Present Pressure

Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels
Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels

One of the biggest elements of the holiday season is gift giving. When it comes to work, under what circumstances should you give presents? As for coworkers, I address that subject in my latest article for Fairygodboss, but what about the other people in your work life?

Holiday gifts are an opportunity to remind clients and contractors of the goals we achieved together over the past year. I try to deepen the relationships, but I keep the gifts shallow; in other words, not overly personal. You won’t receive a tie or perfume from me. You may, however, receive a subtly (think watermark) company branded cell phone wallet or journal. I want my receivers to remember me fondly, not feel like they’re walking advertisements for my employer. If I know my receiver well enough to know their interests (or if they have an assistant I can ask), a personal gift is the way to go. But if I don’t, I go local. For example: I live in Dayton, Ohio and am blessed to have access to Dayton specific gifts appropriate for business giving: Bill’s Donuts, Esther Price candy, anything from Dorothy Lane Market’s bakery, gift certificates to Marion’s Pizza or Carillon Park, etc. Plenty of companies have rules about employees accepting gifts including dollar limits (IE: they can’t accept gifts worth more than $25). If I don’t know what the rules are, I check with their HR department. I had a customer for whom receiving gifts was against company policy. I took him a dozen cookies from a local bakery so he and his staff could eat the evidence. I stay away from humorous gifts unless I know my receiver REALLY well because senses of humor vary greatly. A gift doesn’t have to be a physical object. Here are three things you could give that don’t go under a Christmas tree:

Words: Amplify their blog posts, like their pictures on social media, endorse them on Linkedin, share articles they write, leave positive comments on their websites. Write a nice review on their company Facebook page, be intentional with kind words. When our daughter accepted a position pending graduation, she announced it on social media. She not only expressed her excitement at the job, but also thanked the university that helped her get the job. Her post implies if you attend this university, you could get a job after graduation. Her testimonial is a gift because the university promotes post-graduation employment in their recruiting.

Service: Everyone is going through something – offer to help. Be value added. Serve their needs. I had a customer who didn’t want to participate in my program because it required her to notify hundreds of people. I created a document she could email and distribute. It sealed the deal. I saved it as a template and offered it to all my customers after that. Providing extra customer service distinguishes you from your competitors. If you make your customers’ lives easier, they want to keep you around.

Generosity: Go beyond a thank-you-for-your-business-this-year email. Donate to their favorite cause. It gives you an opportunity for follow up. Or, even better, volunteer at their favorite charity alongside them. It gives you an opportunity to bond. Be generous, but not extravagant; that can get real creepy real fast. Don’t expect a gift in return. If you do receive a gift, be gracious even if you don’t like it and be sure to send a thank you note; preferably hand written and sent snail mail. Gift giving can be tricky, but let common sense, kindness, and authenticity be your guides. Share your business gift giving suggestions here and Happy Holidays!


Yes, Your Honor

Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com

We don’t think about how much our parents sacrificed for us until we have children. We don’t realize how good our parents are until we do the job. We don’t consider the long term consequences of making career choices that favor raising a child until we have to make them. We don’t imagine the personal impact of staying up all night nursing a baby, staying up all night worrying about a teenager who is still not home, or staying up all night counseling an adult child whose heart just got broken, until we experience those things.

Merriam-Webster defines honor as treating people with admiration and respect and to give them special recognition. The Bible goes further: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV) These instructions leave the door to interpretation wide open. When I was five years old, I honored my parents by obeying them. But now that I’m an adult, not so much. Unsure of what to do, I did what most communicators do: I asked them. My Mom said, “In a simple statement, make them feel like they matter, are important, and are worth your time and energy.” My Dad said, “Knowing parents in all stages of life, caring enough to note what is not being said, by noticing non-verbal communication, serving them out of love, not obligation.”

No pressure.

My parents had years to decide what honoring a parent looks like. Their definitions are filtered through their recent experience with my grandmother. During the last few years of her life, my parents honored Grammy by serving her. They, and my uncle, managed her care and her home as her health declined. That was a big ask. Grammy was fortunate to have children willing to serve her as they did, and I trust God will bless my parents for their work.

My parents’ answers indicate they feel honored when my husband, daughter, and/or I spend time with them. Time is a precious commodity both for them and us. I learned that from Harry Chapin. So, I set reminders in my phone to send “just checking in” texts. I encourage my husband and daughter to have their own communication with them and I encourage my parents to communicate with my husband and daughter directly too. I ask when we can get together and what can I do for them. I count on them to tell me, then do everything I realistically can to make it happen.

Not everyone is blessed with good parents. The bottom line is: Forgive them. Simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It’s self-preservation. It doesn’t change anything about them, it heals you. If it’s just a matter of mistakes you think your parents made, communicate with them: “I feel like you favored my sister over me,” or “I feel like you criticized everything I did.” Have that difficult conversation. But if you were physically abused or abandoned, acknowledge the pain and work to let it go for your own peace of mind. If you have to distance yourself from a toxic parent in order to be emotionally healthy, the most honorable thing you can do may be to just leave them alone.

I can never repay my parents for the T.E.A.M.  effort they put into raising me, but I can appreciate it by finding out what makes them feel honored and doing my best to make them feel loved. Please share what you do to honor your parents here:

Would You Rather? A: Face Scylla OR… B: Face Charybdis

Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels
Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

I had a front row seat to the series of unpleasant decisions one has to make when caring for an aging and ailing parent. During the final years of my ninety-year-old grandmother’s life, she lived in her house. Both she and the house needed lots of care. She had a son, a daughter, and two adult granddaughters. She didn’t want to live with any of us, she didn’t want any of us to live with her, and she didn’t want to live in an assisted care facility. We worried constantly about her driving, her falling in her home, and her taking care of herself. My parents and uncle worked very hard for two years managing both their own households and hers. It was like a job: Grammy was the boss and the family was her team. What do you do when seemingly impossible demands are made of your team? What happens when you don’t like any of your choices? Here are three lessons I learned that may benefit you at work:

Communicate: During the last two years of Grammy’s life, she went to the hospital’s emergency department several times. These visits were unplanned and usually happened at inconvenient times. She had seven family members who could either take her or meet her there. These trips required communication and negotiation among the family. Who was on scene when the decision was made? Is this trip necessary? Are there other options? (Is her Primary Care Physician available? Is this really an Urgent Care visit?) It was like an emergency at work. Has this ever happened to you? You have a 5:30PM appointment across town and the boss hits you up at 4:55PM for a report he wants by 8:00AM tomorrow. What do you do? Cancel your plans because he needs help immediately? Remind him that poor planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours? Neither choice seems wise. This is the time to compose yourself, keep calm, and communicate. Start a dialogue enlisting your manager’s effort in the solution. It’s perfectly respectful to say, “I have an appointment, what are our options?”

Step away: We had a difficult time making plans during the last couple years of Grammy’s life because there was always a chance we’d have to cancel them. For example: We wanted to take Mom to see an exhibition of the Terracotta Army for her birthday, but we needed to buy tickets in advance. After much deliberation, we decided not to go because the odds of Grammy needing us were pretty high at the time. We ended up celebrating with brunch; a shorter event closer to home. Sound like a familiar work situation? For example: You need to take vacation or otherwise lose those days, but someone quit and your responsibilities increased. If you can’t manage to take a few days off in a row, at least take a long weekend to let your brain rest and reboot. Exercise, go to a movie, go to brunch, read a book, listen to music. Your brain can come up with creative solutions by associating unlikely connections. Give your brain more resources, experiences, and connections to access. You never know where inspiration will come from.

Be kind: Everyone wanted to do what was best for Grammy, but what was best for her was both subjective to and exclusive to everyone involved. It’s often like that at work too, right? Your manager’s priority may be whatever the corporate office dictates. Your coworker’s priority may be whatever keeps the customer off her back. Your priority may be whatever gets you to hit your KPIs (Key Performance Indicators). When all those priorities collide, Ask yourself: Which solution causes the least amount of damage? Which solution is the most kind to the most people involved? Filter your choices through your moral compass. Remember the situation is temporary and don’t allow emotion to cloud your judgement. Stress will exacerbate the situation, so take a time out to stop and think. Make a list of just the facts. Don’t color this list with feelings or judgements. Next, list all the possible options for resolving the situation no matter how outside the box. Then, look at the list and decide what solution does the most good for the most people. Even if you can’t make the situation a win for everyone, at least you can see who will be impacted the most and do the best you can for them.

What are some hard decisions you’ve made lately? Tell me about them here:

Pardon the Manterruption

Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels
Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Manterrupting – When a man unnecessarily interrupts a woman who is talking. Example: Last week during a meeting, I was making a point. One of the men at the table jumped in with his opinion. He seemed to think he was doing me a favor by adding to my narrative. I wasn’t finished making my point and he steered the conversation in a direction I didn’t intend to go. He made it all about him because he “needed to clarify for myself.”

Bropropriating – When a man takes credit for a woman’s idea. Example: Returning from lunch, I found one of the account managers on speaker with a contractor. We have an open floor plan in our small office and I heard every word of both sides of the phone conversation. The contractor had purchased television advertising. He was writing his own script and having trouble. In a former job I wrote television commercials, so the conversation piqued my interest. I asked a few questions, made a few suggestions, and eventually offered to write a script. His shoot was scheduled for the next day, so I had to email the script to him immediately. I did. I received no reply. Crickets. Three weeks later I’m sitting in my living room on Saturday morning watching the local news and what do I see? The contractor’s commercial that I wrote. Writing scripts is not a service we normally provide. I did it to be a team player. Not only did I not make any money from my intellectual property, but the contractor also didn’t even acknowledge my contribution.

Manterrupting and bropropriating are linked. One often leads to the other, particularly in meetings, and especially in meetings where men outnumber women. There is even an app you can use to to track manterruptions during conversations.  I once worked for a church where bropropriating was intentional. I was the only female on a team of four. We met weekly to plan creative elements for future worship services. The man in charge referred to taking someone’s idea and running with it a “stepping stone”.  Gee, that’s a nice term for bropropriating. As if it’s normal. As if it’s not just taking credit for another person’s creativity. Here’s how it worked: A topic was introduced and the first person they looked at to offer suggestions on how to present it was me. Ladies first, you know. How convenient that I was the only “lady” in the room. Then they’d proceed to tear down the idea and offer their “better” ideas. Then we’d circle back around to my idea that they decided they liked after all. They just didn’t like hearing it from me. I was outnumbered 3 to 1. Now I know why my ideas were seldom acknowledged as my own . There were no other females in those meetings to amplify me. This process made me not want to attend these meetings. What was the point of being creative if someone else got credit for my creativity?

To make things worse, women are in competition with each other.  As if there isn’t room enough for all of us.  Where did we get that idea? If you are the only female on staff and another female is hired, do you partner with her or undermine her? The system is hostile by nature, but this doesn’t have to be the case. We can influence our environment by promoting the fact that the team will get further together than we will on our own. If we’re in a meeting where men outnumber us, we need to speak with authority. None of this, “Well, I don’t know whether this will work or not, but…” We can use non-verbals and power poses like lowering our tone of voice, walking to the front of the room, pointing, and placing our hand on the table to imply command of the conversation. When another woman makes an intelligent point, we can amplify it by immediately speaking up and agreeing with her and giving her credit for coming up with the idea. We can look interested when she speaks, nod our heads in agreement, and lean forward in our chairs. If a man interrupts a woman, interrupt his interruption by saying, “Jim, I’d really like to hear the rest of what Susan has to say.” It feels like trying to turn the Titanic around, but the workforce needs everyone’s brains; not just the brains attached to the loudest mouths.

Please tell me your manterrupting and bropropriating stories here:

College Educated

Photo by pixabay.com
Photo by pixabay.com

My husband and I helped our daughter move back to campus to begin her Senior Year last week. It made me feel nostalgic, but not in the “our-little-girl-is-growing-up” way. More like the “have-I-been-a-good-mom?” way. Our daughter is in college, but I’m earning a degree in parenting an adult child. Here are five things I learned and how I intend to use that knowledge this school year:

Boundaries: I’m going to stop feeling bad for setting and holding boundaries. For example: last Spring Break she paid for her trip. Following her return, she ate peanut butter and jelly for a week because she misjudged her next pay day. Sure, I could’ve given her $50, but what would that teach her? She’d learn she can count on me to bail her out of financial jams. Setting boundaries with an adult child is tricky. She still kinda lives with my husband (her father) and me. We have precious little recourse if she breaks our rules. If we ask her to tidy her room and she doesn’t, what are we going to do about it? Not help her pay tuition? If she perceives the house and everything in it as hers, then of course she’s offended when we bristle at her plan to invite a dozen of her friends over to cook a spaghetti dinner together. At midnight. On a Wednesday. I’ll stop making home comfy for her so she can look forward to moving out permanently and making a home of her own.

Communication: If she doesn’t ask me a question, I won’t voice my opinion. Communication is mostly listening. However, I need to limit how long I listen to her vent about a problem before suggesting she turn her thoughts toward a solution, and I must resist the urge to fix it for her. It’s hard to break that habit, but if I get hit by a beer truck this afternoon, she’s going to have to resolve it herself anyway. I need to train her to solve her own problems while she still has her parents to fall back on. Our birdie needs to know we think she can fly. Humans want immediate relief from crisis, but not every hard thing in life is a crisis.

Expectations: I’ll stop being offended when she chooses to spend time with her friends instead of me. She is finding her tribe and figuring out how to live in community. This is my opportunity to do the same. College is a natural time for her to pull away. I can make this transition easier for both of us by not wondering if she’s coming home for the weekend and making my own plans instead. Also, I’ll stop romanticizing my kid. It shouldn’t surprise me when she comes home to eat hot wings, pet the dog, and put items on the grocery list, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I need to see her for who she is and not whom I want her to be.

Sow, Reap: I will let her reap what she sows; both good and bad. When my daughter says she needs something, my first instinct is to find a way to give it to her. I’ll stop, think, and maybe ask a couple of questions before just handing over my retirement money. Actions have consequences. Adulting is one step up and two steps back. Letting her reap what she sowed is hard. But as difficult as it is to stand by and watch my child suffer the consequences of a poor decision, I have to remember that humans learn more from painful lessons than we learn from pain-free ones.

Lean On My Partner: I will step back and let my partner parent. Recently, something was obviously bothering our daughter and she refused to talk about it. Twenty-four hours later, she still didn’t want to tell us about it. She went to her room and after a couple of hours, I was worried. I started to check on her when my brilliant husband had a better idea: Bacon. Soon the irresistible smell of bacon frying on the stove drew her downstairs. She stated she didn’t want to talk about the situation because it made her sad. So I pulled an Elsa and let it go. Can I solve her problem? No. Is it her problem and not mine? Yes. Does the cold bother me anyway? Never. My husband has a different perspective on most every situation concerning our daughter. I’m soft on her for some things and he’s soft on her for others. Luckily, we’re rarely soft on her for the same things. Occasionally, I have to let him take the lead and support his management of the situation. Doing so is easier when it involves bacon.

How do you parent your adult child? Please share your story here:

Old School

Grammy and Me
Grammy and Me

My Grandmother passed away last Saturday. I didn’t expect a viewing for a 90-year-old woman to be heavily attended, but over 100 people came with their condolences. It’s a testimony to her influence and legacy. She was 36 years old when I was born; young to be a grandmother. Consequently, I got to study her life for many years. Grammy was one of my first examples of working mothers. She was married, ran a household, volunteered at her church and raised two children all while working full time and she made it look easy. Here is what my grandmother taught me about work.

Take Your Passion and Make it Happen: Grammy loved Jesus Christ more than anything or anyone. Spreading His Gospel was her side gig. Grammy didn’t believe in addition. She was a multiplier like the old Faberge Organics Shampoo commercial (“I told two friends; and they told two friends, and so on…”). Grammy’s church was the biggest outlet for her love and during the years she was a member, hundreds of people benefited from her efforts. She taught the Ladies Sunday School Class for over 50 years. She managed funeral lunches. She sang in the choir. She made cookies for Vacation Bible School. When her kids were grown, did she mourn her empty nest? No. She took a turn in the nursery rocking babies on Sunday morning so parents could attend the service undistracted. When she retired, did she take it easy? No. She coordinated retreats for her Sunday School class to get away together and bond. When her husband passed away, did she shut herself off to grieve? No. She started a widow’s group. Does all this sound like work? It was. Grammy was always at church or working on its behalf, and for many of those years, simultaneously worked full time. She taught me to make time for what is important. Am I stuck in my career? Maybe I need to take an online class to improve my Excel skills, meet with my mentor, or update my LinkedIn profile. If advancing my career is important to me, I have to make time for it.

Whenever I Call You Friend: Grammy knew what everyone in her family was up to: brothers, sisters, in-laws, out-laws, children, grandchildren, great-grandchild, etc. She did it old school: personal encounters, snail mail, and on the phone. She did not own a computer and she had no social media accounts. Some of my most prized possessions are notes Grammy wrote me in birthday cards and voicemails she left on my cell. Grammy went to family reunions, church pot lucks, parties, recitals, and ball games. At these events, Grammy cultivated relationships. She asked questions and was interested in people. She taught me how to network. Social media is convenient, but it just doesn’t replace the impact of face to face interactions. I never know when a former coworker or a fellow volunteer is going to have an open position in her company, remember me fondly, and facilitate a job interview.

What’s Love Got to do With It?: Once I received a job offer over the phone while at Grammy’s house. I told her I was not thrilled about the position, but I needed the employment. Her response was, “You don’t have to retire from it.” I know “Find a career you love!” is trending, but the fact is, two-thirds of American workers are disengaged from their jobs. Grammy did not go after a high profile career. She had employment that paid bills so she could spend money on her church, her family, and herself (Man! That woman LOVED Longaberger baskets). She worked to cover her family with medical insurance and to earn a pension. She taught me if I don’t love my job, I need to find something else I do love. If I can do it as a side gig, even better. The right side gig might eventually turn full time.

One of Grammy’s favorite sayings was, “This too shall pass.” She said it in reference to whatever problem I was going through at the time. But, it’s not just problems that pass. It’s people. I’m grateful God allowed Norma Lee Maple Pelfrey to pass through my life.

Did your grandmother teach you anything about the workforce? Tell me about it here:

Vulnerable to Extinction

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When I ask young women what they want to do with their lives, I’m surprised at the number of whom say Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). Their answer saddens me because it’s such a tough row to hoe here in America. I think they are brave to admit this desire given the current state of the women’s movement. Speaking as someone who is reaping the consequences of choosing child-rearing over  career, I have some news for SAHM wannabes:

Not News: Whether or not SAHM is a profession is highly controversial. Since women in America do not receive a paycheck to be SAHMs, for the sake of this conversation, I refer to it as a job. I think we can all agree that it takes skill to run a home: Time management, organization, budget balancing, crisis management, cruise director, chauffeur, nurse, maid, teacher, coach, cook, housekeeper, etc.

Also Not News: Plenty of women have to do all of the above while simultaneously working a full time job. A friend who is a wife and mother of a preschooler was excited to accept a position that pays $12.13 an hour to start. I’m smiling and congratulating while in my head calculating how far that money will go. When did food, clothing, and shelter get so expensive? Her situation is common. Are you married and need daycare so you can work because you can’t pay your bills with one income? In 2016, Americans paid an average of $196 a week to put one child in daycare, and the price just keeps going up. Of the parents surveyed, two-fifths said costs rose $1000 per year.

Actual News: Many women consider raising children a full time job, but America’s legal system doesn’t. Is it even possible to be a SAHM anymore? If you are going to be successful, here are three things you should consider:

Partner: You will need someone who is willing to support you and your children financially at least for a while. Be prepared to give up luxuries like eating out, expensive vacations, and designer clothes, for years. Work to maintain good communication. Regularly check in and ask how he’s doing and tell him how you’re doing. Go on dates so the two of you have bonding experiences that don’t include the kids. Acknowledge this is hard for both of you, and be assertive in expecting help with managing both the chores (cooking/cleaning/yard work, etc.) and the child care. It’s not “babysitting” when it’s your own kid. It’s parenting.

Gig: Can you work at home to maintain some sort of professional connection? Because while you may be a SAHM for around 20 years, eventually, you’ll retire and a 20 year hiatus from the work force is damaging to your marketability. Start now to prepare for life after your nest empties. What about starting a business? What about working part time? What about volunteering?

Network: Stay in touch with other moms and former colleagues. With all the social media platforms available, you have no excuse to let relationships go, but also make the effort to connect face to face. Meet for coffee, lunch, a walk, a book club: any activity that comes naturally so that you have adult relationships to cultivate for the future day when you have the bandwidth to pursue your life’s next chapter.

Do you have any advice for potential SAHMs? Share it here:

Thanks, Dad!

Mom says we always pose like this
The Best Dad a Girl Ever Had

Stepfathers are dads. Sometimes more so than biological ones. My dad entered my life when I was thirteen years old. He is a Vietnam veteran which explains why he wasn’t afraid to marry a woman with a teenage daughter. He is a man of few words, but the words he says are wise, funny, and caring. He is a man of action. He gets things done. When I got my first “real” job after college, I found our biggest point of connection was work. We could spend hours trading stories. As we wrap up Father’s Day 2018, here are some things my dad taught me about work:

Show Up: There are days you don’t want to get out of bed and go to work. Do it anyway. Dad is now retired, but for years he worked for a phone company. One of his responsibilities was repairing business equipment. He used to get a ton of overtime after severe thunderstorms getting switchboards back online because he answered their call for help when his coworkers refused. I observed Dad’s getting-ready-for-work routine first hand when we lived with my parents for a few months while waiting to move into our first house. Dad was always the first one up. He’d shower, put on the uniform, and get coffee. By the time he got to the coffee, I was up and getting ready for work. Looking back on all those moments we crossed paths at the coffee pot, I realize he set an example I still follow today. Get up, get coffee, get hustling.

Ignore Slackers: It doesn’t matter what the other guy is not doing. So one coworker takes five smoke breaks a day, and another one shows up late three times a week. Yes. It’s frustrating, but you reap what you sow. Sometimes these coworkers want you to cover for them and it’s uncomfortable refusing to bend to the peer pressure. Do the right thing. Management often knows more than you think. Maintain good habits: arrive on time, be courteous, get the job done. When you consistently do these things, you stand out from your peers and you advance.

Recognize Your Real Boss: You work for God. He is your provider, not the company. Sometimes the union and the company do not get along; usually at contract negotiation time. Every few years, all of us worried Dad would end up out of a job, but Dad kept going to work and doing his best anyway. By doing this, Dad made me realize I wasn’t working to please my boss, and it weirdly gave me a sense of freedom. Even now, It makes me want to continuously improve my skills, set higher goals, and step out of my comfort zone. Oddly, these are habits managers notice and for which they promote you. Funny how that works, huh?

Take Your Vacation: Once a year Dad took a week off work to fish with his friend. He also took time off to be with Mom. Even if they didn’t go anywhere, he didn’t leave that vacation time on the table. He is retired now, but still spends a week fishing because both rest and maintaining friendships are important. His example motivates me to maintain and strengthen my relationships. It’s okay to take a vacation day and go to lunch with my college roommate, stop working long enough to go away for a week with my husband, and put the laptop down and take our daughter to Target.

Be Generous: For years, Dad ran the sound board at his church. Not because he loves pulling microphone cables and running sound checks, but because they had a need he could fill. Now that he’s retired, he still supports his church both financially and volunteers his time. He helps care for his 90 year old mother-in-law both financially and helps maintain her house. These qualities make Dad one of the most respected men I know. Recently, Dad introduced me to several people at his church. All of them said how much they like and admire him. My response to each was the same, “Hey! Me too!” Isn’t that what all of us want? To do good work and be respected for it? Dad taught me you earn the respect of your coworkers and managers by not only getting your work done, but also by generously helping them get their work done. That’s how you contribute to building a strong team. Thanks, Dad!

What did your dad teach you about work? Do you have a great stepfather? Share your stories here:

You Call THIS Having it All?

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We’ve gone from Helen Gurley Brown in 1986 telling women we can have it all: career, family, social life, etc., to Oprah Winfrey in 2018 telling us we can’t have it all at the same time. I feel like the narrative of the American Woman is: Have a demanding career, a successful husband, active children, and manage all these things with no support; otherwise, you are not a “real” woman. And, it’s not men who are judging us. We do this to each other. It needs to stop. NOW. As usual, I have more questions than answers:

Why is this even a goal? I’ve spent the last 21 years hoping by the time our daughter was old enough to hold a full time job, marry, and start a family, the environment in America would be conducive to parenting while working full time. It isn’t and I don’t think it will be in my lifetime. Do we really need government policies that force companies to not fire a woman for taking time off to give birth and recover from it? Apparently so: FMLA. Now why would any company do that? Work for women is not a luxury. If we have to legislate to keep women employed, how about policies more like the ones in Great Britain ? When I gave birth to our daughter, I took a 12 week maternity leave. I saved up my sick days and rolled over my vacation days for two years in order to be paid for most of that time off. I trained someone to fill in for me while I was out, but mostly I trained him to call me when he had questions so I could log these calls and prove the company needed me to return. Yes. I’m one radioactive spider bite away from being a super villain.

Why do we assume women want to marry? I blame the media. I had this conversation with a couple of female friends on different occasions recently and both of them were hard pressed to come up with reasons why their daughters should marry their current boyfriends. We all finally landed on the African proverb, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Marriage encourages couples to work out their problems and stay together. Relationships are hard. They require you to put the interests of your mate ahead of your own. Not every woman is willing to do that, nor should society expect her to.

Why do we assume women want to have children? Sometimes looking at Facebook feels like watching a mommy contest. I see posts of locally sourced organic meals served to the entire team after the pee-wee ballgame accompanied by a comment about rushing off to answer work emails after her player is in bed. I’m exhausted just reading it. If you’ve got one foot on the corporate ladder and one foot in the kitchen, you’re doing the splits, and that gets real painful, real fast. How do you excel at either one? As a society, we need to stop asking women why they don’t have children. Personal reproductive choices are no one’s business.

Is work-life balance an illusion? So you have to work and you want to have children. Why do women feel guilty for getting help? Why is it shameful to have a cleaning lady? What is wrong with hiring a full-time baby sitter? Why can’t a husband be the primary care-giver? Are women just control freaks? Do you want to control both doctor’s appointments and staff meetings? Why does childcare cost so much? How do we stop hiring managers from looking at women of child bearing age during interviews and think to themselves, “I wonder how long she  will be on the job before she gets pregnant?” Now that I’m past child bearing years, I have advanced faster in my career since my daughter started college than in her lifetime up to now.

Do you teach your daughters to plan their futures? Have you laid out a schedule for them? For example, “Okay honey, here’s what you do. After high school, go to college. Graduate in four years with a Bachelor’s degree then get an entry level position at a corporation. Work there for three years and get promoted. Work three more years, then get married. After three years of marriage, get promoted to manager, then have your first child.” This makes your daughters about 30 years old when they have their first child, by the way. Why do you even have to contemplate giving this kind of controlling counsel to your daughters? Does it even occur to you to give that same advice to your sons? What skills should you teach your daughters to cope with trying to have it all? Should you warn them that their choices will involve sacrifice? For example: You can have both a career and kids, but both will suffer. How are women ever going to achieve equal pay for equal work if we can’t work? How do we promote more women to the C-Suite if we are penalized for child-bearing?

Share your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences here:

Can You Keep a Secret?

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Maybe you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and overheard something you wish you hadn’t. Maybe you received an email that wasn’t meant for you. However it happened, now you know something about a coworker you wish you could forget. So unless you can perform Gilderoy Lockhart’s Memory Charm on yourself, here are four suggestions on how to keep a secret:

Don’t Think About It: If it’s in your head it’s likely to come out of your mouth. Put it out of your mind especially when the coworker in question is around. Do something that diverts your attention: Go to the ladies room, work on the next client presentation, proofread the activity report, watch a puppy video. Whatever the secret is will burden her and there’s nothing she can do about it right now. It isn’t your place to tell her, so don’t. You may feel sorry for her, protective of her, outraged for her, but don’t let your non-verbals betray you. It won’t be a secret forever. When it comes to light, THAT is the time to release your emotions. Until then, keep them in check.

Don’t Tell Other People: You’re not supposed to have this information, so pretend you don’t. If another coworker suspects something and asks you to confirm or deny, don’t fall for it. Juicy gossip is tempting, but almost always hurtful and not just to your coworker. Oprah Winfrey says, “When someone talks to you about other people, know that they’re talking about you behind your back, too.” The last thing you need is a reputation for gossip. You want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Do Be Helpful: A member of your team is being attacked. Part of your job is to protect the team (think Michael Oher in Blindside). If the attack is unjust, then there should be evidence that your coworker is a good employee. Have you received emails congratulating the team on a job well done? Flag them for future reference. Did a customer tell you he appreciated your coworker’s help? Ask him to email the manager his comment. Building people up not only helps them, but also makes you look good.

Do Be There For The Big Reveal: The thing about office secrets is they don’t stay secret for long. Not even in Vegas. So after this secret is revealed, be a support to your coworker. A chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link and right now your weakest link is your coworker. It’s in your best interest to not let the team falter because of this distraction. If the criticism is founded, gently identify how she got into this mess, figure out how to prevent it from happening again, then encourage her and the rest of the team to rally and repair any damage. If the criticism is not founded, now is the time to remind her of what she’s doing right, stay focused, and in the immortal words of Taylor Swift, “shake it off.”

Have you had to keep a secret at work? Share your story here: