Back in March, we discussed financial fidelity. In the section on transparency, I alluded to the fact that hiding money from our spouses is cheating, but that was a whole ‘nuther post. Well, here it is.
As of January 2020, 44% of Americans with joint finances, cheated on our spouses with money. Anything hidden is considered cheating. For example: secret bank accounts (savings or checking), secret lottery winnings, secret debt (credit cards, loans), lost our job but acting like we didn’t, or spending money on an expensive item without discussion, can all be considered breaches of faith. Here are some behavioral tells to watch for: our spouse insists on paying all the bills, won’t divulge account logins, refuses to discuss money, or argues about spending large sums.
Why the deception?
- Control: revenge spending
- Guilt: knowing the spending was irresponsible
- Fear: afraid of spouse’s reaction if discovered
- Conflict Avoidance: we want something our spouse will object to
What’s the harm?
Lying about finances causes arguments, distrust, and can end the relationship. If we lie about money, what else will we lie about? Hiding money only delays the inevitable conversation about motive. If concealing debt is the issue, it could affect both spouses’s employment. Hiring managers check credit scores as part of the interview process. We shouldn’t have to tell each other every time we buy a venti at Starbucks, but we can’t run up $50K in credit card bills and keep it a secret. That will undermine the whole relationship. Some states’ laws make our finances our spouses’ finances. If the relationship ends and one spouse is in debt, both live with the responsibility until the debts are paid.
How do we fix it?
If we are the cheated, put aside judgement, and ask about the feelings that led to the deceit. Financial infidelity is a symptom. The real problem in the relationship needs acknowledgement. If we are the cheater, be honest, apologize, and stop keeping secrets. To begin, we can talk about tolerance. Can we spend $500 without asking? Can we divert $100 a week from our joint checking account to a private savings account? Our partner needs to know our motivation for having a separate account. Do we want to save up so we can spend money however we want without asking, or are we secretly saving up for a divorce? (In some states it’s illegal to hide money during a divorce, btw.) We don’t have to give our spouses access to this account, but they should know how much is in it because it’s a factor in our financial decision making. Define long term savings goals together like the children’s education, a new car, or retirement, and both commit to working toward them. When we want something that will impact those goals, it’s time for another discussion. We should revisit savings goals once a year. Maybe during tax season since it’s a logical time to talk about finances. When we get into this habit, as the years pass, it gets easier to talk to our spouses about money.
Money is a major stressor in a relationship and talking about it can quickly turn into arguing about it which makes you avoid talking about it. But keeping secrets is usually a waste of your T.E.A.M. If we don’t talk to our partners about money, we’ll never figure out how to work together to manage and maximize it.
How do you broach the subject of money in your relationship? Please share in the comments section.