Last week during a local weather forecast, a meteorologist described the stationary front hanging over us. She explained there were two air masses competing for dominance and until one got strong enough to replace the other, it would continue to rain. Doesn’t this sound like some of our work relationships?!
Two Masses Competing for Dominance
The word seems to imply an attempt to isolate ourselves, but boundaries are guidelines we communicate so others know how to treat us. We’re stating the behaviors we’ll tolerate and those we won’t. We’re setting expectations for the team. If we have well defined boundaries, it takes assuming out. “No” is a powerful word, and we need to get comfortable using it. We want to get along with our coworkers. We don’t want to seem rude, ill-mannered, or not a team player; but anyone with the attitude, “It never hurts to ask,” has been told no before. People are going to think what they want about us (positive or negative) no matter what we do, so let’s say no to things that make us exhausted, disturbed, or resentful.
Both Equally Strong
We can’t make anyone respect our boundaries. All we can control is how we respond when they’re crossed. When we’re pushed to defend our boundaries, it’s an opportunity to articulate why they exist. Some boundaries are negotiable and being questioned about them helps us refine them. For example, Coworker: “Why didn’t you reply to the email I sent you yesterday?” Me: “Because I stop checking email at 7:00PM.” This encounter reminded me our boss sends emails at all hours. So I refined my boundary by setting up a rule in Outlook. When our boss emails me, Outlook sends me a text. A long justification of our boundaries isn’t necessary nor is it anyone’s business. If we offer too much explanation, we invite the encroacher to move it. Remember, turnabout is fair play. We should be mindful of our coworkers’ boundaries. How can we tell when we’ve crossed one if they won’t point it out? There may be visual social clues: heavy sighing, arm crossing, eyebrow raising. When I suspect I’ve crossed a boundary, I ask. “Do I sense a boundary? Oops, the line’s behind me. I crossed it again.”
Everyone Gets Rained On
We can’t afford to feel guilty about how our reasonable boundaries affect the peace of our team. Modeling calm, matter-of-fact boundary defense may be the best thing we can do for our team. When we hold a boundary, let’s observe our coworkers’ reactions. Are they inspired? Relieved? Annoyed? Scared? Their responses give us a major clue about the health of our teams’ communication. Do we need a culture shift? Is it time for one member to transfer to a different team? Let’s strive to foster an environment where coworkers feel safe to disagree and debate, but non-stop criticism doesn’t promote problem solving. Leaving the team or asking someone to leave is not a pleasant choice, but it’s important to remember the choice exists. We aren’t powerless.
What are some work boundaries you’ve had to defend? Please share them in the comments section.