Establish Boundaries and Hold Them: Ignore him, let it go, act like he’s not talking to you, then pick your battles and stand your ground. Realize that you will have to fight at least once, so chose carefully. Once a bully knows you will get back up after he knocks you down, knocking you down becomes work and let’s face it, if he had enough work to do, he wouldn’t have time to bully you. For example: Did he ask you to make a cold call for him? Did you turn it into a sale? Do you give it back to him or can you keep it? Is this a decision your Sales Manager can make? Once you start negatively impacting his paycheck, he’ll think twice about whether pushing you around is worth it.

Those Who Can Do. Those Who Can’t Gossip: This isn’t high school, although being bullied might feel like it. When you’ve had enough, confront him. Don’t talk about him behind his back. Don’t be an office gossip and don’t get a reputation for being one. Handle your business. Adulting is hard. If you are afraid of how he’ll react to a confrontation, (a gentle conversation mind you, not a yelling match or an accusation) well, you don’t like how he treats you when you don’t confront him so you’ve really got nothing to lose now do you?

He’s Not Always Wrong: He was hired for a reason and he hasn’t been fired. Yet. So he must be good at something even if it’s just brown-nosing the boss. Don’t habitually discount his ideas and contributions to the company. A manager will overlook a lot if the employee is a rainmaker. You don’t have to like him, you just have to work with him. Getting along may mean leaving each other alone as much as possible. When he has a request think about how you’d feel about doing it for someone else. If a colleague you respected asked you to do it, would it be a problem? If not, do it. If so, throw it back at him with an pseudo apology, “Sorry. Project X is taking all my attention. I’m sure you’ll find time to send those emails.”

I used male pronouns in all my examples above, but I realize female bullies have jobs too. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle work bullies? Tell me about it here:

Are People Following You? Then You’re A Leader

I once worked as a first grade teacher’s aide at the Christian school my daughter attended. I was responsible for things like story time, recess, taking the class to and from PE, and facilitating reading groups. So, the 21 students and I had plenty of time to bond (and test my boundaries). By the middle of the school year, we knew each other well enough to have fun together. For example: Everyday I picked the students up from lunch. When they saw me at the door with my hand raised, they formed a single line in front of me. After a quick head count, I asked in drill sergeant style, “Where do your lunch boxes go?” They replied, “To the left, to the left!” To which I responded, “Everything you own in a box to the left!” (song credit: Beyonce.) And off we went back to class. One day after witnessing this spectacle, the headmaster stopped us in the hall outside the lunchroom. I anticipated a reprimand, but instead he complemented me on my unique leadership style. I said, “Sir, I’m not a leader. I’m just trying to get their right hands free to hold onto the stair railing.” He said, “Mrs. Humphreys, look behind you. You literally have 21 people following you. Like it or not, you are a leader.” The moral of the story? Official titles don’t matter. If people follow you then you are a leader. Are you a reluctant leader? You are if you have these qualities:

You make decisions – If people ask you “What do you think of ______?” then you are a leader. In situations where a group decision has to be made, I look around at the people who outrank me and see if they are going to decide. If no one speaks up, I ask some questions to spur brainstorming. If that doesn’t spark a decision, I throw out some options; sometimes even suggest a course of action. Does that sound like something you’ve done? Then you are a leader.

You are a servant – A good leader is actually a servant. She is kind, humble, and generous. She puts the best interests of her team or organization before her own. A good leader can’t be selfish. Taken to the extreme, a selfish leader is a dictator. People end up either miserably following him or quitting. If you have found yourself in a situation where you could not do your job until Mary did hers, then helped Mary finish her task (but didn’t do it for her), then you are a leader.

You know what motivates people – A good leader knows both what motivates those around her and what their strengths are. Then she plays to those things. For example: John has just been put in charge of coordinating the department’s presentation to the client, but you know he works better solo than in a group. So you quietly remind your manager that John is an Excel ninja and suggest he be reassigned to chart the Year-To-Date statistics for the presentation instead. You played both to John’s strength and the manager’s motivation for an excellent presentation. Guess what? You are a leader.

But what if you don’t want to be a leader? It’s too much responsibility, You don’t feel like you’re a good role model. Yada, yada, yada. Suck it up, Buttercup. Like it or not, you’re a leader so be a good one. Start with small acknowledgements to yourself that you lead your family, your team at work, your crew of volunteers at church, etc. Be aware of how you treat others. Start with just being kind. Have your people’s backs. Encourage them with compliments on tasks well done. It’s not all bad, it’s not always difficult, and it can be rewarding. As John Quincy Adams said, “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

What other qualities do leaders have in common? Share your thoughts here: