Mardi Humphreys

Undefeated

Photo by walking photographer from Pexels

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Frederick Maryat

As I mentioned last week, I do a lot of cold calling which means I get rejected. A lot. So the word resilience has been in my face lately. A lot. Merriam-Webster defines it as, “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” As usual, I have questions.

“It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Rocky Balboa

How do I get resilience? The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. Practice. As a woman in the workforce, I feel like I have plenty of opportunity to practice resiliency. From sexism (e.g. Since I’m the only woman in the meeting I must be the note taker, right?) To family responsibilities competing with work (e.g. leaving a day-long corporate meeting “early” (6:00PM) to volunteer at my daughter’s school event.). Every day seems to offer a chance to practice resiliency.

“Instead of letting your hardships and failures discourage or exhaust you, let them inspire you. Let them make you even hungrier to succeed.” Michelle Obama

Why is it important to cultivate? Because life is hard and stressful, yet we don’t assume it will be. We should be surprised when the Memorial Day tornadoes of 2019 happen, but we shouldn’t be surprised when our coworker tries to steal our lead. Again. We can’t predict all the problems life throws at us, but we can prepare our minds to process them, work through them, and maybe even use them to become stronger. When setbacks happen we can remind ourselves of our positive qualities, formulate a realistic plan to overcome the problem, manage our emotions, remain calm and breathe, think about communication and make it effective, and think of ourselves as survivors and not victims.

“You gotta get up and try, and try, and try” Pink

When I fail, how do I work through it? My best example of resiliency is our daughter flunking the road test for her driver’s license the first time she took it. There was much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth on the way home. As I selfishly thought how angry I was that I’d have to take yet another afternoon off work to let her try again, God thumped me on the head and said, “Ten years from now, it won’t matter that you took more time off work, but what you say in the next ten minutes will. Don’t screw it up.” I told her, “We’ll be home in five minutes, so you have five minutes to wallow in self-pity. Then, pick yourself up and decide what you’re going to do to fix this.” We were home about an hour when she told me she’d called a friend for consolation and found out she’d failed her first try too. She was angry enough to work on what flunked her and retake the test. My husband got off work to take her for the second try, and she passed.

Now, when I get knocked down, I follow her example: I wallow in self-pity for five minutes, talk to someone who knows what I went through, practice what I failed, then go back and try again. It works pretty well. Maybe you should give it a…try.

Please share your stories of resilience in the comments section.

I’m Freezing

Phone rings

HER: Hello. Widgets R Us. How may I direct your call?
ME: May I speak to your IT Director please?
HER: (suspicious tone) Which one? We have a department full of them.
ME: Uh…the one who does the troubleshooting
HER: (annoyed tone) They all do the troubleshooting. Hang on. I’ll see who’s back there.
ME: Thank you.

37 seconds go by. The music from final Jeopardy plays in my head.

HIM: Widgets R Us, this is Him. How can I help you?
ME: (gives elevator speech in pleasant tone)…Do you have any IT issues we can help you with?
HIM: (heavy sigh) We already have someone who does our IT. (Hangs up)

Well, THAT went well.

My cold call game stinks. Even if I make it past the gate keeper, more often than not, I have to leave a voicemail. We all know it’s a numbers game. In May, I made 22 calls, talked to 7 people, got 2 appointments and 0 jobs. Also in May, I sent 61 emails, got 24 replies, made 6 appointments, and got 3 jobs. Given that data sample I’m wondering, has the cold call been replaced by the cold email?

Pros to cold email:

The message gets right to the decision maker
They can be written and sent anytime 24/7/365
If you are a better writer than speaker, email is more comfortable
If you get a reply, you have time to stop, think, and gather intelligence on the prospect through any number of sources: LinkedIn, Google, the prospect’s website, etc.

There is one big con to cold email: it’s easily ignored. You don’t even know if it was received, much less read; unless you put a read receipt on it and that can annoy your recipient.

When cold emailing, here are some things I do:

Use as few words in the subject line as possible
Open with something or someone in common to start the conversation pleasantly
Write a sentence about a project I’m working on and how it occurred to me that his company might have the same challenge; then ask if he’d like to hear more
Carefully proofread; especially when sending more than six at a time. I look for mismatched information (e.g., Does the email address match the decision maker’s name?)
I incorporate the company’s name in the body of the message so the email is easily found in my sent folder

When I Googled, “What is better cold calling or cold emailing?” I got back a page full of blog posts and most of them suggested doing both; which makes sense to me. Sending a prospect an email gives me an excuse to call her and ask, “Did you have an opportunity to read it? Do you have any questions?”

Is this one-two punch the best option? No. Face to face is. Relationships are best built looking someone in the eye, asking her what her company does, thinking about how what my company does can help her, and brainstorming what we can accomplish together.

Do you have to make cold calls? Do you prefer cold emailing? Have you tracked data on which activity gets you better results? Please share your experience in the comments section.

Like Jogging in Three Feet of Water

Being busy is like jogging in three feet of water. We’re working hard, but not getting anywhere. When interpreted, busy usually means we just don’t:

Prioritize
Have the guts to say no
Want to do what needs done
Plan ahead
Want others to not like us if we say no

I’m guilty of all these things. Here’s what I learned.

Prioritize – I make a to-do list then don’t stop to think if the way I’m doing it is the best way to do it. Confused? Me too. (You’re imagining a caged hamster running on a wheel right now, aren’t you?) I prioritize tasks at the beginning of a work project. I seldom revise my list. Who has time to stop momentum for reflection? But reevaluating to-do lists weekly makes time to accommodate unexpected challenges that inevitably arise. This allows me to inject margin into my schedule, which is a big stress reliever.

Be brave – When I stop, observe, question, and listen, I have a better chance of putting all the pieces of the why-I’m-so-busy puzzle together. Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t like the picture the puzzle makes. At that point, I have to ask myself hard questions and answer them honestly: Why is this project so difficult? What can I do differently to achieve the results I want? Is it a big change? Do I need help? Courage to admit I don’t have all the answers can mobilize the team to push the project closer to completion.

Don’t be lazy – Google says the definition of busy is: “having a great deal to do or keep occupied” implying what we’re doing is important. What am I occupying my time with? Chatting with coworkers in the break room? I should be honest when I need a break, but I shouldn’t call it busyness and use it as an excuse to not return email.

Templates are my friends – Sometimes I can’t achieve my goal through sheer force of will. E.g., I can’t force people to buy my company’s service. What I can do is figure out the best plan to connect with potential partners by asking: How can I identify decision makers? How can I make them comfortable enough to tell me what their operational challenges are? How does what we offer relieve the pain points of their business? These questions are a universal roadmap I can follow to help any business.

Other people’s opinions – I once had a demanding coworker with a perpetual list of busy work she expected me to handle for her. Not all of her requests were out of line, but the way she requested them often was. I wanted her to like me, but not if it meant doing parts of her job for her. If it was a task she could do herself, I encouraged and empowered her to do it. (E.g.,“Oh, you need to send a package? Remember to fill out an expense report. You can get reimbursed for both shipping and mileage!”)

Saying I’m busy no longer makes me sound important, it makes me sound like I can’t handle my life.

Under what circumstances do you feel compelled to fall back on the “I’m busy” excuse? Please share in the comments section.

Tighten Up the Purse Strings

Neil Diamond sang, “Money talks, but it don’t sing and dance and it don’t walk.” Although, it can run (out of our accounts). When that happens, it’s time to get intentional about managing it. Here are eight things I’ve learned about spending money.

Have a maximum of two credit cards and pay them off every month. More on this in a later post.

When buying a car, pay cash and avoid monthly payments. If that’s not an option, we pay the maximum amount we can afford for the down payment. The less money we borrow, the better off our credit score is. Car loans are the devil. Vehicles depreciate so quickly that we can easily get upside down (owing more on the car than it will sell for).

Invest in quality. My job requires me to make a good impression, so I buy quality clothing, haircuts, handbag, briefcase, etc. When I buy cheap clothes, I end up replacing them more often than if I’d just purchased quality in the first place. That’s not even taking into account the time (and gas if I go to a brick and mortar) I waste looking for replacements.

Protection plans on laptops, mobile phones, etc, are usually not worth it. Instead, I put aside the amount a new cell phone costs in our savings account. Then I can replace it whenever I want, even if it’s not broken.

Don’t buy on impulse. I’m a bit extreme on this one. I waited 48 hours to buy the $1.29 text tone I wanted. But waiting instead of buying is in my best interest more often than not. I even carry an item around the store for a while and think about how often I’d use it, if it’s really necessary, how much joy it would spark, etc. before heading to the check out. Usually, if I can easily live without it, I do. If I regret my decision, return to the store, and it’s still there, I buy it.

Pay bills electronically through the bank rather than through the company billing me. The fewer companies that have my bank account numbers, the better. I make bill paying a weekly habit. If nothing is due, I’m still consistently keeping an eye on where the money is going and when.

Think about the total cost. If I’m at Kroger and I know a loaf of bread is a dollar cheaper at Aldi, is it worth the time and gas to go there just for the one item? If I spend $10 for a drive-thru lunch, how much money would I have saved if I’d brought my lunch to work?

Spend less than I earn. Living modestly and within our means brings peace of mind; which I can’t put a price tag on. Having money left after paying bills means we can put it in savings. I know some people feel restricted by saving instead of spending, but it gives us so many choices: More money in retirement, the ability to pay cash for Christmas gifts, a vacation. Money is a tool. When we use a tool wisely, it makes life easier.

Do you have any suggestions for spending money wisely? Please share them in the comments section.

It Depends

Over coffee, a friend asked how my new job was going. I told her my trainer is a former calculus teacher, so I’ve assumed the role of student in order to communicate. She said, “Isn’t it funny how we just do that? How we instinctively alter our personalities? When in Rome…” Which made me wonder, why do we do that? It’s beyond mimicking an arm crossing, leaning in to show non-verbal agreement, or any number of behaviors that help synch us as humans. This behavior actually has a name: situationism. It’s the theory that human behavior is determined by surrounding circumstances rather than by personal qualities. I started researching situationism and it made me wonder a few things.

Do women alter behavior more than men? I didn’t find a definitive answer in my queries. If you’re curious and go searching, please let me know what you find out. I found an interesting (and unsettling) article that counsels women how to communicate with men if they are the only female on a team. If there is demand for articles like this, (and I found far more articles for being the only woman on the team than for being the only man on the team, btw) it leads me to believe women do change our behavior more than men.

Could situationism be a contributing factor to the gender wage gap? This article says the causes of the gender wage gap are female under representation in executive positions, gender discrimination on the job, and socially enforced gender roles. In meetings I’m often the only female in the room. I use gentle persuasion and ask leading questions when I’m trying to prove a point or get the team to act on my ideas. I operate on the you-catch-more-flies-with-honey-than-with-vinegar theory, when what I really want to do is say, “Hey guys, here’s the plan.” This situationism means I’m participating in the socially enforced gender role of sensitive nurturer that keeps women out of leadership positions, but I don’t think I’d succeed as often if I tried to be more dominant.

Is situationism keeping women out of C-Suite positions? Female leadership style is typically leading by example and developing talent. Male leadership is typically more command and control. Women are expected to foster and cultivate which aren’t generally viewed as leadership qualities. Men tend to take charge and try to establish dominance. When women display the aforementioned male qualities, we are viewed negatively. Often as a result of these differences, women can be excluded from out of the office bonding moments, like on the golf course for example. Being left out of informal networking opportunities denies women the chance to connect with potential mentors and/or managers who can promote us.

My friend’s observation led me to some interesting speculations. Please check out the links I’ve provided and explore for yourself. I never thought about situationism before, but it explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Have you ever morphed your personality to better communicate with your coworkers? Please share your story in the comments section.

Happy (Step) Father’s Day!

I saw these words on a T-Shirt the other day: I’m not a stepfather. I’m the father that stepped up. It made me think about my relationship with my stepfather and the truth in that statement. You hear so many stories, like Ellen DeGeneres’s, of stepfathers hurting their wives’ kids, that my story with my stepfather reads like a fairy tale.

When Dad (that’s what I call my stepfather; he’s earned the title) married Mom, I was 13 years old and living with my biological father and his new family. When that didn’t work out, I moved in with Mom and Dad. Surprise! It’s an angst-ridden teenage girl! Lucky you! He’s a Vietnam War veteran who views challenges as invitations, so he dove right in the stepparent pool. I learned many things about work from him which you can read about here. He also has some catch phrases that help me in my career. Here are three.

You can’t over communicate. Once, when I was a teenager, Dad was to pick me up from an evening Spanish club field trip to Chi-Chi’s (remember those?). I assumed he’d pick me up at school, but instead, he went to the restaurant which was 10 miles away. After a hard day at work he was not pleased with the inconvenience of the extra driving and time spent searching for me. I learned to be more clear in giving instructions. I’m reminded of this when making arrangements for my team to meet with my clients’ teams. Do I have the who, what, when, where, why, and hows covered?

Trrrry it. You’ll liiiike it. He usually said this in reference to food, but it comes to mind when my boss gives me a project that overwhelms me. Just try. Just start. I pick the low hanging fruit first so that sense of accomplishment gives me confidence to figure out the next step. Then I take the next step, and the next one, and eventually the project is done.

Just jump in and help. This is actually how Kat Cole went from being a Hooters waitress to the President of Cinnabon. Bottom line for both Dad and Kat: when something needs done, do it. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s in your job description. In fact, it’s better if it’s not because 1) You learn a new skill. 2) You’re viewed by management as a utility player. 3) You earn the gratitude of the person or team you helped giving you the right to ask for their help in the future.

Dad is retired now, but he’s still parenting as well as teaching me lessons about work. As I write this, he texted asking if I’m okay. My car is in the shop so earlier today he drove 45 minutes to my office, picked me up, drove me 45 more minutes to a meeting downtown and left when I secured a ride back to the office with a coworker. His thoughtfulness reminds me I have some follow up emails to send.

Do you have a stepparent? Has he/she taught you lessons about employment? Please share them in the comments section.

You do You

Staying positive is hard. If you don’t intentionally protect your mind, you quickly get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking that can prevent you from achieving your goals. People have a habit of building each other up just to tear each other down in order to feel better about ourselves. When the world chips away at your self-esteem, try a couple of these:

“Don’t forget in the darkness what you learned in the light.” – Joseph Bayly – When you’re faced with a choice, you think about what you should do, deliberate with yourself and maybe a trusted colleague, plan how to proceed, and go. Then you hit a rough patch and second guess your decision. Why are you surprised when trouble brews? I have a T-Shirt with the Harry Potter quote, “I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.” Just because you encounter resistance doesn’t mean you chose poorly. Obstacles happen so resist giving up too soon. If you keep putting in the work, revise the plan when new information becomes available, and take a step to further the plan every day, you will eventually reach your goal.

Kick Imposter Syndrome to the curb – When you work hard, you deserve every accolade you receive. Stop listening to the voices telling you you’re not ready for your next career step, especially the ones in your head. Make a list of what you’re good at so you can refer to it when you doubt yourself. Need some ideas? What have your friends/coworkers/managers said you’re good at? If you agree, build your list from those. Use this list to come up with affirmations to tell yourself when you get discouraged. Play to your strengths, get good at them, and ignore the haters. Do your thing because what makes you different from everyone else is actually your super power.

Choose to learn from your critics – Criticism stings. Even if you’re expecting it (e.g., during a performance evaluation) and it’s delivered gently, it’s difficult to take the emotion out of the encounter. When you receive criticism (and you will), ask yourself: Is this person objective? Is her criticism constructive? Does she normally encourage as well as criticize? Does she have something to gain (or lose) by telling me this? Do you know more about the situation than she does? Does someone you trust agree with her assessment? If you deem the criticism as valid, then act on it. If not, then ignore it. If ignoring it isn’t an option, calmly prove your case with facts and figures to back it up. Disagreement with someone is an opportunity to learn from each other.

Sometimes we get grumpy slogging through both our expectations and other people’s expectations of us. To protect your mind:

Know yourself
Acknowledge your values and worldview, and respect those different from yours
Treat others the way you want to be treated
You do you.

How do you keep your mindset positive? Please share your tips in the comments section.

Boxed In

When anyone asks me how old I am, I reply, “I stopped keeping track at 30.” It feels a bit defensive, but once I’m labeled as of a certain age I’m immediately put in a certain box. I’m hyper-conscious I have two strikes against me in the American workforce: I’m a woman over 35 years old. It’s harder for my tribe to get potential employers’ attention with every passing day. Some of the children who were taught to help old ladies across the street and carry old men’s groceries to their cars have grown into adult hiring managers who label anyone with a touch of grey hair as weak, forgetful, and when they’re your employees, expensive. Three examples come to mind:

1) People are considered elderly at 65 years old, but the full retirement age in America is 67. Rumor has it the retirement age will be raised to 70 pretty soon, so there are plenty of people who need to work for at least three more years and be carried on their employers’ insurance policies. These employees typically use more insurance benefits than their younger coworkers, raising the cost of premiums for all employees. But there are loads of healthy older employees positively contributing to their organization’s bottom line thanks to adopting healthy lifestyles, preventative medicine, and a mindset of perpetual learning; especially about emerging technology. We should be judged on our contributions and considered for the same opportunities as anyone else.

2) The general assumption is older workers require a higher wage. This seems to be especially apparent in the tech sector. Dan Lyons recounts his experience of getting laid off in his book, Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Startup Bubble. He was informed the company could use his salary to hire five kids out of college. But if the company is full of recent graduates, who has the experience and wisdom to guide the team? Where are the mentors? The Subject Matter Experts? These are the people who, when crisis hits, fall back on their training to carry the team and save projects. With the growing interest in encore careers, workers in their 40’s and 50’s are making more lateral moves in terms of salary. We consider benefits like flex-time, working remotely, paid time off to volunteer, and employer paid higher education, at least as important as wages when negotiating a compensation package.

3) Ageism affects everyone. We assume we’re talking about older workers, but remember when you were considered too young to do something? Like rent a car at 22 years old? If we have to be 25-35 years old to be employable in America, we’re headed for an economic crisis. Ageism comes from inside an organization. It’s systematic and terrifying.

We’ll all be in boxes eventually. Cemeteries are full of them. Can we please be judged on our accomplishments and character instead of our statistical potential to drain the company’s resources? How do we combat ageism in our companies without getting fired? I’d love to see your opinions in the comments section.

What’s it all for?

Captain Herschel L. Smith Photo Credit to the owner

Memorial Day is a holiday dedicated to honor those who died while serving in military service to America. It always reminds me of my Grandpa, Herschel L. Smith. Although, he didn’t die in the line of duty (Thank You, Lord), so I don’t know why Memorial Day makes me think of him. He served as a Captain in the U.S. Army Air Corps and piloted B-24 Liberators during WWII. His plane was shot down over Germany. As the enemy moved in to take his crew captive, he told his men, “We’re going to win the war. We’re just not gonna win it today.” And for the next 11 months they were POWs. He had a purpose: to keep hope alive in his team. Through the filter of winning a war, decision making gets simple; not easy, but straightforward. We benefit from our military personnel’s sacrifices to maintain our freedom. So what are we doing with this privilege? What is my purpose? What is yours?

Make time to find your purpose. Here is an article to help. Finding your purpose may take a while, but it’s a wise investment. Making decisions through the filter of purpose causes wise choices to be more obvious and simplifies the process. For example: If you are in sales (spoiler alert: everyone is in sales), your purpose is to help your customers. You want to provide them with a product or service they need at a price they can afford. When you approach a potential customer with that mindset, your instinct is to ask them what their pain points are. When you learn the obstacles they face, it helps you figure out how to fix their problems with your product or service.

Experiment. Have you always wanted to do something, but never had time: Gourmet cooking? Coding? Story telling? You’ll never just have time. You have to make time. Jump in and take a class. Or, are you really good at something? Get yourself a YouTube channel and teach others what you know. Do you love dogs? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Do you want to make a difference in a young person’s life? Mentor.

Remember you have more than one. You bring one purpose to your partner. You bring a different purpose to your first child and a different purpose to each subsequent child. You bring a purpose to your mom and a different purpose to your dad and a different purpose to your bestie. You may bring multiple purposes to your job, church, school, intramural team, book club, etc.

It can evolve over time. When our daughter was little, my purpose as a mom was to guide and protect. Now that she’s an adult it’s to encourage and support.

In closing, I salute Captain Herschel L. Smith with some of his favorite words:
By the world I was soon forgotten
No one has mourned for me
as over the world I have wandered
across the boundless sea
So drink to me again boys through the midst of crocodile tears
for when I’m gone no one will mourn
the last of the bombardiers

Please share how your journey to finding your purpose is going in the comments section.

Going Solo

adult-audience-celebration — Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Thank you for all the tips you gave me after my post on networking solo. Some of them came in handy at events I recently attended. Like finding someone sitting alone who looked as scared as I felt. It worked! It turned out he works at a business for which my company recently subcontracted. This led to using another tip: find something in common to discuss. With the experience of attending a couple more speed dating type events under my belt, a pattern is emerging. Here are some of their common elements:

Gobs of people on their phones
Carbohydrate loaded snacks
People continuously scanning the room for other people they already know
The chair at the end of the row is always claimed first
Booths stocked with swag to lure attendees into conversation
An extrovert working the room like a circus ringmaster (“Register for our mailing list!”)
Opening remarks asking if this is anyone’s first time (not cool to out us newbies, btw)
Presentations that were WAY too busy (Slides with lists and pictures crowding the screen so badly they are exhausting to read)
Speakers who seemed to be fund raising (Sponsoring a hole for your next golf outing will guarantee me revenue. Really?!)
Microphone issues
Dignitaries telling us how great we were, how they appreciated us, and now go forth and connect!
Help desks staffed by knowledgeable and friendly people

One event offered an app with PUSH notifications which came in handy when one of my scheduled meetings cancelled because that’s the only way I knew it was off. Another event had great signage from the moment I pulled into the parking lot. I made the most connections talking to the vendors, eating lunch with other attendees, and talking to other participants waiting in line around me for our turns at the popular exhibition booths.

These events felt like Kindergarten recess. You walk up to the tetherball pole (in this case a booth). You wait for someone to make eye contact, then you say, “Hi! I’m (Your Name Here), what’s your name?” and the game begins. It’s not so painful since a connection is all you’re looking for. You just need someone who will hit the ball back for a few minutes, am I right?

Any more networking tips for me? What about for following up after an event? Please leave your advice in the comments section.