Warning: Heavier subject matter than usual.
Phrases my friends have heard men say out loud in their offices in 2018: “Jim doesn’t realize he’s talking to a woman.” “She’s in charge (insert eye roll here).” “Joe doesn’t know how to talk to women.” “Give it to the office girl.” (Side note, the office girl is over 50 years old and is the speaker’s supervisor.) Do they not hear themselves? Do they not get it? Do they not care?
Most men would tell you they are not sexist because they sincerely believe they aren’t. Here’s an interesting (and scary) article about unconscious sexism: https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2016/12/14/no-man-is-above-unconscious-gender-bias-in-the-workplace-its-unconscious/#2dc4e1d612b4. Take the last United States’ Presidential campaign for example. During a stop in Virginia in February 2016, The governor of my state, John Kaisch, said, “And how did I get elected? Nobody was, I didn’t have anybody for me. We just got an army of people who, um, and many women, who left their kitchens to go out and go door-to-door and to put yard signs up for me,” (http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/22/politics/john-kasich-women-kitchen/). When female voters protested the women-leaving-their-kitchens comment, he said he intended no offense, if you listened to his whole speech you’d understand the context, and “Everybody’s just got to relax.” While we’re on the topic of sexist comments by men in government, let me just state the obvious and get it out of the way: President Trump. Enough said. I’m pulling a Mick Jagger. “If you start me up I’ll never stop.”
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I’ve just got to relax. If a female gets offended by a sexist comment made by a male coworker, we are told it’s because we aren’t chill, we didn’t understand what he meant, or we have no sense of humor. Getting offended and pointing it out eventually renders anything we say ineffective. In nearly every job I’ve held so far, I’ve had to decide how much standing up for my gender will cost me. My most extreme example: One of my supervisors used me as a scapegoat to chronically spend over budget, took my ideas for his own, then nicknamed me Pandora for asking too many questions. It’s difficult to just relax when the industry’s general consensus is a woman’s career is not as important as a man’s career.
My biggest angst is how to prepare our daughter for this reality. When she was born 21 years ago, I really hoped by now sexism would no longer be an issue. But just in case, I intentionally pushed to name her Casey, or another gender ambiguous name, so that when hiring managers saw her resume they could not possibly know what gender she is before they saw her. That coupled with the fact her resume lists her position on her university’s power lifting team REALLY confuses hiring managers. One came to the lobby to bring her back for an interview, looked right at her, then asked his administrative assistant if Casey Humphreys had shown up yet. Casey said, “That’s me.” After looking over her resume, he expected to find a muscular young man sitting in his lobby, not a petite young woman.
I usually have some encouragement for you at this point in the post, but this week, all I have are questions. Little questions like: When do you speak up? When do you shut up? Is there any point in saying you’re offended? Is any change going to take place if you do? Should you keep hitting your head against this wall? Then there are the huge questions: What are your coping strategies? Has speaking up kept you from advancement? What do you tell your daughters?
Please tell me your stories here: