Before we marry we discuss money: Am I a saver? Are you a spender? How much income do we need to live comfortably? But after a year or so, we conveniently forget these well intended discussions because life happens. We discussed what we’d do in a perfect world, but we live in an imperfect one. We can’t predict the future and we change our minds. Since opposites attract, it’s much more likely we have very different attitudes toward money; mostly thanks to the way we were raised and how our parents managed it. We can’t agree to terms at the beginning of the marriage and not ever talk about money again. Finances are a recurring conversation.
Listen
We need to set a limit we both consider large and not spend over that amount without discussing it with our spouses. When our partner comes to us wanting to make an expensive purchase, we shouldn’t immediately say no. We should listen to why they want to buy. It’s rarely about the purchase. It’s about how the purchase will make them feel.
Boundaries
Pinching pennies too hard is as harmful to our relationships as spending too much on luxury items. Whether it’s: living debt free, having an emergency fund, tuition saved, and building retirement funds, or two vacations per year, luxury car, designer clothes, eating out every week, and monthly concert tickets; compromise is key. You want a Jaguar, but a Honda will get you to work. He wants a $2000 emergency fund, but $1000 will suffice. It helps to quantify both spending and saving. No one wants to feel deprived.
Transparency
Speaking of not feeling deprived, we need to agree to set aside a bit of disposable income we’re free to spend on ourselves without obtaining permission from our mates. These are not secret accounts. We should not hide what we do with money. It’s lying and will cause us to break our spouse’s trust. It’s cheating, much like being sexually unfaithful is cheating, and is easily revealed. Our transactions are all tracked and available online (but that’s a whole ‘nuther post). Each partner should keep an eye on the joint finances. If we have separate accounts, we should make information on those accounts available to our spouses (e.g. ask if they want to see the monthly statement; not necessarily give them access to the funds).
The whole two-becoming-one thing is a push and pull of give and take to make a whole new third identity out of two people. Sometimes we want to do what we want to do and we don’t want our spouse to have a vote in the decision. But since the traditional wedding vows say, “for richer or for poorer,” when our behavior impacts that status, we have to inform our mate. It’s no longer a matter of money, it’s a matter of trust.
How do you and your spouse compromise on money decisions? Please share in the comments section.