Relationships – Page 2 – mardihumphreys.com

Patience Is Powerful

Hamilton: An American Musical debuted on Broadway on August 6, 2015. Have you noticed that many of its 46 songs relate to the workforce? For example, “Right Hand Man” is about then-General George Washington talking Alexander Hamilton into taking a promotion as his aide-de-camp.

There is a line from the song “Wait for It” I return to repeatedly. It’s sung by Aaron Burr’s character. He compares his misfortunes to Hamilton’s successes. He’s hyping himself up after being judged by his coworkers. He sings about how unfair life is and what he intends to do to succeed:

I am the one thing in life I can control

I am inimitable

I am an original

I’m not falling behind or running late

I’m not standing still

I am lying in wait

The common assumption is: Patience means doing nothing. If you’re not chasing, pitching, or climbing, you’re behind. It’s easy to mistake patience for indecision or unwillingness to make a move. But read it again: I’m not standing still. I am lying in wait. That’s not passivity. That’s strategic. In your work life it’s tempting to confuse waiting with wasting time. But that’s not how real life—or real work—functions. And it’s definitely not how growth works. Patience isn’t about pausing. It’s about preparing.

When It Feels Like Losing

Coworkers are getting promoted. Starting companies. Speaking at conferences. Meanwhile, you’re still in back-to-back meetings trying to keep from drowning in your inbox. Do you doom-scroll LinkedIn and think, “She’s already a director?” or “He’s publishing another book?” In that headspace, patience can feel like losing. The pace of work makes it feel like if you don’t sprint, then you get trampled. The pressure can drive you to make poor decisions like jumping at a job that isn’t the right fit or saying yes to a project just to stay visible. But activity isn’t the same as progress and not every season of your life is meant to be fast. Some seasons are for planting. Quietly. Intentionally. It’s not glamorous and it usually doesn’t come with applause. But it’s how success takes root. Patience is knowing when to be still. It’s choosing to wait, not because you’re indecisive, but because you’re discerning.

Patience at Work

Prepare Quietly: Instead of pushing for your next move, what can you get better at while you wait? Strengthen a skill. Build relationships. Improve your processes. Get so good they can’t ignore you. Document your wins. These investments compound even if no one sees them right away.

Support Visibly: Stay engaged, even if you’re not center stage. You don’t have to lead a project to make a difference in it. Offer help. Ask questions. Be present in the work that’s happening around you. Collaboration is its own currency. When the seat at the table opens, you’ll already be in the room.

Reset Your Narrative: Let go of timelines you didn’t choose. You’re not stuck. You’re building momentum. Shift the story you’re telling yourself from “Why not me?” to “Not yet.”

Notice Envy, Don’t Let it Lead: It’s okay to feel a twinge when someone else gets what you wanted. But don’t let that feeling force you into something that’s not ready. Instead of seeing it as a setback, use envy as a push forward. Double down on networking and upskilling.

Watch for Your Window: Look for signs, not spotlights. The right moment rarely announces itself, but you’ll recognize it more easily if you’ve been quietly preparing for it all along. Patience isn’t a forever plan. It’s a strategic posture. When the opportunity does open up, don’t hesitate. Step into it.

What do you do to make sure patience is not passive? Please share your tips in the comments.

Getting in Shape

This week I’m sharing a few questions I’m frequently asked about soft skills. If you feel like you’re managing a team that does what you say but nothing more, you’re not alone. Leading by compliance can get you results. But if you want people to bring their energy, skills, and ideas to the table then you have to inspire them. But how?

Can Soft Skills Be Developed?

Yes, and it takes intention. Think of soft skills like a muscle you have to train. You get better through practice, feedback, and observation. For example, you can learn to listen without interrupting, you can get better at showing empathy, and you can grow more comfortable owning your mistakes.

How Do You Measure Soft Skills?

They’re harder to measure than technical skills, but not impossible. You might track them by asking for 360-degree feedback from colleagues or by reflecting on how people respond to you. Do teammates come to you for advice? Are they honest with you? Do they seem motivated? These signals can tell you if your soft skills are working.

Why Are Soft Skills So Hard To Improve?

Three things: You often don’t get immediate feedback, your habits may be deeply ingrained, and improvement can feel uncomfortable. For example, showing vulnerability takes courage. If you push through that discomfort, you’ll see a huge shift in how your team responds to you. Here are four examples of soft skills and how to start exercising them right away.

Building Kindness

Kindness at work isn’t about being nice for its own sake. It’s about helping people feel seen and supported. Let’s say a teammate misses a deadline. Your gut reaction may be frustration. Instead of acting out of that emotion, schedule a quick one-on-one and calmly ask what got in the way. Maybe they’re swamped or dealing with personal issues. By showing you care, you open the door for a real conversation about workload, priorities, or support. And you send a clear signal that they matter beyond their output.

Building Trust

Trust is about giving others space to do their best work and believing they will. Let’s say you’re leading a project and have a big presentation coming up. A colleague offers to take on a tricky section. Even if you’re tempted to micromanage, you let them own it and you tell them you trust their expertise. That sense of ownership can motivate them to give their best effort, and it frees you up to focus on the bigger picture.

Building Vulnerability

Vulnerability at work is about honesty, especially when it feels risky. Let’s say during a team meeting you share you’re worried about hitting a deadline because of conflicting priorities. Instead of acting like you’ve got it all handled, you invite others to help problem-solve. You’ll be surprised how quickly teammates rally around you when you model openness.

Building Accountability

Accountability means holding yourself, and others, to commitments, while being fair. Let’s say you promise to deliver a report by Friday. Thursday rolls around, and you realize you won’t make it. You send a quick message explaining why and propose a new deadline. That small move shows your team that you don’t sweep things under the rug, and that you respect their time and trust.

What other soft skills would you have included? Please share in the comments.

Dark Empathy

A volunteer and I were troubleshooting the usual challenges an event brings when I said, “Misery loves company.” Without missing a beat, they replied, “Don’t be a misery partner.” This gave me pause. I wasn’t just expressing dissatisfaction. I was inviting someone into it. Is that the right thing to do? Misery loves company, but do you have to RSVP?

What It Really Means

You’ve probably heard the phrase before, but let’s be clear: “Misery loves company” means that unhappy people often look for others to share in their pain. Sometimes it’s about validation,“You feel this too, right?” Other times it’s darker. If someone is stuck in a bad mood it can feel comforting to pull others into the same mindset. Misery doesn’t just want to be seen. It wants companionship.

Why We Do It

Validation: Misery can feel isolating. Sharing it with someone makes it feel less lonely.

Mood-matching: If you’re angry or disillusioned, it can feel easier if the person next to you is too. Misery becomes a shared lens.

Identity Reinforcement: If you stay in that space long enough, you begin to expect and even seek out negative experiences. It becomes part of how you navigate work and relationships.

When It Becomes a Problem

In the short term, it feels good to vent. It builds rapport. It can even feel productive. But over time, it shifts from bonding to spiraling. For example: Let’s say you have a coworker who habitually wants to talk about how bad leadership is. Every team meeting, every direct message, it comes up. At first, you agree. But soon, you’re both repeating the same frustrations. Nothing changes. The venting doesn’t lead to clarity or action just mutual grievance. That’s misery partnering. When two or more people reinforce each other’s worst perspectives, you’re no longer helping each other process. You’re keeping each other stuck.

How to Spot It at Work

Misery partnering isn’t always loud. It can look like two coworkers grabbing coffee just to complain. It can happen in team group chats or in “just being real” sidebars. It drains your energy and clouds your decision-making. When your default mode is skepticism or complaint, even good ideas start to feel naive. You stop contributing. You play it safe. You protect your mood instead of doing your best work. If you experience any of these, then ask yourself:

Am I sharing this to feel better, or to feel right?
Does this conversation go in circles?
After we talk, do I feel lighter or more stuck?
Are we taking any action, or just blaming?

What You Can Do Instead

You don’t have to cut off every frustrated coworker and you don’t have to bottle things up. You do need to be mindful about how much airtime you’re giving to frustration and whether it’s helping. The next time a coworker starts spiraling, don’t pile on. Listen, but then steer. Ask what they need. Suggest one step forward.

Start with this mantra, “I can listen without absorbing. I can empathize without enabling. I can share my own frustrations without needing someone to sink with me.” Call it what it is: a moment, not a mindset. If you catch yourself being the one pulling others in, pause and ask yourself: “What do I actually want right now? Validation? Change? Relief?”

If you’re stuck in a loop with someone who’s always venting, try asking: “What are you thinking about doing next?” It’s a gentle nudge out of rumination and into action.

How do you avoid becoming a misery partner at work? Please share in the comments.

Take the Time

You take time off work for a vacation because it’s a culturally acceptable reason to rest and restore your body. But what about your brain? If your mind is overloaded, your work suffers. In conversations about taking a mental health day, I’ve heard opinions running the gamut from eye rolls to enthusiasm. Of course, this made me curious.

Why Take a Mental Health Day?

It’s like resting a strained muscle. Pushing through the discomfort doesn’t make you tougher, it wears you down. If you’re feeling mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, or unmotivated, this shows up in your work through mistakes, slow responses, or irritability. Would you trust your job performance after three nights of bad sleep and three days of nonstop Zoom calls? If you catch yourself zoning out in meetings, dreading small tasks, or struggling to care about the outcome of your work, it’s time to step away and reset. How often you take one depends on your workload. Does it regularly drain you? Then maybe quarterly is a good cadence. Do you usually need a break after an intense project? Then schedule one for immediately after delivery. Create a personal system that accommodates the pace of your work and makes it sustainable.

How Do You Request One?

Some people I spoke with worried taking time off for mental health would make them appear unreliable or weak. The good news is more organizations recognize that productivity depends on sustainable work habits. Unlike calling in sick with the flu, a mental health day is best planned ahead. Choose a day that doesn’t interfere with deadlines, major events, or key meetings and give your manager as much notice as possible. Communicate clearly and keep the focus on coverage and continuity.

If your workplace is supportive: Be direct. For example say, “I’d like to take a mental health day next Friday. I’ll make sure everything is on track before I’m out, and I’ll loop in [Teammate] on anything that might come up.” After your manager approves it, coordinate coverage of your projects. Let coworkers know who to contact while you’re out and make sure that person has all the resources they need. Offer to return the favor when they take a day off.

If not: Be indirect. Label your request the term your company uses for flexible paid time off. Usually it’s called a personal day or a vacation day. You don’t have to explain how you intend to use it. For example say, “I’d like to request a personal day for Thursday. My workload is covered and I’ll be back Friday.”

What Should You Do on One?

Nothing: Turn off your laptop. Watch a show. Lie on the couch. Do not feel guilty.

Spend time with people you like: Meet a friend for coffee or lunch. Visit a sibling. Talk to someone who doesn’t expect work talk. Social connection lowers stress and boosts mood.

Roam if you want to: Take a long walk, go to a hot-yoga class, or bike around your neighborhood. The goal is to boost your energy not your fitness.

Something just for you: Read a book. Cook a slow meal. Run errands you’ve been avoiding. Clear clutter. Anything that restores your sense of control.

Volunteer: Spend an hour helping someone else. This could be anything from packing food at a local pantry to helping a student learn to read. There are many local nonprofits who need help.

What is your take on a mental health day? Please share in the comments.

That’s a Good Question

Asking the right questions makes your job easier and your work more effective. Good questions help you make better decisions, manage your time, and build trust with your team. Poor questions, on the other hand, lead to confusion, delays, and missed details. So what makes a question “good”? How do you ask questions in a way that’s helpful and not annoying?

Characteristics of a Good Question

Good questions are clear, specific, relevant to the task or discussion, and invite a useful response. They respect people’s time and knowledge. You ask them with a goal in mind, like one of these:

Understand context or details affecting your work
Avoid misunderstandings
Move projects forward
Spot roadblocks early
Stay aligned
Build rapport with coworkers

Types of Good Questions

Knowing what type of question to ask in different situations helps you get better answers. Here are a few types followed by examples.

Open-ended questions: Invite thoughtful responses. These are useful when you want to gather input or explore options. “What are some ways we could improve this process?”
Clarifying questions: Help confirm your understanding and avoid assumptions. “When you say ‘onboarding,’ are you referring to new employees or new clients?”
Follow-up questions: Show you’re paying attention and take the discussion deeper. “You mentioned a budget issue. Can you please say more about that?”
Critical thinking questions: Challenge ideas constructively and move conversations forward or uncover gaps. “What would happen if we removed that step entirely?”
Technical questions: Dig into tools, systems, or data. “What triggers that alert in the CRM, and can we adjust the threshold?”

General Best Practices

Ask one question at a time. If you ask three things at once you’ll usually only get one answer.
Be specific, not narrow. Narrow: “What’s the deal with this project?” Specific: “Can you update me on the status of the content handoff for this project?”
Don’t interrupt. Restrain yourself from jumping in with a follow-up question until the speaker finishes their answer.
Be an active listener. Listen to understand, not just to reply. Show you’re engaged by making eye contact, giving short verbal cues (e.g., “Got it,” “Makes sense”), and base your follow-up questions on what you actually heard.

Specific Best Practices

For casual conversation, like chatting with a coworker in the hallway or sending a Slack message, ask one question at a time:

“Hey, I saw the metrics doc. Can you please walk me through what changed in Q2?”
“What’s the best way to submit a travel request?”

At meetings stick to clear, short questions that move the discussion forward:

“Can you please share how this decision impacts our timelines?”
“What’s the biggest risk we haven’t talked about yet?”

After a presentation ask for deeper detail or next steps:

“Thanks for the overview. Could you please say more about how you calculated ROI?”
“If we want to get involved in that pilot, what’s the first step?”

During a negotiation good questions help uncover flexibility or constraints:

“What leeway do we have in the timeline?”
“If we adjust the scope, would that affect the price?”

In remote settings (Zoom, Teams, email) be direct and specific:

“Can you please clarify what’s expected by Friday and what can wait?”
“I’d appreciate a quick example of what a ‘successful submission’ looks like.”

Asking better questions isn’t about sounding smart. It’s about being curious, respectful, and intentional. Because that’s what builds trust, clarity, and momentum at any job, on any level, in any field.

What is your favorite good question? Please share in the comments.

Quarterly Contemplation

Reflection isn’t just about looking back. It’s about using the insights you discover to build a better future. When you assess what went well, where you struggled, and what you need to change, you can head into the second quarter of the year with clarity and purpose. Reflections are a powerful way to rest, reset, and refocus. Here are some prompts to get you reflecting on the work you did during the last three months.

How did I contribute to my team’s success?

Assess your collaboration. What strengths did you use? How can you better leverage them? What areas for continuous improvement presented themselves? For example, if you were instrumental in keeping a remote team connected, you may want to focus on expanding your leadership skills.

Who supported me and how can I express gratitude?

Make a list of the people who made your life easier. How did they do it? For example, did they introduce you to one of their connections who is now a potential client? Invest in your key professional relationships by acknowledging those who helped you. A quick thank-you email or LinkedIn endorsement can go a long way.

How does my work align with my long-term career goals?

Confirm you’re moving in the right direction. How does your current role support your aspirations? If it doesn’t, small changes, like taking on stretch assignments, can get you on track.

What skills do I need to stay relevant in my field?

Be a life-long learner. Technology accelerates every industry and keeping up with it is mandatory. What are one or two skills, like learning a new software tool or improving your public speaking, you’d like to learn? Identify competencies that could significantly impact your career trajectory.

Did I set boundaries effectively?

Evaluate your work-life integration. It’s crucial for long-term productivity. What boundaries did you set and maintain, like unplugging after work or saying no to non-essential tasks? Adjusting your approach can help prevent burnout.

What relationships did I build?

Nurture your network. Relationships are essential for career growth. Whom did you meet that connected you with a valuable opportunity? Whom did you support by introducing them to a resource? Plan to reach out to at least one loose-tie contact next month.

What are my goals for Q2?

Plan for the future. What do you want to achieve in the next three months? Get out your Atta Baby! folder. Did the compliment come from completing an assignment you enjoyed? How can you get another one of those? Doing work you enjoy helps you stay motivated.

Next Steps

Schedule quarterly check-ins with yourself to revisit your goals and progress. Treat these like personal performance reviews to stay accountable.
Enroll in a LinkedIn Learning course or an in-person workshop to address a specific skill gap.
Set up a system, like a weekly reflection habit, to keep your goals top of mind.
Celebrate your progress. Acknowledge incremental improvements as wins. It keeps you motivated and reinforces your positive habits.

What prompts do you suggest? Please share in the comments.

The Priority the Sequel

After last week’s discussion around framing time management as self-respect, I received some good questions: “What do I do about the guilt I feel for saying no?” “What do I do about pushback?” “What if I miss out on a golden opportunity?” Let’s explore some answers.

Guilt

You may feel guilty about declining tasks or invitations to join project teams because you worry saying no will make you appear unhelpful or it will damage your relationships with your managers. But saying yes to everything spreads your energy too thin and makes you less effective in the tasks that are important.

Try: Shift your mindset. Saying no to low-priority work isn’t about avoiding responsibility. It’s about ensuring you contribute your best work to what really matters. Intentionally prioritize tasks based on their impact on your organization’s mission and their alignment with your role.

For example: If a team lead asks you to sit in on a meeting that doesn’t directly involve your work, you might say, “I’d love to help where I can. Will you please send me a summary of the key takeaways instead? That way, I can focus on my current deadlines while staying informed.” This approach keeps you engaged without overloading your schedule.

Pushback

The workplace rewards immediate responses and multitasking. (BTW, multitasking is a myth. Do NOT get me started.) This makes it difficult to set boundaries. When you start managing your time more effectively, you will face resistance from coworkers and/or managers who expect you to be available at all times.

Try: Set clear, realistic expectations with your team. If you need uninterrupted time to focus on deep work, then proactively communicate. For example, when you’re working on a report let your team know you’ll be offline for two hours and will check messages afterward.

For example: If a manager frequently assigns last-minute tasks, try saying, “I can take this on, but it will push back my other deadlines. Which task would you like me to prioritize?” This puts the decision back in their hands while reinforcing that your time is limited.

FOMO

You overcommit because you worry turning something down may mean missing a career-changing opportunity. Some opportunities are time-sensitive, but saying yes to everything prevents you from focusing on what best aligns with your long-term goals.

Try: Get clear on your priorities. If an opportunity excites you but doesn’t align with your goals, it may not be the right one.

For example: If you’re invited to join an extra project that sounds interesting but doesn’t directly contribute to your career path, you could say, “This sounds like a great initiative! Right now, I need to focus on my core projects, but I’d love to be considered for similar opportunities in the future.” This keeps the door open while ensuring you don’t overextend yourself.

Experiments

Before accepting a meeting request, ask for an agenda. If there isn’t one, ask what’s expected of you. If they can’t define your role, the meeting may be an email.
Limit open-ended commitments. If someone asks for help, instead of saying, “Sure, I can do that,” try, “I have time for a quick 15-minute call, would that help?” This keeps your contribution focused.
At the end of each workday, take a moment to evaluate: What did I accomplish today? What tasks drained my time unnecessarily? What changes can I make tomorrow to work more efficiently? Reflection ensures you continuously refine your time management approach based on what’s working and what isn’t.

How do you deal with workplace boundary encroachments? Please share in the comments.

The Bargain

A company you like has an open position you want. You had a discovery conversation with the hiring manager and you submitted your resume and cover letter. (It’s 2025, why are cover letters still a thing?! Please comment if you know.) It’s time to interview. They will tell you what they want from the new hire and you will tell them the conditions under which you’re willing to work. How can you make this negotiation productive for both you and your potential employer?

Reality Check

Let’s use the Tech Industry as an example. In terms of employment, it’s been volatile since the pandemic. Tons of people were hired in 2020, then big companies started letting tons of employees go in 2022 and those layoffs are still happening. Under these conditions, negotiating your compensation may feel intimidating. With companies regaining leverage, you need to enter the interview knowing what the state of the industry is and how that impacts the benefits you want. Here is an article that tells you how to research a company’s financial stability.

Research

Look up the market rates for similar roles in your location on PayScale, Salary.com, or Glassdoor. Define three numbers: The minimum salary you will accept, the ideal salary you’d be thrilled to get, and your walkaway number. Factor in personal costs. For example, what is your cost of living? What career growth opportunities will the employer offer? What are your work-life balance needs?

Salary

Most companies have a budget for each position, but they may not volunteer this information. It’s important to find out what they are willing to pay before you reveal any of your three numbers. When the hiring manager asks you how much money you want, try this response: “I’m open, but I’d love to understand the salary range you have in mind for this role.” This prevents you from lowballing yourself and gives you a baseline for negotiation. Once you know the range, push for the top. If they offer $90K–$110K, make a case for why you deserve $110K. Give illustrations of your experience, projects, and results. For example: for a Software Developer: “In my last role, I improved system performance by 30%, reducing downtime and saving the company an estimated $200K annually.”

Benefits

Compensation is more than a paycheck and benefits can make a huge difference in how attractive the job is. You also have to acknowledge that there will be tradeoffs. For example, if you push for a higher salary, then they may push for you to be in the office full-time. Consider negotiating for remote/hybrid work options, additional PTO, an upskilling budget, and/or equity or bonuses.

Mindset

Approach negotiation as a two-way conversation, not a battle. Filling this role is a challenge for the hiring manager. Act like the problem-solver you are by using “we” language. For example, “We want to ensure this is a strong long-term fit. Can we adjust the offer to reflect that?” By framing your requests as suggestions you signal your intent to help them achieve the result they want.

What other strategies do you use when negotiating compensation? Please share in the comments

Even Keeled

Last week we talked about how to become aware of our emotions, what triggers them, and how they affect our decision making. Now that you know what they are and why they happen, let’s talk about moving from self-awareness to self-regulation.

You Are in Charge

When you start to feel out of control, what can you do to get ahead of your emotions and constructively respond?

Pause – For example, you are tasked with removing the bottleneck from one of your organization’s workflows. You email the project manager an idea. The reply you receive is harshly critical and dismissive. What do you do? You want to fire off a defensive response. Instead, take a breath, step away, and revisit the email later. The pause gives your rational mind a chance to kick in.

Reset – When stress builds, your decision-making suffers. Techniques like deep breathing or a quick meditation can help in the moment. On days you have to make important decisions, take a break to move your body in addition to those tools. Even a short walk around the block can make a difference. Give yourself a 15-minute “reset break” to clear your mind.

Adapt – Asynchronous work environments demand flexibility. For example, a teammate’s delayed reply may derail your plan. When it does, remind yourself that staying open to new solutions helps maintain momentum in the long run.

Get Social

Strong relationships pave the way for problem-solving as well as career advancement. Building those relationships takes deliberate effort.

Communicate – For example, you’re on a video call with your team putting together an agenda for a client update and they are all distracted. Instead of letting your annoyance show, try saying, “I’d love everyone’s input on this. What else do we want the client to know that I don’t have on this list?” Inviting engagement respectfully can shift the tone of the meeting.

Share – Teams thrive when credit is shared. If you’re leading a project, make it a habit to highlight contributions from teammates, even in small ways like Slack shout-outs.

Learn – Disagreements happen. It’s how you handle them that matters. Focus on solutions instead of assigning blame. For example, if someone misses a deadline, instead of saying, “You messed up,” try, “Let’s figure out how to avoid this in the future.”

Support – If you notice a team member struggling with a task, offer to be a resource. A small gesture, like volunteering to review their work, shows commitment to the team’s success.

Galvanize – Even when projects get messy, a positive outlook can help your team keep going. For example, if a new tool isn’t working as expected, reframing the setback as a learning opportunity can keep morale from plummeting.

Practice – Start with one small action each day. For example, pause before replying to an irritating email or ask a colleague how they’re feeling before diving into work. Over time, these habits become second nature.

Next Steps

Remember the emotion log you kept last week? Pull it out. Knowing what you know now, how do you wish you would have responded in those situations? Now you have an option to experiment with the next time those triggers go off. Here are a few ideas to maintain your progress.

Reflect – Spend five minutes at the end of each workday reviewing your emotional responses and interactions. If there is something you wish you’d done differently, make a note of it. If you responded instead of reacted to a trigger, pat yourself on the back.

Experiment – Try one self-regulation technique during a challenging moment. For example, box breathe, or silently count to three before speaking. Find what works best for maintaining your composure.

Ask – Request feedback from a trusted colleague on how you handle stress during collaboration. This is a private conversation maybe over coffee.

How do you self-regulate to function better at work? Please share in the comments.

Control Yourself

Self-awareness is critical to your success at work, but it’s only the beginning. You must move beyond self-awareness to self-regulation so you can develop stronger relationships and make better decisions under pressure. Being self-aware means you understand what emotions you’re experiencing and why in the moment. In this first article of a two-parter, let’s think about how to recognize your emotions, what triggers them, and how they affect your decision making.

Recognize Your Emotions

Do you feel your patience evaporate when someone schedules yet another meeting at 4:30 p.m.? Or maybe your stress spikes when you’re asked to present in front of leadership. These reactions are normal, but not recognizing them means you’ll likely let them dictate your behavior over and over again. Try keeping an emotion log for a week. After intense reactions, jot down what you felt, what triggered it, and how you responded. Your goal is data capture. At this point, you aren’t trying to change anything. You’re seeking clarity.

Listen to Your Body

Your body often signals your emotions before your mind processes them. For example, clenched fists may signal frustration, or a tight feeling in your chest can indicate anxiety. When your heart races during a tense one-on-one with your manager, this is a physical cue. Remind yourself to pause, breathe, and do not respond impulsively. If your shoulders tense every time a particular coworker emails you, then take a moment to analyze why. Are you anticipating conflict? Understanding this pattern can help you approach your reply calmly.

Understand Your Triggers

How do you feel when your coworker interrupts you during brainstorming sessions? What about when a teammate takes credit for your work during a presentation? Does your head hurt when your manager abruptly shifts deadlines or priorities without explanation? Does receiving vague feedback on a high-stakes project haunt you for days? If you recognize the patterns in your behavior, then you can prevent your frustration from making bad decisions for you during critical interactions. Knowing your triggers lets you plan responses instead of reactions.

Get Perspective

Feedback from colleagues can uncover blind spots. You expect to get feedback from your manager, but you probably won’t get it from your teammates unless you ask. For example, if your tech lead thinks you seem dismissive when you disagree with them, that is something you want to know. You need to become aware of how your unintentional reactions affect those around you. Once you are, you can adjust your tone and body language during your conversations. If you don’t have a work bestie you trust to tell you the truth, you can use personality assessments like StrengthsFinder or Enneagram to discover your natural tendencies.

Reflect on Your Reactions

Look back at that emotion log you kept for a week. The data you collected states what you felt, the trigger, and how you responded. Now, ask yourself why you responded that way in those situations. For example, if you felt anxiety during a meeting, the trigger was a shortened deadline, and your response was raising your voice, ask yourself: “Why did I respond that way?” Maybe the answer is tight deadlines bring out your impatience. Since tight deadlines are going to keep happening, think about how you can handle similar situations more constructively. Over time identifying your patterns will not only help you identify similar emotions in real time, but also help you control them. Keep your emotion log this week and next week we’ll talk about some constructive ways to regulate them.

What emotion do you feel most while at work? Please share in the comments.