Mardi Humphreys

Thanks Mom!

My mom once said to me, “I feel like I taught you how to be a good mother, but not a good wife.” I hope my husband disagrees with her on that point, but what I know for sure is she taught me how to be a good human. I apply her lessons to my roles as mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, etc., everyday. I’m surprised how often Mom’s wisdom pops into my head at work. As Mother’s Day approaches, here is some of that wisdom:

People Come First – Mom was 18 years old when I was born. I was an unplanned pregnancy. She could have chosen not to have me. Instead, she raised me while going to college, getting her degree, then working as a nurse. Watching her journey, I decided to wait until I was 30 years old to become a mom. Yes, I watched her life and judged her choices. Your life and choices are being judged too; at your job. Do you put the interests of the company ahead of your own, or do you do as little as possible because that’s all you think it deserves? Do you enable the team’s success, or do you look for ways to take credit for the team’s work? Your manager will make decisions regarding your job performance based both on what you do and what you don’t do. The best practice is to both make sure your manager knows you “took one for the team,” and share credit for the success of the project with the team. Mom put my life ahead of hers. She teaches me that people come first.

Pick Your Battles – My Grandmother turns 90 years old this month and her health is fading. She lives on her own and Mom and my uncle share the responsibility of helping her stay in her house. They sometimes disagree on the best way to handle situations. Sometimes my mother chooses not to fight a battle that, in her place, I would choose to fight. Sometimes she lets my uncle take the lead and handle the task. I was reminded of this recently at the office. I kept getting frustrated with a colleague’s work. I thought, “Why does he do that? “Why doesn’t he do this?” Then I realized my circumstance was very similar to Mom and my uncle taking care of my grandmother. I chose to follow Mom’s lead and not only let the coworker do his job, but also offered to help. He took me up on the offer, which was a lesson in humility, but that is another blog for another time. Anyway, does this sound familiar? Do you have associates that can use your help instead of your criticism? Mom trains me to pick my battles.

Always Choose Generosity – Mom has a friend who is fighting cancer. She spends almost five hours every other week with this friend as she undergoes immunotherapy. Every Easter, Mom and her Sunday school class make “Widow Baskets.” These are filled with goodies they purchase like candy, lotions, and gift cards, then deliver to widowed ladies from her class. Mom volunteers tutoring students ages elementary through High School who need one-on-one attention in a quiet area in order to learn. I could go on, but I’m running out of space here. Does she reap any rewards from this generosity? Yes. People, particularly her Sunday school class, show their appreciation. But that’s not why she does all the things she does. Because she is a Christian, Mom always chooses generosity. At work, look for ways to be generous. Stop typing and listen when your cubicle mate is upset. Help colleagues with projects that are in your wheelhouse. Encourage your coworkers when they are struggling. Is someone’s mom sick? Set a task on your calendar to ask him about her once a week. Compliment your boss on a job well done. Use your company’s employee incentive program to reward team members for helping you. Generosity actually benefits you. People are more likely to help you when, in the past, you’ve helped them. Mom’s example inspires me to always choose generosity.

Be So Good At What You Do That You Are Impossible To Ignore – Mom is a life long learner. I vividly remember as a kid sitting at a desk in our kitchen with a blue colored pencil in my hand tracing veins in a picture of a human skull in Mom’s Grey’s Anatomy Coloring Book. She studied it for one of her nursing classes. Mom loves The Bible and has spent the years since her retirement from nursing studying it. She is also a natural leader. She is a wise communicator with both listening and speaking skills. This combination made her the obvious choice to permanently teach her Sunday school class when the need arose. Also, because of her years of training, Mom has a steady stream of women 40 – 50 years younger than she is asking her to disciple them. Her example taught me to hone my skills, work hard, and produce results. It’s difficult to be a woman in the workplace, but results are genderless. If sales are up 12% because of your efforts, the boss isn’t thinking about whether you are male or female. Be the Subject Matter Expert at something at your job: PowerPoint, customer service, patient follow up, whatever your passion is. If you to study it, practice it, and be the best you can be at it, others (your current employer or your next one) will pursue you. Mom proves you should be so good at what you do that you are impossible to ignore.

It’s Good To Have Hope – Mom has fibromyalgia. This makes every day unpredictable. Stuff gets on her nerves. Literally. She finds ways to cope like art journaling which has garnered her some attention and fans. What began as a coping mechanism has given her opportunity to show others how to use it as a creative outlet. When she faces a difficult day, she moves through it trusting God and hoping tomorrow will be better. She relies on one of my grandmother’s sayings: This too shall pass (again, another blog for another time). Mom’s approach teaches me to keep going and not give up. Don’t you throw in the towel either. Keep going to work. Keep looking for ways to improve process, to please the client, to give value to the customer. Whatever you do for a living, put in the effort and know it will eventually pay off and probably not in the way you expect. Mom shows me that none of us know what the day ahead will bring, but it is definitely more pleasant if you face it with a positive attitude. Mom knows it’s good to have hope.

What about you? What lessons did your mom teach you? Please share them with me here:

Who’s the Boss?

When I got my first “big girl” job after graduating college, I had one supervisor. She was the boss. She gave me my schedule, my paycheck, and approved my vacation. In the 11 years I worked for that company, it transferred ownership a couple of times and was restructured three or four times. I got passed around to different departments, but always had one person to whom I answered. Fast forward a few years: I was hired to work for a church who cobbled together a full-time administrative assistant position out of two part-time administrative assistant positions. I reported to two supervisors of completely different ministries and things got complicated. Robert Sutton, professor of Management Science and Engineering at Stanford University and author of Good Boss, Bad Boss*, says, “as you go to a matrixed structure, you can easily have between one and seven immediate supervisors.” If this is your situation, here are three suggestions:

Organize: Be ahead of the workload. Take good notes. Keep your calendar updated. Color code assignments. Revisit flagged emails weekly. Are there production goals you need to meet? Are there sales goals for which you are responsible? Do you know what your KPIs (Key Performance Indicators) are? Find out what your managers’ priorities are. Write them down if you have to and refer to the list when choosing how to spend your time. Projects usually take longer than you anticipate, so leave yourself margin whenever possible. Over promising and/or under delivering quickly gives you a bad reputation. If you get to set a deadline, forecast completion of the project a day after you think you will actually complete it.

Communicate: Meet with each manager weekly to discuss expectations, priorities, deadlines, short term and long term projects, and what you are doing for your other managers. This may seem like overkill, but when you report to more than one supervisor, it’s almost impossible to communicate too much. Be vigilant with follow up. Create a shared spreadsheet listing your projects for each manager so all of them can see it. If you work for managers who do not work out of the same office as you, they will wonder how you spend your time. When they are stressed about one of your projects, convey a sense of urgency. Email regular updates regarding your activity. Even if it’s just a couple of lines at the end of the day, “Here is a list of the steps I took to complete your project today.” If your time is billed to multiple clients you need to do this anyway, so it’s really not extra work. If you fail (IE: didn’t meet goal, missed a hard deadline, etc.), don’t wait to be called to the carpet for it. Be proactive. Go to the manager, tell her you screwed up, and why. Then tell her how you plan to fix it and your trigger to avoid making the mistake again. Are your managers competitors? Don’t talk negatively to one about the others. If they bait you, ask: “If I tell you what Manager X and I spoke of in confidence, how will you ever trust me not to talk to Manager X about what you and I talk about in confidence?”

Prioritize: There are 168 hours in a week. Even if you work all of them, it’s unlikely you can get everything done for everyone. Do you work on the projects you like best first? These may not be the projects your managers want done first. If you ask them to prioritize your projects and they say all the projects need to be done, refer them to your previously mentioned spreadsheet and say, “As you can see, I have A, B, and C all due for you today, as well as projects due for Manager X. Of A, B, or C, which one is the most important to you?” If you don’t receive a clear response, complete a task you know is important to him. Send an email informing him you completed the task, and ask him what he wants you to do next. If you consistently do this, it will become a painless habit for both you and your supervisors. When your managers’ plans for you conflict, use an email thread, conference call, or meeting to get everyone on the same page of your shared spreadsheet (see how handy this is?). If all this doesn’t work, determine who the Elvis is and finish his projects first. The Elvis is the manager who is ultimately responsible for you – the one who does your performance reviews is probably him. At the end of the day, this is the manager you need to be most loyal to if forced to choose.

Do you work for more than one supervisor? Use the form below to tell me some of your coping strategies.

*Copyright@2010 by Robert I. Sutton

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

Awkward: The word that best describes the time period between a coworker’s dismissal and his departure. Even if it’s someone you don’t like, you wouldn’t wish job loss on anyone. Restructuring happens. Downsizing happens. Finding out someone’s role is eliminated makes you realize it can happen to you. It’s scary. It makes it hard to concentrate and do your job well. Not doing your job well puts you in danger of losing it, creating a vicious circle. You can’t control the corporate machine, but here are some things you can control:

The Obvious – Google what current resumes look like. If you haven’t had to search for a job for a few years, you may be in for a rude awakening. Employers want the story of your career in numbers, so you need to quantify yourself: How much revenue do you generate for your company? How much time have you saved your company through process improvement? Quantifying your job performance in percentages can be tricky if you are in an administrative role. You may have to get a bit creative. Can you quantify how much time you saved your supervisor? Can you quantify how much money you saved the company through frugal purchasing? You no longer have to put every job you ever held on your resume. Hiring managers only want to see your experience relevant to the job they need to fill. So, first create a master resume with every job you’ve ever had including dates, supervisors’ names and titles, the previously mentioned quantified percentages, referrals and contact information. Then, revisit it every six months to update any outdated information. If it becomes necessary for you to apply for a job, you can easily cherry pick the relevant experience from this document and create a fresh resume tailored specifically to the job for which you are applying.
Don’t forget the cover letter. Plenty of job coaches are on the fence about whether or not the cover letter is dead, but most agree it doesn’t hurt your chances if you send one. Polish yours, then save it as a template. Make it a marketing piece that tempts a hiring manager to read your resume. Hopefully, you won’t need it for a while, so leave notes for yourself in it. For example: include several ways to contact you; at least your email address and phone number in the signature block. Leave a note to yourself in the greeting to go to LinkedIn and find out the hiring manager’s name. In the body, leave a note to yourself to choose three key phrases from the job description then give examples of how your experience fills those needs using the quantifying percentages from your master resume. If you unexpectedly lose your job, just having a foundation to build on can calm your panic.

The Not so Obvious – Get on a job posting website and check out positions that interest you and companies at which you’d like to work. Check out the job descriptions. Do you have the skills to do the jobs that interest you ? If you don’t, go get them. With Massive Online Open Courses (MOOL), there’s no excuse not to have up to date skills. And yes, I’m putting my money where my mouth is (or where my fingers are, in this case). I took an online Introduction to Financial Accounting class from The Wharton School of Business through a MOOL. It’s not only on my resume, but also on my performance review.
Join LinkedIn. Do more than fill out your profile and upload a picture. If you need advice on how to use LinkedIn, search your public library’s database for a how-to book and check it out. While you wait for the book, read this article: https://www.themuse.com/advice/9-surefire-ways-to-boost-your-linkedin-profile-when-you-only-have-10-minutes
Network. This can solidify your current position as well as help you make connections in case you need to quickly find out who is hiring. Does your employer participate in networking groups? Wrangle an invitation or offer to manage your company’s table at the next event. You can pass out business cards and collect them for your own future use while simultaneously promoting your company. And don’t forget to follow up with new contacts on LinkedIn.
Do you know someone who has suffered job loss and bounced back into a new position? Buy her a cup of coffee and ask how she did it. Most people like telling their stories and smart people listen. Ask if in hindsight she knew the elimination was coming, what would she have done to prepare? When she gives you suggestions, do them.

Get a Side Gig – Take on an additional (part time) job, or a find a side hustle. At the very least, you’ll feel like you have some control over your destiny, and you’ll have a bit of income to fall back on if the worst happens. If the worst doesn’t happen, you’ll have a little extra cash; which leads me to my next point…

Save Your Money – This is not the time to purchase luxuries. Take this opportunity to pay down debt. Every month make an extra payment on your: car, credit card, student loan, mortgage (Get the idea?). Being debt free gives you so many options and peace of mind. No debt? Congratulations! Put the earnings from your side gig in your IRA. You DO have an Individual Retirement Account, right?

Keep Calm and… During uncertain times, you need to keep your wits about you. You can’t do that in panic mode. Need help getting down off the ledge? Grab your notebook (paper or computer) and start writing. Here are some prompts: What exactly are you afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? Seeing the words in front of you not only gives the feelings less power, it helps you form a plan. Then go for a walk, run, swim, yoga class, spin class or whatever. Do something to get your body and endorphins moving. Wear your body out to lower your stress so you can think more clearly.

Do Your Best Work – The company is going to do what the company needs to do. You cannot control that. The only insurance you can give yourself is to be the best at your job. Don’t give up. You’ll either keep your job or you won’t. And if you don’t, you’ll want to use your manager and coworkers as references. Let them be able to honestly tell your next hiring manager that you have enough emotional intelligence to show grace under pressure.

Please share your stories of living with job insecurity here:

Let’s Talk About Sex(ism)

Warning: Heavier subject matter than usual.

Phrases my friends have heard men say out loud in their offices in 2018: “Jim doesn’t realize he’s talking to a woman.” “She’s in charge (insert eye roll here).” “Joe doesn’t know how to talk to women.” “Give it to the office girl.” (Side note, the office girl is over 50 years old and is the speaker’s supervisor.) Do they not hear themselves? Do they not get it? Do they not care?

Most men would tell you they are not sexist because they sincerely believe they aren’t. Here’s an interesting (and scary) article about unconscious sexism: https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2016/12/14/no-man-is-above-unconscious-gender-bias-in-the-workplace-its-unconscious/#2dc4e1d612b4. Take the last United States’ Presidential campaign for example. During a stop in Virginia in February 2016, The governor of my state, John Kaisch, said, “And how did I get elected? Nobody was, I didn’t have anybody for me. We just got an army of people who, um, and many women, who left their kitchens to go out and go door-to-door and to put yard signs up for me,” (http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/22/politics/john-kasich-women-kitchen/). When female voters protested the women-leaving-their-kitchens comment, he said he intended no offense, if you listened to his whole speech you’d understand the context, and “Everybody’s just got to relax.” While we’re on the topic of sexist comments by men in government, let me just state the obvious and get it out of the way: President Trump. Enough said. I’m pulling a Mick Jagger. “If you start me up I’ll never stop.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I’ve just got to relax. If a female gets offended by a sexist comment made by a male coworker, we are told it’s because we aren’t chill, we didn’t understand what he meant, or we have no sense of humor. Getting offended and pointing it out eventually renders anything we say ineffective. In nearly every job I’ve held so far, I’ve had to decide how much standing up for my gender will cost me. My most extreme example: One of my supervisors used me as a scapegoat to chronically spend over budget, took my ideas for his own, then nicknamed me Pandora for asking too many questions. It’s difficult to just relax when the industry’s general consensus is a woman’s career is not as important as a man’s career.

My biggest angst is how to prepare our daughter for this reality. When she was born 21 years ago, I really hoped by now sexism would no longer be an issue. But just in case, I intentionally pushed to name her Casey, or another gender ambiguous name, so that when hiring managers saw her resume they could not possibly know what gender she is before they saw her. That coupled with the fact her resume lists her position on her university’s power lifting team REALLY confuses hiring managers. One came to the lobby to bring her back for an interview, looked right at her, then asked his administrative assistant if Casey Humphreys had shown up yet. Casey said, “That’s me.” After looking over her resume, he expected to find a muscular young man sitting in his lobby, not a petite young woman.

I usually have some encouragement for you at this point in the post, but this week, all I have are questions. Little questions like: When do you speak up? When do you shut up? Is there any point in saying you’re offended? Is any change going to take place if you do? Should you keep hitting your head against this wall? Then there are the huge questions: What are your coping strategies? Has speaking up kept you from advancement? What do you tell your daughters?

Please tell me your stories here:

Keep it Kind

Associate of the Quarter — Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

For a year, I was employed part time for HomeGoods in addition to my full time job. Why? For the money, the distraction, and because I grew extremely fond of the people with whom I worked. During a seven day week, I put in about 20 hours. Spending this much time at the store introduced me to tons of people and the experience was heady. I never met so many interesting individuals gathered in one place: married, single, younger, older, poor, well-off, sick, healthy, educated, trying-to-get educated, shy, exhibitionist. They had so many stories to tell and I had so much time to listen while we categorized a thousand and one throw pillows by color. Culturally, at the time, kindness was trending. So I decided early on to make this job an experiment in kindness. Could I be kind to every person I encountered: managers, teammates, customers? If I did, how would I measure success? Would this be an experiment everyone could do? The answer came quickly and blew my mind. Here is what you can do and what I did:

For Your Managers: Show up on time and do what they ask you to do. I checked out resources, like the merchandising handbook, on my breaks and studied them. I let them know I used some of my vacation time from my full time job to support the store during holiday seasons. I adopted an “it’s easier to be forgiven than approved” attitude. Like Philip McKernan says, “In the absence of clarity, take action.” In order to learn, I offered to do things (returns, merchandising, etc) beyond my job description until someone higher up than me told me I didn’t have the authority to do it.

For Your Teammates: Listen to them and ask follow up questions. Do the tasks others don’t want to do – within reason. For example: I didn’t judge and I pretended not to be shocked by anything they said. (“Are your decisions getting you what you want out of life? L’chaim.”) When a chronically complaining coworker started up, I spun her complaint into a compliment. When a high maintenance customer overwhelmed a new associate, I offered assistance. When an associate felt stuck in her position and wanted to move up, we discussed resume writing and networking. When an associate was grappling with another job opportunity, we talked about the pros and cons of retail life vs. office life. I set boundaries like time limits for listening and offering a choice to unmotivated teammates: “Here are two things we need to do right now. Which one do you want? I’ll do the one you don’t want to do.” (Please excuse the overuse of “I” in this post. I couldn’t think of another way to give real-life illustrations.) Bottom line: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

For Your Customers: They are always more important than the task. Take the time to serve them. Here are some things that happened to me: A grumpy older man wanted to use a dolly (which is forbidden by the company) to haul a Christmas mailbox from the back of the store to the front. I offered to do it. When he said, “Are you going to pay for it when you drop it?” I said, “Sir, your confidence in me is underwhelming,” and hauled the mailbox. Sassy? Yes. Disrespectful? Not quite. Another customer pulled out a dozen throw pillows, trying to decide which three to purchase. I put them in a cart and took them over to a couch the color she was trying to match and we spent twenty minutes choosing the perfect ones. Another customer asked for help finding sheets and every option I pulled for her either was not the right thread count, or not the right size, or did not include enough pillow cases, or was too expensive, etc. I did not kill her.

I had to give up HomeGoods when my full time job began to require more flexibility in my schedule. The results of the kindness experiment have stuck with me and, I think, made me better at my full time job. The first result was a realization that my age is finally coming in handy. I was used to being the youngest person in the group. But at the store, I was one of the oldest. I was depressed at first, but tried to roll with it. I mean, what’s the alternative? Death? The second result was that the challenge of finding ways to be kind to everyone I came in contact with at the store energized me. I found I could work 60 or so hours a week and still function. The final result was the most unexpected. Two months into my employment, it was time to choose the Associate of the Quarter. The majority of my teammates voted for me. Their kindness flatters me even now. I received my name on a plaque, a framed certificate, a visit from the district manager, and a gift card. But the real gift they gave me was practice communicating with customers, teammates, and management. Kindness as a communication strategy. Brilliant. Thank you teammates for the valuable lesson!

How about you? Ever find yourself in a situation where you can choose to either invest in people or just keep to yourself? What did you do? Are you happy with your decision? Tell me about it here:

Be a Great CSR – Even if You’re Not

One afternoon last week at work, my manager was distressed as she hung up the phone. She’d received a call from a customer with whom she’d been playing phone tag. He’d contacted our call center the week prior and the CSR (Customer Service Representative) could not help him so she notified several Program Managers (PM) detailing this customer’s issue. After several days with no resolution, my manager contacted the customer to determine whom was the correct person to help him. She did this knowing full well she was not that person. She was distressed because now the customer was needlessly frustrated. My manager determined which PM could help the customer and got the ball rolling in the right direction for him. My manager is a PM, but she demonstrated for everyone in our office how important customer service is. If customer service is not officially in your job description, here is why you should learn to do it anyway:

It May Not Be Your Job, But It IS Your Business – Even if you do not deal directly with customers you have a supervisor (even C-Suite employees have a board to whom they are accountable). This supervisor is actually your customer because your job is “At-Will” (Google “At-Will employment). Start thinking of your supervisor as a customer. I’ve worked at a television station, retail stores, schools, churches, and corporate offices. In all these jobs, I had managers. When I started treating them like they were a customer paying me for the skills I brought to my position, it changed the game. My attitude changed which made them react differently to me. You can use customer service skills in just about every job you’ll ever have. It adds value to whatever position you hold in a company.

What? Like It’s Hard? – Whether you sell a product or a service, people are what keep you in a job. It’s in your best interest to help them. With companies using fewer people to do more work, it behooves you to learn how to be nice. Most people think of complainers when they think of customer service and you definitely get those. First just stay quiet and let him talk. Soon, like a crying baby, he will wear himself out and you can get a word in. At that point, offer sympathy and tell him what action you intend to take on his behalf even if it’s just, “Let me talk to my manager and see what I can find out for you.”. A gentle answer turns away wrath most of the time. People usually just want to be heard. Then, they want to know someone is doing something about their problem. I was in a situation where I needed a prescription filled and had no clue there were restrictions on it. Luckily, the Pharmacy tech was fabulous at customer service. She told me if I could wait a day and come back, she would contact both my insurance company and my doctor’s office and figure out how to work within the restrictions. She even called me less than 24 hours after my first visit to update me on her progress. That made my second trip to the pharmacy in as many days much more pleasant. (Thank you, Michelle!)

Life Is All About Relationships – Customer service is simply getting along. The same skills you learned to get along with your college roommate, or church baseball teammates, or the people you volunteer with at your local Metropark, are the same skills you use in customer service. Let the customer know you are on his side. Your attitude should be: We are in this situation together. How can we get a win for everyone involved? It’s also about communication. Even if nothing can be done to fully satisfy the customer, an explanation and an empathetic apology is an acceptable answer.

It Benefits You – Customer service is a valuable transferable “soft” skill. When you help people, you gain a reputation as a problem solver. And problem solvers are indispensable in any organization. If someone you’ve helped is really grateful and says something like, “It’s been great working with you” or “You’ve been so helpful” and you feel it’s appropriate, let him know that a couple of sentences sent to your supervisor (and copied to you) in an email would be greatly appreciated. That way both you and your supervisor know how much you bring to the table. Put these emails in a folder and bring them out at performance review time. Remember: The more people you help, the larger your network gets. You never know what connections you can make or from where your next job will come. You may help the husband of a manager of the company for whom you want to work, and when she’s looking for someone special and talking to him about it on a dinner date, he might remember you and jump start your next opportunity.

How does customer service come into play in your job? Share your story here:

The American Dream?

I was surprised (and mildly amused) by the pushback my husband and I received for selling our house and renting an apartment. We’d been kicking around the idea of downsizing since our daughter’s high school graduation party. Two years later houses in our neighborhood were in high demand and our conversations grew more urgent. One minute it was, “Let’s just call our realtor and chat,” and the next thing we knew she put a For Sale sign in the front yard. “That escalated quickly,” we thought. The house sold sixty hours after it was listed.

Since I’d been planning this escape for two years, I was ready to go, but my husband and daughter were a little nervous about the situation we now faced: We had a month to vacate and find somewhere else to live. Our daughter was a college student who kinda lived at home and kinda didn’t, so did she need a room with us? It was a sellers’ market. We wanted the next property we purchased to be the last property we purchased. Given these parameters, we decided buying another house at that time was not the wise choice. We found a very nice apartment home community with a very nice, very affordable unit for rent. It had the same number of bedrooms and bathrooms our house had. The only spaces we gave up were a basement and half a garage.

The funny looks began shortly after move in along with the questions: “Why did you sell your house?” “Why didn’t you buy another one?” “Do you need money?” The general perception was we could not afford our mortgage and had to sell. For example: People knew our daughter attended a private college. What they didn’t know is how many scholarships, grants, and awards she’d earned. People knew that in addition to my full-time job, I had a side gig at a local HomeGoods. What they didn’t know was why I did it: I wanted to stay busy. If I was busy, I didn’t have time to worry about what the aforementioned college student was doing.

Selling the house made us renegades. Like we spat in the face of the American Dream of home ownership. But is the dream turning into a nightmare? Take a mortgage for example: If you don’t put 20% down on a house, you have to pay private mortgage insurance (PMI). According to Zillow, the median price of a house in Dayton, Ohio (where we live), was $54,000. So you needed to put $10,980 down to avoid paying PMI. Okay, but did you want to live in a $54,000 home in Dayton Ohio? Mortgages can last 15, 30, or even 40 years. How old will you be in 40 years? If you paid a mortgage that long, you might as well pay rent and get the added benefits of living in an apartment community instead. I thought there were major tax benefits for home ownership, but after some quick Googling, I discovered the federal government giveth and the local government taketh away. Most people assume it’s more expensive to rent than to own. My husband crunched the numbers after three months of apartment living and found it indeed was more expensive. It cost us $3.07 more a month. Worth. It.

Honestly, we were not happy homeowners. We’d become “those” people – “Get off my lawn!” The number of houses for rent in our neighborhood increased. The public school system put a bus stop in front of our house. Major home repairs loomed. We got out while we could and have no regrets. Recently, when friends told me they spent their last two weekends on home improvement projects then asked me what I did, I responded, “Read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban again.” There is no grass mowing, no snow shoveling, no taking time off work to wait for a plumber. There are no HVAC, roof, or driveway replacement costs. I send an email and like a fairy godmother, maintenance comes while I’m at work and fixes stuff. No more gym or pool membership fees.

How long will we rent? We don’t know. We will make that decision when the market turns back around in favor of the buyer. We may never own property again. Do you think owning a house is still the American dream? Do you think it’s a good investment? Have you downsized? If so, are you glad you did? Tell me about it here:

Busting Office Bullies

Did you get bullied in school? What is called bullying now used to be called, “Boys will be boys,” when I was in elementary. Or “He only throws snowballs at your head because he likes you.” Most of those snowball throwers have grown up and gotten jobs. Maybe one works in your office and instead of throwing snowballs, he’s throwing shade. Or maybe he’s putting tasks on your list that he doesn’t want to do. If you need to stand up to an office bully, here are some things you can do:

Be Assertive: Treat him the way you want to be treated. Show him how to behave by behaving yourself. Be kind. Don’t give him dirty looks or insult him or point out his flaws even if he does those things to you. If he escalates, tell him his behavior is not office appropriate. If he uses the old, “Can’t you take a joke?” line, feel free to hit back with, “Sure. When are you going to tell one?” The longer you let a bully go unchecked, the quicker he assumes you are an acceptable target.

Establish Boundaries and Hold Them: Ignore him, let it go, act like he’s not talking to you, then pick your battles and stand your ground. Realize that you will have to fight at least once, so chose carefully. Once a bully knows you will get back up after he knocks you down, knocking you down becomes work and let’s face it, if he had enough work to do, he wouldn’t have time to bully you. For example: Did he ask you to make a cold call for him? Did you turn it into a sale? Do you give it back to him or can you keep it? Is this a decision your Sales Manager can make? Once you start negatively impacting his paycheck, he’ll think twice about whether pushing you around is worth it.

Those Who Can Do. Those Who Can’t Gossip: This isn’t high school, although being bullied might feel like it. When you’ve had enough, confront him. Don’t talk about him behind his back. Don’t be an office gossip and don’t get a reputation for being one. Handle your business. Adulting is hard. If you are afraid of how he’ll react to a confrontation, (a gentle conversation mind you, not a yelling match or an accusation) well, you don’t like how he treats you when you don’t confront him so you’ve really got nothing to lose now do you?

He’s Not Always Wrong: He was hired for a reason and he hasn’t been fired. Yet. So he must be good at something even if it’s just brown-nosing the boss. Don’t habitually discount his ideas and contributions to the company. A manager will overlook a lot if the employee is a rainmaker. You don’t have to like him, you just have to work with him. Getting along may mean leaving each other alone as much as possible. When he has a request think about how you’d feel about doing it for someone else. If a colleague you respected asked you to do it, would it be a problem? If not, do it. If so, throw it back at him with an pseudo apology, “Sorry. Project X is taking all my attention. I’m sure you’ll find time to send those emails.”

I used male pronouns in all my examples above, but I realize female bullies have jobs too. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle work bullies? Tell me about it here:

Manners Matter

While driving to my Grandmother’s house, a “gentleman” abruptly pulled out in front of our car. My husband debated whether or not to express his displeasure. I said, “How rude!” (I know, I know, I need to cut back on the Full House reruns.) This started a conversation about how people seem to be much more discourteous now than we used to be. I felt very old talking about it (“What’s the matter with kids today?”) We wondered: Is it true? Are people more thoughtless now than we used to be? And, if so: Why? Is it characteristic of our entitlement society? Is it the lack of personal filtering on social media? Whatever the cause, people with manners are becoming an endangered species. If you are one of them, it may frustrate you as a driver, but it makes you a desirable employee. Here’s how to make your good manners pay off:

Go Back to the Basics
Workplaces have grown more casual over the past few years. While in some respects this is good, it has also promoted an environment of acceptable inconsideration. Buck that trend. Say please and thank you. Don’t interrupt when someone is speaking. Don’t talk with your mouth full of food. Act on the assumption that you cannot over thank your colleagues. For example: Our company uses an employee recognition platform that assigns us thousands of points to give to one another via a website when we help each other. The points add up to earn rewards such as gift cards or lunch with the CEO. I have the website bookmarked so when someone assists me I can easily give them some points. An added benefit: That person is happy to help me when I need them again.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Everyone has boundaries. If you work in cubicles, don’t just walk into someone else’s. Say, “Hello?” Or “Knock, knock,” or something to announce yourself. If you have a break room, don’t heat up last night’s leftover halibut without asking the people sitting there if it’s a problem. Do you usually put your phone on speaker? Let the person on the other end know. Do you forward other people’s emails? Ask permission first. Do you favor colorful curse words? Expand your vocabulary and avoid them at work (unless that’s part of your company’s culture code). Do you work with people from backgrounds different than yours? Don’t assume your communication style is the same. Many cultures’ business communications are more formal than America’s. If you initiate these practices, others will follow suit. You will not only be perceived as a leader, but also as emotionally intelligent. These are two qualities highly sought by potential employers.

You Don’t Have to Say Everything You Think
The immediacy of social media allows us to forget to use filters that make us stop and think before we speak or like or hit send. It also encourages us to voice our opinion on everyone else’s opinions. Before commenting, take a millisecond and ask yourself: Is what I’m about to say/write true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and/or kind? Social media also makes me feel like I need all my questions answered immediately. I really don’t and I especially dislike bothering my manager every time I have one. So, I’ve come up with this system: I sit at a transaction desk positioned next to the only entrance/exit to the whole office. Since my manager has to walk right by me to go to the ladies’ room, lunch, etc., I’ve gotten into the habit of putting paperwork or questions on the high shelf of my desk and she is now in the habit of checking it every time she walks by. This way I’m not interrupting her every fifteen minutes for non-emergency issues and often by the time she walks by, I’ve found the answer on my own. That’s my way, maybe yours is to send one email with three issues in it or meet with your manager for five minutes half way through the day. Find a consistent technique that works for you. Being considerate in what you say, as well as what you don’t say, makes you stand out in a good way.

The Golden Rule
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In business this moves from, “If you be nice to me, I’ll be nice to you”, to “If you do my pivot table for me, I’ll enter your QC data for you.” When you shift beyond coworkers to clients and customers, this becomes more than just being kind to other human beings, this is survival. Kindness can make clients loyal. Kindness can make customers buy more of your product or service and tell their friends to buy them too. If we get our ethics right, we build a reputation clients and customers want to share.

The bottom line is the Dalai Lama is right: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” What are your thoughts on manners at work? Is your workplace so casual manners don’t matter? Or so formal it’s stifling? Do you see a cause and effect? Can you give me some real world examples of when manners mattered? Please tell me about them using the form below.

Get Into the Groove of Gratitude

positive vibes only — Photo by Dom J from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/notebook-writing-pencil-start-45718/

For five years I kept a jumbo sized coffee can on top of the refrigerator and called it the “Blessings Jar.” For five years I occasionally dropped a scrap of paper with a blessing written on it into the container. Each member of the family was supposed to do the same. Then on New Year’s Day, I’d spread the scraps of paper on the dining room table and everyone could remember how God had blessed us during the previous year. For five years I was the only one who consistently contributed scraps of paper to the ginormous coffee can gathering dust on top of the refrigerator. The last year we did this, I found 11 scraps of paper; all written by me. That’s when I knew the Blessings Jar had to go.

Not a big deal. If I’m the only one in the house who needs help remembering God’s faithfulness throughout the year, then I can do it in something that doesn’t require dusting. Our daughter was disappointed the Blessings Jar retired, but I suggested we each record our blessings in something smaller and more private. That way there is no pressure or public shaming if one of us chose not to participate. Consequently, my Gratitude Journal was born. It was supposed to be like the 100 Happy Days on Facebook without the guilt. I mean come on, doesn’t everyone give up before reaching Day 50? At any rate, here is what I do and how it has influenced me so far.

The Rules:

Every morning get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and open the journal.
Write three sentences about something that happened yesterday for which I’m grateful. I write about yesterday because something could happen while I’m asleep, like the time our daughter drove home safely in a snowstorm.
Avoid negative gratitude (IE: “I’m so grateful Coworker X called in sick so I didn’t have to endure him standing at my desk and yammering at me all day.”). Although, I have said – “Grateful for a quiet day at the office.” I want to keep it positive because at the end of the year, I hope my family will read through it and see that the things I’m grateful for often include them.

The Benefits:

Beginning my day dwelling on the good things I do have prevents me from sliding into thoughts of what I do not have. It’s wise to start the day on a positive note.
Since I know I’m going to have to write something, I find myself actually looking for things throughout the day for which to be grateful.
It gives me an excuse to buy notebooks (I love notebooks – don’t know why – can’t explain it) and stickers. Yes. Stickers. When I started the Gratitude Journal, I found some just lying around and decided to use them for emphasis and now I can’t stop. Childish? Maybe, but fun and harmless so – Meh!

Maybe it’s time for you to start a Gratitude Journal. Some high profile women are enthusiastic supporters. Oprah Winfrey kept a nightly gratitude journal for ten years while doing her talk show. “You radiate and generate more goodness for yourself when you’re aware of all you have and not focusing on your have-nots,” she said. Also, Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel have a nice take on this practice in their book, We, A Manifesto For Women Everywhere (Essential Practice 1: Gratitude pages 5 – 11).

Whether you use a coffee can, a journal, or a phone app, try recording a thing or two for which you are grateful everyday. Then let me know how it affected your outlook here: