Have you ever been gaslighted at work? The term, taken from the title of a 1938 play, refers to the process of someone slowly driving someone else crazy through psychological manipulation. It’s a specific pattern of emotional abuse and is considered workplace harassment. When it’s done by your manager, it’s very similar to Corporate Stockholm Syndrome. Since the manipulation is customized to the target, there’s no one-size-fits-all description, but here’s what gaslighting could look like coming from a coworker.
Behavior:
- They consistently manipulate your perception of reality and refuse to talk about it (e.g., “I didn’t touch you inappropriately. I don’t have to listen to this.”).
- They break the rules and claim you’re the one who broke them (e.g., you catch them lying and they blame you for forcing them to lie).
- They withhold information you need (e.g., “The client meeting is today. Did you forget again?”).
- They are ambitious, smart, critical, and have low self-esteem.
- They can’t handle negative feedback, jockey for leadership positions on the team, and sabotage your work (e.g., change deadlines after you start working on the project).
- They make passive aggressive comments that come off as funny.
- They are charming and have great people skills.
- They are office gossips; getting others to engage so they have more dirt on more coworkers.
- They take credit for your ideas and when you call them on it, they say they had to tweak your idea to make it work, so it was no longer yours.
Why it happens:
- They see you as competition. To get ahead, they gaslight you to make you look incompetent to management or to get you fired.
- They want you to behave the way they choose while avoiding responsibility for their manipulation.
- Controlling you makes them feel powerful.
Signs:
By its very nature (done slowly and sneakily), it can be hard to identify.
- They make you doubt your skills, intelligence, and/or your sense of reality.
- They give you backhanded compliments (e.g., “Great job on the presentation. I thought for sure you’d choke.”).
- If you feel paranoid all the time (not just at work), confused (second-guessing your memory), too sensitive, overreactive, guilty, and/or depressed, you may be a victim of gaslighting.
What you should do:
- Document everything; seeing the abuse in words helps you decide if gaslighting is actually happening (i.e., you are not imagining it) and it gives you proof to take to HR if you choose to.
- Keep gaslighting emails they sent you in a folder under your inbox and forward them to your private email account, so you have a backup. If your company has access to your work email, just keep the evidence in your private email account.
- Write down descriptions of inappropriate interactions as soon as they happen before you forget what was said, done, and where it happened. Email these documents to both your work and private accounts so they will be time and date stamped.
- Ask your coworkers if it’s happening to them too. If so, ask them to document their interactions also. HR is more likely to believe you if you can prove the gaslighter is treating coworkers the same way they’re treating you.
- When meeting with the gaslighter, have at least one other person in the meeting to verify what was said.
- Call the gaslighter out on their behavior and words. Know your worth and expertise and hold your boundaries.
- Remind yourself that you are smart and capable.
Please share your experience of being gaslighted in the comments section below.